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         "This intricate-looking image was actually
                generated by a computer program"
               - caption to Mandelbrot snapshot, NEW YORK TIMES
  http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/07/science/physical/07INFO.html
             ...like everything else on this Web page, you *idiot*


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                         bringing balance to the load

         Oh, "they" bleat about how all their readers are sending
         them SirCam documents, and how the Net is grinding to a halt
         with CODE RED (n+1) infections, but why, we - and he - must
         ask, is no-one writing about HIPCRIME? The bane of USENET
         has, it seems to us, has achieved a more worrying goal than
         SirCam, Code Red, and a hundred urban myths and spam kings -
         the often-predicted death of USENET. Hipcrime's Java
         NewsAgent program is spreading further and further afield.
         It has a simple strategy. First: it creates a unique posting
         of computer generated gibberish, which is nonetheless
         electronically indistinguishable from a normal usenet post.
         Then it covers its origin by adopting the headers of random
         (real) usenet poster. Prepare to send it to a random group,
         but set follow-ups to the group to be destroyed. Post from
         an untraceable dialup, or better still via the hundreds of
         open Wingate socks4 proxies. Repeat until the group is
         drowned in "what the hell", "please keep to the charter",
         "what has this to do with frank zappa?" messages. Impossible
         to filter, impossible to cancel, and damn hard to warn the
         whole of Usenet about: especially if everyone outside the
         froups is blind to its existence. And it's been there since
         the mid-90s. And, yeah, people still read USENET.
      http://groups.google.com/groups?th=773aad3a582328b9,208&start=0
                                     - watch the descent into madness
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/freshred.gif
         - meanwhile Code Red stalks the Microsoft vulnerabilities
         http://www.dasbistro.com/default.ida
          - hold on: doesn't the first command turn the server *off*?

         Of course, it was an unexpected vulnerability in a Microsoft
         *personality* that threatened servers this side of the pond
         when people realised that the now-notorious STEVE BALLMER
         video, which had been kicking around as an .avi file for at
         least a couple of weeks beforehand, had at last become
         available in a format that people might actually want to view
         it in. Thanks to everyone who helped with the mirroring, and
         to all the proper journalists who got an official "no comment"
         from Microsoft after becoming exasperated with our explanation
         that we "got it off a mailing list or something". Perhaps that
         same generosity might be able to help out ailing UK comedy
         sites MARTIAN.FM (having problems with the time - and other,
         cultural - differences between the UK and Detroit); tiresome
         Chris Morris lickspittles COOKDANDBOMBD.CO.UK (having problems
         hosting that ever-controversial "Brass Eye" episode); world-
         hating comedy forum SOME OF THE CORPSES ARE AMUSING (see
         previous NTKs); and - last, but not least - little-known news
         spoof site THE REGISTER, whose mishaps this week included
         forgetting their router password and having to evacuate the
         office following a shooting. And they say satire is "too safe"
         nowadays.
         http://bbspot.com/toys/video/ballmer/
                     - can you smell what the OS division is cooking?
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/20897.html
          - quite tame, by http://www.notbbc.co.uk/corpses/ standards

         At the end of last month, Pythonista Eric S. Raymond
         extended an olive branch to the Perl developers, suggesting
         that the two languages (or "tribes" as esr is wont to call
         everyone) put aside their differences to work on a common
         runtime. It was all the P's in our time: Python, Perl, Parse
         Trees, Parrot (the April Fool's joke hybrid Py-Pl language)
         and, most importantly we guess for ESR, Pissing Off
         Microsoft by routing around their own .NET runtime. Three
         weeks later, the process still hangs in the balance. There's
         suspicion in the Python camp that the Perl6 mongers have no
         intention to decommission their explosive syntax stockpiles,
         and ongoing division among Python developers over the true
         nature of the "%" operator has slowed the process. We just
         hope no-one starts sending suicide packages into CPAN or
         blowing up the ActiveState offices. Simon Cozens has been
         engaging in shuttle diplomacy across the language divides,
         rooting over the Python parser, and has started the "rainbow
         alliance" mailing list, language-dev. Jesus, they're even
         talking to the PHP authors in there.
         http://www.python.org/pipermail/python-dev/2001-July/016406.html
         - love how esr's .sig file always implies he's waving a gun
                                                 as he composes his mail
         http://aspn.activestate.com/ASPN/Mail/Browse/Threaded/language-dev
                                 - just don't trust those Sather guys


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         LUCAS displays unerring eye for a topical public-relations
         coup: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/dohclone.jpg ... give
         birth to a blinkin' MONSTER: http://www.ivfcenter.net/ ...
         more hopeful reality-TV satirists fight for the limelight at
         http://www.dangerisland.tv/ ... "before" and "after" pics of
         Rudy from "Survivor"?: http://www.toymania.com/main.shtml ...
         as if call centres didn't already strip away your dignity:
        http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010807/od/nudists_dc_1.html
         ... BBC hope to provoke a discussion on "living in slugs":
         http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/tp_archive/19428.stm - hang
         on, there's enough here to build your own world-class news
         operation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/static/services/ ,
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/background/newsid_1245000/1245746.stm
         ... and http://www.thelabourparty.org points to... from the
         folks behind http://wwwntk.net/ - http://www.sexclowns.com/ ...
         hint: the clue's in the immediately adjacent image filename:
         http://tv.carlton.com/ourhouse/comp_q3.jhtml ... #*@!$~-ing
         keyboard: http://www.ntk.net/2001/08/10/dohcurrency.png ...
         woah there, Detective-Sergeant - you'd better hold your
         horses: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004CUOJ/
         ... the "mutants and human sheep" name-calling continues:
    http://217.148.32.187/FriendsReunited.asp?wci=bb&school_key=139661
         ... hey, everyone goes a bit crazy at a PERL CONFERENCE:
         http://195.38.233.125/YAPC/friday/Pict0048.htm ... FALCO
         http://www.taste.co.uk - worth every penny of UKP110,000:
         http://www.name-shop.net/prime.htm#taste ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Last time we mentioned "Transmetropolitan" in NTK, some crazed
         Spider-Jerusalem-style maverick troublemaker promised to mail
         us his surviving issues of "Denny Whiplash", a comic-strip
         which WARREN ELLIS apparently wrote and drew "in the mid-80s"
         for his 6th form college magazine. Sadly, our source's scanner
         has since mysteriously malfunctioned, but it might still make
         for an unusual conversation piece when Warren joins a bunch
         of other Titan Books talent - Ian "Halo Jones" Gibson, Steve
         "Deadline" Dillon, Glenn "Slaine" Fabry - at their 20 YEARS OF
         TITAN BOOKS mass signing tomorrow (Sat 2001-08-11, Forbidden
         Planet, New Oxford St, London WC1). Since Steve Dillon also
         worked on "Rogue Trooper" in his time, maybe he could answer
         that eternal question: what if Rogue had not conveniently had
         those three friends with near-fetishistic interests in guns,
         helmets and backpacks, respectively? How differently might
         the stories have turned out had his trooper-colleagues been
         obsessed with, say, ladies' shoes or underwear instead?
         http://www.2000adonline.com/index.php3?page=news&story=signing
         - "Back me up here, Panties! Shoes - we're going in!"
         http://www.dnscon.org/dns4/
         - We don't *think* we're speaking here this year. Or are we?


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         This will be, I swear, the second-to-last Elite nostalgia
         piece that NTK runs. The New Kind, the reverse-engineered C
         reimplementation of the original 6502 BBC Micro game has hit
         v1.0. It runs under Windows and Linux (using the giftware
         Allegro graphics library), and fair brings a tear to your
         eye - and that's just paging through the source. But even if
         the stark beauty of assembly-based-C code doesn't appeal,
         the homages to every iteration of the game - including rock
         hermits, witchspace ambushes and the fabled Cougar will win
         anyone who still gives a toss over, I'm sure. 
         http://www.newkind.co.uk/
         - Darkness Falls is so much better (albeit less accurate)
                                          than "Attack of the Clones"
         http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0108/07/i_ba.04.html
         - Braben on CNN: kids should be *flying* around and shooting
         http://www.phink.net/elite/
                                          - now with graphics. on WAP


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         idealistic artists miss large astronomical object, point:
         http://www.paintthemoon.org/ ... spanking new Japanese input
         devices: http://www.monzy.com/intro/boong-ga/brochure.jpg ,
         http://www.pioneer.co.jp/soundbum/ ... suspicions confirmed
         about "sports fans": http://www.ruggerbugger.com/index2.htm
         ... BBC http://www.independent.co.uk/story.jsp?story=86965
         imitate http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.14.1936.html
         ... "accidenture" ad at http://corporateanthems.raettig.org/ -
         not exactly an "anthem", is it?... vs lost consultancy wisdom
         of the ancients: http://home1.gte.net/sny22njz/artofwww/ ...
         "formulaic POKEMON slash" writes an especially jaded reader:
         http://daviduck83.homestead.com/lemons.html (from alt.games.
         nintendo.pokemon.hentai)... "It's the car, right? Chicks dig
         the car?": http://robertinhisferrari.com/ ... continuing this
         week's unusually bodily-functions-fixated memepool, KEVIN
         SMITH astroturf site: http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/ ... not
         smelling *of* it - NEW SCIENTIST readers now smelling own wee:
         http://www.newscientist.com/opinion/opletters.jsp?id=ns230339
         ... it seems I have underestimated you once again, DOC-TOR:
       http://www.itn.co.uk/news/20010809/entertainment/01davison.shtml
         ... http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_364943.html imitates
         http://www.theonion.com/onion3533/death_of_child_3533.html ...
         this week's mildly confused CHRISTIAN pop-lyrics parody site:
         http://www.anti-gay.com/hybrids/parody.htm ... and don't tell
         the http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/newsroom/170701kitten.shtml
         kids' crusaders about this alarming new pet-keeping craze:
         http://www.fsinet.or.jp/~sokaisha/rabbit/rabbit.htm ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                            hello? tvgohome? HELLO?

         TV>> BBC1 unleashes a monolithic EASTENDERS-based Friday line-
         up (from 7pm, Fri, BBC1), with attractions including Jonathan
         Ross, Alistair McGowan and, bafflingly, last year's Victoria
         Wood Christmas Special... ALT-TV (7.30pm, Fri, C4) remakes the
         old indie "20 Dates" docu format as "Four Weeks To Find A
         Girlfriend"... and ITV seems to have wavered in the Arnie-vs-
         Arnie Saturday night game of chicken and is no longer showing
         "The Terminator" against TOTAL RECALL (10.15pm, Sat, BBC1)...
         filling in between the usual months-old home-grown clip shows
         comes the actually-quite-promising months-old imported clip
         show AFI'S 100 YEARS: 100 LAUGHS (9pm, Sat, C4) - inexplicably
         featuring neither Kevin Smith's MALLRATS (1am, Sat, BBC2) nor
         his CHASING AMY (11.55pm, Wed, C4)... risible "isn't the net
         amazing?" series THE FUTURE JUST HAPPENED (6.35pm, Sun, BBC2)
         at last gets around to cutting-edge cyber-icons Keith Chegwin
         and Marillion... former Letterman/SNL writer Rich Hall makes
         it big at last as grizzled character comic OTIS LEE CRENSHAW
         (11.05pm, Sun, BBC2)... and C5 finds itself on familiar
         territory once again with Rutger Hauer cybercrud NEW WORLD
         DISORDER (9pm, Mon, C5), clearly preferring to schedule stuff
         that might be any good - Jeremy "The Larry Sanders Show"
         Piven's quickfire comedy-drama CUPID (2.20pm, Mon-Fri, C5),
         Clint Eastwood's WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART (3.20pm, Tue, C5) -
         in the middle of the afternoon... SIN? (11.35pm, Tue, C4)
         seriously proposes abandoning all technological progress for
         "ethical reasons"... BBC2 commemorate Louis Farrakhan being
         allowed into the country with an week of ISLAM UK (most
         evenings from Mon, BBC2), culminating in Laurence Llewelyn-
         Bowen changing his name to "Mohammed El-Shabbaz" to enhance
         the Moroccan ambience in HOME FRONT: ISLAM SPECIAL (8pm, Wed,
         BBC2)... and the Dando assassination has only intensified
         celebrities' search for lookalikes who could potentially stand
         in for them at risky public occasions like STARS AND THEIR
         DOUBLES (8.30pm, Thu, ITV) - presented by an uncannily
         convincing "Des O'Connor" and "Claire from Steps"...

         FILM>> it's space ghosts - coast to coast! - in what largely
         resembles a feature-length version of motion-capture classic
         "Starship Troopers: The Animated Series" (think Thunderbirds
         puppets re-enacting scenes from "Aliens") being possessed by
         a near-comprehensible anime plot in FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS
         WITHIN (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/finalfantasy.htm :
         multitudes of new demons for nightmares; camera angles to
         force the viewer on the private areas of the characters; open
         mouth kissing; multiple bizarre creatures; glorification of
         Gaia with the powers of God; lengthy dialogue glorifying false
         god and belittling the righteous)... otherwise it's Steve "The
         Day Today" Coogan, Ben "Armstrong and Miller" Miller, Lena
         "Gossip" Headey, Jenny "Logan's Run" Agutter, Simon "Spaced"
         Pegg and Omar "Doctor Zhivago" Sharif - together at last! - in
         not-exactly-"Alan Partridge: The Movie" kiddie caper THE
         PAROLE OFFICER (http//www.bbfc.co.uk : rated 12 for moderate
         violence, sexual references, and language)... or otherwise
         self-explanatory Danish junior Dogme-95 animation HELP, I'M A
         FISH (imdb original title: the oddly Penelope-Pitstop-sounding
         HJAELP, JEG ER EN FISK)...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> a weirdly limited roll-out of the
         MCDONALDS CHICKEN MCCRISPY ("2 pieces of succulent bone-in
         chicken", UKP2.48) - based on KFC's anecdotal ethnic appeal,
         are they deliberately aiming it at the UK's black population?
         Still, nothing for the Colonel to get too worried about just
         yet - it's like a deep-fried Chicken Kiev without the garlic
         butter inside, and has "This product contains bones" written
         all over it like a bad cameo episode of Star Trek: TNG. Staff
         have so far politely declined our suggestions that it should
         be renamed the "Chicken McBoner", or that they should do a
         similarly breadcrumbed cutlet called the "Ally McVeal"... we
         did see an attempted McFlurry rival - the AVALANCHE - in what
         may well be KFC's "flagship" store in Leicester Square (with
         M&Ms and Starburst Joosters sprinkle options), but Micky D's
         continue to push the envelope here with the recent sundae-
         repurposing MCDRIZZLE SHAKES (mmm, hot fudge sauce), the
         bizarre ICED MOCHA (with huge chunks of *real ice!*), and our
         product of the month, the STRAWBERRY CRUNCH MCFLURRY, with
         lots of jammy sauce and slightly salty digestive biscuit. On a
         completely unrelated note, thanks to both PETER FLINT and
         SIMON GREENWOOD for spotting that the terms and conditions
         linked to in NTK 2000-06-15 http://www.mcdonalds.com/legal/
         contain the trademark "McDonald's All American High School
         Jazz Bank" - a phrase whose non-appearance elsewhere on Google
         leads one to suspect it may be "a misprint", but for what? Not
         "Jizz", surely?... back with sweets, a muted "s'alright I
         suppose" for CADBURY'S STRAWBERRY BUTTONS (only seen in
         Budgen's 7-11 stores so far), ROWNTREE'S bigger-than-Jelly-
         Belly MEGABEANS (the "Oingy Boingy" TV ad is a remake of the
         "All Your Base" video, maintains JOHN HANDELAAR), while the
         M&M'S CRISPS debate rages on. "They have had them in the
         states for ages and they are truly grim", advised CHARLOTTE
         LATIMER, "like sugar and chocolate covered ricicles, with
         sugar. Yuck", before going on to semi-recommend FRUITELLA
         JELLIES (25p/bag, "like little jelly beans that have had floor
         sweepings mixed in at the liquid stage - possibly the weirdest
         thing to pass my lips in a long time") and continental import
         HARIBO MAOAM STRIPES (UKP1 for bag of 12, "they are not
         stripey though, just very chewy and a very awkward shape to
         get in your mouth")... ALETHA MCHALICK confirmed that the
         centre of an M&M Crisp "is def[initely] NOT like a Malteser,
         it's horribly dry and slightly stale-tasting, like old rice
         crackers if anything at all", echoing the Proustian reverie of
         SUSAN CASEY, whose office snacks on "brandy snaps; panforte de
         Siena, going to war cake for 13th century Italians; plain
         Choco Leibniz, the philosopher's biscuit (bump up your IQ with
         a tonne of sugar); and [of course] orange-flavoured cardboard-
         coloured fish-shaped biscuits, 1cm long, from Muji, sadly
         discontinued". To which we can only add: watch out for NESTLE
         QUALITY STREET'S THE BIG PURPLE ONE (35p each, due Christmas),
         MARS "HARRY POTTER" BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR BEANS (39p, due
         September), plus CHICAGO TOWN CRAVINGS PIZZAS for pregnant
         women, with "Pineapple, Gerkin and Chocolate", "Egg, Cheese
         and Pickle", and "Fruit and Chocolate" toppings (UKP1.99)...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                              "an afterthought"
          http://www.bbspot.com/Features/2001/08/Top_11_ballmer_vid.html


                                 NEED TO KNOW
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