__  __ _2001-08-31   _ _____ _  __      
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        "Taking the form of a page of the Radio Times, Brooker, 30, 
         has been an acerbic and often perceptive critic of modern TV..."
        http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1513000/1513423.stm 
             ...Eurgh-urgh - look at me! I'm a page of the Radio Times!

         
                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                              smokin' in the loos 

         With an all-time shortage of teachers in the UK, combined with 
         current allegations of inexperienced, underqualified teaching 
         staff, it's good to see THE ASSOCIATION OF TEACHERS AND 
         LECTURERS addressing an issue that really matters: the ever-
         present threat of kids falling under the online spell of 
         Satan. Of 2,600 children aged 11 to 16, "more than half said 
         that they were interested in the occult", reported THE TIMES 
         on Tuesday - activities which could "[go] beyond reading a 
         Harry Potter story", warned Peter Smith, the association's 
         general secretary. "Impressionable teenagers," the article 
         relates, are even encouraged "to join in chat rooms to express 
         how miserable they are". From there, of course, it's just a 
         matter of time before they're offering the Prince of Darkness 
         their eternal souls - though, frustratingly, there are "no 
         official figures" for victims driven to suicide in this way. 
         Well done, The Times, for highlighting the part played in 
         these tragedies by Lucifer and his godless protocols - as 
         opposed to other, more complicated factors, like bullying, or 
         unreasonable academic pressures, or that whole "being 
         miserable" thing mysteriously hinted at earlier. 
         http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/0,,2-2001296151,00.html
               - also, by definition, suicide cults never last too long
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/computing.gif
                                 - dabbling with their Photoshop voodoo
         
         New media uber-agency RAZORFISH closed their London office 
         this morning, right on schedule - hopefully the cue for you, 
         our readers, to mail us a few more of your genuinely deranged 
         memories of them. And tell us if you want to remain anonymous, 
         unlike MATHIAS DISNEY and PAUL GLYNN, who share this month's 
         no-prize for Worst BBC News Online Graphic Depicting Hacking. 
         Mathias nominated Thursday's "Mafiaboy Faces Sentencing" (and 
         "nearly every subsequent link") for their inspired use of the 
         classic superimposed sniper's crosshairs, but the outright 
         winner (nominated by both) is Wednesday's disturbingly 
         abstract illustration, described by Paul Glynn as "Evil Edna 
         from Willo the Wisp tries to steal bombs". From either Wile E 
         Coyote or Inspector Clouseau, from the looks of things. 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_1514000/1514215.stm
                      - "Adverse comment on internet". Does this count?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1516000/1516612.stm
                           - now make your own: http://b3ta.com/isdead/ 

         
                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         sporting blunders: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/dohfelch.gif 
         http://www.itv-rugby.com/postcards/ (see template/cards.txt) , 
         http://www.eurosport.com/News.asp?StoryID=102878&LangueID=0 - 
         last one probably deliberate... http://www.unmissabletv.com/ 
         FALCO! http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/beme.gif "and this is how 
         we find out": http://www.lantronics.com/carlos/news.htm ... 
         ditto http://www.smashedatom.com/html/index2.html - *despite* 
         glowing testimonial from FLEXTECH, who set the company up in 
         the first place... "seller: John Ba- no, I mean JR HARTLEY": 
       http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1457241123
         ... will an expensive education help you spell "School"? (Q5): 
www.isis.org.uk/southeast/cgi-bin/search.cgi?location=000007000001&page=1
         ... http://www.metrodreams.co.uk/bapsn/Subs/subs.htm - oddly, 
         roughly translates as "There is no one who loves pain itself, 
         seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is 
         pain"... "and we have just the right presenter in mind": 
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/dohpool.gif ... court case hit 
         them harder than thought, or WORLD DOMINATION plans complete 
         at last: http://www.microsoft.com/uk/preview/forthcoming.htm 
         ... GATEWAY's "growing businesses" sadly don't include their 
         own: http://ie.gateway.com/Segmentation/growing_frameset.htm 
         ... when oh when will the world tire of INAPPROPRIATE ALT 
         TAGS: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/dohech.png ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         ECTS next week(from Sunday 2001-09-02, ExCel Conference 
         Centre, London Docklands, free to trade), which makes a handy 
         creche facility for the suits while the real hardcore are at 
         GAME DEVELOPERS CONFERENCE EUROPE (from today, 2001-08-31, 
         ExCel Conference Centre again, UKP450 + VAT). Then there's ARS 
         ELECTRONICA 2001 (also from Sunday 2001-09-02, Linz, Austria, 
         preferred pronunciation: "Arse"); THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION 
         FESTIVAL OF SCIENCE (2001-09-02 again, University of Glasgow); 
         the near-gravitational pull of another one of those STRANGE 
         ATTRACTOR events (on "Cargo Cults", 7.30pm, Wed 2001-09-05, 
         London, UKP6 - book early to avoid disappointment); and, 
         following bizarre claims that he was "never even booked" to 
         appear at that recent Forbidden Planet thing, WARREN ELLIS 
         talking at WEB 2001 CONFERENCE & EXPO (from Tue 2001-09-05, 
         San Francisco, $50 or something). Though that's assuming you 
         ever make it back intact from Burning Man, of course.
         http://www.gdc-europe.com/
        - it's the http://www.ects.com which doesn't crash your browser
         http://www.aec.at/festival2001/
                          - hey artists, how about a hint of the venue?
         http://www.britassoc.org.uk/festivalofsci/default.htm
                          - "I am become Flash, destroyer of worlds..."
         http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/talks.html
                - seeks hacker for live penetration at next month's gig
         http://www.warrenellis.com/appearances.htm 
         - Majestic-class superwriter to arrive via hyperspatial "door"


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              oogle that google

         Aaliyaaaaaaarghh! and predecessors imitate plot of JOSIE AND 
         THE PUSSYCATS: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/31/dohair.gif , 
         http://uk.imdb.com/Plot?0236348 ...MISSY ELLIOT, VIC REEVES 
         masks - together at last!: http://el.test.at/yougottahavefreak/ 
         vs http://members.tripod.co.uk/rjbeckett/miffy.html ... amusing 
         the BLOGGERS: http://brainsluice.tripod.com/moonlanding.html , 
         http://www.swishcottage.com/graphics/ojdingo-swishcottage.jpg ,
         http://simon.fneh.net/ojmoira2.jpg ... how other countries see 
         us: http://www.vandra.clara.net/opinions/england.htm - clearly 
         hasn't run into some of the UK's more "swinging" citzens yet: 
         http://dir.clubs.yahoo.com/Regional/Countries/United_Kingdom/ 
         ... this week's mad animations - NINTENDO ZELDA, THE VIDEO: 
         http://www.geocities.com/bakagnome/linkuss.swf , and whatever 
         this is: http://www.zefrank.com/invite/swfs/navigation.html 
         ... food porn: http://xxx.bigknockershardcorecheesypeas.com - 
         vs http://www.halloumi.com/ ... notice they haven't tried 
         "installing AOL" yet: http://www.network-gw.demon.co.uk/ ... 
         how about combining http://bigmouth.here-n-there.com/ with 
         http://www.uclinux.com/hand-powered_web_server/ for SEGA BASS 
         FISHING emulator?... cos you always need a spare - for guests: 
         http://www.bid4assets.com/auction/index.cfm?auctionID=32204
         ... CHRIST, on a bike: http://www.christiansportbike.com/ ... 
         implicit subtext of all school reunions resurfaces once more:
http://217.148.34.44/FriendsReunited.asp?wci=membernotes&member_key=708022


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                  the now-on-Mondays? http://www.tvgohome.com/

          TV>> activist-movie compilation ALT WORLD (7.30pm, Fri, C4) 
          appears to be the mildly controversial one from NTK 2001-05-
          18: http://uk.indymedia.org/display.php3?article_id=5060 ... 
          following the spectacular misfire of "Let Them Eat Cake", 
          Jennifer Saunders is forced to resort to another series of the 
          comparatively popular ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS (9pm, Fri, BBC1)... 
          and, in a pre-emptive move to win one of his own t-shirts for 
          free or something, reader JEREMY G believes that he will be 
          wearing his http://uk.geocities.com/osfuk/bigbro.jpg design 
          during the "biggest wipeout" in STREET LUGE (7.30am, Sat, C4) 
          ... in France, overblown Nic Cage accent catastrophe CON AIR 
          (9pm, Sat, BBC1) is called "Les Ailes de l'Enfer" ("Wings of 
          Hell") because "Con" means something else altogether... Oliver 
          Stone implicates almost every decent American character actor 
          in the assassination of JFK (10pm, Sat, BBC2)... and THE 
          TERMINATOR (10.30pm, Sat, ITV) is, indeed, "back", travelling 
          forward in time from when it was originally scheduled 3 weeks 
          ago... the annoying "Does my bum look big in this?" woman 
          narrates consumer pop-psych SHOPOLOGY (7.10pm, Sun, BBC2) - 
          though wasn't that originally a Larry Sanders catchphrase 
          anyway?... the new series of neo-"Good Life" sitcom DOWN TO 
          EARTH (8pm, Sun, BBC1) has some sort of e-commerce subplot... 
          C5's "Rock Day" goes up to 11pm, but kicks off with THE 
          KERRANG! AWARDS 2001 (12.40pm, Sun, C5), and bafflingly 
          includes the surely more soul-based BLUES BROTHERS 2000 (8pm, 
          Sun, C5)... BBC2 fields 3 largely unrelated martial arts 
          flicks and premiers the uncut ENTER THE DRAGON (9pm, Sun, 
          BBC2), following I LOVE KUNG FU (8pm, Sun, BBC2)... while C4 
          celebrates one of those rare British films that actually makes 
          any money with EAST IS EAST (9pm, Sun, C4), immediately 
          preceded by crowd-pleasing theological ratings-grabber TESTING 
          GOD (8pm, Sun, C4)... it's the acclaimed "Pine Barrens" 
          episode of THE SOPRANOS (10pm, Sun, E4)... a one-off prequel 
          to "Marion and Geoff" in A SMALL SUMMER PARTY (9pm, Mon, BBC2) 
          - followed by a new series of Steven "Press Gang" Moffat's 
          erratic COUPLING (10pm, Mon, BBC2)... as Susan "The Meme 
          Machine" Blackmore takes on other primate species to preserve 
          her reputation as THE CLEVEREST APE IN THE WORLD (9.03pm, Mon, 
          C4)... STANLEY KUBRICK: A LIFE IN PICTURES (11.20pm, Mon-Wed, 
          BBC2) does "2001" on Tue... Radha "Pitch Black" Mitchell 
          lesbian heroin drama HIGH ART gets the prestigious Tuesday 
          2.30am slot on C4... Radio4 repeats THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO 
          THE GALAXY (6.30pm, Wed, R4)... and, because there just aren't 
          enough good serial killer documentaries nowadays, thank 
          heavens for MIND OF A MURDERER (9pm, Tue, BBC2), REAL CRIME 
          (10.20pm, Wed, ITV), plus - in something of a double whammy - 
          a SECRET HISTORY (9pm, Thu, C4) on crime during WW2!... 
          
          FILM>> it's "Point Break" - but in the Middle Ages! - as 
          Heath Ledger blandly battles through average action sequences 
          in refreshingly retro-bonkers Chaucer adaptation A KNIGHT'S 
          TALE (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/knightstale.htm : 
          gay suggestions; a LOT of full rear male [Paul "Killer Net" 
          Bettany] nudity, once up close, v-e-r-y close. In one of the 
          shots about 80% of the 60-foot screen was filled with glutei 
          maximi; "We Will Rock You" and "Golden Years" are quality 
          music by talented artists which just goes to show you that 
          being a practitioner of homosexuality has no appreciable 
          effect on the talents and skills of the practitioner, but such 
          practice DOES have an effect on his/her eternal soul)... the 
          "Harry Potter" spinoffs start to arrive with cross-dressing 
          owl musical HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (imdb: babysitter / 
          berlin-wall / betrayal / concert-tour / drag-queen / east-
          berlin / flashback-sequence / limousine / part-animated / 
          restaurant-chain / rock-band / rock-star / sex-change / 
          trailer-park / transsexual / wig / adaptation-directed-by-
          original-author / interracial-romance)... or Jennifer Lopez 
          "can date dead people" in romantic would-be thriller ANGEL 
          EYES (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/angel_eyes.html : 
          [Lopez] wears something of a halter-top that shows a bit of 
          cleavage; we briefly see [Lopez] in her bra; [we] don't see 
          her bare breasts that are blocked by [her] arms) - not, it 
          appears, based on the Abba song of the same name...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                      "nooo - he's getting *everywhere*"
            http://www.stardock.com/products/odnt/odnt-aug01a.jpg
                       (Second icon down from the top)
  
                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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