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         "[Net users] attend church more, join voluntary
         organisations more, are more likely to have friends they can
         rely on in times of troubles, read more books, and are not
         less trusting of other people."
 http://news.ft.com/ft/gx.cgi/ftc?pagename=View&c=Article&cid=FT3U04GAEUC
            ... we've also learnt to lie on registration forms better


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                   two true

         So what, exactly, went on with the latest "biggest ever"
         kiddy porn crackdown? Most of the media tut-tutted about the
         10,000 "IPs" who downloaded porn, the cleverness of the
         National Crime Squad at detecting them, and the tragedy that
         only 129 of them were traced. And thank God, of course, for
         public-spirited Demon who agreed to let the police "image"
         its news server, and handed over the IP addresses of
         everyone accessing over 1500 newsgroups. Well, except that
         Demon now deny this ever occurred, understandable given that
         it'd be illegal under the DPA, and say that the police only
         had the same access as anyone else to USENET postings, and
         thus could only trace posters not readers. Normally we'd put
         this down to woeful tech reporting: in this case though,
         journalists were exercising the *other* skill they have -
         copying press releases verbatim. The National Crime Squad
         and its reps actively boasted that servers were imaged, and
         the source of that "10,000 reader's IPs" statistic is from
         the official statement on the matter. So what happened? Why
         did the NCS - including, at some points, the Det. Super. in
         charge of the investigation, insist on a story that Demon
         now deny? Ignorance of their own methods? A misguided
         attempt by Thus and NCS pointy-hairs to create a
         high-publicity paedophile investigative coup, when all that
         went on was a smart copper doing what anyone with a Demon
         account and a Perl script could pull off in a week? Or did
         Demon really pass on mass subscriber information to the NCS,
         assuming at the time that the NCS wouldn't be so dumb as to
         blab about how Thus'd happily hand over their subscribers'
         mass traffic data? Guess we'll never know. Unless, of
         course, you're a Demon subscriber and want to put in a
         complaint to the Information Commissioner to find out what
         *really* went on. Hint, hint.
http://www.nationalcrimesquad.police.uk/Hot_off_the_press/2001/November/122.html
     - we know computers! we know NNTP! we know - facial recognition?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4309815,00.html
                                                - only 129 traceable?
         http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1680000/1680762.stm
           - ah those bona fide, credit-card demanding newsgroups ...
         http://globalarchive.ft.com/globalarchive/article.html?id=011129000794
- while Demon apparently charges Mickey Mouse's credit card for a tenner a month

         Mr Gates is due in the UK this week, patting Blair's head,
         helping him find that Start button again, and charitably
         offering a few hits of the XP subscription-only crack-pipe.
         God help Bill, though, if gets collared by other more techy
         European politicians. Windows XP just trashed the hard drive
         of FRANCESCO COSSIGA, the 73-year ex-Presidente of Italy -
         and he's out for vendetta. As semi-retired politicians who
         do their own OS installs go, Cossiga is a tech support case
         from hell: professor of Law, ex-investigating magistrate,
         and since quitting the Presidency, a man with plenty of time
         and who no longer gives a shit. This is a man who idly
         tarried over details of St Thomas More's wishful dreams of a
         menage a trois - at a Vatican press conference. He says
         he's itching to take Microsoft to court. "In the tribunal,
         we will be able to enjoy ourselves. I'm almost hoping they
         won't be able to fix it!", he cackles. Worst of all for
         anyone hoping for a quick fight: he's a radio ham. Capos
         with callsigns: bad combination.
         http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,73304,tk,dn112701X,00.asp
                                                    - IANAXPOI, but..
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/30/presidente.html
             - translation of I0FCG's rant courtesy bellissima Louise
         http://www.pir.org/main2/Francesco_Cossiga.html
                       - you see how it all fits together now? (java)


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         world's first "behind the scenes" content management docusoap:
         http://www.yougov.com/news.jsp?news.id=10004523 ... Tony Blair
         *is* BIG BROTHER: http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/30/dohbigb.png
         ... new BBC news breakaway art movement - "you'll go blind!":
http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/talking_point/newsid_1684000/1684474.stm
         ... most sociable and successful net users the BBC could find:
         http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1674000/1674802.stm
         ENCOM bankruptcy due to attack by SLIMER from "Ghostbusters":
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_1684000/1684503.stm
         ... "Crisp, clear signals" illustrated by tube of PRINGLES:
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/wales/newsid_1669000/1669226.stm
         ... AOL shows " Power Of Digital Imaging" - with broken jpgs:
        http://webmaster.info.aol.com/index.cfm?article=500000000000036
        http://webmaster.info.aol.com/index.cfm?article=500000000000041
         ... humble holding page, "which will not ever be seen by the
         outside world" at last gets its big moment in the limelight:
         http://harkinstheatres.moviefone.com/ ... "YOU ARE NOT ALONE"
         whisper the scary shifting voices at http://www.sanonymous.org/
         ... self-subverting TITLE tags - the "Dictionary of English
         Useage": http://www.lineone.net/dictionaryof/englishusage/ vs
         "Welcome To Russell Martin Language [Proofreading] Serrvices":
         http://www.russell-martin.com/english/homeENG2.htm ...
         GAMESPOT trip to Guilford hazy on definition of "villages with
         cathedrals": http://gamespot.com/gamespot/features/pc/btg_bw/
         ... http://www.audiogalaxy.com/list/index.php?&styleID=195
         lists BRYAN ADAMS as "Adult alternative", no doubt because
         he's from the *other* North American country...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Hoping to emulate just some of the toe-curling embarrassment
         of that Buffy episode where they stumble across Giles singing
         in a bar, NTK's set of "Acoustic Cover Versions of Synth Pop
         Classics" has now joined the lineup at CHRISTMAS DORKBOT
         LONDON (from 7pm, Wed 2001-12-05, The Boxing Club/ Limehouse
         Town Hall, London E14, free). But we won't be on till later
         (around 9?) as we've also agreed to speak at IS SPIN DYING? IS
         THE INTERNET TO BLAME?, a "round table hosted by Voxpolitics
         and the Social Market Foundation" (from 6pm, Wed 2001-12-05,
         Warwick Room, The Social Market Foundation, Westminster,
         London). We'll be violently disagreeing with the motion that
         "Networked politics means people are getting smarter, more
         organised, more likely to kick something" and, by doing so,
         inadvertently helping them to prove their point.
         http://www.voxpolitics.com/news/voxpub/story274.shtml
                      - the most up-to-date event listing on the site
         http://music.columbia.edu/cmc/dorkbot/dorkbotlondon/
           - "we said Spinal Tap *above* Kim Hawtin from Consume.net"
         http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/talks.html
                    - and it's science vs the supernatural on Tuesday

         But before that, over the weekend, the usual saddoes will be
         dressing up in ridiculous costumes to engage in a bit of
         "fantasy role-playing" to enliven their otherwise pointless,
         friendless lives. But that's enough about this year's EROTICA
         2001 exhibition (from today, London Olympia, around UKP17) -
         it's that time of year once again for some healthy tabletop
         action over at DRAGONMEET 2001 (from 10am, Sat 2001-12-01,
         UKP6, Kensington Town Hall, London - former location of World
         Of Amiga '99). Among the treats promised by organiser James
         Wallis are: Guest of honour John "Dork Tower" Kovalic (again),
         auctioning the only set of Pokethulhu miniatures in the
         country. The first UK sighting of the games biz's longest-
         running piece of vapourware, the "Realms of Sorcery" hardback,
         first described as "coming soon" in November 1986. Twice the
         number of traders as last year. And a bar. And hot food. And
         "complaining about the lack of clerics in the D&D movie until
         we're pasty in the face". That's *pastier*, surely...
         http://www.dragonmeet.com/
                       - "please ignore the animated gifs", he pleads
         http://www.erotica-uk.com/
                                   - mmm, frames within frames. Sexy!


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         We have been requested from several quarters to refrain from
         the default "ooh look at its tiny wee footprint" reviews of
         the famed GALEON 1.0 browser, on the basis that given that
         it needs X, all the gnomelibs *and* a Mozilla installation,
         it's not that bloody tiny. Certainly not, we'll agree,
         compared to uIP, Adam Dunkel's TCP/IP stack that fits under
         4KB, and runs on everything from a 6502 to an 8051 - or x86
         if you want to be boring about it. Yes, yes, yes, they have
         a Web server running off a Commodore 64. More originally,
         someone's ported it (and the attached Webserver app) to the
         H8S/2148 processor, which some may recognise as the
         microcontroller found in snazzier notebook keyboards. Now
         that's an app the FBI would pay good money for.
         http://dunkels.com/adam/uip/
                            - giving ideas to virus writers since 1997
         http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=2000/now0714.txt&l=130#l
                                            - anyway, we saw it first


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         "Naughty Children To Be Registered As Potential Criminals":
http://news.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2001/11/25/ncrime25.xml
         - information to be pooled with Interpol, FBI, Santa... show
         that you care - Gifts For Laid-Off AMAZON.COM Employees:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/2I7M6F36X8S10/
         ... http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_454843.html
         vs http://www.williamshatner.com/ ... http://www.ratemypoo.com
         vs http://www.idiotica.co.uk/guide/dogshit.htm ... naked JAVA
         volleyball: http://tartarus.uwa.edu.au/%7Ewedgey/slime1/ ...
         "A town full of variety and charm, spirit and art [...] ZAGREB
         will surprise you with its hidden attractions and very high
         standard and very low prices of dental treatments", invitates:
         http://www.globtour.hr/hr/invitate/zg.htm#dental ... this
         week's redirectable URL: http://www.buffyweb.com/ ... "Though
         [...] their lifelines seem somewhat similar at first glance,
         there are even more things completely different about them" -
         who else could it be but MARK TWAIN and ROBERT A HEINLEIN?:
         http://www.heliweb.de/herbsev/twhn.htm ... who is the SHORTEST
         LINK: http://shorterlink.com/ vs http://makeashorterlink/ ?
         ... they look like Lego, but they're more likely Kubrick MGS2
         minifigs: http://www.coremagazine.com/news/5308.php3 ...
         perfect for any owner of 20 decapitated ACTION MAN torsos:
      http://www.mcphee.com/cgi-bin/mcphee/affiliate?id=NOV201&sku=M5757
         ... it's just a shame they don't do TV ads for the "HOOAH!"
         bar: http://www.sbccom.army.mil/products/food/perc.htm ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
           the less rude www.tvgohome.com, featuring TV GO HOME (TM)

         TV>> a double bill of nun fun, with the simmering eroticism of
         Powell and Pressburger's BLACK NARCISSUS (1.55pm, Sat, BBC2)
         erupting into a "terrifying world of demonic possession" in
         MONDO MACABRO: ALUCARDA (3.15am, Sat, C4)... I LOVE MONTY
         PYTHON (from 9.15pm, Sat, BBC2) features erratic Lego
         adaptation MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (10.25pm, Sat)
       http://www.lego.com/studios/screening/movie.asp?title=montypython
         and, somewhat tangentially, overrated production-design-fest
         BRAZIL (11.50pm, Sat, BBC2)... while "Silent Hill 2" sponsors
         C5's FRIGHT NIGHT (from 9.05pm, Sat, C5), including the first
         six episodes of heavy-handedly surreal soap-opera spoof TWIN
         PEAKS (12midnight, Sat, C5)... C5 proudly showcases the first
         two movies in the FX: MURDER BY ILLUSION saga on consecutive
         nights (9pm, Mon & Tue, C5) - mildly more entertaining than
         Tony Scott's ponderously Tarantino-dialogue-heavy TRUE ROMANCE
         (10pm, Mon, C4)... Queen Amidala work-experience assassin
         classic LEON (10pm, Sun, C4) receives its annual airing on C4
         ... that *is* Amy Allen from the A-Team in John Candy spoof
         Western WAGONS EAST! (11.05pm, Tue, BBC1) - last shown Nov
         2000 on C4... and Charlie Brooker's videogame-reviewing roots
         shine through in incrementally upsetting website-adaptation
         format parody TV GO HOME (11.10pm, Tue; 11.30pm, Thu, E4)...
         of course antidepressants have negative side-effects, argues
         three-part pharmo-drama SWALLOW (9pm, Wed, C4), though dishing
         them out to patients who are suicidal in the first place tends
         to confuse the figures... given her "Eastenders" character's
         reputation, and the "remarkable skills" alluded to by the
         Radio Times, there's no telling how far things will go when
         TAMZIN OUTHWAITE GOES WILD WITH DOLPHINS (9pm, Thu, BBC1)...
         and COMEDY LAB (11.35pm, Thu, C4) at last shows the "Knife and
         Wife" animated pilot which http://www.bubblegun.com/ has been
         documenting in excruciating detail for the last two years...

         FILM>> it's a good week for fans of idiot odysseys which
         feature SNL's Will Ferrell, as Ben Stiller teams with his wife
         (Christine "Marcia Brady" Taylor) and his dad in his best film
         since "Reality Bites" - the magnificently retarded male model
         send-up ZOOLANDER (http://www.capalert.com/ : bitter rejection
         of a father by a son; picture of homosexual orgy; suggestive
         title of model agency; I wonder if there is any connection
         between the poisonous traits of the Mugatu character and the
         Mugatu creatures on Star Trek's "The Apple"?)... Will Ferrell
         reprises a similar role - but chasing Shannon Elizabeth, Ali
         Larter and Eliza Dushku - when Kevin Smith resurrects all his
         old jokes and characters in the forgivably ramshackle JAY AND
         SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (http://www.cndb.com/ : You see [Jason
         Mewes'] butt early in the film... big deal. It's really best
         to enjoy this movie for the hilarious film it is. Unless you
         have a huge crush on Jay, in which case more power to you)...
         otherwise there's Natasha "Species" Henstridge, Ice "NWA"
         Cube, Pam "Jackie Brown" Grier, Clea "The Faculty" DuVall and
         Joanna "Blade Runner" Cassidy - together at last! - in John
         Carpenter's frankly bizarre made-for-TV-style B-movie GHOSTS
         OF MARS (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ghostsofmars.htm :
         insane desperation - multiple; drug induced hallucination -
         repeatedly; wearing faces ripped off of others as masks) -
         "Goths Of Mars", more like... for your arthouse crowd, Todd
         "Happiness" Solondz enlists the diverse skills of Belle And
         Sebastian and Selma "Legally Blonde" Blair in two-in-one
         creativity-examining indie comedy STORYTELLING (imdb: college
         / high-school / sex) - probably more laughs than Barry
         Levinson's laboured feelgood heist romance BANDITS (imdb:
         bank-robbery / bored-housewife / car-accident / chase /
         disguise / flashback-sequence / fugitive / hypochondriac /
         journalism / love-triangle / media-manipulation / prison-
         escape / reward / shootout / special-effects / stuntman)...

         BONERS: CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, AND "INCORRECTLY REGARDED
         AS GOOFS">> RICHARD STALLMAN paused from counting his winnings
         just long enough to tell us that the Takeda Award money, split
         between three recipients, comes to $830,000 in total, not the
         "100 million yen ($830,000) each" we (and MIT) reported last
         week. He remained uncharacteristically silent, however, on the
         matter of the "fsck /gnu/linux" t-shirt [also last week]
         which, under the circumstances, we're tempted to take as some
         sort of blessing... on the same story, "Is that journalism?",
         asked original gadfly DAVE WINER, though presumably he'll be
         happier now we've effectively slashed Stallman's windfall by
         two-thirds... and "Hey dudes, I don't hate UNIX. I don't like
         it, but I don't hate it", asserted THE INQUIRER's Andrew
         Thomas [NTK 2001-10-26; 2001-11-23], before going for the
         killer punchline: "Now, Linux - that I hate"... thanks to
         everyone - OLLY BETTS being the first - who tried pointing NTK
         2001-11-02's "Where Would Jesus Surf?" filter *at itself*:
         http://www.wwjs.net/search/safe.cgi?url=http://www.wwjs.net ,
         often finding "1 instances" of inappropriate language and
         concluding "The Safe Connect filter has determined this site
         to be of HIGH RISK! We recommend you hit your browser's back
         button and choose another link"... HUGH PYLE found himself in
         the unusual position of defending that 404-fixing BT banner ad
         http://ad.uk.doubleclick.net/viewad/628472/1-bt_opendown5.gif
         noting that "OpenWorld-hosted websites don't 404, they just
         redirect": http://www.btinternet.com/~no.user/nothing.here ...
         and GARETH OWEN punctured our "I'd like to report a power out-"
         gag: http://www.fpl.com/report/contents/power_outage.shtml
         [NTK 2001-10-19], by prophesying "far off days when small
         'laptop' computers will be powered only by batteries. Well, a
         man can dream"... yes, ANDY BRICE, we almost certainly did
         mean "dispersion" rather than "diffraction" in our critique of
         the http://www.paintthemoon.org/ project [NTK 2001-10-26] -
         still didn't work though, did it?... BARRY DE LA ROSA
         advocated the "beta of ICEOWS, the next generation version of
         ARJFolder" [NTK 2001-11-09], recommending its "whole bunch
         more formats (including Colin McRae 2!)" and "full folder
         extraction as well". "But it's still French", he concedes...
         and, finally, JOE WHITELEY, seemingly unaware of the net's
         time-honoured "slash" tradition, felt we could be entrusted
         with the red-hot info that "There's an online community thing
         dedicated to writing new chapters for, say, Buffy, or Xena, in
         which they have sex". But "Buffy isn't the most popular", Joe
         confides - that honour goes to "Sabrina the Teenage Witch".
         "One of those things, I guess", he shrugs. "Maybe the stories
         feature the two aunts as well, that'd give it an edge"...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
             "funny, like dotCOMagain, but doesn't explain things"
                 http://www.gorjuss.com/archives/00000033.html

                                 NEED TO KNOW
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