_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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be updated daily on the site."
-http://www.netimperative.com shows great candour in pleading for 100UKP pa sub
... and not taking the same-day death of the Blue Peter dog too symbolically
>> HARD NEWS <<
helloo helloo helloos
To the Science Museum, for the launch of the new elite Tank
Police^W^W National Hi-Tech Crime Unit. This was the central
police authority announced by Jack Straw last year, and now
to be based in, as every paper has it, "a secret location",
presumably to stop international cybercriminals from
targetting it with their space "lasers". One of the primary
goals of the new unit, said its long-time advocate, the
National Crime Intelligence Service's Roger Gaspar, would be
to "assess the nature and extent of the problem". Of course,
it was by consistently complaining that the cybercrime
plague was being underreported that got the NCIS and others
the 25 million to set up the new group. What's the betting
that when the results come out, they're not going to say
"why, it's not as bad as we thought"?
- actually they're not going to say anything public at all
- "If you want law and order ... GIVE US MORE TANKS!"
- Tesco CCTV'ing champagne socialists. Every little helps...
Meanwhile, yet again from the endless font of ukcrypto,
comes news of a survey prying into your most intimate
concerns - about the new Health and Social Care Bill which
lets the Secretary of State reveal your medical info to
anyone. With questions like "Do you believe that it would be
safe to trust all future Governments with such wide ranging
and unchecked powers?", it's a *smidgeon* biased, but, hey,
we're all zealots here, right? And we're sure that if this
is proper medical research, there's some dull control
newsletter somewhere publicising the same poll. (Typically,
the first thing anyone noticed about this research on
ukcrypto was the site sets cookies, leading to just the kind
of petty factional in-fighting that lost us the Spanish
Civil War, people. Stay on target, cookie and anti-cookie-ists.
- and *don't* fill the notes bit with spelling corrections
TV series come and go, but servers just bang on forever. The
owners of seethru.co.uk site now appear to have given up the
pretence of Attachments' "real" Website, as well as the plan
to turn it into a profitable portal. As of this week, the
remaining freelancers, whose job it was to perfectly mimic
their on-screen counterparts, have been let go. Now World
Productions are trying to encourage the site's remaining
audience to contribute to the site's regular features - for
free. In a potentially cognitively dissonant note, this has
led to "Soph" rashly bribing the somewhat confused forum
regulars with an invite to "a special party at our office,
where you can meet us in person". Oh, to hack into the
office webcam on that day. "Luce and Brandon? Oh, they've
just popped out for a bit. My name's David McCandless -
anyone for a game of Counterstrike 2?"
- or is this all part of the plot?
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
MOREOVER keyword search confuses country with frozen-food
giant: http://www.europeo.com/iceland.htm ... MAD DOG DISEASE
may be "hoax": http://www.sightings.com/general10/mdd.htm ...
the dash is wrong in this one: http://www.obi-wankenobi.net/
...WIND POWER replacing "electricity" in millions of homes:
http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/20/dohblow.gif ... new SCRAMJET
"will use oxygen from the atmosphere to allow combustion":
... ALCATEL prefer to revise word docs instead of firmware:
http://morons.org/articles/1/188 ... FOOTBALLERS really know
how to party: http://gilest.org/gorjuss/mirror-doh.jpg ...
LASTMINUTE.COM digi-camera boasts "JPG image suppression":
- for countries where taking photos is banned?... privacy
pixies unhappy with current system of "elf-regulation":
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010412/152/bkfsl.html ... DEPT OF
TRANSPORT site: http://www.detr.gov.uk/statistics/transport/
just goes round in circles... BT invented hyperlinks, also
came up with WAP: http://www.ntk.net/2001/04/20/dohwap.gif ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
"Script kiddies need not apply" announces INFOSECURITY
EUROPE'S HACKING CHALLENGE (from 4pm today, 2001-04-20) -
somewhat harshly, we feel: if today's script kiddies have
nowhere to practise and hone their skills, then whither the
future hacking talent of tomorrow? More reassuringly, the tie-
in conference (from Tue 2001-04-21) appears to be completely
free to get in (presumably that's quicker than having to deal
with all the fake cc numbers and social engineering). Hack-
The-Flag challengers Argus claim they're holding the finale
contest here "because the UK lags behind the Far East and the
US in its recognition that Internet and e-commerce security
needs have moved on", although we think they meant to say
"B3CUZ THE UK SCENE IS THE MOSR 73T3, ALL U FAGOT LZMERS".
- NB: to comply with recent anti-terrorist legislation...
- winner must provide name, postal address, and phone number
- in other event-related news: same old bloggers, same old pub
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
- what could we possibly add?
>> MEMEPOOL <<
shuffle the sherlock
and that, my friends, is how I got the name NURSE CHRISTINE
CHAPEL: http://haggisbutt.tripod.com/nerd2.html ... 3G rollout
delayed by Foot and Mouth... new AMAZON craze - prank book
... http://www.pcdiag.com.au/ appears to specialise in
hardware, software, underwear... isolation leads to INBREEDING
"your AD&D sex guide revitalised my RPG relationships!":
... fighting STICK FIGURE theatre reaches logical conclusion:
http://www.stileproject.com/kungfu.html ... all your IRC spoof
sites http://www.somethingawful.com/spam/icq/spacerobot/ will
become FLASH: http://www.jonathonrobinson.com/secret.html ...
"All Your Base" infects TRANSMETROPOLITAN (#45, June 2001,
p5)... YAHOO MAIL globally replaces "eval" with "review":
http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/21.27.html#subj9 (that's "e-v-
a-l" for anyone reading this on Yahoo)... if you could bank
bullshit, which LLOYDS-TSB ad would it be?... nostalgic look
http://cramsession.brainbuzz.com/video/everyossucks/default.asp?OSsucks=Open >> GEEK MEDIA <<
the less restrained www.tvgohome.com TV>> after "The Tom Green Show" and "Jackass", do we really
need the excruciatingly pompous pranks of TRIGGER HAPPY TV?
(9.30pm, Fri, C4) - aka TVGoHome's "Rabblemock Ha Ha Time"...
BBC2 discovers a new war to relive in jaw-dropping detail in
FORGOTTEN HEROES: KOREA REMEMBERED (9pm, Fri, BBC2)...
Margaret "Independence Day" Colin leads largely unheralded US
body-swap action series NOW AND AGAIN (11.30pm, Fri, most ITV)
... and science fact becomes science fiction, as Kevin Warwick
re-appears on the repeated DIGITAL SEX (11.55pm, Fri, C4)...
there's a rare showing of the first two films in the famed
"Trois Coleurs Heat" cop trilogy: Arnie's RED HEAT (10.35pm,
Fri, BBC1), plus Bill Paxton's BLUE HEAT (9pm, Sat, C5)...
envious of ITV's "Michael Collins" Real IRA tie-in explosion
last week, BBC2 hastily schedules IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
(10.35pm, Sat, BBC2)... Stallone sound-stage shoot-em-up
CLIFFHANGER (11.45pm, Sat, BBC1) was last shown June 2000...
and apparently they recorded something like 3 hours of Alan
Moore, but could only fit a few minutes into the 2000AD
episode of SF:UK (1.05am, Sat, C4) - followed by a "Real Big
Survivor Brother" spoof in TROMA'S EDGE TV (2.20am, Sat, C4)
... there are new series for the thankfully Bremner-free
ALISTAIR MCGOWAN'S BIG IMPRESSION (8.30pm, Sun, BBC1), and Bob
Mills' god-awful "Larry Sanders" ripoff BOB MARTIN (10.50pm,
Mon, ITV)... while C5 inexplicably lets some real rubbish slip
through its fingers - Caruso/ Fiorentino erotic thriller JADE
(10.15pm, Sun, BBC1), Winona Ryder women's weepie HOW TO MAKE
AN AMERICAN QUILT (11.20pm, Mon, BBC1), and Hauer/ De Mornay
stalkerama BLIND SIDE (11.25pm, Tue, BBC1) - and ends up
having to show Sam Raimi romp DARKMAN (9pm, Sun, C5), slow-mo
Vangelis video CHARIOTS OF FIRE (9pm, Mon, C5), and BUTCH
CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (9pm, Tue, C5) instead -
culminating in a Quaid vs Quaid face-off with "Max Headroom"
Morton/ Jankel remake DOA (10.45pm, Wed, BBC1) up against
arthouse Bosnian-war drama SAVIOR (10pm, Wed, C5)... still,
there's always the fantastically Freudian ALIEN (11.30pm, Wed,
ITV) on the other side...
FILM>> so the whole thing's a light-hearted nicely shot set-up
for a Village People joke at the end - but that's hardly a
criticism of romantic obsession farce ONE NIGHT AT MCCOOL'S
(imdb: Liv "Armageddon" Tyler, Matt "Wild Things" Dillon, John
"Roseanne" Goodman, Paul "Mad About You" Reiser, Michael
"often ends up with much younger co-star" Douglas - together
at last!)... reader Alan Connor, who has no reason to make
this up, posits that BBC2's "The Adventure Game" is the
obvious precursor to Brit posh kids subterranean mindbender
THE HOLE (http://www.cndb.com : unspecified Keira "Phantom
Menace" Knightley nudity - http://www.keiraknightley.com/ )...
and the fantastical scenario of the Vice-President of the
United States unexpectedly dying in office is explored in Joan
"Pleasantville" Allen's sexual double-standards drama THE
CONTENDER (imdb: character-assassination / helicopter /
independent-film / female-politician / scandal / political /
vice-president / sexism / political-thriller / president /
senator / rescue-from-drowning)... which just leaves a chick-
flick version of "Fight Club" - for those of us who didn't
feel Fight Club was enough of a chick flick already, that is -
GIRLFIGHT (http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/girlfight.html :
It's possible that the film could inspire some girls to take
up boxing; typical boxing violence)... while Jamie Lee Curtis
is once again married to a pretend spy called Harry, in what
seems to be a nuke-free "True Lies" send-up THE TAILOR OF
PANAMA (http://www.cndb.com : You see Pierce [Brosnan's] nice
ass in a standing position as he humps Catherine McCormack
next to a window; a clear somewhat lit view of [Jamie Lee
Curtis'] breasts and nipples; the beautiful Catherine
[McCormack] is topless during a love making sequence with
Pierce "I can get any woman in Hollywood topless" Brosnan)..
FEEBDACK>> as Hanlon's Razor puts it: "Never attribute to
malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity" -
after we raised the topic last week, a couple of people
contacted us directly to say they'd offered free (or cheap)
server space to http://www.popbitch.com/appeal/server.html ,
and had heard "nothing back" from them. We were in the process
of taking this up with Mr Bitch himself - until our mails
started bouncing. Maybe they needed that UKP2500 for on-site
tech support or something... on a similar note, KENNY JOHNSON
noted that http://www.capalert.com appears to be in "dire
financial need". Despite being a "big fan" of the site ("in
much the same way as [I] enjoy reading the letters page of the
Daily Mail"), Kenny, like us, feels conflicted over actually
giving them money "just to continue my car-crash-rubbernecking
fixation with the incredibly fucked-uppedness of it all". Any
suggestions? Hey, maybe we should do a T-shirt... also from
last week, CRAIG MCLEAN was appropriately furious about
Bigfoot reneging on their "free e-mail forwarding for life"
deal - though, in more reflective mood, admitted "I'm a 50
ciggies and 15 pint a day backwater SUNOS sysadmin, so I
suppose their guess at my life expectancy is as good as any"
... plus there's been some promising entries so far for our
caption contest, though some of you didn't spot that you're
supposed to send us hideously unwieldy URLs with the text on
the end (with + or %20 instead of spaces etc)... going back
(and/or forward) a bit further, RICH ANNEXIA queried NTK 2001-
02-23's "party like it's (time_t) 1E9" meme, pointing out that
this historic epoch second is actually around 2am September 9
of this year. In our defence, we were only advocating partying
*like* it's (time_t) 1E9 at this stage, Rich, plus we thought
you'd want some advance warning - after all, Prince released
the original "1999" way back in 1982... and finally, A CHEFFIE
plausibly explained the absence of both "Watchmen" and "Beat
Dis" from the BBC's otherwise comprehensive "I Love 1987" show
[NTK 2001-03-09], revealing "The mere fact that these items
appeared in 1987 is no reason for them to appear on the
programme. Teletext recently took the Beeb to task for filling
this endless programme with needless inaccuracies ('Tucker's
Luck' NOT in fact made in 1984, etc). The BBC's response? The
show is 'not a documentary'")... continuing the ultra-recent
nostalgia, Cheffie was one of several readers who sent us
vaguely amusing multiple retranslations from NTK 2001-03-02's
http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/ , including Eminem's "I am
whatever I say I am. If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?",
(or "They are, of that the legend of which they are. If
nonreceiving of paper, therefore for which saying me in the
morning?"), plus "Some Mothers Do Have 'Em" - which comes out,
disturbingly enough, as "Some bases, have". NTK regrets that
this correspondence, despite all evidence to the contrary,
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"After three years of reading NTK, I unfortunately understand
almost nothing of what they write. However, I do get the gags
- I think. It's very good practice for editing Develop's coding page."
- Owain Bennallack, p11, MCV magazine
NEED TO KNOW
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