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                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                           more "aahs" than "oohs"

         In the sequential access of our lives, the end-of-year
         marker is fast approaching, and anti-spam laws are clunking
         into place across the world, like big Thames Flood Barriers
         made of sieves. In the transnational world of spam, it's
         fascinating to note the regional differences in spam laws
         and the responses to them. In the US, the FTC is mandated to
         research spam "bounty hunting" for 20% of the civil reward.
         Such "Bayesian Dogs" will surely wander the blasted SMTP
         relays of our dystopian future, using their "electro-nux" to
         trace IP addresses and dispense justice, under the watchful
         eye of maverick frontier Justice Larry "Hang Em High" Lessig. 
         http://www.siliconvalley.com/mld/siliconvalley/5725404.htm
                                - it's section 11 of the law, stronts

         In the UK, of course, things are rather more formal. Three
         clicks deep in the Information Commissioner's website,
         you'll find a Word Document file which contains instructions
         on how to report illegal spam. After answering such
         technical questions as "What is the number assigned to the
         line you normally use to access this email account?" (they
         don't really get this packet-switched thing, do they?), you
         should print out your response, the offending spam with
         headers, *FOLD IT CAREFULLY* then put it in envelope and
         post it to the Information Commissioners office. Please
         enclose a sample of the penis-enlarging ointment, if
         purchased.
       http://www.informationcommissioner.gov.uk/eventual.aspx?id=95
                        - no, thanks. This is really helping. Cheers.

         And no NTK next week (it's Boxing Day, for heaven's sake), 
         though we'll probably be back with the web's last ever review 
         of 2003 at the start of January. Until then, a quick look at 
         this year's other "unfinished business": while the browser-
         friendliness of MARKS AND SPENCER remains subject to debate, 
         reader EDDY PARRIS was more concerned of his inability to 
         access dabs.com with Mozilla since their "wonderful" rework a 
         few months previously, lamenting that the site is (otherwise) 
         "one of the best online computer stores (savastore.com is OK 
         but not up to dabs' old standard)". RUSSELL CRONIN faces a 
         chilly Christmas (or a trip to the Post Office) after finding 
         his Mac can't access his BRITISH GAS house.co.uk bill online, 
         "due to the operating systems used by Macintosh computers", a 
         spokesman was kind enough to let him know. But there's light 
         at the end of the tunnel, at reader TIM reported that the 
         ROYAL MAIL have responded to scathing criticism of their poor 
         site usability [see NTK 2003-08-22], and have provided a 
         detailed (and accessible) Consignia site-map - apparently by 
         accidentally deleting one of their index.jsp's.
         http://www.house.co.uk/
              - those G3s must give off a lot of heat though, surely?
         http://www.royalmail.com/gear/consignia/portal/content/html/
                 - grabbed at http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohpo.gif
         http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02003-08-22&l=41#l
           - of course they had a secret, usable version all the time
  

                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         danger! danger!: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbeag.gif ... 
         impartial BBC: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohhunt.gif ... 
         Blue Peter viewers forthright in "what to do with Saddam" 
         debate: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbp.gif ... Rumsfeld 
         no stranger to persuasively repetitive interrogation technique: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohprof.gif ... even easier than 
         it looks: http://www.xfm.co.uk/Article.asp?id=12288 - vs: 
      http://www2.xfm.co.uk/staticweb/EdFeatures/flipflopquiz/datastor.js
         ... good advice: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohhold.gif ... 
         we're sure there's another one-man show in this somewhere: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohgor.gif ... "Buyyyyyy Meee", 
         backwards: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohdev.gif ... fresh
         hell is this: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbristol.gif ... 
         MI2G "derives continuous inspiration" from famously stable old
         contraption: http://www.mi2g.com/cgi/mi2g/press/171203kh.php - 
         vs http://www.monbiot.com/dsp_article.cfm?article_id=628 ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         GOTOs considered non-harmful

         Of course, one attends the major social events of the season 
         not so much to see who's there, as to "be seen" - which 
         presents something of a dilemma regarding tonight's INQUIRER 
         OUT OF FOCUS GROUP (from 6ish, Fri 2003-12-19, The Marquis of 
         Granby pub, 52 Chandos Place, London, WC2N) - if you'd like to 
         get crossed off The Register's Christmas Card list - and THE 
         LONDON 2600 XMAS PARTY (from 7.30pm, also Fri 2003-12-19, "Be 
         The Reds" Korean-style cybercafe, 39 Whitfield Street, London 
         W1T) - where one of the biggest gaffes imaginable is ignoring 
         someone's "handle" and asking, "No, who are you *really*?"
         http://www.oofg.com/gallery/
                 - sufficiently *in* focus to identify many attendees
         http://www.london2600.org.uk/
            - used to be "Cyberia", for those with very long memories


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         CD installs OK, cut scenes are fine, the graphics engine 
         impressive in places, but it looks like those hoity-toity PC 
         programmers forgot just one little thing: something we old-
         fashioned reviewers like to call "gameplay". Oh, hang on. Ah, 
         right - this is actually a DVD compilation of some of the 
         winning flicks from the MACHINIMA FILM FESTIVAL 2002 (they're 
         not called "Quake Movies" any more from the looks of things, 
         because, well, they're not all made with Quake, for a start). 
         It's a broad snapshot of the state of the art at that time (so 
         no Halo-based "Red Versus Blue", for instance), ranging from 
         the crude 1999-era cop spoof "Rick Jones 2" (director's motto: 
         never use a cut transition when a whip-pan will do), via some 
         slightly wacky short features (plus director interviews and 
         commentary), to clips of the feature-length cut-scene sci-fi 
         re-assemblage "Anachronox" (more of a hit than the Ion Storm 
         game it started off in?). The fact that they're easier to make 
         than conventional animation can mean some of the output 
         slightly overstays its welcome, but UKP15 (inc p&p, no region 
         coding, PAL or NTSC) gets you about 90 mins of introduction to 
         the sort of thing that's currently possible (at least till the 
         full version of "Anachronox" comes out on disc). 
         http://www.machinima.com/displayarticle2.php?article=380
                            - or just download a gig's worth of mpg's
         http://www.redvsblue.com/archives/000141.shtml
         - a medium slightly more suited to the action genre, we feel
         http://www.pressplayontape.com/default.asp?pid=front
                    - ideal Xmas gift for the C64 game soundtrack fan
        http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000163WGW/needtoknow0e
          - and coming soon on DVD: complete series 1 of "Press Gang"


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                contains a source of http://snackspot.org/

         this Newtonmas, why not build someone an ELECTRONIC TUNNELLNG 
         MICROSCOPE http://sxm4.uni-muenster.de/stm-en/ or a UWB radar:
         http://www.uniroma2.it/fismed/faculty/Stadero/papers/osee.pdf
         ... or for those who have everything, tell them how you really feel:
         http://www.iglooworm.netfirms.com/formreallycool.html ... watch 
         an old black and white film: http://ascii.mabot.com/ ... settle 
         down in front of an old comedy repeat, like LIFE imitates ONION:
         http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/12/09/1070732175663.html
         vs http://www.theonion.com/onion3539/national_funk_congress.html
         ... play a half-hearted, aging parlour game like random URL 
         roulette: http://www.deepsea.force9.co.uk/tinyroulette.html ... 
         sing the old songs: http://www.cthulhulives.org/Solstice/ (before 
         ESR appropriates them as a critique of Christian Socialism: 
         http://www.ibiblio.org/esrblog/index.php?m=200312#135 ) ... and 
         stay sad: http://www.buttafly.com/originals/friendster2.php ...
     but happy: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/leon.stringer/space-age-xmas.html
         

                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> Charlie "TVGoHome" Brooker writes, directs - and no doubt 
         chose to narrate - "How To Watch Television" on THE ART SHOW 
         (7.30pm, Fri, C4)... the original FREAKY FRIDAY (2.30pm, Sat, 
         ITV) hails from an era where the destruction of police cars 
         was considered cutting-edge entertainment... Madonna goes all 
         "Will and Grace" in THE NEXT BEST THING (11pm, Sat, BBC1)... 
         and Kate Winslet writes novels, discovers cure for Alzheimer's 
         disease as YOUNG IRIS MURDOCH (9.25pm, Sat, BBC2)... Arnie's 
         role in JINGLE ALL THE WAY (3.30pm, Sun, ITV) seems unlikely 
         to make his list of AFI'S 100 HEROES AND VILLAINS (9pm, Sun, 
         C4)... and C4's list obsession continue with THE 100 GREATEST 
         TV TREATS OF 2003 (9pm, Wed, C4) and THE 100 GREATEST MUSICALS 
         (9pm, Boxing Day, C4)... we still shudder at the VR car chase 
         in the book of Tom Clancy's NETFORCE (9pm, Mon, C5) - not sure 
         if their "NF" logo will be such a hit over here... set your 
         video for a fun double-bill of Sex Pistols hagiography THE 
         FILTH AND THE FURY (12.15am, Mon, C4) and Ethan Hawke's HAMLET 
         2000 (2.20am, Mon, C4)... then Russell Crowe takes a swing at 
         Big Tobacco in the hard-hitting THE INSIDER (11.05pm, Tue, 
         ITV), arguably the highlight of a bunch of movie premieres 
         that includes tired Western-fu SHANGHAI NOON (9.55pm, Wed, 
         BBC1), French animation BELLEVILLE RENDEZ-VOUS (7pm, Christmas 
         Day, BBC2), the frankly irritating AMELIE (9.15pm, Christmas 
         Day, C4), and yet more Owen Wilson in extended Emo Philips 
         sketch MEET THE PARENTS (8.30pm, Boxing Day, BBC1)... the 
         Cook'd and Bomb'd forum reveal what *really* happened to those 
         "leaked" scripts for THE OFFICE (10.15pm, Boxing Day, BBC1) 
         http://chilled.cream.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20038 ... as 
         the season of goodwill staggers to a close with overdesigned 
         1984-adaptation BRAZIL (1.30am, Sat, BBC1) plus affectionate 
         sci-fi-fan satire GALAXY QUEST (6.50pm, Sat, BBC1)... 
         
         FILM>> so the public can't stand annoying CGI character Jar 
         Jar Binks, but can't get enough of the (equally irritating) 
         Gollum - another of the mysteries unresolved in the *3-hour-
         plus* fighting fantasy LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING 
       ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/lotr-returnoftheking.htm :
         talking trees; tale of sorcery; excessive cleavage; frequent 
         and repeated graphic views of many unholy creatures; sparse 
         dress on male character, repeatedly)... Jamie Lee Curtis is 
         funnier than you might expect in bodyswap remake FREAKY FRIDAY 
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/freakyfriday2003.htm : 
         three young boys donning a teen girl's brassieres then one of 
         them rubbing the cups saying "o-o-o, o-o-o"; on Anna's bedroom 
         door she had a sign which read "Parental Advisory: Keep Out of 
         My Room". Professionally prepared, of course. While the 
         bedroom may be Anna's bedroom, it is her mother's house)... 
         but Saturday Night Live's magnificently bonkers Molly Shannon 
         heads the bill in daft dogs-from-space anthromorphism GOOD BOY 
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/goodboy.htm : flatulence; 
         subtle homosexuality suggestions; dogs were intoxicated with 
         laughing gas; The concept of dogs as superior or even equal to 
         man is in direct violation of God's Word that clearly directs 
         that He gave us dominion over the animals [Gen. 1:28]... such 
         a portrayal is contaminating to the youthful development of an 
         understanding His Will, even if we as adults might feel it 
         ridiculous to think so. If you choose to go to see this movie 
         with your kids I ask that you make sure your young ones first 
         understand God's Will regarding dogs)... 
         
         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> in the last two weeks, we've seen 
         things you wouldn't believe over at http://www.snackspot.org/ 
         - drinks made of Aloe Vera, Basil Brush Chicken Boom-Booms, an 
         inexplicably unadvertised Cadbury's "Banoffi" bar. Yet who 
         could have suspected that the boldest offence against nature 
         would have come from one of our own - the pioneer known only 
         as KAPTAIN KOROLEV who, wishing to see a "Mars Christmas" 
         (like a standard Mars but with "marzipan replacing the toffee" 
         and "fruit cake in place of the soft nougat"), took matters 
         into his own hands - with shocking, yet appetising, results: 
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0312100935sbc ... 
         none of the "official" Xmas tie-in sightings are really in the 
         same league (eg, LINDT CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATE, filled with 
         "smooth hazelnut and a hint of cinnamon and coriander", or the 
         pricey - yet pungently fragrant - SENSATIONS NUT CLUSTERS 
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0310122250cas ), 
         though McDonald's have revived their TERRY'S CHOCOLATE ORANGE 
         MCFLURRY, and Starbucks have unveiled a range variously 
         described as "truly indulgent" and "truly luxurious" - their 
         choice euphemism for "no nutritional information provided": 
  http://starbucks.co.uk/en-GB/_Favorite+Beverages/Christmas+Beverages.htm
         ... non-seasonal innovations of the month have included the 
         relaunch of FOX'S POPPETS as "Ballsy Little something or 
         others", ORBIT PROFESSIONAL chewing gum (45p per futuristic 
         pack of 10), and almost an entire week's worth of strawberry-
         themed sightings from STUART CAMPBELL, including the new 
         NESTLE STRAWBERRY MATCHMAKERS WITH "BLACK PEPPER" FLAVOURED 
         PIECES: http://www.snackspot.org/index.php?offset=21 ... but 
         this is also a time to look to the future as well as the past, 
         with advance alerts being issued for HOBNOBS FLAPJACKS, KFC's 
         SMOKEY BLUE TOWER BURGER, FANTA APPLE SPLASH, DIET COKE WITH 
         LIME (US only?), ROBINSON'S SQUASH FOR MILK (a fruity squash 
         you add to milk, obviously), and a still-rumoured UK launch of 
         the allegedly all-too-colourful PEPSI BLUE - as our coverage 
         enthusiastically concludes, "Start checking your stools today!":
         http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0311031130daa#upcoming
                           

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                  "presumably has no idea we always do this"
                   http://www.chuzpe.us/archives/000208.html

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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