Need To Know 2001-09-28

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"Of course, this big Blackberry is not a fruit at all. You can't turn it into jam and spread it on your toast. No, it is a wireless pager that can send and receive e-mail." - BBC NEWS online technology correspondent ALAN PARTRIDGE reports http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/in_depth/sci_tech - oh, forget it http://makeashorterlink.com/?D1412401 >> HARD NEWS << naif rubes JACK STRAW, now Foreign Secretary, took time out from battling terror to put a bit of blame where it really lies: the secret, pro-encryption agenda of Radio Four's Today programme. Apparently, when Jack was at the Home Office, Radio 4 together with "large parts of the industry, backed by some people who I think will now recognise they were very naive in retrospect, said: 'You mustn't do [key escrow]'." And *that*, gentlemen, is how terrorists are made. Jack: reckon you're busy, but let's go over this one more time, shall we? When you wanted every citizen to hand over their private keys to all their communications, your opponents didn't say you shouldn't because it was "unnecessary". They said it was "stupid" and "self-defeating". Rather than making everyone safer, it'd make those law-abiding citizens who were forced to use your crippled system ridiculously vulnerable to attack. And meanwhile, even if terrorists did use digital encryption they wouldn't be using *your* encryption, would they? They'd be using the proper, non-Jack-approved, unbreakable kind. And, if you'd just let us finish, Foreign Secretary, who the hell is recognising "that they were very naive"? Phil Zimmermann, who gently (but firmly) denies the Washington Post reports that he felt guilty about PGP? All the other groups who at this point are *still* warning about the dangers of catastrophically reducing the security of our citizens? Or is it those politicians who repeat the briefings of their security services without thinking why they're looking to shift the blame right now? How long before that looks "very naive in retrospect"? www.bbc.co.uk/cgi-bin/radio4/today/listen/audiosearch.pl?ProgID=1001686858 - twelve minutes in http://www.philzimmermann.com/news-Response_WashPost.shtml - ten years on It's what the record industry warned us about: No sooner had news of the British release copy-protected Michael Jackson promo CD leaked out, than bootleg copies of that story began to spread everywhere! More horrifying still, it turns out that until somebody implements the EU COPYRIGHT DIRECTIVE researchers here are *still* allowed to examine the new copyright protection for bugs. This week, the CAMPAIGN FOR DIGITAL RIGHTS people have been looking at the system installed on the CHARLEY PRIDE import CD. They're coming to the conclusion that not only do these CDs not work on normal CD-ROM drives, the technique could make them more prone to skip or click in standalone CD players too. Good god - if this information is permitted to be redistributed, the poor music industry will never be able to profit off only-mildly-crippled commercial products. Where's the justice in that? Sadly, The Campaign For Digital Rights will be fearlessly pirating this information on their disgustingly free leaflets on OCTOBER 6TH. As well as volunteers for that cause, they're also looking for "in the field" reports of CDs that look to have copyright protection installed: send your details to dodgy-cd@uk.eurorights.org . Possible candidates already include, "One Wild Night by Bon Jovi, and a free Pet Shop Boys CD given away by The Daily Telegraph", according to one NTK subscriber, who wishes to remain anonymous. Well, we assume that he does. http://uk.eurorights.org/issues/cd/charley_pride.shtml - nothing to do with the cat in the public information films http://uk.eurorights.org/calendar/ - the CDR says "meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow" http://www.rootme.org/sounds/bsatruce.mp3 - peace in our time! http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohnme.gif - bands may even be forced to "copyright" all their music So who *is* to blame for the world not taking cybercrime seriously? Well, if our Worst "BBC Graphic Depicting Hacking (Or Other Scientific Subject) Contest" mailbag could speak, we're sure it would scream "Overstretched Web Designers". After, of course, it had vomitted the following for your inspection: "It may lack the simple charm of the napping Jamie Oliver at http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1410000/images/_1411682_broadband_300scene.jpg, writes topical ALAN CONNOR, "but there's something prizeworthy about http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1565000/images/_1568254_snooping300.jpg " Nice try, Alan, but we're trying to starve Jack Straw of the oxygen of publicity here. HENRY BLOOMFIELD takes another tack, drawing us to a simpler time, where the "classic, 1999-vintage" http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_417000/417408.stm contrasts with a dull, unintelligible graphic from 1998: http://news6.thdo.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_41000/41533.stm " Inspiring though those ancients are, it's the modern schools which draw the big crowds now, as ANON praises the surreal beauty of "giant Laden-hunting iMacs eating a satellite" at http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1548000/1548860.stm Strong challengers all: but it's DORIAN MCFARLAND who pins down the ineluctable spirit of BBC literalness. Awed silence please, for the perfect illustration of the headline "Are Computer Viruses Unstoppable?". Featuring a computer, the word "virus", and a hand, we can only guess, trying to stop it. Bravo. http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_737000/737396.stm - anti-news continues to welcome your contributions >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious JAMIE OLIVER - file under science fiction, or science FACT?: http://www.whsmith.co.uk/whs/Go.asp?BIC=bFGJ - vs terrifying POLENTA-based techno-thriller (scroll down page for reviews): http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?isbn=0446603406 ... hang on - so you can pay your BT Openworld bills ONLINE?: http://www.vnunet.com/News/1125622 ... but Solent Green - is people!: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohkangoo.gif ... documentary channels' ratings-battle starts to hot up: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohbox.gif ... reassuringly, http://www.dnotice.org.uk/secretary.htm uses HOTMAIL account ... DK MATAI, of "security firm" mi2g, still living in Middle Ages: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/21814.html - vs: http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now1203.txt&line=6#l ... "NO LINKS are permitted TO or FROM any page" apologises: http://www.spia.com/THESPANISHWORLD/ ... falco DEEPEND - just as Kimberly-Clark were going to launch the popular "Depends" brand of adult incontinence diapers over here as well... YAHOO miss their big chance for a "We are them. Really, we are" gag: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010921/12/c4svw.html ... WIPO rules that it's "inconceivable" that fucknetscape.com could have "anything to do with a company of such high repute as [AOL]": http://arbiter.wipo.int/domains/decisions/html/2001/d2001-0918.html ... http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.17.2002.html imitated http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-microsoftsplit.html - sorry... it's just good to know you're on the case, OFTEL: http://www.oftel.gov.uk/consumer/advice/FAQs/intfaq3.htm ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful You know, we enjoyed that last "Strange Attractor" event so much [NTK 2001-08-31], we agreed to "do a talk" at the next one, though now we find out their DIGITAL UNDERGROUND night (from 7.30pm, Tue 2001-10-02, the "Horse Hospital", London WC1, UKP6) is nothing to do with the early '90s "Humpty Dance" funk-rap crew, and is all about hackers or something. Anyway, along with sessions from the 802.11-friendly Consume.Net and the always-entertaining Heath Bunting, NTK's so-called "Dave Green" will be discussing "Exploitable Vulnerabilities In The Mainstream And Technology Media", with the aid of funny screenshots from our back-issues archive. While we're shamelessly promoting NTK contributors' personal side- projects, consider this fair warning that Ben Moor is presenting a short straight-outta-Edinburgh season of his whimsical comedy narratives A SUPERCOLLIDER FOR THE FAMILY (8pm Wed 2001-10-03 & Thu 2001-10-04, 6pm Sun 2001-10-07, The Pleasance, London N7, from UKP5) plus THREE WISHES (8pm, Fri 2001-10-05 & Sat 2001-10-06, same venue) - in which, following the high-energy physics/ parallel universe theorising of his previous shows, our hero shares the stage with an even more exotic phenomenon: a real live girl. http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/talks.html - there's *always* been a recycling aspect to Heath's net.art http://www.whatsonstage.com/uktw/page.php?page=details&id=L0861719504 - more info at http://www.spesh.com/ben/wishespress.html http://www.games-workshop.com/gamesday/ - imitates Onion's "Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails" http://www.insound.com/annex/resfestLondon.cfm - "Ya Mama" video shown in London for "first time in the US" >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering People often ask: "Hey, NTK, what's your 'secret'? How come you always know what's up on the zaniest, most erratically updated Onion-alike satire sites which no-one else can ever be bothered to go back to?" And we say: well, obviously the readers mail us the good ones - and then we feed them to GAGPIPE.COM, the Moreover-style headline aggregator which currently scans about 30 comedy sites a day. The results of which you can now view in public beta, to commemorate the recent return of both the tech-oriented "SatireWire" and the equally self-explanatory "Dotcock" - or perhaps compare the relative merits of The Onion's tentatively heartfelt "American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie" and the National Lampoon's "Hollywood Braces for Even More Ridiculous Action Films". And what's in it for us? Well, let's just say the lazy journalist community has done *a lot* for us in the past. It's great to be able to give something back. http://www.gagpipe.com/ - imitates http://www.squealnewspig.com/websites1.html >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista US corporate anthem set to (now-unused?) tune of BUDWEISER "Wrecking Ball" ad: http://www.americastandstall.net/ - vs http://www.poprevolution.co.uk/mp3/cassetteboy_-_blair_vs_bush.mp3 ... can you spot the real NATIONAL HIGH-TECH CRIME UNIT?: http://www.nltcu.co.uk/ vs http://www.nhtcu.org/ ... stealth intro of non-anonymous cash: http://www.doshtracker.co.uk/ ... and the *really* good news is - the BBC aren't going to sue them: http://www.hallmundur.com/bbc/ ... LUXO JR - the game: http://www.virtools.com/applications/technology-lamp3.asp ... clear-thinking JACK CHICK provides handy link to "Scientific Errors in The Koran": http://www.chick.com/articles/sept11.asp ...scanning 2m porn pics for hidden messages? They'll go BLIND: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1555000/1555981.stm .. SONY to advertise UKP199 PS2 with continued use of "The Third Place" slogan - third place after Gamecube and X-Box?... "first casualty of war is irony", claim Americans - ironic, given their notorious inability to grasp the concept anyway: http://www.time.com/time/covers/1101010924/esroger.html , http://chicagotribune.com/features/chi-0109210010sep21.column ... s/bush/moron/g : http://www.presidentmoron.com/ ... admit it, you'd always wondered who MAC USERS could laugh at and look down on: http://lowendmac.com/lite/01/0924.html ... life imitates Kramer's "Bro" from SEINFELD: http://www.manties.net/ ... swear-words in Dutch and Swedish - a comparative review: http://www.santesson.com/enedcurs.htm ... >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> whether it's preparation for next week's Spielberg shoot- 'em-up BAND OF BROTHERS (8.30pm, Fri, BBC2) - or something altogether more sinister - it's WW2 all over your TV again, with David McCallum trench-from-Star-Wars semi-inspiration MOSQUITO SQUADRON (7.50pm, Sat, BBC2) - last shown Feb 1999; naval epic BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE (8.05pm, Sun, BBC2); Melanie Griffith vs the Nazis nonsense SHINING THROUGH (9pm, Mon, C5); MEMPHIS BELLE (9pm, Wed, C5) leading into THE EAGLE HAS LANDED (11.30pm, Wed, ITV1); and, presumably as some twisted "Enigma" movie tie-in, an agonisingly extended repeat of STATION X (6.55pm, Sat, C4)... non-global-conflict-themed entertainment is largely restricted to TOP TEN TV COPS (10.20pm, Sat, C4) - presumably not featuring Reeves and Mortimer's inexplicably re-resurrected vanity project RANDALL AND HOPKIRK DECEASED (9pm, Sat, BBC1); the postponed STRANGE DAYS (11.05pm, Sat, BBC2); plus the "We Have Explosive" bit of MORTAL KOMBAT II: ANNIHILATION (9pm, Sun, C5) - last shown Nov 2000... C4 and BBC1 go head-to-head on Sunday with Melanie Griffith - again! - playing a kind-hearted prostitute math teacher in MILK MONEY (10.55pm, Sun, BBC1), while Demi Moore starts killing her career in STRIPTEASE (10.20pm, Sun, C4)... fear not, Lucas and Walliams get a lot more offensive than the opening Elton John episode of the-long-overdue-on-terrestrial ROCK PROFILES (11.25pm, Sun, BBC2)... and there's a chance to cheer for the desert-dwelling underdogs in the cheap-looking unnecessary CGI TV remake of the movie of FRANK HERBERT'S DUNE (10pm, Mon, Sci-Fi)... C4 screens teen-murder classic HEATHERS (11.50pm, Mon, C4) and leaves the real moron-fodder to patchy Adam Sandler "Billy Elliot" prequel BILLY MADISON (10.35pm, Wed, BBC1)... CHEER FOR CHARLIE (9pm, Thu, BBC1) transforms that annoying "Ground Force" woman into a trapeze artist, without addressing whether, after extensive vocal training, she might have some sort of future as a TV presenter... Jay Mohr semi-satirises Hollywood in the short-lived ACTION (12.05am, Thu, C4)... as Anne Heche gets her kit off - again - in nerd romance PIE IN THE SKY (12.40am, Thu, BBC1)... FILM>> it's "Alan Turing In Love" - and this time, he's not gay! - featuring Saffron "Deep Blue Sea" Burrows, Kate "looks like Saffy from AbFab" Winslet, Dougray "MI:2" Scott, Jeremy "The Net" Northam, Mick "Freejack" Jagger *and* the producer of "Wayne's World" - together at last! - in stately "U571"-as- made-by-the-"Inspector Morse"-team WW2 crypto-mystery ENIGMA (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Passed '15' for strong language). Oh, OK then - according to the book, he's not really supposed to be Turing, who was "away" when all this took place... damn, if only we hadn't just used that "together at last" gag, it would have been perfect for the long-awaited collaboration between Ed "Fight Club" Norton, Marlon "Island of Dr Moreau" Brando, Robert "Meet The Parents" De Niro and Angela "Strange Days" Bassett, as Frank "In And Out" Oz proves - perhaps a little late in his career - that he can make a competently uninspired "one last heist" movie in the form of THE SCORE (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/the_score.html : It's possible some kids could be enticed to try their hand at cracking safes; [Norton] poses as having cerebral palsy or something)... while Steve "ReBoot" Barron, director of "Electric Dreams", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and A-Ha's "Take On Me" video, continues his intriguing career path with Brit footy-comedy mockumentary MIKE BASSETT: ENGLAND MANAGER (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Passed '15' for strong language)... RED BOOK AUDIO>> not much action in terms of "songs off TV ads that sound like other songs" recently, although the ever- vigilant ADRIAN MOULDER elaborately alleged that Vodafone have used the DANDY WARHOLS' "Start Me Up"-soundalike "Bohemian Like You" on their current campaign without realising that "the lyrics are actually an implicit critique of the whole Nathan Barley mobile-phone-owning lifestyle". Back on more familiar territory, a reader identifying themselves only as "BENJAMIN" thought LOUISE's "Stuck In The Middle" cover version "*really* sounds like the music from Carnival Night Zone in Sonic Hedgehog 3 on the Megadrive" - while surely we're not the only ones to have noticed what appears to be an old "R-Type" coin-op playing the synth arpeggios on MUSE's recent chart flop "Bliss"... seeing off fierce competition for the post of honorary NTK "Belle and Sebastian" correspondent, DANIEL BUTT felt the need to point out that the band's recent Peel session contained the (as yet) unreleased track "The Magic Of A Kind Word", whose chorus "nicks both lyrics and melody from 'Stop!' by the Spice Girls". We remain equally convinced that the radio mix of INDIA ARIE's "Brown Skin" is merely a better sung version of "All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl Crow, and that, at 1:18 into CAKE's next single, "Short Skirt, Long Jacket", you can hear the distinctive riff from the chorus to "Since You've Been Gone" by RAINBOW... over with magazine covermounts, theatre's BEN MOOR eschewed the "bubble gummy fun" "Selecta" selection bagged with the new issue of J17 (UKP2), preferring the "One For The Road" compilation on the front of NEW WOMAN (UKP2.50), apparently on the strength of a "surprisingly good track by Deacon Blue" (thankfully, Ash and Darude appear on both). And finally, JOHN VANILLABEACH was moved to accuse frequent t-shirt and confectionery contributor (and composer of last year's official NTK corporate anthem: http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=2000/now0317.txt&line=316#l ), JOSH ROULSTON, of "pure jackassery". "I remember when I first met the guy. Me and DeLuca were sitting on the back of a '82 Cortina in my back yard. Mountain Dew was all the rage and I'd just sold my Amiga 600", Vanillabeach recalls. "Suddenly, this geezer wearing next-year's fashion and a sly grin appeared in the driveway clutching a cassette. Damned if Roulston didn't amaze us all with this surreal blend of musical trip, blending the best elements of Aphex Twin and a Kalashnikov. So where is he now? Last I heard he did something on obsess.com, but I can't be too sure". As ever, if you have any (non-libellous) Beat-poet-style recollections of other NTK readers, do feel free to mail them in. Friendsreunited.com has nothing on this... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "one of a kind" http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/14/dohie.gif NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/ (K) 2001 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.