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the probabilistic gossip email - 22.06.01 *issue 0.75*
statistically uncorrelated with http://www.popbitch.com
* Pop singers, TV presenters, soap stars - do they TAKE DRUGS?
* Does listening to Bryan Adams make you a serial killer?
* Exclusive: the Daphne and Celeste/Hitler connection
Plus "predicted chart positions", obtained via the amazingly
clairvoyant method of TYPING IN THE MID-WEEK CHART POSITIONS
FAXED TO THE MUSIC PRESS EVERY WEDNESDAY
Statistically speaking, almost 50% of MALE ROCK STARS have
genitals which are larger than average, assuming that by
"average", we are referring to the precise arithmetic mean,
rather than the mode or the median. At the same time, the
other 50% have genitals which are almost all *smaller* than
average. Either way - unusually large (or small) genitals!
I mean, HOW FREAKY IS THAT?
Chances are, ANY CELEBRITY YOU CAN THINK OF - or someone close
to them - will have taken illegal drugs at some point,
especially if you define "close" as "within 20 miles". Experts
blame high showbiz incomes, a possible inherent insecurity in
those drawn to the performing arts, and, most worryingly of
all, a "culture of conspicuous consumption" prevalent in
modern-day Western society!
Exclusive: DAPHNE AND CELESTE are both related to Adolph
Hitler, self-appointed "Fuhrer" of the Third Reich, in a
vaguely tangential manner. Sophisticated DNA analysis has
proved that all humans share the same basic genetic material
(this being part of the definition of a biological "species"),
even despicable Nazi dictators and cuddly female pop stars.
Talk about 6 degrees of separation!
Which past-it pop bands could be "dropped" by their record
companies very soon, unless their next records do particularly
well? Astonishingly, it's ALL OF THEM - many acts have been
signed up on "contracts" for a pre-specified duration (or
number of albums), agreements which can eventually be
"terminated" if either party changes their mind!
Exactly how many BRYAN ADAMS fans might turn out to be serial
killers? Probably no more than those of any other reasonably
well-known musician with broad international appeal, but
still, it could be more than you think!
And, while we're on the subject, exactly how many serial
killers might turn out to be BRYAN ADAMS fans? Probably no
more than those of any other reasonably well-known musician
with broad international appeal, but still, it could be more
than you think!
Are animals funny, or what? If you're one of our readers who
seems to find merely the word "monkey" unaccountably amusing,
then check out this news site, which uses it several times.
Monkey, monkey, monkey! Tee-hee!
http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Monkeys Just discovered erotic fan fiction or fake nude pages, but
mysteriously lack the ability to search them out yourself?
Then check out this Buffy fan site - with a difference!
(Apparently the Internet's *rife* with this sort of thing!)
http://www.gothicform.clara.net/buffy/fanfic.htm And finally - from anonymity to immortality: word is it's
"extremely unlikey" that, after a successful stint in a B-list
boy-band, both JAMES BULGER murderers plan to pursue careers as
light entertainment presenters in children's TV. "Friends Like
These" might never be the same again!
"Apple, fearing the negative connotations of having its brand
identity connected to the Church of Satan, forced it to cease
...unless they'd like to invest, oh, $150 million?
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
in accordance with NTK prophecy, slow news week, REGISTER-
style: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/19878.html ,
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/19759.html ... BBC
news online - tough on crime, tough on the reporting of crime:
http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohkill.gif ... "too much
reality" TV: http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohbro.gif ...
MOONFRUIT appears *again* in last Saturday's "Jobs and Money"
GURADIAN, in story on how to deal with "employee whinging"...
the soothing alternative to "all work and no play makes Jack
a dull boy": http://www.jnj.com/who_is_jnj/background.html ...
"conGENIAL"? is this a promo site for the new David Cronenberg
movie? http://www.femgenab.org.uk/ ... "I can't seem to get my
Tab key to work on my Palm Portable Keyb- oh, hang on, that's
... NETSCAPE meanwhile having problems with "t" key (count
'em): http://www.compsoc.man.ac.uk/~sirhc/advert.gif ...
http://www.theinternetrose.com/ "temporarily down" for quite a
while now... "This site has a lot of information" - BUT WHERE?
... the sinister conspiracy to fill up your WINDOWS disk
... female pop stars get behind popular DVD ripping software:
... also, the guy in the picture still has his trousers on:
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
In case you're not bored of all this awards nonsense by now,
"2001 will see BIMA get back to its roots of representing and
celebrating work from the new media sector", proudly announces
the BRITISH INTERACTIVE MEDIA ASSOCIATION - raising the
question: what the *hell* were they trying to do before?
Anyway, they'll be picking the winners from their inexplicably
Argos-dominated shortlist next Thu (2001-06-28, Shoreditch,
London E1) - "by more than halving the cost of past ticket
prices [to UKP60], companies will be encouraged to bring most,
if not all, of their creative and production staff", the site
fondly imagines. Alternatively, there might still be time to
join the anarchistic nominations free-for-all over at THE NEW
STATESMAN NEW MEDIA AWARDS (closing date today, 2001-06-22),
where users are apparently encouraged to submit their site
under as many different categories (and different spellings)
as they can think of, only mildly distracting in the case of
EverythingEducation.org - or "EvertyThing Educaiton", as one
- "Communities" features "The 23 Forum", another.com...
- non-ironically god-awful Flash invite too
- padding out "Internet Journalist Of The Year" once again
>> MEMEPOOL <<
oogle that google
under-the-skin implant research abandoned, over fears of
fulfilling Biblical prophecy about the "mark of the beast":
... challenges include keeping a fire going, staging a fashion
show, and purging the area of religious or ethnic minorities:
http://www.boycotttheusa.com/ ...TOMB RAIDER = new "Avengers":
hardly the A-Team van: http://www.biff.org.uk/dave/cert.jpg ,
is it?... this week's novelty nonexistent action figure - it's
MICHEL FOUCAULT: http://www.theory.org.uk/action.htm ... this
week's dumb CGI tricks: http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
, http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/ ... this week's novelty
Java 3D FPS: http://www.brackeen.com/home/scared/ ... brutally
honest A&R: http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohjunk.gif ...
songs of the Manic Street Preachers, as sung by THE SIMPSONS:
http://freespace.virgin.net/graham.allan/manics/ ... nice
buns: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/jonward/toaster/ ...
modern-day alternative to "man bites dog" newsworthiness-test:
... "this is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo,
integrating my acceleration with respect to time...":
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
the back-at-last http://www.tvgohome.com/ TV>> BBC1 wheels out yet another interchangeable love-and-
deceit-among-a-posh-family-who-live-in-the-past drama THE
CAZALETS (9pm, Fri, BBC1)... SOUTH PARK (10pm, Fri, C4)
replaces "Frasier" with the year-old "Tooth Fairy" episode
anachronistically featuring a Dreamcast - and what happened to
"Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", listed by some as the first
of season 4?... while the amusingly named Jon Snow rehashes
the same old boring arguments in DRUGS LAWS ON TRIAL (6.30pm,
Sat, C4) - hey, if they legalise narcotics, who do you think
the military-industrial complex are going to go after instead?
... film of the week is the-clue's-in-the-title hilariously
Capra-esque mild-Charlize-Theron-nudity parable THE DEVIL'S
ADVOCATE (9pm, Sat, BBC1)... a tough night ahead for William
Petersen, battling forensic mysteries in CSI (8.05pm, Sat, C5)
and Marky Mark Wahlberg in FEAR (11.20pm, Sat, ITV)... and
"Machines have made us the only animal that can exceed its
natural speed limit", reckons SPEED (8pm, Sun, BBC1), ignoring
the famous counter-example of a cow pushed off a cliff... we
could be wrong, but WORLD OF PUB (9.50pm, Sun, BBC2) outwardly
resembles a remake of Sky's "Time Gentlemen Please", but with
Kevin "Simon Quinlank" Eldon instead of The Pub Landlord, and
Phil Cornwell instead of Phil Daniels... it's back to familiar
ground for C5 with Rutger Hauer thriller BONE DADDY (9pm, Sun,
C5) plus Mario Van Peebles "Terminator" knock-off SOLO (9pm,
Tue, C5) - both last shown June 2000 - though BBC1 stays in
the running with alternate reality sequel THE PHILADELPHIA
EXPERIMENT 2 (11.35pm, Wed, BBC1)... while C5 re-iterates its
commitment to factual educational programming with two new
tech shows, the self-explanatory WWW.SEX (11.05pm, Thu, C5) as
well as DOWNLOADED (11.35pm, Thu, C5), the latter being an
animation showcase hosted by experienced Flash programmers
Trevor and Simon...
FILM>> just in time to cash in on all the anti-Disney
publicity, advance previews this weekend of SHREK (imdb:
computer-animation / dragon / castle / curse / disneyland /
donkey / ethnic-cleansing / fairy-tale / flatulence /
friendship / knight / magic-mirror / magic / ogre / parody /
princess / quest / rescue / spell / talking-animal / wedding /
blockbuster / canceled-wedding / fairy-tale-parody / fart /
green / nazism / racism / belch / exploding-bird / lava-
filled-moat / onion / rope-bridge / swamp)... after "Junior",
"Twins" and "Kindergarten Cop", Ivan Reitman, the master of
ineffectual biological body-horror, ineptly remakes his own
"Ghostbusters" in scientifically incompetent CGI showreel
EVOLUTION (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/evolution.htm :
crotch hit with further attention to the male crotch; rear
male [Duchovny] nudity; homosexual joke/insult; attempt to
strip to underwear - female; entire theme based on evolution;
revelry). Features a baffling scene where Duchovny announces
the military have taken "all the jpegs" off his PC - but left
the other image formats intact?... or a couple of bedsit
Brit-movies, with Juliette "Natural Born Killers" Lewis
inexplicably popping up in gay Egyptian flatshare curio ROOM
TO RENT (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : passed '15' for strong
language, moderate sex and sexual references)... plus almost-
Glaswegian-accent-free Scottish "Clerks" knock-off LATE NIGHT
SHOPPING (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : strong language and moderate
sexual references) - that bloke from "I'm Alan Partridge" and
the Archers and Wrigleys ads, that bloke from the "One2One"
stalker ad from a couple of years ago, and Nigel from 4later's
"Vids" - together at last!...
ADVERTS THAT SOUND LIKE WELL-KNOWN POP SONGS, SONGS THAT SOUND
LIKE OTHER SONGS, AND THE OWNERS THAT LOVE THEM>> yup, you
don't need a degree in forensic musicology to spot that "Sing"
by TRAVIS sounds like their previous monsyllabic imperative
"Turn", combined with everything else they've ever done
(while, confusingly, the chorus of "Turn" by FEEDER sounds
just like "Ordinary World" by DURAN DURAN), but only DANIEL
BUTT cared enough to notice that "Take Your Carriage Clock And
Shove It", the B-side to BELLE & SEBASTIAN's new "Johnathan
David" single, is "an absolute rip-off" of chart-topper "I've
Never Been To Me" by CHARLENE (for which our favourite gag
remains: "Things a woman isn't supposed to see? How about the
exact time and manner of her own death? No-one likes seeing
that")... increasingly obscurely, the "noodling guitar chorus"
of the TURIN BRAKES single "Underdog (Save Me)" (recently
charting, with a bullet, at no. 39) reminded DAVID MILLINGTON
of THE FARM's "Groovy Train", while PAUL TAYLOR, apparently
not confusing it with SHAGGY's more openly derivative "Angel",
accused WHEATUS' "Teenage Dirtbag" of lifting its whole rhythm
section from STEVE MILLER's "The Joker". "Teenage Dirtbag" is
of course the track in which Radio 1 currently censor the line
"he brings a gun to school", while also refusing to give the
full name of WEEZER's "Hash Pipe" (calling it "H Pipe"
instead), much to the disappointment of fans of associative
arrays... the individual known only as "h0l" thought we might
like the "live bootleg gorgeousness" of comedy cover-fiends MR
BUNGLE's version of the "Zelda Theme", complete with lyrics:
ftp://mirror.support.nl/pub/mono/drfetid/zeldab.zip ; MOP's
"Ante Up" album track constitutes, we believe, the most
blatant use of Defender samples in a hip-hop tune so far; and
an, er, ANONYMOUS TIPSTER revealed that the backing track to
the new trailer for PS2 Halflife "desperately, urgently,
hideously, absolutely needs to sound like Block Rockin' Beats,
by the CHEMICAL BROTHERS"... also in ads, NICK DRAGE thought
"parts of" http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/11/_hate_dept.html
"sound awfully like the music from the Hula Hoops advert set
in a disco"; "the music from the Sugar Puffs secret agent
advert is quite clearly meant to be DAVID ARNOLD's reworking
of 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'", reported PHIL MURG,
cryptically adding "You'd think they'd be able to afford the
real thing seeing as they don't have to pay Henry McGee's
salary any more"; and thanks to all of you (well, DERREN D
PHILLIPS, anyway) who wrote in explaining why we won't be
hearing the MANICS' "Ocean Spray" in any cranberry juice
adverts any time soon [as hypothesised in NTK 2001-05-11]:
- though we maintain that if their next album features a close
relative poignantly passing away while attired in clothes from
The Gap, then we'll be suspicious...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"Ant Attack t-shirt ahoy!"
("Liquid News", 8.30pm & 1am tonight, BBC Choice)
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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