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         "Ron Dick, head of the FBI's National Infrastructure
         Protection Centre, says too many computer users regard their
         systems as dumb appliances, not recognising that a computer
         needs 'to be constantly monitored and maintained. It
         functions like a living organism'."
         http://www.ananova.co.uk/news/story/sm_363549.html
- indeed my British counterpart at the National Hi-Tech Crime
         Unit informs me that they are practically "electronic brains"


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               actually, no news

         Despite fears of the usual authority-distrusting programmers
         milling around in "what do we do now?" disarray, we're pleased
         to report that, at time of writing, the UK's highest-profile
         FREE SKLYAROV protest went without a hitch outside the US
         embassy in London this lunchtime. Baffled onlookers and a van
         full of riot police had Sklyarov's unjustifiable incarceration
         [see previous NTKs] explained to them by means of leaflets,
         placards, chanting, "street theatre" reconstructions of his
         arrest, and impromptu filk versions of "YMCA" but with the
         lyrics changed to be about the "DMCA" instead. Attendance was
         estimated at "between 30 and 40" by organiser Dan Aykroyd, who
         doesn't look like he does on the telly at all, and "refused to
         be drawn" on why the other cast members of Sneakers couldn't
         make it. Assuming no other railway stations blow up between
         now and then, the whole thing should be on Newsnight at
         10.30pm tonight, though we bet they just show the bit where
         we're wandering round Hyde Park trying to work out where the
         embassy is, with some smart-arse "geeks couldn't organise a
         piss-up in a brewery" commentary from Paxman.
         http://news.zdnet.co.uk/story/0,,t281-s2092269,00.html
         - many from as far away as Cambridge and Underground Zone 4
         http://www.xenoclast.org/freesklyarov/
                                     - and a good time was had by all
         http://www.google.com/search?q=dmca+ymca
         - also thought this tune would go well with "My-S-Q-L"

         Of course, this sort of decentralised direct action is all
         very well in the short term, but as we all know, when you
         absolutely must get the trains running on time, leadership
         is vital. Or at least that was the muttering after July's
         Open Source Convention; commentators like Dan Gillmor spoke
         of how dignified Microsoft's Mundie was, compared to the
         fractious, fractured free software zealots. And Webmonkey's
         Jay Greenspan harkened back to a time when you could tell
         who was *really* in charge by reading the name at the bottom
         of the press release. Jay suggested that what was really
         killing Free Software was that people was just doing what
         they wanted without someone telling them what everyone
         should do. He's right: and to get us in the mood for having
         a boss again, here's a nice video of the Microsoft President
         and CEO speaking to the troops. Think statesmanlike.
         http://www.ntk.net/ballmer/dancemonkeyboy.mpg
                                                          - Think WWF
         http://www.ntk.net/ballmer/dancemonkeyboy.avi
                                         - Think Monty Python's Gumby

         We're sure we can't be the only ones to be horrified by the
         hysterical overreaction to last week's BRASS EYE. Wherever
         you look, you're faced with petitions, word-by-word
         denunciations, and angry polemics by single-minded editors
         with a track record of deceiving their audience, pandering
         COOKDANDBOMBD's coverage, hey. Here's the other links you
         sent in.
   http://www.wadham.ox.ac.uk/~jstacey/cgi-bin/getarticle.cgi?art=01-07-30
- just when we thought the sick disease of satirism was under control
         http://www.brasseye.co.uk/testimonials1.htm
                         - just another unfortunate namespace clash
http://www.football365.com/content/fun/picturegags/fw_picturega_571100.htm
                                 - this isn't going to go away is it?
         http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/
                           - hope they're not offended or anything
         http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_364207.html
            - sidekick Richard Barry unfortunately out of the country


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         "Ealing bomb believed to be terrorism", speculates ANANOVA,
         wildly: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_366308.html ...
         another busy day at "The WAP Store" (Eastleigh, Hampshire):
         http://squid.smellsofpee.co.uk/photos/wapstore.jpg ... "the
         contents of this document are confidential" fondly imagines:
         http://home.intekom.com/google/Google%20results-protocols.htm
         - bloody search engines... so they give you UKP2 to turn up?:
  http://www.edfringe.com/cgi-bin/user/edfringe/detailshow.fcgi?id=EDINI
         ... AMAZON decide that "Web Caching" is mere "kid's stuff":
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/156592536X/ ...
         "Welcome To Your Future" - and what looks like our past?:
         http://www.itemus.com/ ... self-confessed astrologer "genius":
         http://community-2.webtv.net/Archure/Genius/ provides handy
         comparative review of "Idiots Guide"/"For Dummies" books:
         http://community-2.webtv.net/Archure/Books/ ... "Updated Every
         Minute Of Every Day" boasts http://news.bbc.co.uk - ie,
         they've got a clock?... "Do you know where your property is?
         We do": http://www.slysearch.com/services.html ... census-
         takers now questioning everything about damn job (bottom of): 
http://www.statistics.gov.uk/themes/population/surveys/survey_of_cqs.asp
         ... "Enjoy the sun" advises weather report - from Mercury:
         http://www.guardian.co.uk/breakingnews/UK/0,2478,1078874,00.html


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         The exasperatingly enigmatic TWENTYTHREE organisation had to
         cancel their planned live event last week, and Tim O'Reilly
         will unfortunately no longer be speaking at the UK UNIX USER
         GROUP next Thu (though apparently VA Linux's Ted T'so might
         well do a talk instead). But not even the death of star guest
         Delia Derbyshire can halt the wailing of FORGOTTEN MUSICAL
         TECHNOLOGIES, this month's presentation by Fortean funsters
         Strange Attractor (7.30pm, Tue 2001-08-07, The Horse Hospital,
         London WC1, UKP6). The primarily Theremin-based programme
         features a screening of that "Theremin - An Electronic
         Odyssey" documentary plus a number of live performances,
         including live performances from Bruce "Buggles" Woolley, and
         - of course - the theme from "Star Trek: The Original Series".
         http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/
         - wow, an analogue synth with no resonance, cutoff, polyphony
         http://www.ukuug.org/events/TOR_20010809.shtml
                        - s/ Tim O'Reilly / http://thunk.org/tytso/ /g
         http://www.artscatalyst.org/htm/saforum3.htm
                               - they put one arts project into space;
                                   why can't they send them all there?


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         There's so many new features in the straight-outta-alpha VIM
         6 BETA, a weaker, more partisan correspondent might be
         tempted to gargle "bloat!", and return to nvi. But after a
         while, I swear, it all makes such *sense*. So you can split
         windows vertically, which sounds like the most shocking
         Emacs frippery - until you see vimdiff, a beautiful
         line-by-line realtime diff visualiser. Or the much-talked-of
         folding: on first glance, one can only imagine using it to
         create an outliner in Vim macros. But, oh my, when you see
         you first Perl program with irrelevant subroutines
         squirrelled away -as though you'd already deleted them! And
         then there's the client/server system, which, just to
         irritate the Emacs readers reading this far, sends commands
         and files to a vim session, like emacsclient. How cool might
         you be with that? Unicode, decent user manual: there's even
         a single-mode GUI "easyvim" for spoony pico-lovers. As ever
         with Vim, it's fun drunkenly stumbling around the updated
         Vim help files, or maybe pressing buttons at random to see
         what happens. If you upgrade one program this year, make it
         Vim 6. Unless its emacs 21. Certainly can't imagine you'd
         want to upgrade *both*.
         http://vim.sf.net/
                                     - discussions of a Ugandan nature
         http://www.troubleshooters.com/projects/vimoutliner/
           - not that there's anything wrong with vim macro outliners


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         calling ITV-DIGITAL hotline and saying you want to buy a
         monkey - every 100th caller gets a free box? Riiight ... shaming
         the SIRCAMmers: http://www.hartnup.net/pubcam/pubcam ... MILKY
         BAR KID was strong and tough - but only THE LORD is good enough:
         http://www.despatch.cth.com.au/DFL/dflAug022000.htm ... *your*
         essential fluids could help prolong a celebrity's useless
         existence!: http://www.blood.co.uk/flashAdvert1.htm ... life
         imitates Kate Bush's "Babooshka" (or maybe Rupert Holmes'
         "Escape"): http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_354103.html
         ... weather - with attitude! (see under "Quirky Story 1-3"):
         http://www.metcheck.com/ ... CRINGELY + GIBSON = conspiracy!:
         http://www.pbs.org/cringely/pulpit/pulpit20010802.html ...
         time for all those old "TOLKIEN may be Hobbit-forming" gags:
www.skysports.com/skynews/storytemplate/storytoppic/0,,30200-1024895,00.html
         ... "plastic bags can be cut into good raincoat for children"
         recommends newly tourist-conscious Chinese government site:
http://www.bjta.gov.cn/English/lvxing_zhishi/lvyou_baojian/1999.09.06.05.htm
         ... "Lord Of The Dance" reclaims title from Michael Flatley:
         http://www.dancedanceresurrection.i12.com ... cheer up MARIAH:
       http://pub28.bravenet.com/guestbook/show.php?usernum=2365914404
         ... all too-detailed recreation of the golden age of steam:
       http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010730/ts/life_explosion_dc_5.html
         ... hang on - isn't this what my HOTMAIL accounts are for?:
         http://www.mailexpire.com/ ... it's the armed AMIHOTORNOT:
         http://www.b3ta.com/kill/g.php?k=996488442 ... build your own:
         http://chaos.greeny.org/~halluc/railgun/intro.html ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                        the less rude www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> C4 picks up Fox's grippingly game-theory-influenced
         reality horror TEMPTATION ISLAND (11.10pm, Fri, C4)... E4
         interrupts its wall-to-wall Brass Eye repeats for the third
         series of brutal prison drama OZ (11pm, Fri, E4), and for
         anyone who gets E4 but mysteriously doesn't get MTV, a run of
         surprisingly endearing self-injury fest JACKASS (10.35pm, Tue
         & Wed, E4)... while TOMORROW'S WORLD (7pm, Wed, BBC1) flags
         down the reality bandwagon as 75 passengers attempt to escape
         from a burning Jumbo - live on TV!... building up to the final
         episode (8pm, Mon), Sky are showing 8 hours of random (best
         of?) STAR TREK: VOYAGER (from 1pm, Sat & Sun, Sky1)... the
         curse of doing something hugely popular early in your career
         then constantly trying to live up to it is doubly explored in
         DOUGLAS ADAMS: OMNIBUS SPECIAL (8.10pm, Sat, BBC2) and Steve
         Coogan on THE SOUTH BANK SHOW (11pm, Sun, ITV)... BEST OF
         BANZAI (9.30pm, Sat, C4) is followed by The Clip Show Eating
         Itself in the clumsily titled TV TO DIE FOR: THE BEST MUSIC
         SHOW IN THE WORLD (10pm, Sat, C4), featuring highlights from
         all last year's "Worst Music Moments From Hell" programmes...
         but then you've a choice of star-studded sci-fi B-movies in
         the form of flawed Gibson adaptation JOHNNY MNEMONIC (10.15pm,
         Sat, BBC1) or Marg "CSI" Helgenberger making ingenious use of
         an empath to advance the plot in space-sex nonsense SPECIES
         (10.45pm, Sat, ITV)... Richard Dean Anderson fans can always
         pretend that MACGYVER: LOST TREASURE OF ATLANTIS (3.55pm, Sun,
         BBC1) is a feature-length STARGATE SG-1 (12.45pm, Sun, C4) if
         the latter is cancelled due to cricket... "email isn't secure"
         reveals the unintentionally hilarious THE FUTURE JUST HAPPENED
         (7.45pm, Sun, BBC2): http://www.bbc.co.uk/future - click "Prog
         2" on the left menu... take a drink every time Simon "Privacy
         International" Davies pops up in THE HISTORY OF SURVEIILANCE
         (8pm, Sun, C4)... there's another chance to see ape-make-up
         docu-soap NEANDERTHAL (8pm, Mon, C4), described by Charlie
         Brooker as "When Gallaghers Ruled The Earth"... Harrison
         Ford's well-documented problems with air travel continue in
         Anne Heche rom-com SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS (9pm, Mon, C5) and
         Tom Clancy fancy-shmancy CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER (9pm, Tue,
         BBC1)... look forward to the "Southerners have their own
         rules" ad placement during harrowing Nam-allegory SOUTHERN
         COMFORT (9pm, Thu, C5)... and, hopefully heeding Mark Leyner's
         dictum that "all competition - active or potential - must be
         neutralised", Carol Vorderman uses extensive testing to locate
         and identify BRITAIN'S BRAINIEST KID (8.30pm, Thu, ITV)...

         FILM>> "even better than the original" is the promising word
         of mouth on Zhang "Crouching Tiger" Ziyi and Don "Swordfish"
         Cheadle joining Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in action-comedy
         RUSH HOUR 2 (imdb: china / martial-arts / partner / police /
         sequel / hong-kong)... otherwise Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum and
         Elizabeth "Big" Perkins encounter further unnatural phenomena
         in animatronic/CGI pet-fighting kiddie-chortle CATS AND DOGS
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/catsanddogs.htm : dog
         flatulence and urination; suggestion of inappropriate touch by
         proximity; never has God placed the animals above or equal to
         man)... *very* limited release previews of joke-free "Shrek"
         remake FIGHTING FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN (imdb: computer-
         animation / based-on-video-game)... or, in Bristol this
         weekend, then around the country later in the month, it's the
         return of STELLA SCREEN ON LOCATION: CINEMA UNDER THE STARS
         http://www.stellascreen.co.uk/stellascreen/ - a "unique blend
         of the great outdoors and the hypnotic magic of film", though
         it must be a bit distracting if the screen really is suspended
         tug-of-war-style between two horses, like in the TV ads...

         BONERS, CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, AND "INCORRECTLY REGARDED
         AS GOOFS">> going back a while, reader ANDREW HARTON boldly
         accused us of mixing up the works of Neal Stephenson in NTK
         2001-07-13, alleging "Perhaps you meant 'The Diamond Age',
         which did indeed contain converted supertankers acting as
         floating orphanages, rather than 'Snow Crash', which didn't".
         No, we definitely meant "The Raft" in "Snow Crash" (and we
         haven't read "The Diamond Age" anyway - is it any good?)...
         someone calling themselves "PERICLES" believed our use of the
         phrase "the hoi-polloi" [last week's NTK] was a "sly way of
         resuscitating the career of 'The The'", because "hoi" means
         "the" in Greek or something. The enthrallingly over-detailed
         http://www.faqs.org/faqs/alt-usage-english-faq/ begs to
         differ, however, noting that the "first 5 citations in the
         OED, and the most famous use of this phrase in English (in
         Gilbert and Sullivan's 'Iolanthe')" all put "the" in front of
         it; plus, the other way round sounds stupid... also last week,
         MARK WHITAKER astutely observed that our link to the thesis
         "Bod: Sexuality and Surrealism", by one Peter Fenelon of the
         "Heslington Institute for the Harmlessly Daft" was "clearly a
         piss-take", though to his credit, he did include a link to the
         (apparently for real) http://www.ncl.ac.uk/crif/stenger.htm
         for comparison purposes... oh and SIMON JOBSON - "a solicitor
         in the commercial propery department of a large city law firm"
         - uncovered that "the Guardian aren't getting any money out of
         [ http://195.182.183.18/auctions/lot.asp?PropertyID=215 ] -
         since it's the freehold of their leased office which is for
         sale", though conceded that it's a "nice idea"... regarding
         genuine omissions of fact or judgement: KI SUK rightly queried
         our 2001-03-16 claim that "'Defcon 1' means all-out war when,
         in reality, 'Defcon 5' does", citing such compelling evidence
         as http://www.fas.org/nuke/guide/usa/c3i/defcon.htm - but
         apparently the audio commentary on the "WarGames" DVD still
         maintains otherwise... WILLIAM KNOWLES was mightily reassured
         by Google's attempts to correct the spelling of MTV UK's
         apparently universal standard "non-frames" browser warning:
http://www.google.com/search?q=somefing+has+gone+totally+tits+up&filter=0
         "Did you mean: *something* has gone totally tits up?"... and
         finally, some early editions of NTK 2001-07-13 playfully
         confused scripting.com US web celeb "Dave Winer" with where-
         is-he-now UK net evangelist "Dave[y] Winder" - NTK apologies
         unreservedly for any offence caused to either of them...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
               http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/21.51.html#subj11
                  "not certain as to anything's authenticity"


                                 NEED TO KNOW
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