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 "Think of it as a sandwich," said Linda McNulty, director of
 worldwide product marketing for Apple's desktop lines. McNulty said
 the bold colors represent the energy of the music revolution Apple
 is embracing. "We wanted to further convey what music would look
 like...as a color."
 http://news.cnet.com/news/0-1006-200-4921252.html
- APPLE EXPLAINS ITS REVOLUTIONARY NEW "WORLDWIDE COLORFUL MUSIC SANDWICH"
   ...and as the stock falls, the kool-aid gets stronger and stronger


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                out you goooo!

         Last week's news that 8-bit classics MANIC MINER and JET SET
         WILLY would be returning to our modern computer-game consoles
         came as a surprise to many - including, it appears, the
         original creator of the titles, MATTHEW SMITH. Sources close
         to the reclusive author on comp.sys.sinclair claim that Matt
         will have no input into the new titles, and will not benefit
         in any way from the deal, in which Jester Interactive acquired
         the rights to the entire Graftgold back catalogue, including
         MM and JSW. Now, it takes a lot to rile the diehards on c.s.s,
         who have, after all, witnessed everything they ever loved
         crumble into oblivion, but this news appears to have been
         the last straw - along with an incident when one of the
         ringleaders, upon contacting a senior Jester representative
         about the matter, allegedly received the succinct reply:
         "Fuck off dickhead".
http://groups.google.com/groups?th=c723bde804b0cc8e&rnum=9&seld=917992161&ic=1
               - the rights owner vs the only people guaranteed to buy
                the product if it's ever released. Let battle commence!

         To the GOVERNMENT GATEWAY Website: and straight out again,
         with a flea in our ear. It seems we need Windows or a Mac
         (and no Mozilla). Paranoid minds might suggest that this is
         an evil side-effect of the government handing the site
         contract to Microsoft. But we're not like that. No, we're
         *really* paranoid. If you do use an MS browser (just like
         the UK's Unix-driven crypto mavens don't), you'll find that
         Government Gateway is the first step to introducing a state
         public-key infrastructure. The "blessed" system (which, in
         the spirit of joined-up government, looks like it'll apply
         to all your state transactions) is CHAMBERSIGN. This is a
         system run by Viacode, with "key recovery" built in. You get
         to generate your signature key. Your encryption key, though,
         is created by Viacode - and they keep backups. So if you use
         it for communicating securely, someone, somewhere, could
         silently obtain your key from Viacode and monitor you. To be
         honest, it's not as bad as it might have been: ChamberSign
         does use a bunch of open standards, and staring with our
         childish eyes at it, it looks like you could sign your
         self-generated PGP key with a mogrified official
         ChamberSignature, and therefore make the kosher PGP key as
         legally binding as the original. Except: the ChamberSign
         FAQ: "while ...a ChamberSign digital signature will stand up
         in a court of law, the PGP digital signature is unlikely
         to". PGP: perfectly legal, just not supported under this
         government. Just like you weirdo Unix voters.
         http://www.gateway.gov.uk/
                    - warning: it also tends to crash a lot. surprise
         http://www.chambersign.co.uk/faqs.htm
             - crazy thing is, the CoC were dead against the RIP bill
         http://www.chambersign.co.uk/downloads/cps.pdf
- search for "shall not undertake key escrow" [sic] for escrow details

         Oh, sod it, we're all terrorists anyway. As ROSS ANDERSON,
         aforementioned crypto maven and public enemy number one,
         noted this week, his involvement in trying to stop the gov
         having unlimited access to all health info in the UK would
         make him a terrorist under the new Terrorism Act 2000. We
         put that down to his own overactive imagination - until the
         usually conservative ROLAND PERRY, acting CEO of LINX, said
         that he was genuinely concerned that anti-spamming actions
         (such as blackholing) could count as terrorism, too, under
         the Act. Apparently, the "cybercrime" provisions are so
         broad that looking at a phonebox while wearing a 2600 badge
         could land you in H-Block. And then there's Jack Straw's
         *new* plans to make e-mail and SMS "hate messages" (what,
         like M GNA KL U U BSTRD?) a criminal offence. This is, he
         says, to protect scientists from animal rights protestors.
         Protect them from what? Unnecessarily distracting
         electromagnetic interference? Really annoying operator
         logos? What? WHAT?
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/pipermail/ukcrypto/2001-February/014950.html
                                           - just call him Braveheart
http://www.gorjuss.com/medicalprivacy/
                     - we like the Henry Root-style "here's a tenner" bit
http://counter.li.org/cgi-bin/runscript/display-person.cgi?user=95778
- okay, so some of us *are* FBI double-agents. THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         sure, it won't stop you sending us it, but we'll try anything:
  http://www.microsoft.com&item=q209354@www.hwnd.net/pub/mskb/Q209354.asp
         - read the fucking URL, you lamers... http://www.vnunet.com/
         FALCO!... POPBITCH alerts readers to "new album" from Weird Al
         Jankovic ("Running With Scissors", released June 1999), also
         recommends cult flash anim "All Your Base Are Destroy By [sic]
         Us"... tough times at ZAPITOVER.COM, flogging any old love,
         prosperity, iced gem biscuits they still have hanging around:
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/02/23/zapitdohver.gif ... "Declining
         Mental Skills Can Catch You Unaware", reveals PENN STATE U:
         http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2001/02/010215075223.htm
         ... smug BARCLAYCARD wankers allege purchase is "on it's way":
         http://ad.uk.doubleclick.net/543147/uk-lost-free-468x60-12k.gif
         ... why no "How to access old pages from a search engine, even
         though they've closed the index due to prank contributions
         like:" http://www.autistics.org/skills/pages/leavelover.html
         ... you know, we think they meant to spell it "KUNSThalle":
  http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/europe/newsid_1174000/1174876.stm
         ... Entranet FALCO - do we get a UKP3,000 bonus for naming
         everyone you sack?... IBM sponsoring engineers to "focus on
         girls": http://www.ntk.net/2001/02/23/dohibm.jpg ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Whenever we hear the phrase "rooftop party", we think of
         either The Beatles' open-air performance at Apple Studios ,
         or the ex-CIA sniper team in KW Jeter's "Dr Adder" - neither
         of which are presumably the intended connotations of the
         INDUSTRY STANDARD EUROPE's "Rooftop London" event, which (we
         believe) may be taking place on Wed 2001-02-28 (there's a
         page where you register and they invite you if you're cool
         enough, or something). Of course, that's also the same night
         as the racily titled ETHICAL MEDIA NETWORK EVENT (from
         6.30pm, 2001- 02-28, a pub in Covent Garden, London),
         which'll no doubt be full of well-meaning do-gooders who've
         turned up for Thu's DIGITAL FUTURES CONFERENCE on
         e-sustainability (from 9am, 2001-03-01, The British Library,
         London) - a question which has, in many cases,
         satisfactorily answered itself in the year since these
         reports were commissioned. Afterwards, if you can tear
         yourself away from the prospect of William Rowe (of the
         apparently now defunct-again Ninfomania) at Richard
         Barbrook's CYBERSALON (7pm, Thu, the ICA), PROF KEVIN
         WARWICK will be wowing the locals with his usual routine at
         CAFE SCIENTIFIQUE (7pm, Blackwells Bookshop, Oxford). "Come
         along and join us?" comments Kevin Warwick Watch Operative
         Tom. "More like 'Come along and be assimilated at Warwick
         Mobile Command Centre, foolish humans!'"
         http://europe.thestandard.com/events/rooftop/invite
         - or Christopher Fowler's "Roofworld", perhaps
         http://www.ethicalmedia.com/
         - scheduling vs the Industry Standard: how ethical is that?
         http://www.digitalfutures.org.uk/
         - Eno! Porritt! Lane-Fox! Together at last!
         http://www.cybersalon.org/cybersalon/resources/itv_flyer.html
         - "interactive TV night" promoted by high-tech leaflet scan
         http://www.cafescientifique.org/warwick-0301.html
         - Not "If", but "*When* will cyborgs rule the world?"


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Given that it's been theoretically proven not to work, how
         *is* GNUTELLA doing these days? Quite well, ta. Following
         the spectacular collapse of the initial network around
         August, hordes of Developer-Philosopher-Kings have been
         picking through the wreckage, bolting together more
         reasonable clients, and starting all over again. With some
         payback, too: BEARSHARE (for Windows) and LIMEWIRE (for
         Java-ish platforms) have both combined tough rules against
         freeloaders, a *cough*centralised*cough* set of initial
         gateways into Gnutterspace, a smatter o' routing heuristics,
         decent user interfaces, and a stupid portmanteau name, to
         create an irrestible download for Gnutella fans. The
         Gnutosphere is better for it. Of course, it still doesn't
         work very well, but that's not the point. The point is that
         Napster's going down - eventually, the RIAA's twitching
         ratter-lawyers are after OpenNap, and the popular port of
         last resort remains port 6346 - Gnapster. Although if you're
         installing JRE for LIMEWIRE, you might as well look at
         Freenet.
         http://www.openp2p.com/pub/a/p2p/2001/01/25/truelove0101.html
                      - clip2.com working to create the Second Republic
         https://www.reg2.meetingsplus.com/oreillyp2p/main.taf
                                                      - see you in 2201
         http://espra.net/
                                                    - soon, my pretty

         This is so cheap. WEBJUMP-PLUS is the extended version of
         Webjump, the handy utility hidden away in the lower alphabet
         of the emacs lisp mountain. M-X webjump is built into GNU
         Emacs and XEmacs: it lets you pull up search-engine queries
         and dictionaries with a minimum number of keystrokes;
         Webjump-Plus isn't pre-packaged, but is more regularly
         updated, and with a much wider variety of destinations. It's
         got one word links to Google Groups or Java Docs or
         Cryptome, or, ah, NTK, listed in the code with the comment
         ";; Tempting to troll for a plug here, but we refrain
         virtuously.". Such virtue is rewarded; we'll get our
         punishment in Hell for crumbling under the pressure.
         http://www.neilvandyke.org/webjump/webjump-plus.el.html
- although why a bad URL for BOTH beat us to the official Emacs version...
         http://www.neilvandyke.org/webjump/
                                 - oh, we're just ungrateful wretches


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

 http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/newsid_1170000/1170301.stm
         vs http://www.chez.com/viviane/thailande/ ... MORMONS imitate
         ONION: http://www.sltrib.com/02202001/utah/73061.htm ... this
         week's COMPANY ANTHEM: http://www.wirelessgroup.com/jingle.swf
         - somebody sign up BARCELONA's "I Have the Password to Your
         Shell Account": http://www.barcelonadc.com/frame.asp?p=sounds
         ... IRAQ used PS2s to build "integrated air defence system":
        http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4138127,00.html
         - vs http://www.nulldevice.net/images/saddam.gif - *literally*
         vs http://www.nmd.org.uk/ ... DR DOBBS brings back VERITY
         STOB: http://www.ddj.com/columns/stob/2001/0102vs001.htm ...
         wow, this one-floppy AMIGA demo expands to more than 40MB of
         video! http://www.byterapers.com/~sivu/amiga/ ... REBOOT V4.0:
         http://www.inwap.com/mf/reboot/images/index.cgi?rb4kids.jpg
         ... if you're sending us funny 404s, please make them at least
         as complicated as this: http://www.scintilla.utwente.nl/404nf
         ... http://www.potnoodle.com vs http://www.subgenius.com ...
         http://www.plugboy.com/news/plumber.htm "shares inspiration"
         with http://www.theonion.com/onion3601/plumbing_industry.html
         ... for all your mistranslated Japanese retro videogaming needs:
         http://zanyvg.overclocked.org/ ... "Tonight I'm gonna party
         like it's (time_t) 1E9"...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                        the less rude www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> a new run of over-self-conscious fanboy sitcom SPACED
         (9.30pm, Fri, C4) displaces the last episode of THE ARMSTRONG
         AND MILLER SHOW to the popular 11.25pm slot... intriguingly
         scheduled against young people's pop show CD:UK, new "Vision:
         On" VEE-TV (11.25am, Sat, C4) exposes how text messaging makes
         it easier for the deaf to buy drugs... and LIVING DANGEROUSLY:
         HACKERS IN WONDERLAND (11.45pm, Sat, C4) features obligatory
         Defcon footage, drum and bass, Cyberjunky, those Zapatista
         clowns, some oddly defensive goth girls, and Coldfire - in a
         laundrette!... followed on Sun by "Office Space"-inspiring
         hacker yawn SUPERMAN III (3pm, Sun, BBC1)... the usual WW2
         coverage - TORA! TORA! TORA! (7.30pm, Sat, C4) - merges into
         an unofficial Eastwood weekend, starting with THE GOOD, THE
         BAD AND THE UGLY (11.15pm, Sat, ITV), and ending in '70s Clint
         taking on WW2 Clint in the form of MAGNUM FORCE (9pm, Sun, C5)
         vs WHERE EAGLES DARE (10.55pm, Sun, BBC1)... you wait all week
         for a reluctant, misunderstood messiah, then three turn up all
         at once, in the original pilot of THE INCREDIBLE HULK (5.15pm,
         Sun, C5), MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN (9pm, Sun, C4), and
         Stew Lee/ Simon Munnery/ Kevin Eldon/ Johnny Vegas's League
         Against Tedium roadshow ATTENTION SCUM (11.50pm, Sun, BBC2)...
         Nick Berry and Stephen Tompkinson play undercover paedophiles
         who are "IN DEEP" (9.05pm, Mon, BBC1), while online chat
         moderation is also an issue in Tompkinson's former stomping
         ground of BALLYKISSANGEL (8.20pm, Thu, BBC1)... featuring both
         Will "Jambo" Mellor and Natalie "Carol" Casey, TWO PINTS OF
         LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS (9.30pm, Mon, BBC2) appears to be
         the hotly unawaited Hollyoaks: The Sitcom... and the MIDDLE
         CLASSES: THEIR RISE AND SPRAWL (9pm, Fri, BBC2) acts like most
         TV isn't all about being middle-class anyway, as demonstrated
         this week by IKEA MANIA (12pm, Sun, C5), INSIDE MARKS AND
         SPENCERS (8pm, Sun, C4), and TROUBLE AT THE TOP's look at
         Pringles (9.50pm, Thu, BBC2) - not the crisps, the sweaters...

         FILM>> not content with his shot-for-shot copy of "Psycho",
         Gus Van Sant starts remaking his own movies in Sean Connery/
         Busta Rhymes "Good Will Hunting" retread FINDING FORRESTER
         (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/finding_forrester.html :
         [Connery] pours himself a drink; [he] has another drink; in a
         later scene, he pours himself another drink; [he] has another
         drink, and then several more). "Features The Music Of MILES
         DAVIS" proclaims the poster, revealing perhaps too much about
         the target audience... GWH's Matt Damon goes on to play a
         tormented golfing genius in Will Smith/ Charlize Theron's
         below-par hybrid of "The Natural", "Tin Cup" and the "Bhagavad
         Gita" (the Hindu "Song of God"), in THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE
         (http://www.saunalahti.fi/~mitt/movierat/z_baggervance.htm :
         upper [female] body without clothing from the level of breasts
         and upwards; great economic inequality; using a holy name
         connected with a well-known religion for swearing; about 9
         swear-words, whose meaning is excrement or eternal kingdom of
         destruction; uncommonly beautiful camerawork; classical
         orchestra, oldish light instrumental music, bagpipes, choir)
         ... or you're stuck with Stephen "High Fidelity" Frears and
         Jimmy "Cracker" McGovern - together at last! - in "Angela's
         Ashes"-style Catholic Scouser political poverty-porn LIAM
         (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Contains infrequent strong language
         and horror)...

         BONERS, OMISSIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS>> "Pancake Day is just
         around the corner", raged ADRIAN MOULDER, "but you have yet to
         mention FINDUS SWEET PANCAKES (UKP1.49 for 6) - available in
         both jammy 'Raspberry Ripple' and school-custard-style 'Milky
         Chocolate' varieties!" Well, that's because they weren't out
         last time we did food, Adrian, though we are pleased to report
         that they largely live up to their microwaveable crepe promise
         (though are strangely unpalatable direct from the freezer)...
         resident Industry Standard sophisticate GEORGIA CAMERON-CLARKE
         highlighted an omission in last week's "Victorian Affectation"
         print media round-up, noting that boy-composer prodigy DANIEL
         PEMBERTON appears twice in this month's VOGUE, once "at a book
         launch where he is referred to as man-about-Hoxton - I kid you
         not. And the second is at some spaz party where people become
         DJs for a few minutes". We've been unable to verify these
         sightings in person - or check if he's wearing his stylish
         "Ghostbusters" boilersuit [NTK 2000-10-13] - as Vogue has
         expanded to an ad-packed heftiness previously only seen in
         the heyday of "Computer Shopper" or "Personal Computer World"
         (though of course there are usually more scantily clad women -
         in Personal Computer World!)... but the busiest mailbox, as
         ever, was provoked by LLOYD WOOD's off-the-cuff observation
         that bus-poster advertising for Disney's "The Emperor's New
         Groove" movie makes intermittent use of the word "Minging".
         Or, "Mingin'", to be absolutely accurate, as numerous readers
         helpfully pointed out, variously describing this as "better"
         (ADAM HUFFMAN), "worse" (ANON), "the horror" (A CHEFFIE), and
         "[giving me] a new mental interpretation of the title 'The
         Emperor's New Groove'" (TIM BROWSE)... on a related note,
         thanks to all of you who responded to the great "Nudity In
         Movie Reviews" debate [NTK 2001-02-02], including ADAM RICE's
         "Please continue the quotes from cndb.com. I feel they treat
         Hollywood movies with exactly the level of respect they
         deserve. However, I would be grateful if you would discontinue
         the quotes from the Christian websites as I find them highly
         offensive", plus IAIN BOYD's succinct comeback to our
         explanation of why we were doing it: "Never apologise. Never
         explain." Sorry Iain, won't happen again!... thanks also to
         those who took the trouble to suggest alternative quantitative
         review sites: LIZ NICKELS for the bizarre "Finnish Capalert"
         at http://www.saunalahti.fi/~mitt/ (see this week's "Legend Of
         Bagger Vance"), and tireless LLOYD WOOD, for "Boner's Movie
         Review Page" at http://woods.bianca.com/shacklet/CYBERCOP ,
         where each film receives a mark out of 10 on the "BonerMeter",
         presumably based on how many - literal or metaphorical -
         erections the reviewer experienced during the film... once
         again, this is all "just for fun", so please don't start
         sending us your own sexual responses to recent movie releases,
         especially the guy who felt the need to clarify that the "good
         bits" in "The Little Mermaid" DVD start "at Chapter 16". NTK
         regrets that this correspondence *remains* closed...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                     "stylish... warped... faintly ironic"
                        p13, Internet Magazine, 2001-03

                                 NEED TO KNOW
     THEY SET US UP THE BOMB. NOW WE SET THEM UP IT... CHRIST MAKE IT STOP
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