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         "The biggest mistake we've ever made, as an industry, is the
         banner ad. It is ineffective and was created by what is best
         described as the Wired Magazine hippie crowd. These folks
         were interested in preserving the user experience..."
                        - JASON MCCABE CALACANIS, Wall Street Journal
                ... a man who clearly didn't read the magazine either

                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                court will ruse

         Viva la recession! In the bad old days of the longish boom,
         digital VCR makers Tivo and Replay were held back from
         including heavy-duty ad-skipping features and file-copying
         utilies by the cautious words of their investors. Investors
         like - the TV networks, oddly, who last century offered big
         bucks to the digital VCR companies at the same time as they'd
         fax over a tasty grabbag of legal threats. Get hint? Get
         funding! Nowadays the content losers don't have the money to
         bail out Replay's new owners Sonic|Blue - and Sonic|Blue no
         longer have the luxury to produce a half-cocked product and
         nuzzle investor teat for succour. For as Napster discovered,
         if you make a product that only your mother and Disney's
         lawyers love, you've got total sales of two - and at least one
         of them hates you already. So it's off to the courts with
         Replay and the TV networks. Courts which, as the DeCSS vs
         DVDCCA decision in Sunnyvale this week showed, aren't
         necessarily as impressed with the media companies' chequebooks
         as the computer industry used to be.
         http://news.cnet.com/investor/news/newsitem/0-9900-1028-7739378-0.html
         - of course, most of the US TV networks backed Tivo
http://www.eff.org/IP/Video/DVDCCA_case/20011101_bunner_appellate_decision.html
                                   - but that's another conspiracy...
         http://www.microsoft.com/presspass/trial/nov01/11-02settlement.asp
                                   - ...and that's another court case

         You're a veteran of the USAF and CIA. You've been appointed as
         "Chief of Homeland Security" for the state of Texas. What's
         the best way to reassure your fellow Americans about their
         domestic safety? Why, take out a patriotic ad in "Texas
         Monthly" magazine, of course: a soldier standing proud in
         front of the Stars and Stripes wearing a Luftwaffe uniform.
         OK, so the pic is actually former German defense attache
         Brigadier General Peter Schmitz, rather than, say, Hermann
         Goering - but it's all grist to the mill for New World Order
         conspiracy theorists, already on a state of high alert over
         that unusual "Homeland" terminology. "Was this a bizarre
         mistake, a Freudian slip or *a rare moment of candor* [our
         emphasis] from the Bush administration?", muses online
         commentator Robert Lederman, whose previous stabs at
         controversy have included depicting New York mayor Rudy
         Giuliani as both Hitler and Satan. "Considering that Bush's
         grandfathers made their fortune on Wall Street managing banks
         and shipping companies the US government seized in 1942 as
         fronts for the Nazis", Lederman continues, "it may have been
         all three".
http://www.dallasnews.com/texas_southwest/STORY.e9c76eb887.b0.af.0.a4.b60dd.html
            - c'mon, someone must have a bigger pic of this somewhere
         http://baltech.org/lederman/bush-homeland-security-10-30-01.html
                         - "The one thing we *didn't* want to happen"

         And this week's challenge to "Guess The Password For An
         Official-Looking Iomart: Net Intelligence(TM) Webmail Account"
         is: marketing@iomart.com . That's marketing@iomart.com - type
         your wildest imaginings into http://webmail.thinkmail.com/ ,
         where the most l33t haxxors will be rewarded with a memo from
         Iomart Human Resources, sternly warning that "whoever receives
         this email" *must* reveal "who is checking this mailbox" by no
         later than 12pm Thursday 30th August. Failure to comply will
         apparently result in the account being deleted just 4 hours
         later, at "4pm on Thursday 30th August 2001". Sometimes those
         HR deadlines just have a way of stretching into days, weeks
         and months, don't they?
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/02/iodoh.txt
              - admittedly, they did fix sales@iomart.com pretty fast
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/10/26/iomart.jpg
           - and why not get your ADSL from us while you're about it?


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         "The more you read about how they are going to send the
         Internet along cables, it is who controls the cable and who
         controls the flow of information" - ROBERT SMITH, out of The
         Cure, prophetically imitates Winston Smith, out of 1984:
    http://www.nme.com/NME/External/News/News_Story/0,1004,47384,00.html
         ... thank heavens - recruitment pages with a sense of humour:
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/02/dohvbc.gif ... sadly, we can't
         afford to pay our Senior Systems Analysts more than this:
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/02/dohannum.gif - we need it for
         Physics Programmers: http://www.ntk.net/2001/11/02/dohhour.gif
         ... BBC cutting back on "abstract tech illustration" budget?:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_1621000/1621875.stm
         - but can still afford glimpse of "Q-Bert: Where Is He Now?":
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_1413000/1413651.stm
         ... slightly enigmatic plot synopsis for assertiveness guide:
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553263900/ ... more
         immediate subtext - "Root Of All Evil" = Enterprise Javabeans:
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0596001932/ ... fix -
         try Jupiter instead: http://bugs.kde.org/db/34/34295.html ...
         kerning komedy: http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~triti/rightfont.jpg
         ... "Informal/Adult" Welsh approach to Design and Typography:
    http://www.mediaed.org.uk/resource/display_record.php?resource_no=15
         ... prefer not to give your credit card information over the
         internet? If so, why not "Fax or e-mail" it instead, advises
         http://www.coolvcd.com/faq.shtml ... unsigned bands? unsigned
         integers, more like: http://www.dot-bands.com/index.php ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Seems like our "Acoustic Cover Versions of Synthesiser Pop
         Hits of the 1980s (introducing Matt Jones as The Unabongoer)"
         have been deemed "too experimental" for the likes of the
         inaugural DORKBOT LONDON (7pm, Wed 2001-11-07, The Boxing
         Club, Limehouse Town Hall, London E14, free). Visitors to the
         UK version of New York's "people doing strange things with
         electricity" night will instead have to be challenged by the
         usual computer-generated music and a talk on "fork bombs".
         Plus, for all you circuit-bending fans out there, details of
         how to abuse the Yamaha PSR-7 - which, as far as we can
         remember, is either one of those cheap MIDI home keyboards, or
         a motorbike. Either way, tunes you're guaranteed to be humming
         all the way home.
         http://music.columbia.edu/cmc/dorkbot/dorkbotlondon/
         - we'd even agreed not to do "Tainted Perl". Just this once.
         http://www.rlff.com/
         - London Film Festival lurches back into life this weekend


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Outliners and "Brainmappers" are the closest programmers get
         to EST cults: desperately we buy into them, believing that
         one day we'll find the ultimate graphing planner that will
         automagically organise our lives, and turn us into gleaming
         Edward De Bonos of creativity. So, for level eight of your
         third todo-list tree node, here's a cheaper, more
         self-limiting option. PROGECT is a bog-standard Palm
         outliner you can get the hang of after three minutes and
         uncomplicated enough to stop you wasting hours fiddling the
         settings to "optimise" your "goal management scenarios".
         It's a GPLed student, uh, project, by English language
         grappler burgbach. Apart from the usual i8n idiosyncracies,
         it suffers from some consistent crashes that are easily
         worked around, a few screen-refreshing issues, and other
         indications of human frailty. But that hasn't stopped a
         large community moving away from shareware Palm
         brainsluicers, adopting Progect as their one true outliner,
         contributing code and generally bucking up its shortcomings.
         Search widely enough, and you'll find a java desktop app
         called jprogect in the pipeline, and a Perl syncing library
         to export your little trees of duty. It's changed our lives!
         Like all the other ones did for a week!
         http://progect.sf.net/
             - now send us your favourite and we can have a big fight
         http://ftrain.com/cleaning_the_room.html
                              - this is you tidying your room this is


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                          warm bit behind gagpipe.com

         this week's amusing FLASH games that crash in some browsers:
         http://www.vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/flamjam.html ,
         http://www.evolver.co.uk/wayofthestick.html ... MORRIS at war:
         http://downloads.warprecords.com/morris/bushwhacked.mp3 ...
         "Brass Eye" science - Mouse 'Rave Concert' Experiment Branded
         'Sick': http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_439005.html ...
         Point-Counterpoint - feminist comment on role of Afghan women:
         http://128.241.192.9/forums/attachment.php?s=&postid=368297 vs
         JIM "Answer Me!" GOAD: http://www.jimgoad.com/musgirls.html
         ... "Firearms may be carried at the captain's discretion",
         reassures http://www.ryanair.com/FQ.html#firearms ... this
         week's online looky-likeys: DARIUS from "Popstars" slams MS
         censorship policy: http://www.securityfocus.com/news/270 ...
         pesky Taliban mistake kind but firm PE teacher Abdul Haq:
         http://uk.fc.yahoo.com/011029/80/cdapk.html for Afghan warlord
         "Bullet" Baxter: http://tv.cream.org/baxter.jpg ... only
         downside of http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2001/10/30/14612/236
         is someone has to http://www.fridgemagnet.org.uk/kitchen.html
         afterwards ... proof you don't have to be hi-res to be sexy:
       http://www.a-blast.org/~drx/lo-tech/teletext/ ...phone the stars:
       http://www.oftel.gov.uk/publications/1999/numbering/drama599.htm
       ... hot property: http://members.ebay.co.uk/aboutme/indiafoxtrot/


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> Adam "What The Victorians Did For Us" Hart-Davis bicycles
         back with "How"-style explanation show SCIENCE SHACK (7.30pm,
         Fri, BBC2)... the floppy-haired fop recycles the Letterman
         desk-show format - again - in FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS
         (10.35pm, Fri, BBC1)... and sci-fi comedy PERCY'S PROGRESS
         (1am, Fri, BBC1) follows a showing of the dick-transplant
         original earlier this year... Steve "tv.cream" Berry
         confidently predicts he'll be among the TOP TEN TV HEARTTHROBS
         (10pm, Sat, C4)... music fans have a choice of Phill Jupitus
         presenting THE Q AWARDS (10.15pm, Sat, C5) or ALI G hosting
         the MTV EUROPE MUSIC AWARDS (9pm, Thu, MTV)... and it's free
         Film Four all weekend for digital or cable viewers, though the
         only good things on are cult Japanese killer-video horror
         RINGU (11.50pm, Sat), competent David Lynch ride-on lawnmower
         odyssey THE STRAIGHT STORY (8pm, Sun) and, er, daft Mira
         Sorvino monster romp MIMIC (2am, Sat)... the trend of
         following up feature films with related documentaries on a
         totally different channel continues with WITNESS (11.10pm,
         Sat, BBC1) and WITNESS: THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND (9pm, Sun, C4),
         plus THE VIKINGS (7.50pm, Sat, C4), followed by scary Aryan
         DNA-history BLOOD OF THE VIKINGS (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... SCREAM 2
         (10pm, Sun, C4) is kind of dull, but (briefly) has Sarah
         Michelle Gellar in it... there are (slightly) more laughs in
         Matthew Broderick stalker romance ADDICTED TO LOVE (9pm, Mon,
         C5) than THE X FILES: THE MOVIE (9pm, Mon, ITV)... while THE
         LIMEY (10.35pm, Mon, C4) famously features flashbacks from one
         of Terence Stamp's earlier films, though we still think it'd
         have been better if they'd used "Superman II"... Tuesday is
         fast-food-themed-fish-out-of-water night, with a chip shop
         proprietor becoming a top chef in FAKING IT (9pm, Tue, C4) and
         the head of Burger King UK going BACK TO THE FLOOR (10pm, Tue,
         BBC2)... Adam and Joe present cartoon clip strand HOT REELS:
         ANIMATION GRAND PRIX (12.10am, Tue, C4)... and it's maximum
         Rutger Hauer week on C5 - again - with ornithologist actioner
         A BREED APART (9pm, Wed, C5), the annual showing of Sov-bloc
         cyberthriller REDLINE (9.20pm, Fri, C5), plus Thu's now-
         traditional UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 3: UNFINISHED BUSINESS (9pm,
         Thu, C5) - which, admittedly, doesn't have Hauer in it per se,
         presumably due to an administrative oversight or something...

         FILM>> it's no "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" (NTK Film Of The
         Year 2000), but there's some top-notch barnyard impressions
         and typically off-beat digressions from SNL's Norm Macdonald
         et al in Rob Schneider xenotransplant slapstick THE ANIMAL
         (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/the_animal.html : acting
         like a drug-sniffing dog, [Schneider] blatantly smells a man's
         clothed rear end; the male host says to check out the "pecs"
         on one of the women, saying, "That's pure Badger Milk" while
         lifting up her covered breast with a pointing stick)...
         biological functions are - literally - the basis of Bill
         Murray/ Bill Shatner/ Farrelly brothers part-animated light-
         hearted look at the progress of an Anthrax infection, OSMOSIS
         JONES (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/osmosisjones.htm :
         slicing murders; talk of getting drunk; strip bar imagery;
         portrayal of daughter being superior to father; an out-of-
         control squad car crash lands in a rectum; tattoos)... or it's
         Nicole "BMX Bandits" Kidman, Eric "Sykes" Sykes and Keith "Fat
         Les" Allen - together at last! - in old-fashioned spooky-wooky
         photosensitive chiller THE OTHERS (imdb: 1940s / ghost /
         haunted-house / twist-in-the-end / afterlife / death / murder
         / suicide / superstition / tuberculosis)...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY (FEATURING "LIQUID NEWS")>> while the UK
         struggles on without even a dash of PEPSI LEMON TWIST, up-and-
         coming novelist JENNY COLGAN excitedly reports sampling COKE
         LEMON in New York, likening it to "normal Coke to which
         someone has added three squirts of lemon fairy and ten spoons
         of sugar". NESTLE's self-heating HOT WHEN YOU WANT canned
         coffee (UKP1.19) is another promising idea let down by harsh
         reality: "The verdict is guilty - of being a complete ripoff",
         fumed DAVE HEMMING, feeling it overpriced for "2/3rds of a can
         of lukewarm rather cheap coffee", while LLOYD WOOD pondered if
         "the [exothermic] red liquid tastes better than the coffee
         it's heating". Lloyd found his in the Uxbridge Sainsbury's,
         following an incident [reported in THE GROCER, 2001-10-20] in
         which Nestle "lost control" of the original Midlands-only
         trials, enabling 11 "control stores" to order the semi-hotly
         anticipated product nationwide... other disappointments have
         continued to include MARS HARRY POTTER BERTIE BOTTS EVERY
         FLAVOUR BEANS (39p/box - "Beware of the strange flavours!"),
         BAHLSEN CIELO luxury biscuits (UKP1.79 for box of about 20),
         and QUALITY STREET'S THE BIG PURPLE ONE, which KEVIN CECIL
         actually quite enjoyed ("nearly the size of a golf ball"),
         despite paying more than the 35p RRP at the Paddington branch
         of WH Smiths. On a more positive note, "Just as I'd become
         resigned to only enjoying German-speaking confectionery
         (Bahlsen, Lindt, Milka bars)", LEWIS GRAHAM revealed that
         TUNNOCK'S DARK CHOCOLATE TEA CAKES - with their "perfect shell
         of reasonably bitter chocolate, crisp base and delightfully
         frothy middle" - have, at last, "brought [him] home"... once
         again, there's been more action with the spicy savouries, with
         a big thumbs-up from us to the wizard's-hat-shaped GOLDEN
         WONDER BUGLES CRISPY CORN SNACKS (27p) - especially the BBQ
         and Salt & Vinegar versions - and some sort of elaborate
         Amazon gift-voucher scheme on both 50g and 200g tubes of
         PRINGLES, including the more traditional new "Curry" flavour.
         Though we still await your sightings of JACOB'S CRACKERS THAI
         BITES (from 39p), MCCAIN'S MICRO CHICKEN WINGS (UKP1.29 for 4
         to 5 wings) and, back with sweets, NESTLE's "FROST BITES"
         variants of FROST PASTILLES, SMARCTIC SMARTIES and MILKYBRRR
         BUTTONS, plus COLGATE's ADVANCED ACTION DENTAL GUM (from 49p)
         - though it's a shame they've gone for "Sparkling Mint",
         "Menthol" and "Peppermint" as flavours, rather than their
         familiar toothpaste brands like "Total Fresh Stripe" and
         "Tartar Control"...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                  "Sometimes innocent, largely inappropriate"
          http://www.wwjs.net/search/safe.cgi?url=http://www.ntk.net

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