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        "Of course, this big Blackberry is not a fruit at all. You
        can't turn it into jam and spread it on your toast. No, it is
        a wireless pager that can send and receive e-mail."
    - BBC NEWS online technology correspondent ALAN PARTRIDGE reports
 http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/in_depth/sci_tech - oh, forget it
                                http://makeashorterlink.com/?D1412401


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                  naif rubes

         JACK STRAW, now Foreign Secretary, took time out from
         battling terror to put a bit of blame where it really lies:
         the secret, pro-encryption agenda of Radio Four's Today
         programme. Apparently, when Jack was at the Home Office,
         Radio 4 together with "large parts of the industry, backed
         by some people who I think will now recognise they were very
         naive in retrospect, said: 'You mustn't do [key escrow]'."
         And *that*, gentlemen, is how terrorists are made. Jack:
         reckon you're busy, but let's go over this one more time,
         shall we? When you wanted every citizen to hand over their
         private keys to all their communications, your opponents
         didn't say you shouldn't because it was "unnecessary". They
         said it was "stupid" and "self-defeating". Rather than
         making everyone safer, it'd make those law-abiding citizens
         who were forced to use your crippled system ridiculously
         vulnerable to attack. And meanwhile, even if terrorists did
         use digital encryption they wouldn't be using *your*
         encryption, would they? They'd be using the proper,
         non-Jack-approved, unbreakable kind. And, if you'd just let
         us finish, Foreign Secretary, who the hell is recognising
         "that they were very naive"? Phil Zimmermann, who gently
         (but firmly) denies the Washington Post reports that he felt
         guilty about PGP? All the other groups who at this point are
         *still* warning about the dangers of catastrophically
         reducing the security of our citizens? Or is it those
         politicians who repeat the briefings of their security
         services without thinking why they're looking to shift the
         blame right now? How long before that looks "very naive in
         retrospect"?
www.bbc.co.uk/cgi-bin/radio4/today/listen/audiosearch.pl?ProgID=1001686858
                                                  - twelve minutes in
         http://www.philzimmermann.com/news-Response_WashPost.shtml
                                                       - ten years on

         It's what the record industry warned us about: No sooner had
         news of the British release copy-protected Michael Jackson
         promo CD leaked out, than bootleg copies of that story began
         to spread everywhere! More horrifying still, it turns out
         that until somebody implements the EU COPYRIGHT DIRECTIVE
         researchers here are *still* allowed to examine the new
         copyright protection for bugs. This week, the CAMPAIGN FOR
         DIGITAL RIGHTS people have been looking at the system
         installed on the CHARLEY PRIDE import CD. They're coming to
         the conclusion that not only do these CDs not work on normal
         CD-ROM drives, the technique could make them more prone to
         skip or click in standalone CD players too. Good god - if
         this information is permitted to be redistributed, the poor
         music industry will never be able to profit off
         only-mildly-crippled commercial products. Where's the
         justice in that?  Sadly, The Campaign For Digital Rights
         will be fearlessly pirating this information on their
         disgustingly free leaflets on OCTOBER 6TH. As well as
         volunteers for that cause, they're also looking for "in the
         field" reports of CDs that look to have copyright protection
         installed: send your details to dodgy-cd@uk.eurorights.org .
         Possible candidates already include, "One Wild Night by Bon
         Jovi, and a free Pet Shop Boys CD given away by The Daily
         Telegraph", according to one NTK subscriber,  who wishes to
         remain anonymous. Well, we assume that he does.
         http://uk.eurorights.org/issues/cd/charley_pride.shtml
         - nothing to do with the cat in the public information films
         http://uk.eurorights.org/calendar/
                        - the CDR says "meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow"
         http://www.rootme.org/sounds/bsatruce.mp3
                                                 - peace in our time!
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohnme.gif
           - bands may even be forced to "copyright" all their music

         So who *is* to blame for the world not taking cybercrime
         seriously? Well, if our Worst "BBC Graphic Depicting Hacking
         (Or Other Scientific Subject) Contest" mailbag could speak,
         we're sure it would scream "Overstretched Web Designers". After,
         of course, it had vomitted the following for your inspection:
         "It may lack the simple charm of the napping Jamie Oliver at
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1410000/images/_1411682_broadband_300scene.jpg,
         writes topical ALAN CONNOR, "but there's something prizeworthy about
  http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1565000/images/_1568254_snooping300.jpg "
         Nice try, Alan, but we're trying to starve Jack Straw of the
         oxygen of publicity here. HENRY BLOOMFIELD takes another tack,
         drawing us to a simpler time, where the "classic, 1999-vintage"
       http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_417000/417408.stm
         contrasts with a dull, unintelligible graphic from 1998:
http://news6.thdo.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_41000/41533.stm "
         Inspiring though those ancients are, it's the modern schools
         which draw the big crowds now, as ANON praises the surreal
         beauty of "giant Laden-hunting iMacs eating a satellite" at
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1548000/1548860.stm
         Strong challengers all: but it's DORIAN MCFARLAND who pins
         down the ineluctable spirit of BBC literalness. Awed silence
         please, for the perfect illustration of the headline "Are
         Computer Viruses Unstoppable?". Featuring a computer, the word
         "virus", and a hand, we can only guess, trying to stop it. Bravo.
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_737000/737396.stm
                  - anti-news continues to welcome your contributions


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         JAMIE OLIVER - file under science fiction, or science FACT?:
         http://www.whsmith.co.uk/whs/Go.asp?BIC=bFGJ - vs terrifying
         POLENTA-based techno-thriller (scroll down page for reviews):
 http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?isbn=0446603406
         ... hang on - so you can pay your BT Openworld bills ONLINE?:
         http://www.vnunet.com/News/1125622 ... but Solent Green - is
         people!: http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohkangoo.gif ...
         documentary channels' ratings-battle starts to hot up:
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/28/dohbox.gif ... reassuringly,
         http://www.dnotice.org.uk/secretary.htm uses HOTMAIL account
         ... DK MATAI, of "security firm" mi2g, still living in Middle
         Ages: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/21814.html - vs:
        http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now1203.txt&line=6#l
         ... "NO LINKS are permitted TO or FROM any page" apologises:
         http://www.spia.com/THESPANISHWORLD/ ... falco DEEPEND - just
         as Kimberly-Clark were going to launch the popular "Depends"
         brand of adult incontinence diapers over here as well... YAHOO
         miss their big chance for a "We are them. Really, we are" gag:
         http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010921/12/c4svw.html ... WIPO rules
         that it's "inconceivable" that fucknetscape.com could have
         "anything to do with a company of such high repute as [AOL]":
      http://arbiter.wipo.int/domains/decisions/html/2001/d2001-0918.html
       ... http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.17.2002.html imitated
         http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-microsoftsplit.html
         - sorry... it's just good to know you're on the case, OFTEL:
         http://www.oftel.gov.uk/consumer/advice/FAQs/intfaq3.htm ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         You know, we enjoyed that last "Strange Attractor" event so
         much [NTK 2001-08-31], we agreed to "do a talk" at the next
         one, though now we find out their DIGITAL UNDERGROUND night
         (from 7.30pm, Tue 2001-10-02, the "Horse Hospital", London
         WC1, UKP6) is nothing to do with the early '90s "Humpty Dance"
         funk-rap crew, and is all about hackers or something. Anyway,
         along with sessions from the 802.11-friendly Consume.Net and
         the always-entertaining Heath Bunting, NTK's so-called "Dave
         Green" will be discussing "Exploitable Vulnerabilities In The
         Mainstream And Technology Media", with the aid of funny
         screenshots from our back-issues archive. While we're
         shamelessly promoting NTK contributors' personal side-
         projects, consider this fair warning that Ben Moor is
         presenting a short straight-outta-Edinburgh season of his
         whimsical comedy narratives A SUPERCOLLIDER FOR THE FAMILY
         (8pm Wed 2001-10-03 & Thu 2001-10-04, 6pm Sun 2001-10-07, The
         Pleasance, London N7, from UKP5) plus THREE WISHES (8pm, Fri
         2001-10-05 & Sat 2001-10-06, same venue) - in which, following
         the high-energy physics/ parallel universe theorising of his
         previous shows, our hero shares the stage with an even more
         exotic phenomenon: a real live girl.
         http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/talks.html
         - there's *always* been a recycling aspect to Heath's net.art
 http://www.whatsonstage.com/uktw/page.php?page=details&id=L0861719504
              - more info at http://www.spesh.com/ben/wishespress.html
         http://www.games-workshop.com/gamesday/
         - imitates Onion's "Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails"
         http://www.insound.com/annex/resfestLondon.cfm
          - "Ya Mama" video shown in London for "first time in the US"


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         People often ask: "Hey, NTK, what's your 'secret'? How come
         you always know what's up on the zaniest, most erratically
         updated Onion-alike satire sites which no-one else can ever
         be bothered to go back to?" And we say: well, obviously the
         readers mail us the good ones - and then we feed them to
         GAGPIPE.COM, the Moreover-style headline aggregator which
         currently scans about 30 comedy sites a day. The results of
         which you can now view in public beta, to commemorate the
         recent return of both the tech-oriented "SatireWire" and the
         equally self-explanatory "Dotcock" - or perhaps compare the
         relative merits of The Onion's tentatively heartfelt "American
         Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie" and the National
         Lampoon's "Hollywood Braces for Even More Ridiculous Action
         Films". And what's in it for us? Well, let's just say the lazy
         journalist community has done *a lot* for us in the past. It's
         great to be able to give something back.
         http://www.gagpipe.com/
         - imitates http://www.squealnewspig.com/websites1.html


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         US corporate anthem set to (now-unused?) tune of BUDWEISER
         "Wrecking Ball" ad: http://www.americastandstall.net/ - vs
   http://www.poprevolution.co.uk/mp3/cassetteboy_-_blair_vs_bush.mp3
         ... can you spot the real NATIONAL HIGH-TECH CRIME UNIT?:
         http://www.nltcu.co.uk/ vs http://www.nhtcu.org/ ... stealth
         intro of non-anonymous cash: http://www.doshtracker.co.uk/ ...
         and the *really* good news is - the BBC aren't going to sue
         them: http://www.hallmundur.com/bbc/ ... LUXO JR - the game:
         http://www.virtools.com/applications/technology-lamp3.asp ...
         clear-thinking JACK CHICK provides handy link to "Scientific
         Errors in The Koran": http://www.chick.com/articles/sept11.asp
         ...scanning 2m porn pics for hidden messages? They'll go BLIND:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1555000/1555981.stm
         .. SONY to advertise UKP199 PS2 with continued use of "The
         Third Place" slogan - third place after Gamecube and X-Box?...
         "first casualty of war is irony", claim Americans - ironic,
         given their notorious inability to grasp the concept anyway:
         http://www.time.com/time/covers/1101010924/esroger.html ,
         http://chicagotribune.com/features/chi-0109210010sep21.column
         ... s/bush/moron/g : http://www.presidentmoron.com/ ... admit
         it, you'd always wondered who MAC USERS could laugh at and
         look down on: http://lowendmac.com/lite/01/0924.html ... life
         imitates Kramer's "Bro" from SEINFELD: http://www.manties.net/
         ... swear-words in Dutch and Swedish - a comparative review:
         http://www.santesson.com/enedcurs.htm ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                 get out less

         TV>> whether it's preparation for next week's Spielberg shoot-
         'em-up BAND OF BROTHERS (8.30pm, Fri, BBC2) - or something
         altogether more sinister - it's WW2 all over your TV again,
         with David McCallum trench-from-Star-Wars semi-inspiration
         MOSQUITO SQUADRON (7.50pm, Sat, BBC2) - last shown Feb 1999;
         naval epic BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE (8.05pm, Sun, BBC2);
         Melanie Griffith vs the Nazis nonsense SHINING THROUGH (9pm,
         Mon, C5); MEMPHIS BELLE (9pm, Wed, C5) leading into THE EAGLE
         HAS LANDED (11.30pm, Wed, ITV1); and, presumably as some
         twisted "Enigma" movie tie-in, an agonisingly extended repeat
         of STATION X (6.55pm, Sat, C4)... non-global-conflict-themed
         entertainment is largely restricted to TOP TEN TV COPS
         (10.20pm, Sat, C4) - presumably not featuring Reeves and
         Mortimer's inexplicably re-resurrected vanity project RANDALL
         AND HOPKIRK DECEASED (9pm, Sat, BBC1); the postponed STRANGE
         DAYS (11.05pm, Sat, BBC2); plus the "We Have Explosive" bit of
         MORTAL KOMBAT II: ANNIHILATION (9pm, Sun, C5) - last shown Nov
         2000... C4 and BBC1 go head-to-head on Sunday with Melanie
         Griffith - again! - playing a kind-hearted prostitute math
         teacher in MILK MONEY (10.55pm, Sun, BBC1), while Demi Moore
         starts killing her career in STRIPTEASE (10.20pm, Sun, C4)...
         fear not, Lucas and Walliams get a lot more offensive than the
         opening Elton John episode of the-long-overdue-on-terrestrial
         ROCK PROFILES (11.25pm, Sun, BBC2)... and there's a chance to
         cheer for the desert-dwelling underdogs in the cheap-looking
         unnecessary CGI TV remake of the movie of FRANK HERBERT'S DUNE
         (10pm, Mon, Sci-Fi)... C4 screens teen-murder classic HEATHERS
         (11.50pm, Mon, C4) and leaves the real moron-fodder to patchy
         Adam Sandler "Billy Elliot" prequel BILLY MADISON (10.35pm,
         Wed, BBC1)... CHEER FOR CHARLIE (9pm, Thu, BBC1) transforms
         that annoying "Ground Force" woman into a trapeze artist,
         without addressing whether, after extensive vocal training,
         she might have some sort of future as a TV presenter... Jay
         Mohr semi-satirises Hollywood in the short-lived ACTION
         (12.05am, Thu, C4)... as Anne Heche gets her kit off - again
         - in nerd romance PIE IN THE SKY (12.40am, Thu, BBC1)...

         FILM>> it's "Alan Turing In Love" - and this time, he's not
         gay! - featuring Saffron "Deep Blue Sea" Burrows, Kate "looks
         like Saffy from AbFab" Winslet, Dougray "MI:2" Scott, Jeremy
         "The Net" Northam, Mick "Freejack" Jagger *and* the producer
         of "Wayne's World" - together at last! - in stately "U571"-as-
         made-by-the-"Inspector Morse"-team WW2 crypto-mystery ENIGMA
         (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Passed '15' for strong language).
         Oh, OK then - according to the book, he's not really supposed
         to be Turing, who was "away" when all this took place... damn,
         if only we hadn't just used that "together at last" gag, it
         would have been perfect for the long-awaited collaboration
         between Ed "Fight Club" Norton, Marlon "Island of Dr Moreau"
         Brando, Robert "Meet The Parents" De Niro and Angela "Strange
         Days" Bassett, as Frank "In And Out" Oz proves - perhaps a
         little late in his career - that he can make a competently
         uninspired "one last heist" movie in the form of THE SCORE
         (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/the_score.html : It's
         possible some kids could be enticed to try their hand at
         cracking safes; [Norton] poses as having cerebral palsy or
         something)... while Steve "ReBoot" Barron, director of
         "Electric Dreams", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and A-Ha's
         "Take On Me" video, continues his intriguing career path with
         Brit footy-comedy mockumentary MIKE BASSETT: ENGLAND MANAGER
         (http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Passed '15' for strong language)...

         RED BOOK AUDIO>> not much action in terms of "songs off TV
         ads that sound like other songs" recently, although the ever-
         vigilant ADRIAN MOULDER elaborately alleged that Vodafone have
         used the DANDY WARHOLS' "Start Me Up"-soundalike "Bohemian
         Like You" on their current campaign without realising that
         "the lyrics are actually an implicit critique of the whole
         Nathan Barley mobile-phone-owning lifestyle". Back on more
         familiar territory, a reader identifying themselves only as
         "BENJAMIN" thought LOUISE's "Stuck In The Middle" cover
         version "*really* sounds like the music from Carnival Night
         Zone in Sonic Hedgehog 3 on the Megadrive" - while surely
         we're not the only ones to have noticed what appears to be an
         old "R-Type" coin-op playing the synth arpeggios on MUSE's
         recent chart flop "Bliss"... seeing off fierce competition for
         the post of honorary NTK "Belle and Sebastian" correspondent,
         DANIEL BUTT felt the need to point out that the band's recent
         Peel session contained the (as yet) unreleased track "The
         Magic Of A Kind Word", whose chorus "nicks both lyrics and
         melody from 'Stop!' by the Spice Girls". We remain equally
         convinced that the radio mix of INDIA ARIE's "Brown Skin" is
         merely a better sung version of "All I Wanna Do" by Sheryl
         Crow, and that, at 1:18 into CAKE's next single, "Short Skirt,
         Long Jacket", you can hear the distinctive riff from the
         chorus to "Since You've Been Gone" by RAINBOW... over with
         magazine covermounts, theatre's BEN MOOR eschewed the "bubble
         gummy fun" "Selecta" selection bagged with the new issue of
         J17 (UKP2), preferring the "One For The Road" compilation on
         the front of NEW WOMAN (UKP2.50), apparently on the strength
         of a "surprisingly good track by Deacon Blue" (thankfully, Ash
         and Darude appear on both). And finally, JOHN VANILLABEACH was
         moved to accuse frequent t-shirt and confectionery contributor
         (and composer of last year's official NTK corporate anthem:
        http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=2000/now0317.txt&line=316#l ),
         JOSH ROULSTON, of "pure jackassery". "I remember when I first
         met the guy. Me and DeLuca were sitting on the back of a '82
         Cortina in my back yard. Mountain Dew was all the rage and I'd
         just sold my Amiga 600", Vanillabeach recalls. "Suddenly, this
         geezer wearing next-year's fashion and a sly grin appeared in
         the driveway clutching a cassette. Damned if Roulston didn't
         amaze us all with this surreal blend of musical trip, blending
         the best elements of Aphex Twin and a Kalashnikov. So where is
         he now? Last I heard he did something on obsess.com, but I
         can't be too sure". As ever, if you have any (non-libellous)
         Beat-poet-style recollections of other NTK readers, do feel free
         to mail them in. Friendsreunited.com has nothing on this...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                                "one of a kind"
                    http://www.ntk.net/2001/09/14/dohie.gif

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