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          "Dot.net is like an elephant"
          - BILL GATES, on the new Microsoft standard, RED HERRING
          http://www.redherring.com/mag/issue82/resources/mag-gates-82-p5.html
                         ...and the IETF is like a monkey with a cork


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               hiding the bruise

         So, let's get this straight: first, Network Solutions
         changed their contracts so that they now own all the domains
         you've registered with them. Next, they withheld the release
         of unpaid domains, so that they own *those* as well - to be
         auctioned by them at some unannounced date. What's next for
         the domainitrixes? Well, how about trying to charge for
         stuff that they *don't* own? For the last few months, the
         NSI have been sending out bills for .COM, .ORG and .NET
         addresses - *even though their users have transferred the
         accounts to other registrars*. This is a little reminiscent
         of the "magazine subscription: final demand" scam that Ziff
         Davis used to put out. And even if you do pay for the
         domains, it's not as if you've got any guarantee that
         they'll work: witness the blanket denial by the G root name
         server this week that any .COM existed at all. That said, G
         isn't run by NSI, so we can't place all the blame with
         NetSol. Although if we did, we bet they'd work out a way of
         billing us for it. Ha. (Oh, and we know it's not
         authoritative any more; but it's supposed to remember
         something).
         http://www.opensrs.org/archives/discuss-list/0006/0786.html
         - ICANN *on* the case! Case *on* its way to the Bahamas!
         http://www.enteract.com/~lspitz/whois.html
                  - uh-uh. it's the DoD. Which brings us neatly to...

         DERA, the MOD's Defence Evaluation and Research Agency, are
         probably best known for that time they appeared on TV as
         bumbling boffins messing around with impractically
         futuristic Clive Doig-style home-made weapons systems. (Or
         is that just what they *want* you to believe?) Either way,
         it's good to see that "gentleman amateur" ethos extended to
         their website, which this week turned out - via some
         "unofficial" evaluation and research - to have what's best
         described as a "whopping great open SQL pipe" into their
         jobs database. DERA said "The developer has simply used a
         SQL like set of parameters to aid him in the parsing of the
         application parameters", but pulled the page anyway; our
         correspondent regrets not trying "INSERT INTO
         job_spec(jobtitle,salary,area,ref) values('warmonger','6
         pieces of silver','genocide','your-developers-suck')".
         http://www.dera.gov.uk/html/news/deranews/census_goes_online.htm
            - or they could just employ more long-term prison inmates
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/08/04/dohdera1.jpg
        - even 1901 census data still falls under Official Secrets...
          http://www.dera.gov.uk/html/it/it_security_health_check.htm
         - ...to protect our 100 year-old citizens, eg: The Queen Mum

         New Rules for a New Economy: never rhyme your company with
         "falco". Example number one: the spectacularly badly-branded
         ClickMango, which disappeared with little mourning earlier
         this week. Next victim: plucky start-up Bango, which owns
         what has to be the *dumbest* idea we've heard since Real
         Names. Real Names, you may recall, was the plan to replace
         domain names with ... more names. Bango's ruse is to replace
         domain names with numbers. So the plan here is that you take
         an IP address, which is a number, then turn it into a
         domain; then turn it *back* into a number: presumably one of
         those number you can turn upside down to make a word. Ahh,
         say, Bango: but this time, it's for WAP. Good old WAP-O.
         http://www.bango.net/
                                              - cisco is an exception
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/archive/12080.html
                  - Register not quite as cynical as it used to be...
         http://194.159.40.109/
                             - as these easy-to-remember numbers show
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/Digital/Update/2000-08/time010800.shtml
                - second stupidest idea this week: hello? NTP? HELLO?


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

        BALLMER says Linux "communism", FRED MOODY says Linux "worst
        operating system in the world", world says "uh-*huh*" ...
        Spielberg's POP.COM goes way of 1942 ... "BT phone bills are
        cheaper than major cable companies" - reports BT.CO.UK ...
        ... "POST OFFICE of the future" features authentic "Position
        Closed" sign: http://www.relayone.com/ ... "invisible dot
        on your screen is watching every move you make", reports OBSERVER,
        on acid: http://www.observer.co.uk/focus/story/0,6903,348648,00.html
        ... BBC ONLINE introduces new, gritty, swearing preview
        section: http://www.ntk.net/2000/08/04/dohenders.jpg ... TONY
        BLAIR rants against private e-mails falling into wrong hands,
        excessive surveillance: *cough* ... "bold, space-saving design"
        conceals HTML source's INSANE, STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS SPAMDEXING
        http://www.pc.ibm.com/us/netvista/tour/allinone/allinone.html
        NEW SCIENTIST tests Jamie Oliver's overall "funniness":
        http://www.keysites.com/keysites/site/site.html ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Take one of your favourite screen-based activities, combine
         it with seasonal peer-pressure to venture outdoors from time
         to time, and you've got this summer's STELLASCREEN TOUR, a
         travelling 60 x 30 foot weekend cinema which appears to try
         to match the movie to the location (eg, tonight, there's
         "The Beach" on Brighton Beach, then "Deep Blue Sea" on
         Liverpool Pier in two weeks' time). The big-screen
         competition comes to a head over the August Bank Holiday
         weekend, when "The Italian Job", "Austin Powers", "The
         Matrix" and "Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels" square up
         against an exclusive IMAX presentation of the first 3
         "Alien" films.
         http://www.stellascreen.co.uk/summer/stellascreen/outdoor.php3
         - "like seeing the films 'live'", they promise, confusingly
         http://www.bfi.org.uk/showing/imax/afterdark.html
         - "none of the films are in IMAX format, nor... shown in 3D"

         With even Ben Moor and Quake-theatre pioneers Strange Company
         staying away from the Edinburgh Fricking Festival this year,
         there's always the live recordings of TIME GENTLEMEN PLEASE,
         Al "The Pub Landlord" Murray's upcoming Sky sitcom, apparently
         recording near Waterloo, Thursday evenings until 2000-10-05.
         Critical opinion is divided ("The sitcom equivalent of The 11
         O'Clock Show" - self-appointed comedy curmudgeons Some Of The
         Corpses Are Amusing; "The best thing I have ever written" -
         Richard Herring, same forum), but then that's exactly the
         kind of rigorous nit-picking we know you Lee & Herring fans
         love ("The best thing you've ever written? Do you seriously
         include Lionel Nimrod and TMWRNJ in that assertion?" - ibid).
         http://mudhole.spodnet.uk.com/fist/news/index.html#End
             - scroll up to "30 May 00" for details of ticket hotline
         http://mudhole.spodnet.uk.com/~frogger/corpses/edin_index.html
        - though, admittedly, this is amusingly/depressingly accurate
         http://www.strangecompany.org/
                    - .plans all last updated October 1999, strangely


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Remember back in November, when we reviewed NAPSTER and said
         it was going to *really* annoy the music industry? Well, the
         alpha of MOJO NATION is now out, and while we're not sure
         that it's going to have the same uptake as the Nap, if it
         does it'll piss off the music industry *and* every
         revenue-gathering government in the world. Currently an
         endearing mess of Python scripts and hardcore protocol
         specification, Mojo Nation uses machine resources as a
         anonymous micropayment currency to fund file storage, search
         engines and firewall proxies on a massively distributed
         network of machines. The idea here isn't to charge for MP3s
         (as some have intimated), but to charge for the cost of
         maintaining a file-sharing network, using an internal
         currency which you can top up just by offering those
         services yourself. The Mojo Nation creators, Evil Geniuses
         for A Better Tomorrow, promise to offer a real money->mojo
         tokens exchange for those too wimpy to pay in cycles: but
         what's rather more interesting is keeping all your accounts
         in pure, untrackable Mojo's, and then widening the economy
         to cover a whole range of other services. Oh, The Man is
         going to *love* this.
         http://www.mojonation.net/
- LGPLed too, and launched at DefCon. This is so anarcho-PC, it hurts.
         http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=archive99/now1112.txt&line=137#l
                                        - in accordance with prophecy


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         Tonight, Matthew, I vill be JARVIS COCKER
         http://www.zrs.de/tdx2000/personality/person.htm ...
         somebody tell KIBO: http://www.supersig.com/ ... Shouldn't
         there be a label marked "Put your mouse on this and move it
         around?" http://www.cafepress.com/peterme/ ... META tags at
         http://www.bnp.org.uk/ indicate search for critical-minded,
         non-credulous types ... teaching those robotic Germans how
         to RHUMBA: http://www.fe.org/artists/senor.coconut.html ...
         SIR ALAN AYCKBOURN is TV Go Home fan, believes "it's written by
         someone who sounds like he'll be dead within 5 years" ...
         MP3z, musical drama, and ELITE: how could we resist:
         http://www.iancgbell.clara.net/elite/musical/ ...
         DOUG COUPLAND reviews this year's cereal nominations:
         http://www.coupland.com/writtenword/nonsense/spokestoons.html ...
         http://www.createonline.co.uk/ vs http://www.create-online.co.uk/
         (vs http://www.cre@teonline.co.uk/ even)  ... the first
         rule is: you do not talk about STITCH CLUB:
         http://www.latimes.com/news/state/20000801/t000072072.html vs
         http://www.onion.com/onion3621/quilting_society.html ...
         manga "Revelations" http://www.e-sheep.com/apocamon/01.html vs
         POKEMON "Revelations" http://www.e-sheep.com/apocamon/apocadex/ ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                 get out less

         TV>> despite their recent near-random scheduling of the
         peerless original series, MTV *do* seem to be broadcasting
         extreme reality-com TOM GREEN'S CANCER SPECIAL (10pm, Fri,
         MTV), followed by two THE BESTS OF TOM GREEN (10pm, Sat; 9pm,
         Sun), the latter as lead-ins to the ominously titled "Richard
         Blackwood's Comedy Weekend"... if they wanted to avoid
         unflattering comparisons with "Father Ted", why did the makers
         of THE FITZ (9.30pm, Fri; 11.10pm, Sun; BBC2) fill it with
         goofy Oirish stereotypes?... and, clearly being groomed for
         that prestigious Star Trek repeat slot, it's now possible to
         catch THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR three times a week on BBC2
         alone (6.45pm, Fri; 11am, Sun; Mon, 6.20pm)... ITV heads off
         BBC2's simultaneous tribute to Lauren Bacall with a triple
         bill of Peter Sellers programming, starting with one of his
         hilarious "Indian" character-slapsticks THE PARTY (2.15pm,
         Sat, ITV)... sniggering po-mo cultural commentators largely
         survive their feature-length transition BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD DO
         AMERICA (9.50pm, Sun, BBC2) - despite two elementary "You'd
         think with an animated film they would be able to get it
         right" firearm goofs http://www.recguns.com/MGM-BABDA.html ...
         while the maker of the documentary BLOKES (11.40pm, Sun, BBC2)
         re-examines notions of editorial distance by sleeping with at
         least one of her subjects... SECRETS OF THE DEAD (9pm, Mon,
         C4) reveals staggering evidence that the Salem witch-trials
         may have been caused by - ergot wheat poisoning!... we refer
         you to NTK 1999-05-14 for our definitive gag about fighting-
         Kylie beat-em-up STREET FIGHTER (9pm, Tue, C5)... still plenty
         of episodes left of SNL-alumnus vehicle NORM (2.10am, Tue, C4)
         - in the ongoing absence of Seinfeld and Sanders, easily
         terrestrial's cruellest sitcom... and, finally, Jeremy
         "Airport" Spake investigates whether inseminating turkeys is,
         indeed, among THE TOUGHEST JOBS IN BRITAIN (8pm, Thu, BBC1)...

         FILM>> Jerry "The Rock, Armageddon, Bad Boys" Bruckheimer
         reassembles his wacky-name "Con Air" writing team for Angelina
         "Hackers" Jolie / Nic Cage wig-out car-porn GONE IN SIXTY
         SECONDS (imdb: los-angeles-storm-drain / brother / organized-
         crime / auto-theft-ring / auto-theft / police / remake /
         surveillance / twist-in-the-end / waitress / crime-boss /
         detective / drag-racing / burglary / car / chase / convicted-
         felon / hacker / auto-mechanic / mother-son / drugs /
         computer-cracker / heist / lock-pick / machismo) - that's just
         the one "car chase", singular, of any significance but, hey,
         it's big-screen Bruckheimer!... otherwise it's the voices of
         Kenneth Branagh, Kevin Kline, Rosie Perez and Edward "Blade
         Runner" James Olmos - together at last! - in Dreamworks'
         light-hearted retelling of the systematic exploitation and
         smallpox-assisted extermination of the native South American
         peoples - with songs by Tim Rice and Elton John! - on THE ROAD
         TO EL DORADO (http://www.capalert.com : monster attack;
         consistent theme of lust and greed; treating two men as gods;
         God's name in vain once without the four letter expletive;
         sensuality and scant dress; full rear [cartoon] nudity -
         male)...

         INTERNECINE NATHANIC INFIGHTING>> the confession of CHARLIE
         "TVGoHome" BROOKER (currently tipped as the next "Tapehead"
         in the "Guardian Guide") to being the prototypical "Nathan
         Barley" [NTK 2000-07-21] has prompted an unexpected number
         of Spartacus-style counter-claims. "I am the real Nathan
         Barley" proclaimed JAMIE KING on his http://www.jamie.com/
         page, after being nominated in NTK 2000-06-09; within weeks,
         he'd got back in touch with us, gobsmacked that this had led
         to his receiving "regular abuse mail" from "various parts of
         the West London noomedia fraternity looking, maybe, to
         transfer a little of their Nathanness on to me". "I can't
         believe anyone would happily compare themselves to Nathen
         fucking Barley," begins one. "You KNOW you're going to get
         hate mail [...] soulless public school mockney talentless
         smartarse gadget- obsessed tosser fuckwit [...] piss off
         back to obscurity [...]" "This, from someone called
         Tristan!", Jamie seethes, before launching his own polite
         little tirade against "public school people in West
         London"... meanwhile, multiplying the unwitting Nathanity
         ironies still further, ex-NTK music columnist JAMES
         "Habitus" FLINT reveals privileged details about his new
         novel (which due to market pressures will not now be called
         "Habitum"). While writing, he came across TVGoHome, and "in
         partic., the wonderful Nathan Barlow [sic]", a character
         which he would like to licence to appear in his new book, as
         "a young web journalist who has telephone sex with one of my
         characters before bounding off to eagerly interview
         another"... yes, the Nathan-on-Nathan action is definitely
         hotting up, and will hopefully now be recognised with a
         special "Nathano di tutti Nathani" (lit: the "Nathan's
         Nathan") award at next year's Milia show in Cannes - so if
         you stumble across the webpage of a Nathan Barley-style
         "Cunt" (or if, perhaps you are one!) do get in touch with us
         soon, using the subject line "I've stumbled across the
         webpage of a Nathan Barley-style 'Cunt' (or, perhaps, I am
         one!)"...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as 
  "don't thank us, thank whois -h whois.networksolutions.com name FALLON MC*"
           http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,37985,00.html

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