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        "During the unprecedented economic boom of the 1990's, rapid-
         growth entrepreneurial companies such as Cisco Systems, 
         Amazon.com and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts fueled the nation's 
         economy..."
                          - The NATIONAL COMMISSION ON ENTREPRENEURSHIP
                           ( http://www.ncoe.org/pressroom/032301.html )
              ...and who could have predicted that the "Golden Age" of 
                                       doughnuts would be over so soon?

         
                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                half-price PS2s

         After getting yet another breathless 2001-04-01 e-mail 
         informing us that Fucked Company had been hacked by ideaLab, 
         and seeing it was from the founder of Skeptic magazine, no 
         less - we finally conceded that these ONLINE APRIL FOOLS were 
         getting out of hand. None more at risk, though, than those who 
         would toy with the CURSE OF DEBIAN for their jollies. The 
         unfortunately afflicted volunteer group (whose last release 
         commemorated departed developer, Joel 'Espy' Klecker) was 
         shocked to hear from DEBIAN PLANET that their leader BEN 
         COLLINS had died on Sunday - just days after his election. 
         Closer examination of the post (apparently, Ben died of 
         "massive internal inconsistencies" following an OpenLDAP core 
         dump) raised some suspicions. But perhaps the prank would have 
         turned out funnier if Deb maintainers weren't still recovering 
         from the sad - and all too real - passing away of two more key 
         developers, Chris Rutter and Fabrizio Polacco. Well, as one is 
         supposed to say on these occasions, they'd have seen the funny 
         side.
         http://lists.debian.org/debian-devel-announce-0104/msg00001.html
                                     - it's live free *or* die", dammit
         http://lists.debian.org/debian-project-0104/msg00000.html
   - the biggest problem is that Debian-Policy mandates a straight face
         http://lists.debian.org/debian-policy-0104/msg00001.html
                                                     - on all occasions

         Don't think of this as a Watchdog-style assault on a business 
         who's had some teething problems, think of it as a resounding 
         "well done" to a UK company boldly pushing back those e-
         commerce boundaries. Surely among the cheapest Playstation 2s 
         sold in the UK have come from THESLAMMER.COM, who've run 
         various offers selling the UKP300-retail console for UKP150. 
         Despite reassurances such as their Gameplay-style colour 
         scheme and Sony-esque claims that "they make the money back on 
         the games", said offers have prompted widespread newsgroup 
         speculation over the precise nature of the company's business 
         plan - speculation fuelled by customers who've had problems 
         getting hold of either their consoles or indeed anyone who can 
         tell them when they might arrive. Then again, if you were 
         (theoretically) losing between UKP70 and UKP150 on every sale, 
         would *you* want to be spending even more money on fripperies 
         like customer support?
         http://groups.google.com/groups?q=theslammer&seld=913778575&ic=1
                                  - "LOADS of people have got the PS2s"
         http://www.theslammer.com/planetarion/
        - "You would have knowen [their] reputatin when you ordered it"

         Here's our standard position on intellectual property: it's 
         not that we're against it per se (and you can quote us on 
         that, for 150UKP residuals, limited first-use rights in 
         Regions 1 and 2 only), but if you're hanging around in a 
         universe where copying is essentially a zero cost, high-
         benefit activity, the only way to deter infringment is to 
         slowly increase the punishment until possession of a CD burner 
         is a hangable offence. Well, they're not quite there yet, but 
         it's nice to see Andrew Miller MP getting the hang of it. 
         Andrew's currently proposing a Bill which would increase the 
         criminal penalty of copyright infringement from three years to 
         ten. No explanation as to why he thinks this is a good idea, 
         but Mr Miller is renowned for being the MP who believed 
         "people who oppose the [RIP] Bill are playing right into the 
         hands of some of the most evil criminals on this planet". One 
         to watch at the next election. 
         http://194.128.65.4/pa/cm200001/cmbills/020/en/01020x--.htm
        - and he visited Silicon Valley? Who'd he meet up with? Unisys?
   http://politics.guardian.co.uk/person/parliament/0,9307,-3631,00.html 
 - Y2K funding? Speed cameras good for human rights? Did we invent him?

         
                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         YAHOO NEWS files Barrymore pool death under 'Sport/Swimming': 
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/06/dohbarry.gif ... JEDI CENSUS 
         email arrives from New Zealand, claims census due "August 
         7th", when actually it's April in the UK... still waiting for 
         punchline to NEGROPONTE's "real-time browser updates" April 
         Fool: http://news.cnet.com/news/0-1005-200-5405498.html ... 
         where a customer is more than just a number - you're also a: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/06/dohhertz.gif ... MTV prank 
       http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010405/re/media_mtv_dc_1.html
         imitates http://www.zeppotron.com/unnovations/shit_tv.html ... 
         "Market Analysis Experts" DATAMONITOR *still* "completing an 
         audit to establish its state of readiness for year 2000": 
         http://www.datamonitor.com/aboutdm/abouty2k.asp ... "not a 
         secure site" confesses http://www.charleshyde.co.uk/no.htm ... 
         ISS crew already having Mir-style problems with WINDOWS NT: 
       http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp1/exp1shepmarfeb.html
         ... even more unwittingly disturbing EBAY auction than usual: 
       http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=575069540


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Normally minimalist techno-artists MUTE MAGAZINE seem to be 
         celebrating their upcoming live event (or maybe contributor 
         Hari Kunzru's big book advance) by actually putting some 
         content on their website - so you can go there for further 
         explanation of what they mean by THOSE MARVELLOUS MEN AND 
         THEIR MACHINATION MACHINES: AN AFTERNOON OF READINGS AND 
         DISUCSSION ON THE APPLICATIONS OF SYSTEMS AND SYSTEM THEORY TO 
         LITERATURE (from 2.30pm, Sun 2001-04-08, Tate Modern, London, 
         UKP6). Speakers include "psion of literary psychedelia" JEFF 
         NOON (do they mean "scion"?), ROBERT COOVER (no idea) plus the 
         Berlin Linux User Group's FLORIAN CRAMER, and the whole thing 
         is hosted by former Kunzru protege and NTK music columnist 
         (gone bad) JIM FLINT, who provided those enthralling accounts 
         of cellular reproduction in his 1998 debut novel "Habitus".
         http://www.metamute.com/events/
                - "Systems Theory"? Negative feedback, hysteresis, etc?
         http://www.cybersalon.org/flyers/music.html
             - didn't understand this one at all, but liked the picture


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         So, we were hanging out with Bill Gates on Tuesday, and he 
         turns to us (and the other 3000 CHI2001 attendees at the 
         keynote) and says "We're pleased that 802.11b has become the 
         standard in wireless networks". Wooh, we think, mentally 
         noting to step over the corpse of Bluetooth as we leave, so 
         there's evil in 802.11 after all. Well, maybe the true 
         wickedness is that all those crazy community-owned, peer to 
         peer, dynamically routed, ad-hoc, IPv6-tastic roaming urban 
         network dreams that so filled the early 802.11 mailing lists 
         are grinding down into more realistic (but duller) plans for 
         centrally-maintained Access Points scattered over a few city 
         rooftops. Well, one last try: we still think that if someone 
         took a pre-existing ad-hoc routing code like MOBILEMESH and 
         bunged it together with some simple discovery tools and an 
         easy configuration utility, you could build a city-wide IBSS 
         network where *everyone's* machine acted as a router, where 
         the reach of the network naturally grew as more people joined 
         it, and the whole network would be so radically decentralised 
         that not even Bill could love it. 
         http://www.mitre.org/tech_transfer/mobilemesh/ 
                        - might not scale, but, hey, you *never* *know* 
     http://lists.bawug.org/pipermail/wireless/2001-April/000679.html 
      - of course, if all else fails, Pete Shipley'll hack something up 
     http://research.microsoft.com/~bahl/MS_Projects/RadarDemo/demo.htm 
                - but watch out, because Microsoft knows where you are! 
         http://www.free2air.org/ 
                             - here's the hits kid: now write something


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                               oogle at google

         products that should be advertised the same way as Haagen Dazs 
         #1: SCALEXTRIC http://www.tv4.se/lattjo/kojan/bilbanan.asp ... 
         bored? sell some slaves to DISO: http://www.phink.net/elite/ 
         ...wildly plausible AOL INSTANT MESSENGER "Solar Flare" excuse 
     http://www.infoworld.com/articles/hn/xml/01/04/03/010403hnimknock.xml
         imitates #6 at http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard2.html ... GameBoy 
         emulates JACQUARD LOOM: http://www.meetizek.com/features.html 
         ... currently leading the UK ONION pack, because they just 
         don't care: http://www.martian.fm/ ... NATHAN BARLEY presents: 
         http://www.k10k.net/Frames.asp?section=backissue&issue=24 ... 
         boycotting US sites for using non-KYOTO-compliant electricity 
         ... BBC's DOTCOM AND KOSHER TV docu "elbow-chewingly awful": 
         http://www.j-geek.org/pipermail/talk/2001-April/003866.html - 
         mysteriously disappears from TV schedules over Easter... 
         creepy chat-up tips of the FREE SOFTWARE revolutionaries #2: 
        http://crackmonkey.org/pipermail/crackmonkey/1998q4/003006.html
         ... look, can't you just let VRML pass away peacefully in its 
         sleep? http://www.adobe.com/products/atmosphere/main.html ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                         the less rude www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> BBC2 banishes another prime-time US import to the 
         prestigious 6.45pm Friday slot - still, it is only overrated 
         child genius sitcom MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE... newsgroup regular 
         Dom http://www.dvdfever.co.uk/ "The Dominator" McClane co-
         hosts a "warez" special RIGHT TO REPLY (7.30pm, Fri, C4)... 
         and great title sequence, shame about the rest of THE ISLAND 
         OF DR MOREAU (9pm, Fri, C5)... in the absence of a Saturday 
         night war movie, C4 shunts in the final SCIENCE AND THE 
         SWASTIKA (8pm, Sat, C4), on Heisenberg's uncertain sabotage of 
         the Nazi nuke project, as documented in Michael Frayn's play 
         "Copenhagen"... which of course links - via Kraftwerk etc - to 
         the '80s electro-pop pioneers profiled in TOP TEN (9pm, Sat, 
         C4)... despite its "cool" image, actually making pornography 
         remains curiously degrading, 90-minute investigative docu 
         HARDCORE (10.35pm, Sat, C4) is horrified to learn... while SF: 
         UK (12.35am, Sat, C4) explores the Freudian subtext of those 
         extended launch sequences in Gerry Anderson shows, and Blade 
         Runner... hitmen Banderas and Stallone compete to off Julianne 
         "Hannibal" Moore's hacker in wacky Wachowski-written ASSASSINS 
         (10.30pm, Sat, ITV)... Keanu Reeves and the always-unwatchable 
         Rachel Weisz outrun a couple of shockwaves in cold fusion 
         chaser CHAIN REACTION (10.15pm, Sun, BBC1) - not based around 
         the Diana Ross hit single of the same name... after last 
         week's "Kelly's Heroes", Tuesday is C5's Telly Savalas WW2 
         night again with THE DIRTY DOZEN (9pm, Tue, C5)... and the 
         usual Hoffman/ Travolta showboating almost sinks anti-TV 
         hostage social comment MAD CITY (9pm, Thu, C5) - though, to 
         its credit, it's no MRS DOUBTFIRE (8pm, Thu, BBC1)... 
         
         FILM>> the ever-useless Matthew McConaughey helps the giftless 
         Jennifer Lopez make her long-unawaited comedy debut in 
         meticulously formulaic US box office smash THE WEDDING PLANNER 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/weddingplanner.htm : 
         suggestive positioning; lies; mention of homosexuality as 
         being acceptable; man and woman standing in front of a nude 
         male statue with the man cupping the statue's genitals in his 
         right hand)... Spike Lee ingeniously imitates TVGOHOME 
         http://www.stepnfetchitpictures.com/fset.htm - though shooting 
         on digi video doesn't seem to have made him any less angry or 
         heavy-handed, on the strength of "The Producers"-style rap-
         videos-are-the-new-minstrel-shows TV ratings satire BAMBOOZLED 
         (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/bamboozled.html : It's 
         possible that some kids - black or white - might want to do 
         the blackface minstrel thing)... in deference to the "evil" 
         hacker who bears her name, Angelica is "a little extra snippy" 
         in typically scatalogical sequel RUGRATS IN PARIS: THE MOVIE 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rugratsinparis.htm : two 
         dogs sniffing each other; the curvature of Bouche's' glutei 
         maximi; a dog urinating on the Eiffel Tower; constant 
         hatefulness by Angelica)... or there's yet another limited-
         release Australian twentysomething extended bedroom chat 
         BETTER THAN SEX (http://www.cndb.com : "shots of [Susie 
         Porter's] plump little titties throughout this otherwise 
         mundane movie [...] one great scene features Susie recieving 
         head while pinching and squeezing her nips; her areole wrinkle 
         up and the teats stiffen - as will your member!")... 
         
         THE "VICTORIAN AFFECTATION">> and this month's print media 
         round-up opens with the news that we have more or less got the 
         hang of Amazon's new reporting format, as shown by the hot new 
         NTK BESTSELLERS CHART now at http://www.ntk.net/books/ . In 
         fact, with the possible exception of a surprise new entry by 
         THE KIDS FROM FAME SOUNDTRACK, it's pretty much business as 
         usual, with the Top 20 once again dominated by programming 
         manuals, literary classics and, of course, Neal Stephenson - 
         though, reassuringly, no-one seems to have advance-ordered 
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0434009032 yet, 
         despite the enticing information about how many pages it's 
         going to have. Also on the long-range scanner, TVGOHOME fans 
         can look forward to the official tie-in adaptation in October: 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/external-search?keyword=Charlie%20Brooker
         - the long-awaited fourth volume in Brooker's "Community 
         Mental Health" series... uber-fanboy BEN MOOR wrote in to 
         recommend the very-post-Watchmen POWERS COLOURING BOOK (UKP1) 
         http://www.jinxworld.com/powers.htm and Warren Ellis' upcoming 
         MINISTRY OF SPACE, while questioning our omission of the DUNE 
         mini-series from our last pirate video review, as it's now 
         available on off-air US VHS transfers from "the right comic 
         fairs", if you know what we mean. Oddly, this new version 
         seems closer to the book, but isn't as good as the David Lynch 
         film (due to some truly otherworldly bad acting). Of course, 
         NTK condemns piracy should the offenders turn out to be big 
         companies like AOL; though sometimes it's tricky to sympathise 
         when the "victims" are the estate of noted libertarian Robert 
         A Heinlein and Harlan Ellison, who appears to have subtitled 
         his legal fighting-fund appeal "I HAVE NO CAPS LOCK KEY, AND I 
         MUST SCREAM" http://harlanellison.com/kick/kick_rls.htm ... 
         back with your earth publications, insiders seem to have 
         issued their own version of this week's leaked LOADED memo
http://www.mediaguardian.co.uk/presspublishing/story/0,7495,467924,00.html
         - http://members.madasafish.com/~amifiredornot/ , while 
         SUBJECT has made it to issue 2 - despite a promising manifesto
        http://www.moseisley.force9.co.uk/subject/articles/5commands.htm
         and "Question everything" attitude, which even extends to that 
         old publishing aphorism "Don't lay out every article in what 
         looks like giant 14-point Helvetica". And finally, a quick 
         snippet from the ever-vital world of the specialist press, 
         where PRESERVED BUS will, at last, be merging with BUS AND 
         COACH PRESERVATION from the issue dated June 2001. The new 
         title will be go by the name BUS AND COACH PRESERVATION - 
         INCORPORATING PRESERVED BUS, so be sure to keep an eye out for 
         this exciting new title, preserved bus (and coach) fans!...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                  "like Jeeves, we prefer the term 'jovial'"
                             http://ntk.isgay.com
  
                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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