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        "[Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games] spokesman 
         Milton Cockburn said the organisation had expert advice that 
         [making online live results accessible to the blind] would 
         cost $2 million and take more than a year."
    http://www.theage.com.au/frontpage/20000828/A32287-2000Aug28.html 
                                                      - bloody amateurs


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                 over to youse

         Only one week to go before the ceremonial unveiling of the 
         radically new redesigned NTK (which means, by the usual scheme 
         of things, only 3 weeks to go before everyone complains that 
         they don't like it and we're shamefacedly forced to go back to 
         the old one). But if you reckon yourself as some sort of 
         "graphic designer" (or even if you don't), then why not enter 
         the Official NTK DRILY IRONIC T-SHIRT COMPETITION ? Clearly 
         far more than just an attempt to come up with some decent 
         merchandising without having to design it all ourselves, the 
         prizes, in keeping with NTK's pioneering "c2c" business model, 
         will be cafepress.com-style royalties from *every* shirt we 
         eventually sell with your design on it, which is more than 
         "Blue Peter" ever coughed up. Content-wise, you don't have to 
         specifically promote NTK - though you may use NTK slogans like 
         the snappy "They stole our revolution - now we're stealing it 
         back", "In-jokes for outcasts", or "Will consult for food" - 
         and can advocate anything else you think other NTK readers 
         might like instead: pr0n, warez, or self-referential humour, 
         for instance. We prefer to receive URLs rather than gigantic 
         TIFFs, .pngs, or (shudder) .bmps, and, as in the final game of 
         "Rollerball", we're setting *no time limit* for this contest 
         (though obviously the sooner you get us stuff, the sooner 
         you'll be making $$$!) - the competition will continue until 
         we are entirely sated by the entries received, or until 
         everyone involved is dead.
         http://bofhcam.org/co-larters/
                   - before you start with the O'Reilly spoofs, already
         http://bak.spc.org/antibanners/
                                          - blah blah all your own work 
         http://www.cafepress.com/moose2000/ 
                                    - thanks Moose, that ought to do it
         
         We were under the impression that the link between upcoming 
         "This Life" web-designing drama ATTACHMENTS and its associated 
         young people's website was supposed to be a secret, so people 
         might discover the groovy site first and then be pleasantly 
         surprised that it was something to do with those squares at 
         the BBC. And, indeed, it took someone with "root permissions" 
         to blow the gaffe on this one: JANE ROOT, that is, controller 
         of BBC2, who told the Guardian on Monday that the site should 
         "feel as though it has been created by the fictional 
         characters from the drama". Of course, it's actually been 
         constructed, right down to some of the songs on the site, by 
         Mr "Smoother And Faster" himself, the multi-talented DAVID 
         MCCANDLESS [see numerous NTKs passim]. Drama in the show will 
         come from conflict between the creatives and the suits, which 
         will ideally be reflected off-screen - for instance: what will 
         the BBC make of what (we suspect) may be modified, cutting-
         edge content ideas from Macca's long-mooted "cool technology 
         lifestyle mag", turned down by Dennis after they got their 
         fingers burned with "Escape"? Stay tuned, viewers, stay tuned!
         http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/story/0,3605,360101,00.html
             - "quality will also deteriorate again at times of crisis"
         http://www.seethru.co.uk/
                        - could be the brand-new http://i.am/a.gaylord/ 
         
         And finally, QXL's bit of the heavily promoted Coca-Cola 
         COKEAUCTION site was, at time of writing, closed due to 
         "technical difficulties". Ah, that'd be the numerous lots 
         that, earlier this morning, were featuring bids of 9,999,990 
         points (no pictorial evidence, sorry) which, at the current 
         exchange rate, implied those users had drunk (and redeemed) 
         99,999 cans of coke, each, over the last few weeks. We know 
         net users enjoy a caffeinated soft-drink from time to time, 
         but this, as they say, is ridiculous...
         http://www.cokeauction.co.uk/
        - "cokeauction is going to be huge!". And that's just the bids!


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         Without wanting to sound ungrateful (and partly prompted by 
         the admittedly amusing arrival of FART WITHIN THE MATRIX: 
         http://yoyo.org/levine/films/misc/matrix.mpeg - an URL we fear 
         we'll be seeing a lot more of in the coming weeks), readers 
         often ask "How can I tell if you've already seen ...?" So, in 
         place of your regularly scheduled AntiNews (the likes of 
         HALIFAX plans to "plough UKP120" into "Intelligent Finance":
         http://netimperative.com/media/newsarticle.asp?ArticleID=4789
         ... BBC ONLINE search boldly predicts the death of REGGIE KRAY: 
   http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/obituaries/newsid_864000/864752.stm etc)
         here's a bunch of stuff you *don't* need to send us any more, 
         either because it's rubbish, or we've already run it, or both 
         (and, while we're on the subject, that also goes for Windows 
         executables, .bmp files, or pretty much any pic of a webserver 
         falling over, unless it's exceptionally ironic or amusing):
         
         http://www.patents.ibm.com/cgi-bin/viewpat.cmd/US5501650__ - 
         especially people who think it means that it's IBM who have 
         patented an AUTOMATED MASTURBATORY DEVICE... juxtaposition of 
         COMPAQ and "FALCO": http://web14.compaq.com/falco/ ... CHRIS 
         MORRIS' PA prank: http://www.twilight3d.com/humour/temp/ - see 
         http://www.rethink.demon.co.uk/r1frame.html ... THE STORY 
         ABOUT PING: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140502416/ 
         (other AMAZON review anomalies may, however, be acceptable: 
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004WGVR/ )... and 
         finally, a special mention for URLS THAT WE RAN THE PREVIOUS 
         WEEK - http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm being the current 
         outstanding example. 
         
         So now you know. Punishment withheld. For now.


                              >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                        goto's considered non-harmful

         After our great big summer-holiday blitz of a couple of weeks 
         ago, the invites have started to trickle in once again - 
         invites, and *corrections*, with the news that GEEK PRIDE SAN 
         FRANCISCO is now taking place on October 2000-10-13 & 14, at 
         former Webbies venue Nob Hill Masonic Hall ("just like the 
         Simpsons episode", the organiser emails, dweebily). In the 
         meantime, SEGA seems to have realised that not even the ECTS 
         crowd are much interested in their Dreamcast interactive 
         entertainment disappointment any more, and are throwing their 
         Q4 preview open to the public at Leicester Square's Empire 
         Cinema, at 6.45pm on Sun 2000-09-03. As well as a 40 minute 
         preview of upcoming releases, "in-game characters such as 
         Sonic, Ulala and the SoulCalibur fighters will be in 
         attendance to pose for pictures and distribute free Dreamcast 
         drinks and popcorn" - popcorn that everyone will, of course, 
         politely refuse, just in case Sony and Microsoft bring out 
         something better in 18 months' time. 
         http://www.geekpride.org/
             - this time, they've even updated their website. The geeks.
         http://www.green-moon.co.uk/sega/ectspr~1.htm
          - not as mad as http://www.green-moon.co.uk/sega/net_pres.htm
         http://www.comfort-computer.org/
         - meanwhile, at the Foundry, a "generative" Sinclair Spectrum+
         http://www.bbc.co.uk/so/agony/star/star_email.shtml
                 - or send Britney your queries on semiconductor lasers


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         GORE http://www.newsblues.com/Stories/gore.htm imitates ONION 
         http://www.theonion.com/onion3627/visiting_gore_hellhole.html 
         ... new MS variable names ("How many SHITEMIDs in my PIDL?"): 
http://msdn.microsoft.com/library/psdk/shellcc/shell/shell_adv/nse_impl.htm
         - sound like TOURETTE'S BARBIE: http://vorel.com/T-Barbie.htm 
         ... after success of A1's "Take On Me", new U2 single appears 
         to be cover of A-Ha's "The Sun Always Shines On TV"... Mac-
         lovin' Nathans QUINTON, SHOOZ: http://www.junktion.co.uk/ yet 
         to discover "Skip Intro"... sitcom idea: BBC comedy producer 
         lives with DAVE GORMAN, keeps impartially plugging his show! 
http://www.comedyzone.beeb.com/comedy/whatsnew/funnytalk/2000/08/25/mad.html
         ... ELLISON http://www.nypost.com/business/10689.htm imitates 
         ONION http://www.theonion.com/onion3541/rich_guy_wins.html 
         (and he's *still* less recognisable than a chess computer 
http://www.rs6000.ibm.com/resource/pressreleases/2000/Aug/deepblue_celebrity )
         LUKE GOSS to star in MATRIX sequel... in case you thought you 
         could keep making calls until the sats burnt up in the upper 
         atmosphere: http://www.motorola.com/satellite/info/ ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> mild Farrah Fawcett/ Kirk Douglas/ Harvey Keitel (?) 
         nudity gives new meaning to "the moon of Titan" in tedious 
         '80s sci-fi SATURN 3 (11.45pm, Fri, BBC1)... but things start 
         picking up with John Carpenter's "It's a megablast" ASSAULT ON 
         PRECINCT 13 (9.55pm, Sat, BBC2)... plus Cuba Gooding Jr's 
         post-apocalyptic AIDS-drama DAYBREAK (1am, Sat, ITV) offering 
         a healthier alternative to Bowie's interminably arty THE MAN 
         WHO FELL TO EARTH (12.05am, Sat, BBC2)... the BBC seems 
         inexplicably pleased over acquiring those agonisingly 
         protracted 50-min episodes of THUNDERBIRDS (5.25pm, Sun, 
         BBC2)... ELIZABETH (9pm, Sun, C4) is essentially a pointless 
         prequel to "Shakespeare In Love", but without Gwyneth Paltrow 
         or any of the gags... making film of the weekend the "Scary 
         Movie" Wayans Brothers' DON'T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL 
         WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD (12.10am, Sun, BBC2)... 
         the (increasingly fatalistic?) GOOD VS EVIL returns in the 
         prestigious slot of 12midnight, Sun, Sky1... here's hoping the 
         reporters stick "Ride Of The Valkyries" on the stereo as they 
         set off on THE SEARCH FOR KURTZ (11.05pm, Sat; 1.05am, Mon, 
         C4) - the real-life rogue CIA black-ops agent who claims he 
         "inspired" APOCALYPSE NOW (10.15pm, Mon, C4)... time again to 
         reschedule your life around weekday showings of SEINFELD 
         (11.55ish, Mon-Fri, BBC2)... or, alternatively, CGI nanotech 
         superhero MAX STEEL (4.15pm, Tue, ITV) - from the makers of 
         "Starship Troopers: The Animated Series"... no boring old 
         political context gets in the way of documentary "Who Dares 
         Wins"-style thrills in Olympics hostage face-off ONE DAY IN 
         SEPTEMBER (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... an ill-judged attempt to splice 
         the DNA of "The X Files" and "Dawson's Creek" produce pallid, 
         unviable hybrid ROSWELL HIGH (6pm, Thu, BBC2)... while it'll 
         be interesting to see if all the Jamie Oliver-style everyday 
         activities in NIGELLA [LAWSON] BITES (8.30pm, Wed, C4) 
         continue to specifically omit her famously cancer-afflicted 
         husband, John Diamond... 
         
         FILM>> Guy Ritchie addresses head-on criticisms that he can't 
         write female characters or anything other than comedy black 
         guys in hard-hitting, emotive African-American women's 
         ensemble drama SNATCH (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '18' for 
         strong violence and coarse language) - seriously, it looks 
         like a remake of his first film intercut with bits of "Fight 
         Club" - and not in a good way... Neil "In The Company Of Men" 
         LaBute returns with what could be his very own "Cable Guy", in 
         wackily cast too-much-TV weirdness NURSE BETTY (MPAA: Rated R 
         for strong violence, pervasive language and a scene of 
         sexuality) - at last, a feature-length version of that 
         "Friends" episode where Brooke Shields thinks Joey is his soap 
         character... while the arthouse selection includes: Saffron 
         "Wing Commander" Burrows in class-obsessed sexual potboiler 
         MISS JULIE (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '15' for strong 
         language, single use of coarse language, sex and sexual 
         references); a topical look at conjoined twins in TWIN FALLS 
         IDAHO (imdb: siamese-twins / independent-film); or, what could 
         be the "Caligula" for the 21st century, Shakespeare adaptation 
         TITUS (http://www.cndb.com : "a lengthy look at [Alan 
         Cumming's] hairy butt... on video or DVD you can pause and see 
         his penis and balls more clearly"; "for a second you can see 
         [Anthony] Hopkins' ass"; "a fleeting glimpse of [Jessica 
         Lange's] tits as the camera is moving") - not based on the 
         upcoming Sky sitcom of the same name... so you may as well 
         hold on for the Thursday previews of intermittently hilarious 
         scatological "Scream" spoof SCARY MOVIE, which, as if any 
         further recommendation was required, is only the second (out 
         of 320 "analysed") to earn the prized http://www.capalert.com 
         rating of zero, thanks to: admission and impudence at sexual 
         immorality; portrayal of a stuffed monkey masturbating; 
         repeated shots of grossly exaggerated male scrotum; 81 minutes 
         of wanton licentious disregard for righteousness, moral 
         character and inhibition; defiance of rules of courtesy; 
         urination contest; flatulence; tattoos...
         
         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> dedicated biscuiteers have slammed our 
         award of the spotting-credit on the TWIX TOP to Matt "Creme 
         Egg Guy" Lucas [NTK 2000-08-11]: "Limited sampling, my hairy 
         arse," frothed JAMES O'BRIEN, "[They've] been available for 
         months - I've bought them from Tesco in Covent Garden and 
         Safeway in Acton," eventually calming himself with the thought 
         that "something about the wrapper design, coupled with the 
         overall biscuit shape, brings to mind non-wacky 60's 
         packaging"... "[the] buggers were on sale in the Peterborough 
         branch of Asda at least a month ago," concurred DANIEL 
         THORNTON. "I would've mentioned it, but they looked bland as a 
         bland thing"... while JOHN CHANDLER leapt to the newcomer's 
         defence, describing it as "a flattened, inverted Twix. Heavy 
         on the biscuit, skimpy on the chocolate and caramel" - mildly 
         preferable to our analogy with the baboon that goes through 
         the teleporter in "The Fly", and comes out all inside-out. 
         "I've been eating them since the middle of last year, roughly 
         one every work day (two if there's a code deadline)," John 
         confides. "However, the only source appears to be a local 
         Tesco, bizarrely - I can only presume it's to make up for 
         living in an area where no ADSL or Cable is planned for the 
         next 50 years". What, John - you mean the United Kingdom?... 
         STEVE CORNISH conceded that the Twix Top "sounds crap", but is 
         in fact "very addictive", before going on to correct MARK 
         SAVAGE's theory [also NTK 2000-08-11] that Maltesers were 
         "just chocolate coated Horlicks powder". "Years ago, Mars used 
         to buy their malt from Horlicks," Steve recalls, "but Horlicks 
         allegedly pumped up the price too much." How *do* those people 
         sleep at night?... nothing too exciting on the shelves right 
         now - UNCLE BEN'S RISPINOS "Mini-Rice-Snacks" (59p/packet), 
         effectively duplicate the giant sugar-puff sensation of rival 
         Quaker's "Snack A Jacks" [NTK 2000-07-04], while KELLOGG'S 
         have at last got their act together with the CHOCOLATE CARAMEL 
         RICE KRISPIES SQUARES (about 30p), which taste like a proper 
         Rice Krispie cake, but with molten chocolate dribbled all over 
         it... still, a bunch of new brands to look out for, including: 
         independent Milky-Way market-entrant LOVELLS' MILKY LUNCH 
         (25p); Anthea Turner-endorsed Antipodean arrival SNOWFLAKE 
         (UKP1.85 on front of this week's OK MAGAZINE, full roll-out 
         due Sep 11); the appalling sounding WONKA WONKALATE (25p, out 
         now) - a "purple, raspberry-flavoured bar with green 
         'snozzberry' flavour nerds [which] spell out the name Wonka"; 
         plus NESTLE's rapid response to the "Campini" threat emanating 
         from the makers of Werther's Originals, strawberry and cream-
         flavoured POLO SMOOTHIES (99p/packet, out now)... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                    "those in 'geek-denial' need not apply"
                 http://www.freepint.co.uk/issues/170800.htm   
              
                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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