Need To Know 2000-12-01

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"And how filthy is the display going to be in about a week? That poor son-of-a-HAL will be all covered with Frito grease..." - so-called "experts" dismiss touch-screen-based supercomputer AI ( http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,40398-2,00.html ) ...though then again, a greasy viewscreen might stop him lipreading his human masters through the space-pod window >> HARD NEWS << gamers lose Intended for the 6pm "Robot Wars" slot, touted by many as the last, best hope for mainstream TV videogaming, BBC2's BLEEDING THUMBS has, finally, haemorrhaged into oblivion - though, admittedly, life-signs had been ebbing for some time (viz: regular email press releases from London's Playing Fields enthusiastically relating how many pilots they were making). Some blame over-ambitious technical requirements (a CGI host called "Spank The Monkey"); some say it wasn't "televisual enough" (one treatment we saw promised Unreal Tournament deathmatches in real-world levels - "eg an Albert Square mission to frag as many Ian Beale-bots as possible, or perhaps a giant Dale Winton") - but we're tempted to blame the current "Curse Of Videogame TV Shows With The Word 'Thumb' In Them". Also residing in off-air limbo is Channel4's hour-long videogame history THUMB CANDY, which EDGE reported was due "in October" but which dropped from the schedules in events perhaps not unconnected with presenter Iain Lee's last-minute disappearance from The 11 O'Clock Show. Unlike Bleeding Thumbs, Thumb Candy still seems likely to eventually see the light of day - and deservedly so, as it apparently consists of Lee asking, say, the inventor of Space Invaders: "It would be great honour for humble Westerner to play wise videogame creator". Then he beats him, and yells: "Skills! This makes me the best Space Invaders player ever! You're shit!" http://www.pcgamer.co.uk/news/news_page.asp?news_id=3031 - Sky's "Blam!" technically classed "as an ad" Heavy breathing and shudders from the new media wing of EXPRESS NEWSPAPERS, who've just been told by their new Northern & Shell pornmeisters to "make the sites profitable, or be shut down". An understandable - if fantasy-laden - request from moguls of a sector that has traditionally done rather well online. So, will we see a swift slide in Express sites towards XXX photos and interactive Flash goatsex? Not too easy - especially as the most successful and soft-porn friendly of the Express Digital Media sites, the Daily Star's MEGASTAR.CO.UK, was inexplicably left out of the deal, and remains in Clive Hollick's own hairy palms. Given that Megastar is principally a repackaging of the divested Star's content (with even fewer words and more breasts), what does Hollick have in mind? A reverse foray into the porn business for United News & Media? A swift flogging of the URL to Richard Desmond's even seedier competitors? Or a foreplay sweetmeat for whoever's dumb enough to snap up LineOne, the next overvalued UM Net asset to go up on ebay? http://www.megastar.co.uk/ - ooh! ah! ... umm! http://www.express.co.uk/ - well, they could start by charging UN&M for all those ads http://www.megastar.com/ - Apache directories: naked and unashamed! http://www.bigwilly.co.uk/ - unexpected "front end" for signup.cix.co.uk A day without Weblogs, huh? Well, given that most of our subscribers are too lazy-busy to do Weblogs anyway (and NTK is not a "blog". We are a "Telegraphic Gentleman's Weekly"), we thought we'd celebrate a year's political inaction by doing something visibly worthy instead. So, for those of you who continue to pester about the lack of updates to STAND post-RIP, allow us to invite you to the pre-launch of FAXYOURMP.COM. It's the best bit of STAND - the automatic Web-to-MP gateway - cunningly refactored so as to be of use to any pressure group that wants its members to contact their MP easily, or just for the everyday punter who wants to reach that elusive representative. We'll run it at beta for a week, then send out the press releases, so by all means have a go at berating your MP on software patents, CCTV proliferation, the poor accessibility of warez sites - and, heck, why not, asking how they're celebrating World AIDS day. It's probably the least you - and we - could do. http://www.faxyourmp.com/ - corrections and patches to info@faxyourmp.com, pls http://www.bradlands.com/dww/ - rather than just usual outages at blogger, groksoup, port5.com >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious "BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF WEB PROFESSIONALS" hacked last Thu: http://www.attrition.org/mirror/attrition/2000/11/23/www.bawp.co.uk/ - still down: http://www.bawp.co.uk/ ... RAILTRACK making up lost time somehow: http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/01/dohrail.jpg ... free cars from http://www.yourautochoice.com/ : '1.4I 3 DOOR [AC]' option for HONDA CIVIC reduces price by UKP11,184 ... BRAIN OF BRITAIN finalists didn't know "Who created the World Wide Web?"; answers included "Bill Gates" and "Martin Lambie-Nairn", creator of "Spitting Image"... shame of the GAMES BOSS homepages: http://www.jezsan.com ... *very* RETRO: http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/01/dohweez.gif ... Nooooo! They've registered bananana.com, banananana.com, bananananana.com - the *three most common* iterative misspellings of "banana"... "Hang on - this doesn't look like the FURBY HAPPY MEAL I asked for": http://dailypress.com/news/stories/87795sy0.htm ... cry for HELP: http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/01/dohinject.gif ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful Numerous "surprises" appear to be in store at PRIVACY INTERNATIONAL's UK BIG BROTHER AWARDS (7:15pm, London School of Economics, 2000-12-04), not least of which was our invite saying "Your names will be at the door" when we hadn't actually told them who we were. Oh well, maybe you get the chance to turn in your "plus one" instead. Annoyingly, it clashes with one of the most oddly-billed events of the year, the BRAVE YOUNG GUNSLINGERS business skills workshop being held at the equally brilliantly named INSTITUTE OF PHYSICS HEADQUARTERS (6.30pm, Portland Place, London, UKP3 - includes "refreshments and buzzwords"). The email we were forwarded about this makes several remarkable claims about techniques for "developing decicivenes [sic] and creativity", with "over UKP200 worth of Institute of Physics Publishing books" to be won by "the most striking performances", but sadly no mention of actual shoot-outs involving supercolliders and railguns. http://www.privacyinternational.org/bigbrother/uk2000/ - based on George Orwell's totalitarian classic, natch... http://www.phys.ucl.ac.uk/mpl/iop/lse/2000w/london.html - ...rather than the recent prole-pacifying TV show http://www.nubiantales.net/wavetwisters/ - Q*Bert's post-videogame movie career shaping up nicely too >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering SPAM MIMIC is a simple CGI that takes your "activate sleeper agent"-style short message, and converts it to the robotic gibberings of your average unsolicited commercial mail. And what, patient reader, is the point of that? Consider: what better way to pass a note unnoticed across the networks than to hide it in the background noise of spam? Additionally, you can protect the identity of your true recipient by mass-mailing it to thousands without suspicion. My God, what are we saying? Beliefs about popular cryptography and bulk-email preconceptions - fighting in our tiny minds! Cannot process! Dump core! http://www.spammimic.com/ - there is no secret message concealed in the URL http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/14855.html - this goes for you lot too ('cept we don't have hushmail yet) >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista "I shall become more POWERFUL than you can possibly imagine": http://www.petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?ob1pc vs http://www.microsith.com/jedix-myths.php3 ... first result: http://www.google.com/search?q=tingly ... now, no PEEKING: http://2shortplanks.com/xmas/ ... new "Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers"-style WH SMITHS Christmas ads feature Nicholas Lyndhurst's face on body of a dog... life imitates ONION gravy: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_1047000/1047698.stm ... folk CONNIE fanfic outdated by new AOL price structure: http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/cinerama/west/183/rachel_willis1.jpg ... original storyboards, handwritten Z80 code for 3D ANT ATTACK: http://www.sandywhite.fsnet.co.uk/ants/ants.htm ... "What would the characters in ATTACHMENTS need in order for them to seriously consider the claims of Jesus Christ?" asks http://www.damaris.org/online_resources/guides/2000/attachments.htm - already commissioned second series implies "a pact with Satan"... http://www.semenex.com/ vs http://www.dolphinsex.org/ - but does it get rid of that overwhelming taste of TUNA?... >> GEEK MEDIA << the less rude www.tvgohome.com TV>> Danny "Judge Dredd" Cannon's prototypical '90s Britcrime caper THE YOUNG AMERICANS (11.05pm, Fri, BBC1) appears to be based on neither the Kevin Williamson Dawson's Creek spinoff, nor the David Bowie song of the same name... it's almost as if they made Glasnost-metaphor STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (2.55pm, Sun, BBC2) specifically to preserve the "even numbers good, odd numbers bad" mythology... and it's Dr David Banner vs The Mighty Thor in THE INCREDIBLE HULK RETURNS (5.10pm, Sun, C5)... Sky1 launches its BABES IN SPACE (9pm, Mon & Wed) strand with a saucy Deanna Troi episode of TNG... terrestrial-dwellers must make do with wild fossil-record suppositions about the NEANDERTHAL (9pm, Mon, C4) plus semi- primitive rock-video gothfest THE CROW (10pm, Mon, C4)... while Dudley Moore makes his last public appearance before dying of a terminal neurodegenerative disease on OMNIBUS (10.35pm, Mon, BBC1) - unless, of course, this turns out to be an unusually cruel Peter Cook prank... C5 accidentally show a nudity-free documentary in the form of intriguing identity- theft exploration ID (8pm, Tue)... Mulder and Scully team up with Millennium's Frank Black in a crossover X FILES (9pm, Wed, BBC2)... and some guy tries to make a profit by betting 12 grand in pioneering new programme-finance model THE GAMBLER (10.35pm, Wed, C4) - his first "gamble" being getting child- genius composer Daniel Pemberton to do the theme tune... FILM>> incredibly, it's *even lamer* than this year's "Mission To Mars", but big-screen sci-fi special effects and mild Carrie-Anne "The Matrix" Moss nudity may nonetheless justify a trip to the RED PLANET (http://www.cndb.com : Carrie-Anne's character takes a shower [...] There's a shot of her full- length showing her great body, including her butt [...] A nice closer shot of her from the back left side showing most of her upper torso. Large breasts but no obvious nipple seen)... Woody Allen returns to some kind of erratic form in SMALL TIME CROOKS (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/smalltimecrooks.htm : planning crimes; illegal purchase of dynamite; development of immoral relationships; monologue of sexual matters; picture nudity)... the "Urban Legend" franchise goes all self- referential on anyone who still cares in URBAN LEGEND 2: THE FINAL CUT (imdb: film-in-film/ murder/ axe/ sequel/ teenkill/ urban-legend)... and "Another Fond Childhood Memory Destroyed" is the Onion's verdict on Jim Carrey's very own "Battlefield: Earth", complex Fight-Club-style corporatisation critique THE GRINCH (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/howthegrinch.htm : long series of rudeness; eating a glass bottle; eating a live bat; yelling hatefully at a child by an authority figure; sensuous outfit on a woman; an outfit revealing the details of the Grinch's posterior; I know it seems like a h-u-g-e leap from How The Grinch Stole Christmas to Columbine, but is it really?)... BUY ONE, SUBVERT THE MASS MEDIA, GET ONE FREE>> and the winner of the first proper round of our ongoing "Drily Ironic T-shirt Competition" is, you've guessed it, that guy called "Bruce" for his: I GOT UKP80MILLION IN VENTURE CAPITAL FOR MY .COM IDEA - AND ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT, which now heads up our full Winter collection at http://www.ntkmart.com . The judges particularly enjoyed Bruce's repurposing of a popular slogan; use of a familiar, but not trademarked, font and colour scheme; and the fact that we could do it as a single colour print, which works out cheaper. Bruce receives UKP2 for each shirt sold... also joining the range this week is our first winner in the category for "4K Graphics Files (And Under)", which is kind of trickier to describe (oh just go to the site and have a look), which came from rogue NTK staffer LEE MAGUIRE, who has generously donated his design royalty to "fund future T-shirt research". New entries are continuing to flood in - our favourite so far being "No Preview Available" from http://www.guru.gg/ntk/tee/ ; time's running a bit short to get new designs printed and on sale before Christmas now, but we're going to need a fresh bunch to launch as our "Spring Collection" next year. We'd especially like to see some sort of blocky low-res non-copyrighted giant "Space Invaders" alien, or maybe a Designers Republic spoof... thanks to everyone who bought a T-shirt last week - if it hasn't arrived yet, it will do soon; we blame those usual e-commerce excuses of overwhelming demand, unprecedented popularity, scalable infrastructure etc (in fact, it's usually 2 days' delivery if it's in stock, or 10 at the most if we need to print some more). So, to be absolutely sure of receiving your sarcastic NTK merchandise before Christmas (and what family gathering would be complete without it?), order before midnight December 11th to be on the safe side. Do you really want to risk having to explain to your tearful XL-sized child, partner, or other family member on Christmas morning that their NTK T-shirt is still in the print queue at a Brighton-based nonprofit "providing work opportunities for those who cannot compete in the open jobs market"? No sir, you do not... so: what if you've already bought yourself a "Viral Marketing" T-shirt but now find yourself tempted by the seductions of our two new designs? Well, you can either buy another one, you tightwad, or you can take advantage of our exclusive "Buy One, Subvert The Mass Media, Get One Free" deal, in which anyone prominently and recognisably displaying an NTK T-shirt in a national TV programme or print publication can claim another one, *free of charge* (bonus points for getting them in Times Interface or Wired). Offer limited to one shirt per person per appearance; the judges will favour applications which provide documentary evidence and/or advance notice of the shirt's appearance (contact NTK directly on this one by the way - Cybercandy will disavow all knowledge); and, finally, NTK does not advocate law-breaking or antisocial behaviour (for a change) - entrants who, for instance, commit a hideous felony then wear the shirt to the subsequent court case will be considered to be acting "outside the spirit" of the contest and disqualified at the judges' discretion... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "not a game - but a way of life" http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/0,,41690,00.html NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2000 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.