__ __ _2000-01-07 _ _____ _ __ <Post-Y2K Recovery Procedure ON>
| \/ (_)_ __ (_) \ | |_ _| |/ / o Join! Mail 'subscribe ntknow'
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| | | | | | | | | |\ | | | | . \ o Website (+ archive) lives at:
|_| |_|_|_| |_|_|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Too bad Linus didn't choose a starving kid as the mascot."
- "Anonymous Coward" on the pro-penguin charity Slashdot effect
...yeah, wait till you hear what sacrifices *BSD fans make
As we emerge from the bunker and see not a world in flames, but
merely several websites displaying the date as 19100 and a
frantically back-pedalling Ed Yourdon (http://www.yourdon.com/ ),
we have come to regret our decision to trade NTK's webserver for
eight sacks of lentils.
So, while we scrabble around to restore our own affairs, here are
the answers to last century's quiz. NTK will be back with the
usual online disservices next Friday.
(Note: As usual, this MiniNTK is even bigger than a normal NTK,
but in the words of Blaise Pascal, "This one would not be so long
had I but the leisure to make it shorter. Also in my stupid
language I have to pre-declare all the variables at the start,
which drags it out like a mother.")
Need To Know
PS If there are any big lentil fans out there, keep an eye on ebay this
week for a fantastic offer. ]
>> WHOWAS <<
who said what about whom?
"X is just like any ordinary rock star. He gets out of the
plane and when he walks down the stairs he still doesn't
know which country he is in."
- EX-DIGICASH EMPLOYEE on the Keith Moon of MIT, NICHOLAS NEGROPONTE
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0212.txt "Sentiment is against us. We need to smile at X while we
pull the trigger."
- Microsoft's JIM ALLCHIN, where X=NOVELL, and "the trigger"
is a perfectly acceptable business practice, m'lud.
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0430.txt "spineless and cowardly... frankly a tosser"
- ROY BLISS, then-MD of Demon on those who insult former
colleagues in company-wide emails
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0305.txt "Jeopardize the interests of our entire tribe [and] I will
find a way to make you regret it. Watch your step."
- ERIC S. RAYMOND with some neighbourly advice for BRUCE PERENS
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0409.txt "Words that have recently caused trouble: 'intrepid',
- Leaked memo to "BIG BREAKFAST" WRITERS on the preferred
vocabulary of then-presenter KELLY BROOK
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0305.txt "Not physically a Commodore 64, but ethically it's similar."
- A comp.sys.ibm regular looks deep into the WEB.IT's soul
http://www.commodore64.com/http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0108.txt&l=126#l "X will go to schools in the evenings for cheap access."
- BT MD PETER BONFIELD rounds up the POOR
http://www.zdnet.co.uk/news/1999/43/ns-11169.html "passwords for adult sites including jokes, porn, pussy,
beastiality and carmen electra, animal sex and sex stories
with tits, big tits and free porn simpsons and nasa starcraft
- Plucky Essex pop act "THE AOL GIRLS" about one of their
own members, "14 year-old Carly", in official website <META> tags.
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0326.txt "The most dangerous man in Britain today"
- PAUL JOHNSON spreads his own meme about the RICHARD DAWKINS,
Daily Mail, 1999-02-01
http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0205.txt&line=160#l "Smack you upside the head with a hockey stick"
- UNIDENTIFIED POSTER TO SOC.CULTURE.CANADA on a UK libel
verdict against a Canadian citizen [details withheld on legal advice]
"A Rastafarian Stepin Fetchit on platform hoofs, crossed
annoyingly with Butterfly McQueen"
- Joe Morgenstern, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, on JAR-JAR BINKS:
http://www.villagevoice.com/features/9923/goldstein.shtml BONUS PAPER ROUND:
Reviewing the Public Enemy MP3 album, TIMES INTERFACE (1999-06-09)
settled on: "Ease of use: 5/10 (couldn't get it to work)"
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH used "Bloody revenge of Internet nerds obsessed
with Satan and Nazis" as a front page headline on 1999-04-20
THE GUARDIAN CONSUMER SECTION referred to both "SSL (Secure Locket
Layer)" then, just weeks later, "Wireless Application Protocol
>> LYRICS DOT TCH! <<
the worst music of the year, free to download
"It's been hours, seems like days/ since you went away,
And all I do is check the screen/ to see if you're ok"
EMAIL MY HEART, Britney Spears
"I live alone/ I have home, car"
MAHIR CAGHRI TRIBUTE
http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/63/mahir_cagri.html "[unintelligible] to beat / how 'bout the most complete
Internet products available?
Traffic variations for large populations
you're meeting demand - you're being scalable"
THE NETSCAPE/ SUN ALLIANCE RAP, Netscape promotion
http://www.ntk.net/media/knowhow.ram "Kill him Mr Lucas, I implore you!"
JAR-JAR BINKS MUST DIE, Damn Nation
http://www.oakland.edu/~zztasesk/jarjar.html "We bought it to help with your homework,
and the household accounts,
if your dad ever works it all out"
HEY HEY 16K, MJ Hibbert
http://www.aas.mcmail.com/aas024/start.htm "I have a dream, and it's called a cross-bar switch,
What will this mean is no big data glitch"
I HAVE A DREAM, SGI promotion
http://www.ntk.net/ads/dream.mp3 "Move your hips in a gyrating circle,
got to get deep like my main man Urkel"
GO TO THE BODY, Rebecca Eisenberg and friends
http://greenrocket.com/mp3/ "Bake for the future!" (translated from the German)
BACK FOR THE FUTURE (The Official Amiga Anthem)
http://www.perez.de/annex/ >> OFF TRACKING <<
last minute Christmas presents
A Pentium Keychain?
http://www.triptonics.com/keychain/ A Butt Hinge?
http://www.patents.ibm.com/details?pn=US05819372__&language=en A CTRL-ALT-DEL footpedal?
http://www.mtco.com/~goettjp/PornPilot.html A Furby Hooker?
http://www.fishdot.org/furby/ A new, 2.4 GW nuclear power plant (price on application)?
http://www.usedturbines.com/#powerplants A Photon Push-Pull Radiation Detector for Use In
Chromatically Selective Cat Flap Control and 1000 Megaton
Earth-Orbital Peace-Keeping Bomb?
http://dips-2.dips.org/dips/viewer?PN=GB1426698&CY=gb&LG=en&DB=EPD A Lara Croft poster composed entirely of pornographic thumbnails?
http://www.smalleranimals.com/tylergalleryboard/lara.jpg >> CODE REVIEW <<
descriptions you'll never forget of films you never saw
IMDB: based-on-novel / controversial / cult-favorites /
detective / dominant-mother / rain /
masturbation-scene / money / mother / birds / dead
/ shower / house / murder / bathroom /
psychological / stolen-money / swamp / thief /
toilet / transvestitism ?
IMDB: hitwoman / insurance / interracial-love / liberals
/ los-angeles / love / may-december-romance / /
politically-incorrect / / rap / satire / /
socialism / south-central / suicide / vulgarity /
afro-american / assassination-attempt /
assassination / black / california / controversial
/ drug-dealer / gangs / hip-hop / hitman ?
IMDB: computer-fraud / twist-in-the- end / robbery /
skyscraper / technology / double-cross / computers
/ laser / insurance / master-thief / new-year's-eve ?
IMDB: cannibalism / indian / reincarnation / windigo /
california / manifest-destiny / satire / scottish /
stew / westward-expansion / winter / cave /
chaplain / fort / frontier / historical / horses
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: petty theft;
planning to defy father's wish; nude female
breasts; fondling of female breasts; portrayal of
beings having power of the weather; counterfeiting
of God's plan for the family hierarchy; public
Answer: A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM
public urination; rudeness to the elderly; leaving
a five year old boy in the care of two male
homosexuals; homosexual patting of genitals;
homosexual statues; a general licentious disregard
for that which is traditionally proper
Answer: BIG DADDY
>> QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS <<
(for Unix users:)
Q. How do you do a for loop in awk? (Easy)
A. for (initialization; condition; increment) body
Q. What's a christmas tree packet?
A. A packet with every single option set for whatever protocol is
Q. What status response should be sent back by a HTTP/1.1 server
to a HTTP/0.9 GET request?
A. Trick question! The HTTP/0.9 protocol doesn't support a status
response. And it doesn't send it's version number, anyway - so
this shouldn't happen. Hahahah! You're *sacked*!
(for Windows users:)
Q. If you boot Windows NT and you're missing the TCPIP.SYS - what
A. Blue Screen Of Death on Boot
Q. If you remove the MAC address for your own machine from the
Windows ARP cache - what happens?
A. Blue Screen Of Death on Boot
Q. And if you're stupid enough to try out either of the above on
your own machine, what should you have done first?
A. What we should have done with the pre-Y2K Website: backed it up.
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> those On:Digital subscriptions pay off at last, as Sky
serves up not just rebadged "Roswell" US teen alien sitcom
ROSWELL HIGH (8pm, Thu, Sky1), season 3 of BUFFY (8pm, Fri,
Sky1), and season 1 of Buff spinoff ANGEL (9pm, Fri, Sky1) -
but also, and perhaps most unmissiably, STARSHIP TROOPERS:
THE ANIMATED SERIES (7.30am, Mon-Fri, Sky1)... there's a
"slightly better" new series of FRASIER (10pm, Fri, C4)...
*two* no-doubt hee-larious character comedy shows in the
form of WHATEVER YOU WANT (11.30pm, Fri, ITV) plus THAT
PETER KAY THING (10.30pm, Wed, C4)... and, if it seems
jokier and less dark than you remember it, it's because
you've tuned to Steve Martin in THE LONELY GUY (9pm, Fri,
BBC2) instead of Kevin Spacey in SE7EN (9.30pm, Fri,
BBC1)... C4 picks up last week's Woody Allen baton with
as-you'd-expect backstage docu WILD MAN BLUES (10.30pm, Sat,
C4), dated sketch anthology EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO
KNOW ABOUT SEX (12.30am, Sat, C4), and foul- mouthed
autobiog adoption knockabout MIGHTY APHRODITE (11.05pm, Sun,
C4)... and the contest for wackiest futureview hots up, with
deranged Rubik's Snake-rape sci-fi DEMON SEED (12.30am, Sat,
BBC2), plus lively 19100AD shoot-em-up JUDGE DREDD (10pm,
Mon, BBC1), rivalling even Nostradamus-inflected invasion
drama FIRST WAVE (8.05pm, Thu, C4) and Richard Metzger's
Montauk Project expose based-on-original-website
counterculture mag DISINFO NATION (12.05am, Thu, C4)...
FILM>> for the last time, "SLEEPY, HOLLOW" is supposed to be
the film's title, *not* a description of Tim Burton's visual
style! (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : excessive
cleavage; nearly continuous excitement; graphic imagery of a
headless resurrected battle death victim terrorizing the
countryside on horse and on foot). No plot, nutty
semi-parodic casting, plus Burton's usual in-jokes, not
least of which seems to be that the Headless Horseman comes
on like a steampunk Terminator... or, if you're looking for
something slightly more morbidly cathartic, there's
Scorsese's breast-beating NY ambulance-chaser BRINGING OUT
THE DEAD (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : graphic drug
reaction; mockery of God's sovereignty; many women with the
same face; graphic conduct of CPR with defibrillation;
repeated episodes of multiple injuries in the emergency room
with mayhem) - extended episode of Casualty meets endless
Nic Cage wig-out scene!...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as "happens to everyone"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
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