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        "[British] children open their gifts on Christmas afternoon, 
         following a meal of goose or roast beef and a dessert of plum 
         pudding..."
       http://encarta.msn.com/find/concise.asp?mod=1&ti=761556859&page=4
             ...then ride around in their open-top Bentleys showering 
                             gifts on the poor and shouting "Hoorah!"


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                 legal reviews

         Naturally, we were stunned by a site we saw this week which 
         purported to be the detailed log of workplace bullying, 
         together with some pretty specific and damning accusations. 
         Sadly, since, British law says ISPs are liable if notified of 
         defamatory material on their servers, all it took was 
         correspondence between a worried employer's solicitors and the 
         hosting ISP to have the site shut down. The press release by 
         the site creator is suitably outraged: "'[They] have shot the 
         messenger,' says the author of the site, RICHARD ASHTON.", 
         "'Do they not know that the Internet doesn't work like that?'" 
         Well, maybe they don't - but we're a bit surprised by Mr 
         Ashton's reaction. For isn't this the same Richard Ashton who 
         was ongoing technical consultant and supporter of LAURENCE 
         GODFREY? Lo, and was it not Godfrey's case against Demon that 
         established the precedent that ISPs are publishers in English 
         libel law? In other words - this *is* how the Internet works, 
         apparently. Ashton's done what everyone else does, and has 
         moved the site to a US host: best of luck. Sadly, as Laurence 
         has pointed out to us in the past, we could be liable for even 
         *linking* to libellous material, so fear of a similar libel 
         suit really means we can't publicise Richard's new location. 
         Justice, huh? 
         http://127.0.0.1/
                                - this space intentionally left blank

         Worried that it's getting too late to send that seasonal
         deaththreat? Your Noel gift of loosely-packed icing sugar
         lost in the post? Armchair hoodlums the world over, twiddle
         your moustachios with relief: EVIL ANGELICA and her "Xmas
         Giveaway" hacking offer have returned. As involuntarily
         advertised by www.meet-victoria.com (and later by
         pittsburghrock.com , www.eunhyang.net , www.gibnews.com, and
         www.eprofessionalsinc.com ) web-defacing haxx0r Angelica
         will gladly replace the perfectly innocent front page of a
         semi-obscure domain with festive gr33tz of your own
         devising. Deadline is 2001-12-23, so send your requests to
         webhack_competition@cow-tipper.com where Angelica - as well
         as, we're sure, the National Crime Squad - will select
         the most creative and/or incriminating for further
         examination. Have fun, but do remember: that 4am knock on
         the door is not *always* Santa Claus.
         http://defaced.alldas.de/?attacker=EVIL+ANGELICA
   - you're already taking that mailbox down, aren't you another.com?

         Perhaps understandably, the one "titsup.com" story that THE 
         REGISTER haven't been crowing over this week involved the 
         layoffs of half their own writing staff. As reported in THE 
         GUARDIAN blah blah irreverent approach blah blah advertising 
         downturn, but it was left to relatively-gloat-free Reg-in-
         exile THE INQUIRER to name those made redundant, including 
         reader's favourite Kieren McCarthy, whose work in particular 
         we've had the honour of linking to on oh so many occasions. 
         Tech journalism, we fear, will be an even duller place without 
         them. Plus, with THE TIMES INTERFACE and DOTCOM TELEGRAPH (nee 
         CONNECTED) also among this year's casualties, we've got to 
         pray that BBC NEWS ONLINE keeps going next year, or we're 
         going to be completely stuck for material.
         http://www.theinquirer.net/19120106.htm
                - Point-Counterpoint: Register Loses Four Journalists
     http://www.hamhigh.co.uk/archived/2001/1214/news/asp/newsbig.asp
                             - vs: experts reject "Register For Gays"       


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         FOXTONS attack stereotype of boring, non-cross-dressing estate 
         agents: http://www.foxtons.co.uk/shortlets/images/arnaud1.jpg ,
         http://www.foxtons.co.uk/shortlets/images/tim1.jpg ... it's 
         Craig *David*, dad: http://www.ntk.net/2001/12/21/dohcraig.gif 
         ... BBC illustrations don't get much more literal than this: 
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1719000/1719019.stm
         ... the capable JEEVES provides topical hint for US military: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/12/21/dohjeeves.gif ... inappropriate 
         *hic* banner ad: http://www.ntk.net/2001/12/21/dohalco.gif ... 
         http://widdecombe-of-the-week.museum ... sales starting early: 
         http://www.topixonline.com/cgi-bin/sgin0101.exe?T1=TC604C ... 
         GeForce 2 MX 400 graphics card - fast enough for 11.7GHz CPU?: 
     http://www.compaq.ie/products/desktops/evo/options/d300/p4_1.5.stm
         ... if you like [Channel 4 News], we also recommend "Edge Of 
         Darkness": http://us.imdb.com/Title?0239164 ... run them down, 
         using your car: http://www.ntk.net/2001/12/21/dohsf2.gif ... 
         searching for "jugs" at DEBENHAMS http://www.debenhams.com/ vs
         http://catalogs.google.com/catalogs?q=bra ... 


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         [ Having last week broken our vow to hand-test every Tracking
         we cover, tragically the whole house of cards has come
         tumbling down. So, while we struggle to reimplement our
         ethics using a strongly worded New Year's Resolution list,
         alllow us to slip one biased review through the breach. If
         only because he's been sending us tips, quotes and bile
         for years, if only because his plug-in makes a disturbingly
         fascinating screensaver even if you have no clue what you're
         looking at, if only because it's Newtonmas: Lloyd - this one's
         for (and by, and from) you: ]

         See Teledesic fully operational. Run Globalstar without
         spending any money. Deorbit Iridium's satellites, one by
         one. The only constellations you'll ever get to control are
         in SaVi 1.2, which runs under Linux and some of those
         unfashionable Unixes, too. Now, if someone can plot a TIE
         fighter and supply a Death Star texture-map, we'll be able 
         to use all this for something people actually seem to WANT.
         http://savi.sourceforge.net/
                                      - now with added lava-lamp mode
         http://www.geomview.org/
                         - set your controls for the heart of the sun
         http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/L.Wood/software/SaVi/
                                               - it's that man again!


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         "Well, it looks like *somebody's* not getting any this 
         Christmas": http://www.cihost.com/images/ebus_popup_xmas.jpg 
         ... this week's URL pass-the-parcel: http://www.nolgo.com/ ... 
         disclaimerville, dude: http://home.att.net/~waterses/myeck/ 
         ... http://www.monkeon.co.uk/store/ too trendy to stock any of 
         http://www.martian.fm/singles.htm ... and they call computer 
         users sad: http://www.cardiffcity.com/Swans_Fan.mp3 ... *too* 
         viral marketing?: http://www.mainframe.co.uk/christmas.mov ... 
         http://www.violetshivers.com/John/Burgertime/Tenets.html vs 
         http://www.uncleclive.co.uk/ ... http://www.weaselweekly.com/ 
         vs http://www.fascinatingferrets.com/ ... hey, who needs 
         CRYPTO?: http://www.coincidencedesign.com/q-shutdown.html ... 
         handouts *will* be available at the end of the presentation: 
         http://www.craphound.com/misc/doubletree.htm ... Xmas panto at 
         Sussex University Cognitive Science Dept featured character 
         called "the cyborg formerly known as Kevin Warwick"... oops:
         http://www.dailyrotten.com/articles/archive/189387.html vs 
     https://badtrans.monkeybrains.net/search.html?table=res&search=gov.uk


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> in the absence of any real celebrities, the BBC goes a 
         bundle on impressions of them instead, in ALISTAIR MCGOWAN'S 
         BIG IMPRESSION (11.15pm, Fri; 7.40pm, Tue, BBC1) plus Dame 
         Edna's NIGHT OF A THOUSAND FACES (9.25pm, Sat, BBC1)... 
         "Rabblemock Ha-Ha Time" returns in the unamusing disguises of 
         the TRIGGER HAPPY CHRISTMAS TV SPECIAL (9.30pm, Fri; 10.40pm, 
         Sat; 9.05pm, Mon, C4) followed next Fri by who-cares docuspoof 
         BEING DOM JOLY (11.20pm, Fri, C4)... but some of the films are 
         quite good, including against-type De Niro nerdfest THE KING 
         OF COMEDY (11.5pm, Fri, BBC2), maths-prodigy man-weepie GOOD 
         WILL HUNTING (9.25pm, Sat, BBC2), and topical desert shoot-em-
         up LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1.40pm, Sun, C4)... Sunday night is 
         particularly poor, however, featuring historo-yawn ELIZABETH 
         (9pm, Sun, C4), Terry Gilliam time-travel tedium TWELVE 
         MONKEYS (9pm, Sun, BBC2) and more o' Robert De Niro in sub-
         "Mission Impossible" romp RONIN (10.30pm, Sun, BBC1)... 
         households celebrating a more "non-traditional" Christmas Eve 
         can pick from quickfire Jackie Chan kickabout RUSH HOUR 
         (8.30pm, Mon, BBC1), the sophisticated live-action South-Park 
         humour of BASEKETBALL (10.35pm, Mon, C4), or ITV's bafflingly 
         regular early-morning showing of TIM BURTON'S THE NIGHTMARE 
         BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1.15am, Mon, ITV)... on Christmas Day, we'd 
         still go for THE GREAT ESCAPE (3.10pm, Tue, ITV) over Pixar's 
         overrated TOY STORY (4.40pm, Tue, BBC1)... and, indeed, Peter 
         "Lord Of The Rings" Jackson's BRAINDEAD (1.40am, Tue, C4), in 
         a double-bill with Clive Barker's HELLRAISER (12midnight, Tue, 
         C4), over ponderous Paltrow parallel-reality SLIDING DOORS 
         (10.55pm, Tue, BBC1)... the BBC's commitment to CGI continues 
         with an utterly convincing "Bob Hoskins" exploring THE LOST 
         WORLD (6.25pm, Tue & Wed, BBC1) and animated Woody Allen 
         anthropomorphism ANTZ (5.15pm, Wed, BBC1)... and Julia "Press 
         Gang" Sawalha nips out of Sky's curiously unpublicised TIME 
         GENTLEMEN PLEASE (10pm, Mon, Sky1) to stand in for Caroline 
         Quentin in JONATHAN CREEK (9.05pm, Wed, BBC1) - which, if only 
         they replaced Alan Davies as well, would be nigh-on perfect... 
         
         FILM>> basically, the scenery is like a three-hour holiday to 
         New Zealand, with some dudes playing a particularly cliched 
         Warhammer campaign in front of it - probably exactly what you 
         were hoping for from THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF 
         THE RING (http://www.screenit.com/ : a comment is made about 
         what certain characters smoke in their pipes being "weed"; 
         magic, sorcery and the like [...] occurs and/or is practiced 
         by some characters; kids could be enticed to imitate all of 
         the fighting and action that occurs in the film)... a decent 
         supporting cast help make up for Kate Beckinsale grinning like 
         a lunatic in fatalistic John Cusack rom com SERENDIPITY 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/serendipity.htm : 
         homosexual jokes, insult, suggestion; extremely short skirt; 
         much faith in fate and destiny)... or it's Vinnie "Swordfish" 
         Jones, Danny "Human Traffic" Dyer and Sally "Smack The Pony" 
         Phillips - together at last! - in unintentionally homoerotic 
         Burt Reynolds remake THE MEAN MACHINE (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ :
         passed '15' for strong language and moderate violence) - and 
         not, it appears, based around the 2000AD/Judge Dredd character 
         of the same name... 
         
         RED BOOK AUDIO>> and kicking off our special tribute edition 
         to pioneering soundalike-warez enthusiast George Harrison 
         http://www.copyrightwebsite.com/audio/harrison/harrison.asp , 
         we're not sure which '80s ambient track the CHEMICAL BROTHERS' 
         "Star Guitar" reminds us of, but the view-from-a-train video, 
         directed by Michel "Let Forever Be" Gondry, is fantastic... 
         furthermore, reader RO BITCHARSE alleges that the intro to 
         "Rebel Girl" by BIKINI KILL "is exactly the same" as "I Am The 
         Resurrection" by THE STONE ROSES, prophesying that "Kathleen 
         Hanna would kick Ian Brown's scrawny little arse if they ever 
         came to blows over it"... and over by the Top 40 section, BEN 
         MOOR muses that S-CLUB 7's "Have You Ever" starts "an awful 
         lot" like THE CARPENTERS' "Top Of The World", and that TYMES 
         4's "She Got Game" is "exactly the same song" as DREEM's "He 
         Loves You Not" - "even down to the same video. Nearly"... 
         among readers' own efforts, SHELDON SOUTHWORTH felt compelled 
         to warn the world of his seasonally-themed remixes over at 
         http://www.diffusiononline.net/ , including GREG LAKE's "I 
         Believe In Father Christmas 2001" and "a semi-official 
         Clangers one on the way in the New Year", while "Hey Hey 16K" 
         guy MJ HIBBETT http://www.mjhibbett.com/ continued to remind 
         us of a modern-day Half Man Half Biscuit - but with a genuine 
         grasp of pathos and melody - on his new "Milk And Baubles" EP, 
         which features an undocumented acoustic cover of EMINEM's 
         "Stan"... which brings us to this month's round-up of "Ads 
         That Sound Like Songs That Sound Like Other Songs That Sound 
         Like Videogames, Or Something". NICK DRAGE wondered if the use 
         of RESIDENT EVIL sound effects in MTV's recent ads for 
         extremepie.com created "the right mental links" in the viewer, 
         as MARTIN PARKER questioned the appropriateness of the ISLEY 
         BROTHERS' "Harvest For The World" ("surely a plea to us 
         decadent Westerners to try to end world hunger", he argued, 
         with lyrics like "Half of us are satisfied, half of us in 
         need") in the TV campaign for "sub-pub grub" chain Harvester. 
         "Screw you, Starvin' Marvin," he paraphrases, "I'm going for 
         the all-you-can-eat special". And, to end on a Christmassy 
         note, one of our own current ad-music favourites: if it's too 
         loud for the bloke in the bar to hear that the girl wants to 
         order a Baileys, then *what the hell* is she talking to her 
         friends about beforehand?... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                        "we said NTK *above* tvgohome"
                  ("Top 10 websites of the year", The Face, p102)


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