_   _ _____ _  __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_   _| |/ / _ __   __2000-11-10_ o join! mail an empty message to
|  \| | | | | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
| |\  | | | | . \ | | | | (_) \ v  v /  o website (+ archive) lives at:
|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/   o     http://www.ntk.net/


         "Leading shares held firmer ground on Wednesday with drugs
          providing the impetus on hopes Republican George W. Bush would
          finally win through in the closest U.S. presidential election
          for decades."
		                 - http://uk.news.yahoo.com/001108/80/aoivo.html
         ...and it wouldn't be the first time...


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               somewhat confused

         As US democracy stumbles, wouldn't it be great if the two
         opposing sides could forget their mutual antagonism, and
         find someone else to take the blame? Well, let's see:
         incomprehensible instructions, an installation process that
         takes forever and then ends up hanging... the accusing
         finger of history points to at least one obvious target.
         Your first conspiracy clue: Florida was one of the first
         states to toy with an online voting system this year. Not a
         big deal - only 300 or so military guinea-pigs. Of course,
         now they're a potentially presidential three hundred, some
         people are reading rather more into it- especially GENE
         GAINE, who puts this together with the factlet that Melinda
         and Bill recently gave $5 million to the state of Florida.
         And that the online system ran on Windows. And that Gates,
         of course, would stand to profit from a Bush presidency. My
         God! How could we have been so blind?
         http://listserv.syr.edu/scripts/wa.exe?A1=ind0011&L=foi-l#35
                                                   - Blame Microsoft!
         http://www.plaidder.com/florida.htm
                                                    - Blame somebody!
         http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2000/results/blueblank.html
                   - what's this? the blue screen of electoral death?
         http://www.nielsen2004.com/
                               - one way to stop this happening again

         And it's not as if you can run away to the cinema to escape
         from reality. Even this week's US release of "Charlie's
         Angels" is scattered with psychic Microsoft bleed-through.
         There's Tim Curry doing a Larry Ellison cameo (although he
         sadly neglects to pout "I see you shiver with database
         normali...sation" at any point), and a plot that revolves
         around an awkward billionaire programmer whose source code -
         the "blueprint", you will recall, of "all computer software"
         - gets nicked by his enemies. Admittedly, instead of
         infilitrating a trojan into the company LAN, they mug him in
         a carpark and steal the code from his back pocket: but
         still, spooky prescience or what? Slightly less subtle is
         the upcoming thriller featuring Tim Robbins as another
         Seattle billionaire programmer with monomaniacal tendencies.
         The film is called "Antitrust". Its stealth site features an
         interview with Jon "Maddog" Hall. Its forums are full of
         astroturf open-source bait ("I agree with everything",
         writes one suspiciously keen webmail account-holder). What
         the hell *is* this? Does somebody think the slashdot effect
         works for box office too?
         http://www.mgm.com/antitrust/special/special.html
                                   - all in Sorenson QuickTime. Sigh.

         And just when we'd completely lost the ability to separate
         fantasy and reality, the REGISTER chips in with a report
         that the BSA are now claiming that they have "pirate
         software detector vans". Laughable, the Register wisely
         insist. But hold on: don't our files show a
         Microsoft-sponsored Ross Anderson spec for an eerily-similar
         anti-piracy detector van two years ago? Could this be true?
         Did we hear someone put out Netscape 6 without telling
         anyone? Did a major anti-RIP protestor admit to us that they
         were once interviewed for a job with GCHQ? Are we losing our
         minds?
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/14562.html
                             - BSA indulge in weird propaganda, check
         http://www.ntk.net/?back=a98/now0213.txt&line=55#l
                                         - MS anti-piracy vans, check
         http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=00/11/10/052256&mode=nested
  - mysterious NS 6.0 appearence, check. Now, what was the other one?


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         http://www.playworks.net.au/newweb/ "best viewed at 800 x 600
         D.P.I." - though isn't everything?... one dot.com living the
         ATTACHMENTS dream (left column): http://www.londonforum.co.uk/
         ... DAPHNE AND CELESTE T-shirt competition entries continue to
         flood in: http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/10/dohdaph2.gif ... re:
         NTK 2000-08-04's "uh-oh" theory: http://www.modo.net - FALCO!
         http://www.foodoo.com - FALCO!... "THE MAN" beaten at last:
         http://www.theman.com/ ... just click the goddamn button:
         http://www.quios.com/registration/terms.tmpl ... US company
         lumps Labour-governed UK in with other ex-communist nations:
         http://www.3com.com/global/world/uk.html ... "Least useful
         sites on web? Personal webpages", quips over-modest BOO CEO:
         http://www.guardian.co.uk/newmedia/story/0,3605,393278,00.html
         - still, they *could* have called Boo http://www.twa.at ...
         "It is not permitted to use this service to send [...] sexual,
         racist, discriminatory or defamatory content to anyone who
         might consider such content to be offensive" - slightly self-
         defeating Terms and Conditions of SMS RANDOM INSULT GENERATOR:
         http://www.xtremetxt.com/toyz/insultgen/sms/... bad journo!
         "No free lunch" says EVA PASCOE, in need of unmetered clue:
    http://195.92.21.98/news/Digital/Columnists/2000-10/pascoe301000.shtml


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Yes, we were wandering round Westminster in the rain on
         Sunday, vainly searching for the advertised "Setting Fire To
         Giant Diana Car-Crash Paintings", and gradually reaching the
         conclusion: "Hang on, wasn't this the same controversy-
         confronting KLF who postponed their 23-minute Barbican gig
         when it coincided with Diana's demise, citing 'the mood of the
         nation' or some such nonsense?" God knows what they thought
         they were playing at (though, in retrospect the vague
         directions to "The Palaces of Buckingham and Westminster"
         might have tipped us off that something was amiss). Oh yeah,
         this week. As previously advertised, it's a McSweeney's-
         special WORDS @ THE ICA this Sat (for those of you who don't
         yet consider the printed word a "Victorian affectation"), plus
         LIVING WITH THE RIP BILL (for journalists) at the ICA on Thu,
         while Ross Anderson seems to be taking the show on tour with a
         similarly titled seminar in Cambridge on Tue - for adepts
         uncomfortable with the ICA's proximity to the Buckingham
         Palace/ Admiralty Arch "Dragon Line".
http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/Research/Security/seminars/2000/2000-11-14.html
         - RSVP to Ross on this one, in case he needs a "bigger room"
         http://www.courseleader.com/about/press/mediaforum.asp
        - yes, it is Richard "LocoScript for the Amstrad PCW" Clayton
         http://www.ica.org.uk/performance/113806/
        - of course, there's plenty of other reasons to avoid the ICA
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/03/krash.gif
               - "gunpowder, treason and plot" postponed, due to rain


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Always scribble, scribble, scribble, eh, Mr Freshmeat? With
         the Cambrian Linux explosion of buggy IRC clients, punning
         (G)N(.*)pster clones, half-finished Perl modules, and window
         managers written in stackless Haskell for JPython, it's
         sometimes a relief to turn back to the crystalline
         certainties of WINDOWS. No such frenzy there: just people
         lounging around on pouffes, idly waiting for the next
         Explorer update. Look at what we're reduced to plugging:
         POWERARCHIVER for Windows, a free compression/decompression
         utility. Slim, handles most file formats (from ZIP to CAB
         and JAR, via those warez stalwarts, RAR and ACE), freer than
         WinZip's nagware and, yes, calm down ladies, it's skinnable.
         Only question is: what's left to zip? Your Powerpoint slide
         collection?
         http://www.powerarchiver.com/
               - if computers are tools, why is it me who feels used?


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         BNP poet strikes again: http://www.fuel-protest.com/poem.html
         - could take a few lessons in rhyming and scansion from
         http://tv.cream.org/buchan/pika_ryhmes.html ... media baffled
         by motives of DOME DIAMOND THIEVES - unaware of possible
         application in building orbital laser platform to hold the
         world to ransom. Or it's the start of the publicity campaign
         for the TOMB RAIDER film... *someone* still developing for
         DREAMCAST: http://kinox.org/articles/linuxdc.html ... still
         not too late to set up "everyone-hates-that-nerve-show.com":
         http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20001109/en/television-nerve_1.html
         faintly evocative of REALDOLL FAQ: http://www.distefano.com/
         ... so, is it the MacOS "Ralph" voice - or HOWARD RHEINGOLD?:
         http://www.salon.com/audio/nonfiction/2000/10/27/rheingold2/
         ... "I don't normally write in to EASTENDERS fan sites, but":
         http://www.punternet.com/reports/6210.html ... poor SHIELDING:
         http://java.sun.com/products/midp/images/space_invaders.jpg
         ... hard-hitting FLASH critique of workplace drug-testing:
         http://www.somethingawful.com/taco/animations/urine.html (vs
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/entertainment/sickboy1.html )...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                 get out less

         TV>> the opening of amusing Stallone/ Bullock future satire
         DEMOLITION MAN (9pm, Fri, ITV) is apparently a shot-for-shot
         homage to Burton's "Batman" - Stallone returns on Sunday in
         STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT (2.50pm, Sun, BBC1)... let's face
         it, TRIGGER HAPPY TV (9.30pm, C4, Fri, rpt) wasn't that funny
         the first time... and BBC2 tells the real story behind "The
         Great Escape" in THE WAR BEHIND THE WIRE (9pm, Fri, BBC2) -
         after this and the docu about Hitler's actual search for the
         Ark Of The Covenant, they should soon get round to the real-
         life events and personalities dramatised in the WW2 film
         "Kelly's Heroes"... a good week for action-trash fans, with
         Arnie as CONAN THE BARBARIAN (10.35pm, Sat, ITV)... the usual
         Saturday night hilarity on C5, culminating in Woody Allen's
         fey Mia Farrow-vehicle ALICE (12.40am, Sat, C5)... Ray "Darth
         Maul" Park standing in for Rayden, in techno beat-em-up sequel
         MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION (9pm, Tue, C5)... and 1970s
         Speedball-inspiring pretentious but likeable ROLLERBALL (9pm,
         Sat, BBC2)... C4's brief, 4-hour WHO'LL SAVE AFRICA season
         (from 8pm, Sun, C4) seems perilously close to attributing many
         of the continent's problems to systematic first-world
         exploitation, or something... Chris Carter reveals his
         "sources of inspiration" - ie: alt.conspiracy? - in X FILES
         NIGHT (9.15pm, Sun, BBC2)... thanks to last week's Jim Cameron
         fan page http://www.wimpyjesus.com/cameron/love.htm , we now
         know that "The Terminator" is a "better love story" than THE
         ENGLISH PATIENT (9pm, Sun, C4)... while the star of EARTHQUAKE
         IN NEW YORK (9pm, Sun, C5) is former host of "When Things
         Tumble Over, Spill Or Fall Out Of Cupboards" - Greg Evigan!...
         Rob "Marion And Geoff" Brydon and Julia "Jam" Davis team up -
         at last! - in docusoap-spoof HUMAN REMAINS (10pm, Mon, BBC2)
         ... Bill Murray still the only man to have managed a funny
         remake of a French film in QUICK CHANGE (9pm, Wed, C4)...
         Donald Sutherland - who else? - leads Heinlein's original
         Bodysnatchers-adaptation THE PUPPET MASTERS (11.30pm, Wed,
         ITV)... and THAT THING (9.50pm, Thu, BBC2) gives a free 10-
         minute ad to Playstation 2 - admittedly, about as close as
         most of us will get this year to actually owning one...

         FILM>> last issue, our enthusiasm to tell the world about
         George W Bush's secret Illuminati past meant we failed to
         double-check the IMDB's "Opening this week" selection - in
         fact, both "The Skulls" and "Lost Souls" aren't out for ages
         (which, far from undermining our "-owl, -er" theory, actually
         backs it up!)... this week, it's the turn of the end-phonemes
         "-ck" and "-d", with "-ck" having the edge in a movie which
         meets *all* our criteria for a cinema trip: a) it's science
         fiction; b) it features Catherine O'Brien from "Neighbours" (
         http://ezthemes.iboost.com/previews/radha_mitchell.jpg ) and
         the English-accent chick from "Farscape"; c) brutal non-stop
         special-effects violence; and d) it's quite dark, so you can't
         always see what's happening on low-contrast pirate VHS or VCDs
         - as hinted by the title PITCH BLA-CK (http://www.capalert.com
         : massively vulgar and invasive ignominy; animals eating human
         flesh and ripping bodies apart, leaving only the bones; a
         distinct and inescapable [lack] of presence of programming to
         form the viewer's grasp of faith and God)... or take your
         childhood-obsessed weird former schoolfriend - unless, of
         course, you *are* a childhood-obsessed weird former
         schoolfriend - to naturalistic awkwardness comedy CHUCK AND
         BU-CK (imdb: independent-film / man-child / mother-son / play-
         within-play / actor / shot-on-video / stalker / wedding /
         arrested-development / childhood-friend / flashback / funeral
         / gay)... there's a more conventional take on age-regression
         when the "dead person" Bruce Willis' latest young co-star can
         see is: his own future self! - in grown-up feelgood fairy-tale
         DISNEY'S THE KI-D (http://www.capalert.com : adolescent
         arrogance against authority; talk of "seeing your mother
         naked"; "supernatural powers" of time displacement - but
         nothing evil or sinister [part of an extraordinary digression
         on religious relativity])... Harold "Egon Spengler" Ramis
         crosses the streams of supernatural comedy once again, in
         sketchy Liz Hurley remake BEDAZZLE-D (http://www.capalert.com
         : sucking kissing; sex bar; brief crotch nudity - female;
         calling on God and getting Satan; woman claiming to be Satan;
         glorification of Satan; mockery of God, holiness, Salvation;
         never are we to tempt or challenge Satan for any reason)...
         while Mark Wahlberg continues wallowing in the criminal demi-
         monde, battling to save imperial measurements from metrication
         in THE YAR-DS (http://www.cndb.com : nude appearances by
         Joaquin Phoenix and Charlize Theron - bafflingly, playing a
         character called "Erica Stoltz" - though no specifics on how
         this compares with the golden age of Theron-nudity classics
         like Two Days In The Valley and Cider House Blues)...

         AD MUSIC FROM SIX PEOPLE>> yes, we were a bit harsh on Tom
         Standage's idea [NTK 2000-10-13] of spotting tunes in TV ads
         that sound unmistakably like - but not quite the same as -
         more well-known songs, but that was before we remembered
         thinking that JMC's "Unwrapping The Package Holiday" campaign
         sounded like it really wanted to be "Smokebelch" by The Sabres
         Of Paradise, as actually used nowadays by Vodafone... TIM
         BANNISTER agreed that "the recent IBM advert for their
         Thinkpad T20 would sound a lot better if they'd actually used
         Iggy Pop's 'The Passenger', rather than something that just
         sounds like it ought to sound similar"... while STU BRUISE
         maintained Tom's original brand-awareness vagueness, citing
         "the cosmetics one with the Air 'All I Need' rip-off and the
         nappies one with the Jean-Jacques Perry soundalike"... also,
         thanks to everyone who noted that Asda were using the
         instrumental riff from TOUCH AND GO's "Would You (Like To Go
         To Bed With Me)" to promote their "George" range of back-to-
         schoolwear, though that's not quite the same thing... in other
         pop news, WINDY MILLER belatedly inquired "Is it just me, or
         does 'Kids' by Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue sound a lot
         like 'Opposites Attract' by Paula Abdul? I'm just wondering
         whether [the video] features a cartoon cat." Well, it didn't -
         though we'd always assumed the whole song was a deliberate
         hybridisation of every male/female duet ever: the line "Notify
         your next of kin/ you're never coming back" being a clear
         allusion to "Want to tell my daddy/ I'll be missing in action"
         from Meat Loaf and Cher's "Dead Ringer For Love"... pausing
         only to ponder "is Radiohead's 'Kid A' album named after one
         of the James Bulger defendants?", ADRIAN MOULDER suggested we
         combined our interests in lyrical parodies and the Cthulhu
         mythos with "this 30-year old magistrate from Singapore:
         http://www.khaosworks.org/filk/ who specialises in Lovecraft-
         themed filk based around ABBA songs", adding "the MP3s of some
         of his serious stuff - like 'Fanboy Soul' - aren't bad
         either"... and finally, STEPHEN HEWITT outed The Offspring's
         "The Kids Aren't Alright" for bearing "a striking similarity"
         to Belle And Sebastian's "String Bean Jean" - "well for the
         first ten seconds anyway", before concluding "of course
         Shampoo [NTK 2000-09-08] invented girl power, at one point
         they were among the top 100 richest women in the country -
         those crazy Japanese pop kids ensuring Carrie and Jacqui would
         never want for bubblegum pink lipgloss again"... in the
         absence of any new Shampoo material, however (and the new
         Fatboy Slim album turning out to be rubbish), fans might have
         to make do with new Atari Teenage Riot protegee, LOLITA STORM,
         whose debut long-player, at about 1:30 per track, makes
         perfect Napster fodder with such life-affirming anthems as
         "Hot Lips, Wet Pants", "I Luv Speed", "You Make Me High When
         You Go Down Low", and "Anthea Turner's Tears", featuring the
         line: "by means fair or foul / like fucking Peter Powell"...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                Registered at the Post Office as "fixed in CVS"
                  http://x57.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=676235353


                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
                         Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
              Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net
                Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
     NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntk.net/books

                          (K) 2000 Special Projects.
             Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/

                    Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com
             All communication is for publication, unless you beg.
              Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com
     Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material.
       Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
              Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.