Need To Know 2001-09-07

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"Largely unmoderated, often unruly and certainly unprofitable, a financially unviable Usenet was recently acquired by the Google search engine." - GERRY MCGOVERN, "thought leader" and Web consultant http://www.gerrymcgovern.com/nt/2001/nt_2001_09_03_online_communities.htm ... Google, of course, bought the World Wide Web in 1998 >> HARD NEWS << loose some screws Many have tried to define the "je ne sais quoi" which THE REGISTER brings to IT journalism, but their Washington correspondent, Thomas C Greene, hit the nail on the head this week in his combined mission statement and scathing riposte to world-renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. It is "irrational insight", Thomas explains, which will always give humans the edge over so-called "thinking machines" - leading one cynical reader to comment "Lucky we've got The Register staff on the front line then". Maybe it's our fuddy-duddy Enlightenment ways, but Thomas' subsequent explanation of why superintelligent computers could never take over the world does seem to require some "mysterious and unreliable gifts" to fully comprehend it, dragging out the old anti-strong-AI argument that DNA evolution (or quantum consciousness, or whatever) is somehow non-deterministic, and that a mere computing device could never achieve "religious awareness, dance, language, visual arts and literature" - which, of course, were so instrumental to the rise of the robots in "The Terminator" films. Greene did slip in a surprise treat for anyone making it to the end of his second piece, however, concluding that if Hawking "actually believes" that humans should be genetically engineered to see off the AI menace, "then the little shit deserves to be hanged". http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/21414.html - Physics killed my ancestors. Now I'm out to even the score. http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/21488.html - clearly no machine could make these literary leaps http://www.elsewhere.org/cgi-bin/postmodern/ - though, on the other hand... Side-effect of being the last-century-but-one's top imperialist: no matter how confused and corrupt your own institutions become, the suckers upon which you dumped half-arsed variants always get it worse. AUSTRALIA's many and varied libel laws, for instance, are generally taken to be as bad, if not worse, than Britain's. And now everyone gets to share in their mediocrity: the Supreme Court of Victoria decided last week that a Website published in New Jersey, USA, can be sued for libel in Victoria, Australia if someone even blinks at their Website while down under. In the short term, this means that Joe Gutnick, current plaintiff, gold-miner and noted Aussie rule football fan, gets to sue US company Dow Jones in an environment much more friendly to suers than suees. And in the long term Australia will join Britain as the cyberlibel haven of repetitive litigants, and you'll all be dragged down to our level of muted politeness. http://it.mycareer.com.au/breaking/2001/08/29/FFXZIU40YQC.html?NDailyH - we get the impression that he is the Alan Sugar of down under http://www.cjr.org/year/91/6/australia.asp - bad laws spread fast http://web.lemuria.org/DeCSS/hague.html - it's a shortcut to the Hague Convention We know someone at BBC News Online reads NTK, because they go off and fix all the typos we point out every Friday afternoon^Wnight^Wmidnight. So, good to see them entering into the spirit of our contest for "Worst BBC Graphic Depicting Hacking (Or Other Scientific Subject)" with this startling creation from their coverage of the Glasgow Science Festival, interpreted by reader Paul Manzotti as "A giant head attempted to take over the world from space, but was stopped by the playing of Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side Of The Moon'. And robots will tell this story by inscribing DNA molecules onto aluminium foil". Come on BBC, we *know* you can do better... http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1515000/images/_1519096_basf2001_1_300.jpg - twice at: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/07/dohpix.gif >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious GUARDIAN DIARY (para at bottom of page) imitates THE ONION: http://www.guardian.co.uk/diary/story/0,3604,546519,00.html , http://www.theonion.com/onion3730/helvetica_sweeps_fontys.html ... French MINI site animation makes ill-timed use of "BA- BOOOM": http://www.mini.com/FR/intro.html ... huge deal causes run on pound: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/07/dohmerge.gif ... no, we're merely "leveraging a portion of our palette": http://www.compaq.com/products/servers/ProLiantdl380/questionanswer.html#37 ... enigmatic http://www.twentythree.co.uk/ project furthers shadowy aims by sending entire mailing list KAKworm virus... BRASS EYE Word doc authored by "Oregen Computer Training": http://www.itc.org.uk/news/news_releases/show_release.asp?article_id=511 ... broadband area check box at http://info.blueyonder.co.uk/ slightly *too* helpful if you only enter partial postcodes (or "?")... "thanks for your patients" says rather too-DIY signage site: http://www.signx.co.uk/ ... farewell FALCO from LOADED online: http://www.popex.com/chums/bollocks/homepage/ ... redirect form lets you drive http://www.londontransport.com/ anywhere you like... please stop sending us "SOUNDS OF PASSION" (and broken tickers off THE SUN) - now *this* is weird: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0751379204/ - ditto the "EMC Directive Post-radial Keratotomy" Description of: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0750649305/ ... hey, these things become more important once you're dead: http://mercury.beseen.com/quizlet/g/20950/Results.html ... "up the Crumlin Road"? is that, like, an expression?: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010907/4/c38qn.html (last line)... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful INTERNATIONAL DAY OF ACTION AGAINST VIDEO SURVEILLANCE today (various venues, Fri 2001-09-07), your chance to protest against the increasingly unopposed proliferation of CCTV *and* insidious use of reality TV shows as pro-surveillance propaganda. Frankly the whole "putting on a play in front of the cameras" thing sounds a bit arty to us, but we figure that just waving or otherwise reacting to your neighbourhood telescreen could help make the point, and might even distract a jaded operator from an actual crime taking place on a different monitor. The activism continues on Mon with the second TECH 2 (from 2001-09-10, various venues, Leeds) - a more technically competent version of the "Tech Nicks" conference which kept us so amused last summer, and the apparently media-ignored protests against DSEi, the DEFENCE SYSTEMS AND EQUIPMENT INTERNATIONAL exhibition at London Docklands (Tue 2001-09-11) - who, let's hope, won't be spoiling for a chance to try out their new non-lethal "civilian pacification" technologies. All of which is kind of academic, of course, because 02:46am Sunday 2001-09-09 UK local time marks the passing of Unix's one billionth epoch second - and probable apocalypse, now everyone thinks the media and IT industry were just crying wolf about Y2K last time. The EFF, bless 'em, are holding a copyright-free concert in San Francisco just beforehand, so your last conscious act on this earth need not be one of despicable commodification of cultural property that really belongs in the public domain. http://www.eff.org/alerts/20010831_surveil_cam_alert.html - or bring laser pointers to http://www.london2600.org.uk/ ? http://www.disarm-trade.org/ - "Aux armes, citoyens!" (not literally of course) http://tech2.southspace.org/ - military-industrial tech into ploughshares, or something http://www.electromagnetic.net/press-releases/unixonebln.php - too late for that "party like it's (time_t) 1E9" t-shirt http://www.eff.org/events/share-in/ - bands include "Wavy Gravy", "Shady Lady", "Hot Buttered Rum" >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering How does NTK eliminate all rational bias and yet stay honest to our readers' everyday lives? By the expedient, mon brave, of *never having any friends*. On the other hand, we do have a long list of people we have unjustly wronged, and it is to these we must make futile pandering gestures from time to time. Heading that list was always MOOSE INDUSTRIES 2000, whose excellent Tellytubbies site we once wiped off the face of the Earth, and whose FUCK LINUX t-shirts we inconceivably declined to retail. The site remains mirrored, the T-shirts stay on Cafe Press; but still the slate is not clean. Small Rocket's STAR MONKEY is a shareware 2D shoot 'em up for Windows, like old skool Bitmap Brothers if they'd had access to 3D accelerators instead of Amigas. It is good - even if the demo is a bit short to tell whether it's worth $15 or not. Moose coded it. http://www.smallrockets.com/pc/starmonkey/ - hey, look, Linux games too! We're all friends now! >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista the perhaps-inevitable Korean ass-poking shit-dodging game: http://user.chollian.net/~psy1865/flash/chimgam%5B1%5D.swf ... new model "Bishop" droid comes with a range of relaxing (and useful) hobbies: http://www.bylancehenriksen.com/ ... hot on the heels, so to speak, of the HOLLYOAKS foot fetishists: http://www.geocities.com/johnkipling36/gail/ ... clearly the American term for what Sara Cox calls "the upside-down McDonald's sign": http://www.cameltoe.org/ ...dumb JAVASCRIPT tricks: http://www.rain-street.org/fightcrime.htm ... the 'bit is BACK: http://www.yomgaille.com/bordel/un_lapin.html ... *copyright-violating* techno Christians with a sense of humour: http://www.ship-of-fools.com/Features/NedNight/ ... HEZBOLLAH fanatics have better taste in TV than you thought: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1527000/1527266.stm ... "Top 20 Films Of The 20th Century" pretty illuminating too: http://www.sweetfancymoses.com/goldstein_amazon.htm ... c'mon, you could at least change the "Shipping address" field: https://id87.securedata.net/internet-escorts/ukmid/esorder.html - still, at least "Company Name" is "optional" (phew, eh?) ...better chance than that "clock of the long now" bollocks: http://www.nandotimes.com/entertainment/story/73556p-1038416c.html ... for those annoying offices that don't let you bring your C5 indoors: http://www.ideo.com/studies/steelcaseq.htm ...mmm, it's the great taste of BEES: http://www.vaam-power.com/ ... >> GEEK MEDIA << the less rude www.tvgohome.com TV>> that Saturday morning kids' format may be dead, but Trey Farley is still "Live and Kicking" - with Gail Porter! - in inevitably disappointing human "Robot Wars"/"Extreme Fighting" hybrid MASTERS OF COMBAT (6.45pm, Fri, BBC2)... Tom Baker dies in DR WHO OMNIBUS: LOGOPOLIS (9.05am, Sat, UK Gold)... and not much "Blue Lagoon"-style action from the sound of things for castaway Melissa "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" Joan Hart in TWO CAME BACK (6.05pm, Sat, C5)... hypertextual author Geoff "253" Ryman is the subject of SCRIBBLING (6.10pm, Sat, BBC2)... the insanely irritating Lowri Turner seems an odd choice to host dating-makeover WOULD LIKE TO MEET (7pm, Sat; 8pm, Wed, BBC2) - the ideal partner for inspirationless reality gameshow PERFECT MATCH (9pm, Tue, C4), and followed on Wed by "But your dad's Albert Einstein!" Meg Ryan romantic comedy IQ (9pm, Wed, BBC2)... some reasonable movies on Sat for a change, with humourless remake LOST IN SPACE (8.20pm, Sat, BBC1); Spielberg before he lost it in DUEL (8pm, Sat, BBC2); all-too-accurate Cronenberg videogame cut-scenes yawn EXISTENZ (10.30pm, Sat, BBC2); plus Ridley Scott administering a largely unjustified man-beating to Demi Moore in GI JANE (9.30pm, Sat, ITV) - though, then again, maybe he'd just rented "Striptease"... Channel4 imitates a C5 evening line-up with WW2 sub-aqua "Time Team" HUNT FOR THE HOOD (7pm, Sat, C4), Nazi mountaineering reconstruction CLIMBING FOR THE FATHERLAND (8.05pm), Mr T's TOP TEN TV: HARD MEN (9.05pm), and the brutal Mark Kermode flaunting what he perceives to be his softer side in SHAWSHANK: THE REDEEMING FEATURE (11.45pm) - though frankly there are more laughs in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (9.50pm, Sun, BBC2), arguably Quentin Tarantino's least annoying film... relax girls, Alan Davies is gay - *or is he?* - in inverse "Chasing Amy" hetero conversion caper BOB AND ROSE (9pm, Mon, ITV)... there's a rag-bag of Avalon Management acts in THE SKETCH SHOW (10.30pm, Mon, ITV), as previously rejected by the BBC: http://uk.tv.yahoo.com/010712/128/by012.html - who, in 'ORRIBLE (9.30pm, Mon, BBC2), appear to have spent UKP5m on a sitcom version of Johnny Vaughan's popular cider ads... while, to compound the insult of ITV2 moving DAVID LETTERMAN to midnight, BBC2 counterprogramme the increasingly misanthropic final series of SEINFELD (12.05am, Mon & Wed & Thu, BBC2)... FILM>> an irritatingly limited release for the unmissable "Blair Witch Project" of dotcom documentaries STARTUP.COM (imdb: business-deal / business-failure / business-manager / businessmen / business / entrepreneur / internet / burglary / capitalism / childhood-friend / coming-of-age / greed / industrial-espionage / venture-capital) - visit the official tie-in site at: http://www.govworks.com/ ! ... Kidman cute, McGregor sings in visually arresting Harry-Hill-style pop- lyrics-quoting overwrought ubercamp steampunk musical MOULIN ROUGE (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/moulinrouge.htm : homosexual dance; display of adult underwear in dance; self touching to entice; painting and statue nudity; faces at posterior or crotch of opposite gender; partial nudity with masked intercourse)... both better bets than post-Buffy vampire road romp THE FORSAKEN (http://www.cndb.com/ : [Izabella "Coyote Ugly" Miko's] pert little breasts are in full view for several wonderful moments [...] This could be a star making scene for her)... or not-as-good-as-the-original turning-into-modern-day-"Carry On"-franchise SCARY MOVIE 2 (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/scary_movie_2.html : we briefly see [Anna Faris], [Regina Hall] and [Kathleen Robertson] in just their bras and panties; there's also the exaggerated sight of a long human penis coming from under a bed and wrapping around a clown's neck; after Cindy tells Buddy that they should talk about personal stuff, he mentions the time some "chick" was "licking my nuts")... CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> NESTLE are spending UKP2.5m to promote the mildly underwhelming AERO HONEYCOMB (32p), but you simply don't care - our mailbag has been metaphorically crackling with reactions to SNICKERS CRUNCHER (from 25p), perhaps best described by MATT MULLEN as "packed with whatever Mars might be overstocked with - 'Crisped Rice, Crunchy Peanuts, Caramel & Milk Chocolate' - crammed in such a way as to remind me of the old cellophane-wrapped 'Nutty' bar. Not recommended straight from the fridge for anybody with human jaws, OK if you are some sort of jackal or wild dog of similar capacity". "Like eating a Toffee Crisp that's had nuts bunged in it", agreed DANIEL THORNTON, while MATT LOCKE eulogised: "the light airy rice of a Toffee Crisp, the crunchy peanuts of the Snicker, but no gooey caramel that sticks in your teeth and makes you feel guilty about not flossing. Lovely". Dissent was limited to old-fashioned TOM "Wasn't nougat the whole point of Marathons?" BLAKESON and PAUL MISON, who noted "it's only 40g, or two Mars Quarks, compared to 65g for a Mars Bar these days" - in fact retailers have been told to position it away from its full-fat Snickers sibling, to make it "more appealing to women"... a more muted response to MARS' LIMITED EDITION MINT TWIX (27p) - "the same sort of mintiness as a Viscount bar, with the added benefit of toffee. The chocolate-flavoured biscuit was a pleasant surprise" (ADAM JEFFERSON); "a wonderful combination of After Eight mints, with a Twix, with all the creamy sweetness of cheap English chocolate" (OWEN BLACKER) - and those "HARRY POTTER" BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR BEANS [as seen in NTK 2001-08-10], spotted by ADAM GOLDING while on holiday in the US, and described by him as "bad - particularly horseradish flavour which is vile. The sardine flavour is also not unlike lung scrapings", adding that there are 5 other novelty yucky flavours "too disgusting to describe". HARIBO are believed to be launching an unbranded "me too" bag of MAGIC MIX (99p), while DANIEL THORNTON (again) deadpanned that "MONSTER MUNCH now turn your mouth blue apparently. God knows why it's a selling point though"... ALEX TEA - if only his parents had named him "Rich" - confirmed the "All Your Base" inspiration of the OINGY BOINGY ads, which were "creative directed" by his "girlfriend's dad"; ADRIAN MOULDER praised the "increased structural integrity" of the MCDONALDS MCCHICKEN WRAP ("Tasty chicken, chargrilled peppers & onions, lime salsa, tortilla, cool sour cream & chive sauce"), compared to "the self-destructing BURGER KING ones"; but CRAIG STEPHENS filed the biggest report of the month, detailing the recent range of Formula 1-themed one-week-only sandwiches inflicted by "Mucky D's" on Germany, including the MCFRANCE ("a rather insipid cordon-bleu type affair permeated by a garlic sauce with a fetid aftertaste"), the MCMALAYSIA ("a chapati containing salad and some actually rather pleasant 'oriental' sauce"), and the MCBRITAIN ("an odd rehash of the singularly unpopular curry Chicken McFu"). And you don't want to know about the MCGERMANY ("exactly the same as the McFarmer, only with mustard") and the vegetarian MCEUROPE - we should all be grateful that http://www.mcstories.com/ remains (relatively) unsullied so far... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "no, you *don't* need Quickti- oh, never mind" http://www.business2.com/articles/web/0,1653,17030,00.html NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/ (K) 2001 Special Projects. 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