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         "Largely unmoderated, often unruly and certainly
         unprofitable, a financially unviable Usenet was recently
         acquired by the Google search engine."
         - GERRY MCGOVERN, "thought leader" and Web consultant
 http://www.gerrymcgovern.com/nt/2001/nt_2001_09_03_online_communities.htm
                ... Google, of course, bought the World Wide Web in 1998


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                loose some screws

         Many have tried to define the "je ne sais quoi" which THE
         REGISTER brings to IT journalism, but their Washington
         correspondent, Thomas C Greene, hit the nail on the head this
         week in his combined mission statement and scathing riposte to
         world-renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. It is
         "irrational insight", Thomas explains, which will always give
         humans the edge over so-called "thinking machines" - leading
         one cynical reader to comment "Lucky we've got The Register
         staff on the front line then". Maybe it's our fuddy-duddy
         Enlightenment ways, but Thomas' subsequent explanation of why
         superintelligent computers could never take over the world
         does seem to require some "mysterious and unreliable gifts" to
         fully comprehend it, dragging out the old anti-strong-AI
         argument that DNA evolution (or quantum consciousness, or
         whatever) is somehow non-deterministic, and that a mere
         computing device could never achieve "religious awareness,
         dance, language, visual arts and literature" - which, of
         course, were so instrumental to the rise of the robots in "The
         Terminator" films. Greene did slip in a surprise treat for
         anyone making it to the end of his second piece, however,
         concluding that if Hawking "actually believes" that humans
         should be genetically engineered to see off the AI menace,
         "then the little shit deserves to be hanged".
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/21414.html
        - Physics killed my ancestors. Now I'm out to even the score.
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/21488.html
                 - clearly no machine could make these literary leaps
         http://www.elsewhere.org/cgi-bin/postmodern/
                                       - though, on the other hand...

         Side-effect of being the last-century-but-one's top
         imperialist: no matter how confused and corrupt your own
         institutions become, the suckers upon which you dumped
         half-arsed variants always get it worse. AUSTRALIA's many
         and varied libel laws, for instance, are generally taken to
         be as bad, if not worse, than Britain's. And now everyone
         gets to share in their mediocrity: the Supreme Court of
         Victoria decided last week that a Website published in New
         Jersey, USA, can be sued for libel in Victoria, Australia if
         someone even blinks at their Website while down under. In
         the short term, this means that Joe Gutnick, current
         plaintiff, gold-miner and noted Aussie rule football fan,
         gets to sue US company Dow Jones in an environment much more
         friendly to suers than suees. And in the long term Australia
         will join Britain as the cyberlibel haven of repetitive
         litigants, and you'll all be dragged down to our level of
         muted politeness.
         http://it.mycareer.com.au/breaking/2001/08/29/FFXZIU40YQC.html?NDailyH
         - we get the impression that he is the Alan Sugar of down under
         http://www.cjr.org/year/91/6/australia.asp
                                               - bad laws spread fast
         http://web.lemuria.org/DeCSS/hague.html
                            - it's a shortcut to the Hague Convention

         We know someone at BBC News Online reads NTK, because they
         go off and fix all the typos we point out every Friday
         afternoon^Wnight^Wmidnight. So, good to see them entering
         into the spirit of our contest for "Worst BBC Graphic
         Depicting Hacking (Or Other Scientific Subject)" with this
         startling creation from their coverage of the Glasgow
         Science Festival, interpreted by reader Paul Manzotti as "A
         giant head attempted to take over the world from space, but
         was stopped by the playing of Pink Floyd's 'The Dark Side Of
         The Moon'. And robots will tell this story by inscribing DNA
         molecules onto aluminium foil". Come on BBC, we *know* you
         can do better...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1515000/images/_1519096_basf2001_1_300.jpg
                 - twice at: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/07/dohpix.gif


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         GUARDIAN DIARY (para at bottom of page) imitates THE ONION:
         http://www.guardian.co.uk/diary/story/0,3604,546519,00.html ,
       http://www.theonion.com/onion3730/helvetica_sweeps_fontys.html
         ... French MINI site animation makes ill-timed use of "BA-
         BOOOM": http://www.mini.com/FR/intro.html ... huge deal causes
         run on pound: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/07/dohmerge.gif ...
         no, we're merely "leveraging a portion of our palette":
http://www.compaq.com/products/servers/ProLiantdl380/questionanswer.html#37
         ... enigmatic http://www.twentythree.co.uk/ project furthers
         shadowy aims by sending entire mailing list KAKworm virus...
         BRASS EYE Word doc authored by "Oregen Computer Training":
   http://www.itc.org.uk/news/news_releases/show_release.asp?article_id=511
         ... broadband area check box at http://info.blueyonder.co.uk/
         slightly *too* helpful if you only enter partial postcodes (or
         "?")... "thanks for your patients" says rather too-DIY signage
         site: http://www.signx.co.uk/ ... farewell FALCO from LOADED
         online: http://www.popex.com/chums/bollocks/homepage/ ...
         redirect form lets you drive http://www.londontransport.com/
         anywhere you like... please stop sending us "SOUNDS OF
         PASSION" (and broken tickers off THE SUN) - now *this* is
         weird: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0751379204/ -
         ditto the "EMC Directive Post-radial Keratotomy" Description
         of: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0750649305/ ...
         hey, these things become more important once you're dead:
         http://mercury.beseen.com/quizlet/g/20950/Results.html ...
         "up the Crumlin Road"? is that, like, an expression?:
         http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010907/4/c38qn.html (last line)...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         INTERNATIONAL DAY OF ACTION AGAINST VIDEO SURVEILLANCE today
         (various venues, Fri 2001-09-07), your chance to protest
         against the increasingly unopposed proliferation of CCTV *and*
         insidious use of reality TV shows as pro-surveillance
         propaganda. Frankly the whole "putting on a play in front of
         the cameras" thing sounds a bit arty to us, but we figure that
         just waving or otherwise reacting to your neighbourhood
         telescreen could help make the point, and might even distract
         a jaded operator from an actual crime taking place on a
         different monitor. The activism continues on Mon with the
         second TECH 2 (from 2001-09-10, various venues, Leeds) - a
         more technically competent version of the "Tech Nicks"
         conference which kept us so amused last summer, and the
         apparently media-ignored protests against DSEi, the DEFENCE
         SYSTEMS AND EQUIPMENT INTERNATIONAL exhibition at London
         Docklands (Tue 2001-09-11) - who, let's hope, won't be
         spoiling for a chance to try out their new non-lethal
         "civilian pacification" technologies. All of which is kind of
         academic, of course, because 02:46am Sunday 2001-09-09 UK
         local time marks the passing of Unix's one billionth epoch
         second - and probable apocalypse, now everyone thinks the
         media and IT industry were just crying wolf about Y2K last
         time. The EFF, bless 'em, are holding a copyright-free concert
         in San Francisco just beforehand, so your last conscious act
         on this earth need not be one of despicable commodification of
         cultural property that really belongs in the public domain.
         http://www.eff.org/alerts/20010831_surveil_cam_alert.html
         - or bring laser pointers to http://www.london2600.org.uk/ ?
         http://www.disarm-trade.org/
         - "Aux armes, citoyens!" (not literally of course)
         http://tech2.southspace.org/
         - military-industrial tech into ploughshares, or something
         http://www.electromagnetic.net/press-releases/unixonebln.php
         - too late for that "party like it's (time_t) 1E9" t-shirt
         http://www.eff.org/events/share-in/
         - bands include "Wavy Gravy", "Shady Lady", "Hot Buttered Rum"


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         How does NTK eliminate all rational bias and yet stay honest
         to our readers' everyday lives? By the expedient, mon brave,
         of *never having any friends*. On the other hand, we do have
         a long list of people we have unjustly wronged, and it is to
         these we must make futile pandering gestures from time to
         time. Heading that list was always MOOSE INDUSTRIES 2000,
         whose excellent Tellytubbies site we once wiped off the face
         of the Earth, and whose FUCK LINUX t-shirts we inconceivably
         declined to retail. The site remains mirrored, the T-shirts
         stay on Cafe Press; but still the slate is not clean. Small
         Rocket's STAR MONKEY is a shareware 2D shoot 'em up for
         Windows, like old skool Bitmap Brothers if they'd had access
         to 3D accelerators instead of Amigas. It is good - even if
         the demo is a bit short to tell whether it's worth $15 or
         not. Moose coded it. 
         http://www.smallrockets.com/pc/starmonkey/
                 - hey, look, Linux games too! We're all friends now!


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         the perhaps-inevitable Korean ass-poking shit-dodging game:
         http://user.chollian.net/~psy1865/flash/chimgam%5B1%5D.swf ...
         new model "Bishop" droid comes with a range of relaxing (and
         useful) hobbies: http://www.bylancehenriksen.com/ ... hot on
         the heels, so to speak, of the HOLLYOAKS foot fetishists:
         http://www.geocities.com/johnkipling36/gail/ ... clearly
         the American term for what Sara Cox calls "the upside-down
         McDonald's sign": http://www.cameltoe.org/ ...dumb JAVASCRIPT
         tricks: http://www.rain-street.org/fightcrime.htm ... the 
         'bit is BACK: http://www.yomgaille.com/bordel/un_lapin.html 
         ... *copyright-violating* techno Christians with a sense of
         humour: http://www.ship-of-fools.com/Features/NedNight/ ...
         HEZBOLLAH fanatics have better taste in TV than you thought:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1527000/1527266.stm
         ... "Top 20 Films Of The 20th Century" pretty illuminating
         too: http://www.sweetfancymoses.com/goldstein_amazon.htm ...
         c'mon, you could at least change the "Shipping address" field:
        https://id87.securedata.net/internet-escorts/ukmid/esorder.html
         - still, at least "Company Name" is "optional" (phew, eh?)
         ...better chance than that "clock of the long now" bollocks:
     http://www.nandotimes.com/entertainment/story/73556p-1038416c.html
         ... for those annoying offices that don't let you bring your
         C5 indoors: http://www.ideo.com/studies/steelcaseq.htm ...mmm, 
         it's the great taste of BEES: http://www.vaam-power.com/ ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                        the less rude www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> that Saturday morning kids' format may be dead, but Trey
         Farley is still "Live and Kicking" - with Gail Porter! - in
         inevitably disappointing human "Robot Wars"/"Extreme Fighting"
         hybrid MASTERS OF COMBAT (6.45pm, Fri, BBC2)... Tom Baker dies
         in DR WHO OMNIBUS: LOGOPOLIS (9.05am, Sat, UK Gold)... and not
         much "Blue Lagoon"-style action from the sound of things for
         castaway Melissa "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" Joan Hart in TWO
         CAME BACK (6.05pm, Sat, C5)... hypertextual author Geoff "253"
         Ryman is the subject of SCRIBBLING (6.10pm, Sat, BBC2)... the
         insanely irritating Lowri Turner seems an odd choice to host
         dating-makeover WOULD LIKE TO MEET (7pm, Sat; 8pm, Wed, BBC2)
         - the ideal partner for inspirationless reality gameshow
         PERFECT MATCH (9pm, Tue, C4), and followed on Wed by "But your
         dad's Albert Einstein!" Meg Ryan romantic comedy IQ (9pm, Wed,
         BBC2)... some reasonable movies on Sat for a change, with
         humourless remake LOST IN SPACE (8.20pm, Sat, BBC1); Spielberg
         before he lost it in DUEL (8pm, Sat, BBC2); all-too-accurate
         Cronenberg videogame cut-scenes yawn EXISTENZ (10.30pm, Sat,
         BBC2); plus Ridley Scott administering a largely unjustified
         man-beating to Demi Moore in GI JANE (9.30pm, Sat, ITV) -
         though, then again, maybe he'd just rented "Striptease"...
         Channel4 imitates a C5 evening line-up with WW2 sub-aqua "Time
         Team" HUNT FOR THE HOOD (7pm, Sat, C4), Nazi mountaineering
         reconstruction CLIMBING FOR THE FATHERLAND (8.05pm), Mr T's
         TOP TEN TV: HARD MEN (9.05pm), and the brutal Mark Kermode
         flaunting what he perceives to be his softer side in
         SHAWSHANK: THE REDEEMING FEATURE (11.45pm) - though frankly
         there are more laughs in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (9.50pm, Sun,
         BBC2), arguably Quentin Tarantino's least annoying film...
         relax girls, Alan Davies is gay - *or is he?* - in inverse
         "Chasing Amy" hetero conversion caper BOB AND ROSE (9pm, Mon,
         ITV)... there's a rag-bag of Avalon Management acts in THE
         SKETCH SHOW (10.30pm, Mon, ITV), as previously rejected by the
         BBC: http://uk.tv.yahoo.com/010712/128/by012.html - who, in
         'ORRIBLE (9.30pm, Mon, BBC2), appear to have spent UKP5m on a
         sitcom version of Johnny Vaughan's popular cider ads... while,
         to compound the insult of ITV2 moving DAVID LETTERMAN to
         midnight, BBC2 counterprogramme the increasingly misanthropic
         final series of SEINFELD (12.05am, Mon & Wed & Thu, BBC2)...

         FILM>> an irritatingly limited release for the unmissable
         "Blair Witch Project" of dotcom documentaries STARTUP.COM
         (imdb: business-deal / business-failure / business-manager /
         businessmen / business / entrepreneur / internet / burglary /
         capitalism / childhood-friend / coming-of-age / greed /
         industrial-espionage / venture-capital) - visit the official
         tie-in site at: http://www.govworks.com/ ! ... Kidman cute,
         McGregor sings in visually arresting Harry-Hill-style pop-
         lyrics-quoting overwrought ubercamp steampunk musical MOULIN
         ROUGE (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/moulinrouge.htm :
         homosexual dance; display of adult underwear in dance; self
         touching to entice; painting and statue nudity; faces at
         posterior or crotch of opposite gender; partial nudity with
         masked intercourse)... both better bets than post-Buffy
         vampire road romp THE FORSAKEN (http://www.cndb.com/ :
         [Izabella "Coyote Ugly" Miko's] pert little breasts are in
         full view for several wonderful moments [...] This could be a
         star making scene for her)... or not-as-good-as-the-original
         turning-into-modern-day-"Carry On"-franchise SCARY MOVIE 2
         (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/scary_movie_2.html :
         we briefly see [Anna Faris], [Regina Hall] and [Kathleen
         Robertson] in just their bras and panties; there's also the
         exaggerated sight of a long human penis coming from under a
         bed and wrapping around a clown's neck; after Cindy tells
         Buddy that they should talk about personal stuff, he mentions
         the time some "chick" was "licking my nuts")...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> NESTLE are spending UKP2.5m to promote
         the mildly underwhelming AERO HONEYCOMB (32p), but you simply
         don't care - our mailbag has been metaphorically crackling
         with reactions to SNICKERS CRUNCHER (from 25p), perhaps best
         described by MATT MULLEN as "packed with whatever Mars might
         be overstocked with - 'Crisped Rice, Crunchy Peanuts, Caramel
         & Milk Chocolate' - crammed in such a way as to remind me of
         the old cellophane-wrapped 'Nutty' bar. Not recommended
         straight from the fridge for anybody with human jaws, OK if
         you are some sort of jackal or wild dog of similar capacity".
         "Like eating a Toffee Crisp that's had nuts bunged in it",
         agreed DANIEL THORNTON, while MATT LOCKE eulogised: "the light
         airy rice of a Toffee Crisp, the crunchy peanuts of the
         Snicker, but no gooey caramel that sticks in your teeth and
         makes you feel guilty about not flossing. Lovely". Dissent was
         limited to old-fashioned TOM "Wasn't nougat the whole point of
         Marathons?" BLAKESON and PAUL MISON, who noted "it's only 40g,
         or two Mars Quarks, compared to 65g for a Mars Bar these days"
         - in fact retailers have been told to position it away from
         its full-fat Snickers sibling, to make it "more appealing to
         women"... a more muted response to MARS' LIMITED EDITION MINT
         TWIX (27p) - "the same sort of mintiness as a Viscount bar,
         with the added benefit of toffee. The chocolate-flavoured
         biscuit was a pleasant surprise" (ADAM JEFFERSON); "a
         wonderful combination of After Eight mints, with a Twix, with
         all the creamy sweetness of cheap English chocolate" (OWEN
         BLACKER) - and those "HARRY POTTER" BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR
         BEANS [as seen in NTK 2001-08-10], spotted by ADAM GOLDING
         while on holiday in the US, and described by him as "bad -
         particularly horseradish flavour which is vile. The sardine
         flavour is also not unlike lung scrapings", adding that there
         are 5 other novelty yucky flavours "too disgusting to
         describe". HARIBO are believed to be launching an unbranded
         "me too" bag of MAGIC MIX (99p), while DANIEL THORNTON (again)
         deadpanned that "MONSTER MUNCH now turn your mouth blue
         apparently. God knows why it's a selling point though"... ALEX
         TEA - if only his parents had named him "Rich" - confirmed the
         "All Your Base" inspiration of the OINGY BOINGY ads, which
         were "creative directed" by his "girlfriend's dad"; ADRIAN
         MOULDER praised the "increased structural integrity" of the
         MCDONALDS MCCHICKEN WRAP ("Tasty chicken, chargrilled peppers
         & onions, lime salsa, tortilla, cool sour cream & chive
         sauce"), compared to "the self-destructing BURGER KING ones";
         but CRAIG STEPHENS filed the biggest report of the month,
         detailing the recent range of Formula 1-themed one-week-only
         sandwiches inflicted by "Mucky D's" on Germany, including the
         MCFRANCE ("a rather insipid cordon-bleu type affair permeated
         by a garlic sauce with a fetid aftertaste"), the MCMALAYSIA
         ("a chapati containing salad and some actually rather pleasant
         'oriental' sauce"), and the MCBRITAIN ("an odd rehash of the
         singularly unpopular curry Chicken McFu"). And you don't want
         to know about the MCGERMANY ("exactly the same as the
         McFarmer, only with mustard") and the vegetarian MCEUROPE - we
         should all be grateful that http://www.mcstories.com/ remains
         (relatively) unsullied so far...

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as 
                "no, you *don't* need Quickti- oh, never mind"
          http://www.business2.com/articles/web/0,1653,17030,00.html

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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