"New robot Fido doubles as a Dildo"
...conversely, this robot version of the singer "Dido" doubles as a Filofax!
>> HARD NEWS <<
as they says, not as they dos
If the RIAA is so keen to remunerate working musicians, why
doesn't it pay mariachi bands to drown out academic seminars
it doesn't want heard? It'd do as much good as the legal
threats they're directing against anyone who speaks on the
Secure Digital Media Initiative's weaknesses - and, may, we
think, add a much needed air of calm and dignity to the
RIAA's thrashing. The RIAA's requirement that this week's
conference - on "Information Hiding" - destroy all evidence
of one of their sessions, was cringingly misplaced. And
their apparent amazement that people were using zipfiles
(the MP3s of scienze dudez) to "hide" the secret information
of the evil researchers all over the Net was just
embarrassing. What did they think was going to happen? That
the authors of the squelched paper would shut down the
pirate sites until they agreed to pay as dearly for their
freedoms as the scientific community is right now?
- LA LA LA! You too, Lars, everyone KEEP SINGING
- we shall, we shall not be cp'ed
Weirdly, the media seem to have some sort of vested interest
in claiming that next Tuesday's MAYDAY MONOPOLY festivities
have been extensively infiltrated and distorted by ultra-
violent agitators (and they don't mean "the police"!). Given
this, it's odd they're not encouraging people to pursue more
non-violent ways of protesting - "hacktivist" website
defacing, for example - especially as this currently poses
no particular threat compared to any other time of the year,
according to such noted and credible experts as DK Matai of
mi2g, who previously warned of "hackers precipitating Y2K
chaos by setting PC clocks forward" [see NTKs passim].
Handily enough, many new Windows 2000 users are even
labouring under "a false sense of security", as Graeme
Pinkney, of security firm Activis told THE REGISTER this
week; ah, mused shadowy exploit-watchers THE DATA AND
NETWORK SECURITY COUNCIL, that must be why Activis are
running a notably old version of Microsoft's
tried-and-tested IIS4 on their public webserver.
- violent anarchists with an interest in local history
- vs http://www.kumite.com/myths/opinion/thoughts/1999/mi2g.htm
- vs http://www.activis.com/ . Not literally, of course...
Not unexpected news on that LEONARD CHESHIRE [NTK
2001-03-09] case. We always suspected that the disabled
"interventionist artists" running this anti-institutional
site might not get to keep the domain. Handy tip to
domain-activists: offering to sell the domain back to the
Complainant for forty grand looks bad to the WIPO, even if
you're offering the site as a work of art, and plan to spend
the cash on a disabled holocaust memorial. However, it *is*
good to report that even as the WIPO passed the domain back,
all the other leonard cheshire domains were snapped up by
other disability activists with more activism planned. We at
least suspect this group of subversive net.artists might not
use inaccessible frames and bloody Flash everywhere.
- "evil that is Leonard Cheshire" probably ill-advised
- we've heard the RNIB's after a usability test court case too
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
JEFF BUCKLEY hates piracy just as much as when he died in
1997: http://www.artistsagainstpiracy.com/artists/a_i.html ...
lets you search for articles from year 2021 ... not to be
confused with "Eamonn Holmes" (two n's) off breakfast TV:
http://www.gaydar.co.uk/eamonholmes ... US rock guitarist "is
free" for gigs: http://www.johninman.com/ ... meet the
SEETHRU fans: http://www.sadfuck.com/seethrugallery/ ... WIRED
congratulate Declan on his "dearth of information" (6:45):
... http://www.cybernanny.net/ promised all the functionality
of Windows FIND... http://www.oodlebee.com/ launching "Autumn
2000"... http://www.theschmews.com/issue5/home.asp imitates
("Student Rebels Against Capitalist Pig Father") as well as
Programme Uncovers Counterfeit Cars Scam")... leaving
London? MULTIMAP warn you're venturing into "great unknown":
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Spike Jonze documentaries! Cut scenes from PS2 games! Odd
fixations with Japanese animation, hip-hop, and Flash! Yes,
the Barley-o-meter peaks predictably off the scale at this
year's ONEDOTZERO digital film festival (from 5pm tonight, Fri
2001-04-27, London, the hated ICA), though they're also
showing the WILLIAM GIBSON docu NO MAPS FOR THESE TERRITORIES,
in which the soporific Canadian cyberdude is interviewed by a
Knight-Rider-style computer car whose GPS is on the blink
(hence the title) and starts picking up live satellite
transmissions from his pals Bono and The Edge out of U2.
Meanwhile, taking the alternative view that the salvation of
TV lies not in its future, but in its past, nostalgia-media
maniacs TV CREAM are relaunching their mailing list for a
"limited time only", enabling them to call it 31 DAYS IN MAY.
Hopefully it'll be up to the perilously obsessive standards of
their existing "TV Cream Times" listings service: "Saturday,
C4, 21.05: Top Ten Boy Bands. A repeated episode, and one I
didn't think we'd get again as it was presented by Paula
Yates. It hasn't been re-edited, so expect the links to make
quite uncomfortable viewing".
- oh, the Nathanity...
- also fans of BBC Choice cult "The RDA with John Gordillo"
- what digital filmmaking is really like. Well done! Good girl!
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
With their consistent indentation, neat modularisation, and
smarmy little Changelogs, even the suckiest open source
package makes an effort to be neat, clean and bug-free. And
by doing so, they say to "we live on a great old planet
that's W3C-diddly-Python perfect!" But let's be honest. Who
*really* scratches itches like that? Where are those freaky
scripts that gaffer our tattered pants to our sorry arses?
Those crazy, home-grown ideas, project-managed by Dr
Bourbon, with a deadline of dawn and a jeering audience of
one? You know damn well where they are - hiding at the
bottom of your ~/bin directory where no-one will ever see
them. Well, friend, JOEY RAMONE did not DIE so that FREE
SOFTWARE could become BOGGED DOWN in GLOSSY LIFELESS
PRODUCTION VALUES. Of that we can be certain. It's time you
sent your three-chord executables to DUMBCODE, the site
expressly designed to foster the stupid side of coding. It's
the moshpit freshmeat: processes that live fast, die young,
and leave zombies. Code that chroot jail's too good for. An
open source project that you don't have to wait "until I've
got time to document the features", because you ain't going
to do it - and we like you the way you are. Dumb.
- to wit: who hasn't quite grasped the "--exec" option to find(1), then?
>> MEMEPOOL <<
inquire of limewire
"Large-scale, Global Anti-capitalism Protests Putting Smaller,
Local, Anti-capitalism Protests Out Of Business" reports
funny-for-once http://www.urbanreflex.com/monopoly.html - vs
terrifying evidence of child-police using water-cannons:
http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/27/dohriot.jpg ... cheap, cheerful
CHEGGERS' LOAD BALANCING: http://zpin.com/chegbalance.htm ...
it's almost too plausible; something smells suspicious about:
http://www.bekkoame.ne.jp/ha/dins/index.english.html ... this
week's specialist in "Computer Accessories", "Heavy Duty
Equipments", and "Ladies' Fashion": http://www.symmic.com/ ...
fake AMAZON REVIEWER of the week - it's "Andrew Lloyd-Webber":
... Lucozade renamed LARAZADE... life imitates SOUTH PARK:
http://www.gaydog.co.uk/ ... LASTMINUTE imitates TVGOHOME:
... AMAZON disses solar power as mere "Religion & Spirituality":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0967189101/ ... we have
no joke here (just for a change) - we just liked the names:
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> annoyingly, they don't mention the specific RFC, but IN
THE NICK OF TIME (10.05am, Sat, BBC2) follows "a piece of
legislation forced through Brussels in record time that helped
Europe keep up with the Internet" (Radio Times)... SF:UK
(1.15am, Sat, C4) talks to Anthony "C3P0" Daniels as well as
Grant Morrison on his attempt to bring back "Dan Dare"... and,
in a wildly disturbing new trend, "Casualty" actors help out
an actual A&E ward in CASUALTY: GET REAL (9.05pm, Sat, BBC1) -
next week, Robbie Coltrane helps police psychologists profile
a sex killer!... an "edited for nudity" LOGAN'S RUN (2.45pm,
Sun, BBC2) gets its second showing since Dec 1999 - one
solution to the plague of OAP criminals depicted in CUTTING
EDGE: BUS PASS BANDITS (9pm, Tue, C4)... true conspiracy
theorists will see Jon Ronson's ineffectual new-world-order
jaunt THE SECRET RULERS OF THE WORLD (9pm, Sun, C4) as merely
another ad for his "Adventures With Extremists" book... while
Steven Seagal becomes the nakedly lethal chef in Andrew "The
Fugitive" Davis' Die-Hard-on-a-boat UNDER SIEGE (10.15pm, Sun,
BBC1)... THE AD FACTOR (11.20pm, Mon-Wed, BBC2) profiles
Psion, apparently still having problems matching the ages of
their typical users to those specified in their <alt> tags:
... Clint Eastwood shows no sign of relaxing his vice-like
grip on the schedules in WHERE EAGLES DARE (9pm, Tue, C5) -
last shown on BBC1 about 8 weeks ago... and Wednesday is 1980s
body-horror night (again), with the "Come To Daddy" video-
inspiring HELLRAISER (10.15pm, Wed, C5) leading nicely into
Cameron's interminably gung-ho ALIENS (12.05am, Wed, ITV)...
FILM>> it's the 50 year-old Steven Seagal, Tom "True Lies"
Arnold, plus DMX, one of the few rappers to have named himself
after a digital multiplexing system for controlling stage
lighting - together at last! - in hip-hop kung-fu chucklefest
EXIT WOUNDS (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/exitwounds.htm
: repeated full female nudity and vulgar dance while nude plus
some innuendo; woman in men's locker room; many, many gunfire
deaths/killings; rude arrogance; lies)... the same source also
warns that the "heterosexual immoralities are shadowed by the
homosexual presences" in lethargic Julia Roberts/ "Sopranos"
guy road movie THE MEXICAN (http://www.cndb.com : near the
beginning, we see [Brad Pitt's] oh-so-gorgeous bare back and
just the top of his bare butt as he sits on the edge of the
bed where Julia Roberts sleeps on the other side)... which
just leaves Ken "social conscience" Loach's Latino workers'
rights rabble-rouser BREAD AND ROSES (MPAA: rated R for strong
language and brief nudity) - intriguingly scheduled to either
encourage May Day protestors or keep them off the streets by
giving them a good excuse to go to the cinema instead...
CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> first up, apologies to T-shirt
purchasers who received a bafflingly unsolicited email from
our e-commerce associates CyberCandy this week, which has now
been traced to a misguided attempt to clarify the workings of
their opt-in update newsletter which they hadn't realised had
lost its opt-out button when they upgraded their shopping cart
software. Nonetheless, measures are being put in place to make
it slightly more difficult for NTK readers to purchase sweets
from them in future, to ensure that this sort of thing neither
goes unpunished nor ever happens again... anyway, not too
much to report in the basic sugar/chocolate department: an
anonymous source close to MARS observed that the "KIT-KAT
BALLS" spotted in NTK 2001-03-30 more accurately fit the
description of MALTESERS TEASERS, possibly to be launched with
a new Mars logo as part of "a vigorous marketing operation
from September"... while frozen comestibles enthusiast TOBY
"I led the great 1999 revolt against Calippo Shots" SLATER
described his initial encounter with WALLS' CORNETTO WHIPPY as
"a disappointment: the ice cream is nothing like Mr Whippy
(it's pretty much solid and *even more* synthetic-tasting than
its namesake)", and the enclosed chocolate bar bears "no
resemblance whatsoever to a Flake", more resembling a "five-
month-old offcut of Aero"... while another nameless tip-off
alleged that VIRGIN are due to launch "a 5-strong range of
dirty, Panda Cola flavoured rainbow coloured drinks, called V
COLOURS", and featuring "herbal extracts". Apparently, they
"all taste like shit"... other liquids to look out for include
ailing COCA-COLA'S attempts to expand into non-carbonated
beverages - a 500ml wide-mouth plastic bottle for OASIS and
new "still fruit drink" ALIVE - and ROWNTREE's 200g DRINKING
YOGHURT (UKP 1.59 for pack of 4); we prefer "Peach, Orange and
Apricot" over the artificial sweetener-alike "Strawberry",
plus it comes in a dinky little bottle that you can swig from
as if you were nonchalantly abusing cough medicine... but the
real action this month has been in spicy versions of savoury
snacks - JAKE LINGWOOD thought WALKERS FUNYUNS (27p) were
"good, in a sort of Onion Rings meets Skips sort of way", and
thus his "favourite new extruded corn snack", though, when
challenged over his implicit endorsement of Walkers/PepsiCo's
leverage of Smiths to dominate the UK crisps market, admitted
he may have been swayed by their "exquisite wordplay"...
there's strong word-of-mouth on the new "Salt and Vinegar" and
"Savoury Salted" flavours of QUAKER SNACK-A-JACKS (the
excellent "Barbecue" now also available in "Jumbo" size)...
the "New Tortilla" ones ("Nacho Cheese" and "Cool Chilli") are
the more interesting variants of HULA HOOPS XL (compared to
the as-you'd-expect "Curry" and "Beef & Mustard")... and you
can also look forward to "Nice 'N' Spicy" GOLDEN WONDER
CRISPS; "Smokey BBQ" and "Tangy Salsa" replacing "Cheese and
Onion" and "Cheese and Ham" KP MINI CHEDDARS; and Dennis-the-
Menace tie-in "Baked Beano" flavour KP SKIPS - all part of an
onslaught of new product development that also includes PEANUT
LION BAR, the unfortunately named FRUITELLA JELLIES, and a new
look, new recipe and new "Peach and Raspberry" flavour for
HALLS SOOTHERS, intended to appeal to the 50% of purchasers
"who don't just use them when they have a sore throat"...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
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