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         "Adding a whole new dimension to the concept of first person
         shooters," writes scotay, "the Swiss Federal Office of
         Public Health has released a free Catch The Sperm game, the
         first PC game to take place entirely in a vagina."
         http://www.plastic.com/article.pl?sid=01/05/05/1535254&mode=thread
- did we miss the game partially set in one? or was that Virtual Valerie?


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                              he shoots, he sues

         There is, you should know, a statute of limitations on
         libel: in a nutshell, if it takes over a year for the
         alleged defamee to get around to suing you, then - well, it
         can't have been very important, can it? It's one of the
         precious few cast-iron defences you can have in British
         libel cases, and one you'd expect to be even more important
         in the ethereal ghoulie-ghosty world of the Net. Not so:
         last week, Justice Gray announced that The Times, who are
         supposed to have defamed Grigori Loutchansky in 1998, are
         repeatedly re-publishing the same article anew whenever
         anyone visits it on their Website, and thus can be sued
         until they be deade. And now you too can be sued forever
         over your archived Web content - unless you take it down the
         day it goes up. This is because the Web is a publishing
         medium, not a library. But wait, it's a library. No, it's a
         television. A gramophonic device! A telephone! A dog! A
         damned thing, whatever it is.
http://www.mediaguardian.co.uk/mediaguardian/story/0,7558,486874,00.html
                                - coo, what *did* Time say about him?
         http://www.google.com/search?q=Grigori+Loutchansky
                                         - no possible way of telling
         http://groups.google.com
                    - four years of libel, just waiting to be used up

         Talking of being deade, a few moments' silence please, for
         early NTK godsend, the TIMES INTER//FACE section: shut down
         because the hassled Times' editor thinks technology is
         irrelevant these days, and anyway, nobody's buying any
         adspace. But never, ever, because it was so insanely,
         delightfully, misinformed. We'll leave new readers to do a
         search through the archives to find the true classics (watch
         out for stern advice to keep your public key secret and
         fedexed to the recipient, and the MP3 music review that gave
         the upbeat rating "Ease of Use: 5/10 (couldn't get it to
         work)"). Meanwhile, our retired arch-enemy Dr Keyboard is
         trapped in a strange half-way chateau between "Jerry
         Pournelle's Chaos Manor" and "A Week in Provence". How can a
         man like this struggle to get by, when Pud of Fucked Company
         is making half a million dollars a year off FC subscriptions?
         A tragedy.
         http://www.chateaukeyboard.com/
                                    - if we end up like this, kill us
         http://www.nypost.com/technology/29972.htm
                 - if we end up like this, sue us. it'll be worth it.

         Next week, as decreed by law, we'll be switching NTK to a
         24-hour election rolling news service, constantly updated
         with the very latest opinion polls, plus second-by-second
         analysis of all the candidates' positions. Others will not be
         so lucky: the H2G2 crowd, currently being conveyed around
         the universe by the Golgafrincham bureacracies of the BBC,
         aren't allowed to say a peep about it. The BBC, utterly
         terrified that H2G2's contributors aren't perfectly balanced
         between right and left (or, indeed, balanced at all), have
         settled on deleting everything that might be construed as
         hurtful to their fund-providing masters. And as is always
         the case in light-hearted communities, matters are now being
         taken far too seriously, with the rise of the ZAPHODISTAS to
         fight for... well, getting the new HELP feature replaced with
         the old "Don't Panic" button, at the very least.
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/HouseRules-Election
                             - hey guys, it's just this brand, y'know
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A520769
         - "are you really unaware about how offensive this is", one
                                           fun-loving researcher adds


        ...We guess not. This news came out just after we appeared.
        Condolences to everyone who knew dna. 
        http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1326000/1326657.stm


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         battlin' BANNERS: http://www.ntk.net/2001/05/11/dohoracle.jpg
         - meanwhile, http://www.thehungersite.com tactfully invites
         users to "lose 10 pounds by June 4th"... the return of ET:
         http://www.gamespot.co.uk/stories/news/0,2160,2065939,00.html
         - the licence that buried ATARI... happy MOTHERFUCKER'S day:
         http://www.ntk.net/2001/05/11/dohmother1.gif , suggests
         AMAZON: http://www.ntk.net/2001/05/11/dohmother2.jpg ...
         UK INDEPENDENCE PARTY wooing influential "porn star vote":
www.news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/static/vote2001/candidates/candidates/6/67761.stm
         ... BT neglect to register futurebt, btwireless domains before
         announcing new direction, just like they did last time:
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/archive/14951.html -
         still having problems with unavailable ADSL availability
         checker, too: http://www.ntk.net/2001/05/11/dohopen.png ...
         honesty in web design: http://www.satcon.co.uk/news.htm ,
         bottom of http://www.moremusic.co.uk/ ... NOOO! Too late!:
         http://www.ansett.com.au/about/linking_application_f.htm ...
         ... logins and passwords for http://www.spinwithagrin.co.uk
         all based around name of band and recent album...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Craftily waiting until the suits are all out of the country at
         E3, "Videogame club grooves meet retro synth in a homage to
         80s electronica" at BACK IN TIME LIVE, a club event promising
         "C-64, retro game and synth at volumes that'll make you
         quake!" (Wed 2001-05-16, DNA, Birmingham, dress code: smart
         casual and/or retro T-shirt, UKP5, girls: free). And it's not
         just that Kernkraft 400 record playing over and over again;
         other attractions include club mixes of Outrun, Commando,
         Arkanoid, and Space Harrier, all the better to drown out your
         shameful fanboy attempts to strike up conversation with retro
         heroes Tony Crowther, Rob Hubbard and Jeff Minter. Meanwhile,
         cowering in the saucer section like in "Star Trek: First
         Contact", the remaining crew of THE REGISTER detect that Borg
         Queen KEVIN OF WARWICK is initiating an "assimilation session"
         just yards from their front door, at what appears to be one of
         the "SciBar" events held by the British Association for the
         Advancement of Non-Carbon-Based Lifeforms (6.30pm, Thursday
         2001-05-17, Maddox Wine Bar, London W1). Oh, and keep your
         diaries clear for a special panel at the Science Museum next
         Saturday (2001-05-19), provisionally entitled "2001? Get A
         Move On! Meeting The 7 Month Deadline For Finding The Moon
         Monolith And Getting Killed By HAL En Route To Io", part of
         this year's Arthur C Clarke science fiction awards.
         http://www.backintimelive.com/
         - yeah, we'd drop by, but it's up north. And a school night.
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/18624.html
         - clearly not invited to http://www.e3expo.com/ either
http://www.britassoc.org.uk/scibars/forthcoming/sub.htm?content1.htm&2
         - bar, street named after Tom Maddox, cyberpunk author
  http://www.sunday-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/2001/05/06/stinwenws01006.html
              - Warwick to "control" wife; but who's controlling him?


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         PROXOMITRON is a mangling Web proxy that isn't specifically
         tailored for ad dumping, but then again, it can do things
         like remove tables, iframes, and BLINK tags. Its weird
         non-regexp matching strings are balanced by a faily shallow
         learning curve, plus a neat interactive match tester that
         visualises your search pattern. Non-libre licensing balanced
         by cute dedication to Ur-PowerPuff Girls, Shonen Knife. Fact
         that it's a Windows app balanced by fact that it's a damn
         sight more flexible than anything we've seen on the
         freenix's. Yet.
         http://spywaresucks.org/prox/
                                   - unless, that is, you know better


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         not the "things to see and do at the CIRCUS" site you'd been
         hoping for: http://www.circuses.com/primattacks.html ... new
         AMISURPRISINGLYUNFUNNYORNOT vulnerable to repeated requests:
         http://www.forstle.com/sassy/go.cgi?P=B&L=0000058&V=N (say)...
         skills not going to waste: http://charity.artificial.com/ ,
         http://eeeff.deepend.co.uk/marksheldon/pictures/job.jpg ...
         this month, we have been mainly toning our THIGH MUSCLES with:
         http://www.konami.co.uk/home/games/action/247/gameplay.asp ...
         ... BUSH leads proposed boycott of sites using US electricity:
         http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010503/pl/bush_energy_dc_11.html
         [NTK 2001-05-11] - yeah, cut back on email, that ought to do
         it... JEDI CENSUS campaign persuades NEW ZEALAND to disband
         military: http://home.nzcity.co.nz/news/default.asp?id=10295 -
         now relies on "The Force" for defence applications... God vs
         NAPSTER: http://www.ship-of-fools.com/Rant/Rant19.html ... God
         vs GREYS: http://infoweb.magi.com/~rah/alien.html ... Mee-Mee
         Toh-Loo GIANT HIVE-MIND: http://www.trygve.com/furbeowulf.html
         ... nation without LOYALTY CARDS driven to desperate measures:
         http://lightning.prohosting.com/~receipts/ ... ANARCHISM,
         pornography, and baffling rants about the nature of evolution
         - together *at last*!: http://www.e-t-r.net/ ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> more rubbish sci-fi monster nonsense from C5 tonight,
         with alien-insectoid MOSQUITO (1am, Fri, C5), written by the
         guy who played Leatherface in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre",
         plus Brit Godzilla remake GORGO (2.40am, Fri, C5)... their
         kids' shows have always been the funny ones, but nonetheless
         we have high hopes for SLAP BANG WITH ANT AND DEC (7.05pm,
         Sat, ITV)... and there's intriguing competition for viewers
         who consider THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST (8pm, Sat, BBC1) too
         camp, with Michael Mann's machismo fest HEAT (9pm, Sat, BBC2),
         Die Hard - but in a towerblock! - classic DIE HARD (9pm, Sat,
         ITV), Oliver Stone's NATURAL BORN KILLERS (10.55pm, Sat, C5),
         plus C4 attempting to justify soft-porn yawn EMMANUELLE
         (12.15am, Sat, C4) - first shown on C5 over two years ago - by
         preceding it with Alex "Repo Man" Cox's EMMANUELLE: A HARD
         LOOK (11.20pm, Sat, C4)... T4's 7-hour BRITNEY SPEARS DAY
         (from 9am, Sun, C4) is actually limited to a couple of docs
         and a concert from 1.45pm, rather than special Britney-themed
         episodes of "Dawson's Creek", "Hollyoaks", and "As If"...
         almost like someone was trying to tell us something, Jon
         Ronson's floppy-haired "investigation" into the Oklahoma
         bombing THE SECRET RULERS OF THE WORLD (9pm, Sun, C4) is
         scheduled against Stallone militia-favourite FIRST BLOOD
         (9.40pm, Sun, C5), preceded by Naomi-Klein-franchisee Noreena
         Hertz's anticorporate POLITICS ISN'T WORKING (8pm, Sun, C4),
         and followed by lame Michael Keaton cloning comedy
         MULTIPLICITY (10pm, Sun, C4)... plus you may be able to catch
         Timothy McVeigh's execution live in THE OKLAHOMA BOMBER
         (10.40pm, Wed, BBC1), though it follows the UEFA Cup Final, so
         "subsequent programmes may run late"... Monday is speculative
         pseudohistory night, with IN SEARCH OF EDEN (8pm, Mon, C4), a
         "Gladiator Girl" edition of SECRETS OF THE DEAD (9pm, Mon,
         C4), and the enthusiastically daft DOUBLE TEAM (10.30pm, Mon,
         C4), which closes with Van Damme wrestling a tiger in a Roman
         amphitheatre full of landmines... following the depressing
         precedent set by Dave Gorman, CUTTING EDGE (9pm, Tue, C4) uses
         the same web-search format to track down the 57 illegitimate
         children of singer Screamin' Jay Hawkins... Julie Burchill has
         convincingly argued that if your spouse was dying of cancer,
         then you might devote an unusual amount of energy to creating
         the domestic sophistication of NIGELLA BITES II (8.30pm, Wed,
         C4)... Steve McQueen battles the original THE BLOB (1.15am,
         Wed, C4)... and Kurtwood "RoboCop" Smith adds his voice to
         slacker road-animation GARY AND MIKE (10pm, Thu, Sky 1)...

         FILM>> presumably due to some freakish release schedule mix-
         up, it's an almost entirely mainstream-Hollywood-free week,
         which is good news for fans of either the fantastic Australian
         "Drop The Dead Donkey"-alike "Frontline" or the moon landings,
         pleasingly mixed together in satellite relay romp THE DISH
         (imdb: independent-film / small-town / space / apollo-11 /
         australia / based-on-true-story / blackout / moon-landing /
         nasa / 1960s / radio-telescope / scientist)... otherwise
         there's madder-than-usual limited-release arthouse fodder,
         including Dogme-95-Hamlet-in-the-Desert THE KING IS ALIVE
         (http://www.cndb.com : unspecified Jennifer Jason Leigh
         nudity) plus mirrorshade-wearing council estate coming-of-ager
         GOODBYE CHARLIE BRIGHT (http://www.cndb.com : unspecified Paul
         "Eastenders" Nicholls nudity, also features a clothed Dani
         Behr) - apparently written by the guy who runs Channel4's
         FilmFour website... or John "Frasier" Mahoney in adult
         "Dawson's Creek" gay lifestyle comedy THE BROKEN HEARTS CLUB
      (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/the_broken_hearts_club.html :
         DEAN ["Superman"] CAIN plays a gay actor known for his love
         'em and leave 'em type attitude, whose ability to blow off his
         casual sex partners makes him the envy of his friends)...

         RED BOOK AUDIO>> we can't remember whether our own "Spot The
         Pop Song Or Advert That Sounds Like Something Else" contest is
         supposed to still be going or not, yet NTK's irrepressible
         musicologists have recently confirmed that the chorus of the
         SUGABABES' "Run For Cover" sounds just like the "I thought
         that I heard you laughing" bit of REM's "Losing My Religion",
         COLDPLAY'S "Trouble" sounds like John Lennon's "Jealous Guy"
         played backwards, and the parping brass theme to the recent
         Census TV ads bears an eerie resemblance to the beginning of
         "The Shining" by BADLY DRAWN BOY. Furthermore, both of
         SHAGGY's recent singles contain knocking sounds that the
         unwary might easily mistake for ICQ alert noises, Radio 1 has
         consistently claimed that NERD's MTV X-Rated Videos favourite
         "Lapdance" contains incidental music from Super Mario Brothers
         (though we can't hear it ourselves), while THE MANIC STREET
         PREACHERS have ingeniously titled their next single "Ocean
         Spray" ("Oh, please stay a-wake/ then we can drink some Ocean
         Spray"), possibly envisaging a lucrative sponsorship deal with
         the popular cranberry juice manufacturer of the same name...
         in other news, thanks to the anonymous tipster who highlighted
         a notable lack of "companies" who support ARTISTS AGAINST
         PIRACY http://www.artistsagainstpiracy.com/support/ [last
         mentioned NTK 2001-04-27], and to JON DICKINSON, who queried
         our claim [also NTK 2001-04-27] that the rapper DMX had named
         himself "after a digital multiplexing system for controlling
         stage lighting", offering the alternate, though less amusing,
         hypothesis that "he named himself after the Oberheim DMX
         drum machine, which was made from around 1980 and was one of
         the first decent digital drum machines to really take off in
         the then-nascent hip-hop scene"... our current test track-
         listing for Napster-clones comes courtesy of '50s-style covers
         band BIG DADDY http://www.dustbury.com/music/bigdad2.html ,
         whose "Leader Of The Pack"-like reinterpretation of MIKE AND
         THE MECHANICS' weepie "In The Living Years" really must be
         heard to be disbelieved. Or, slightly easier to track down,
         there's always the latest audio collage from "Bob The Builder
         vs Eminem" maestro SHELDON SOUTHWORTH, whose latest opus pits
         CRAIG DAVID against BAGPUSS, in his traditionally confusing
         manner: http://www.diffusionuk.freeserve.co.uk/craigpuss.htm .
         Still worth visiting his site though, if only to see the
         letter from permed QUEEN guitarist Brian May, responding to
         Sheldon's pioneering "We Will Rock You" remix, and wishing him
         "Good luck! with it all", a sentiment we can fully endorse...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
          "in summary, we nick all our stories from The Register too"
       http://europe.thestandard.com/article/display/0,1151,16490,00.html


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