Need To Know 2000-01-07

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"Too bad Linus didn't choose a starving kid as the mascot." - "Anonymous Coward" on the pro-penguin charity Slashdot effect http://slashdot.org/articles/00/01/06/0915249.shtml ...yeah, wait till you hear what sacrifices *BSD fans make [ As we emerge from the bunker and see not a world in flames, but merely several websites displaying the date as 19100 and a frantically back-pedalling Ed Yourdon (http://www.yourdon.com/ ), we have come to regret our decision to trade NTK's webserver for eight sacks of lentils. So, while we scrabble around to restore our own affairs, here are the answers to last century's quiz. NTK will be back with the usual online disservices next Friday. (Note: As usual, this MiniNTK is even bigger than a normal NTK, but in the words of Blaise Pascal, "This one would not be so long had I but the leisure to make it shorter. Also in my stupid language I have to pre-declare all the variables at the start, which drags it out like a mother.") Love, Need To Know PS If there are any big lentil fans out there, keep an eye on ebay this week for a fantastic offer. ] >> WHOWAS << who said what about whom? "X is just like any ordinary rock star. He gets out of the plane and when he walks down the stairs he still doesn't know which country he is in." - EX-DIGICASH EMPLOYEE on the Keith Moon of MIT, NICHOLAS NEGROPONTE http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0212.txt "Sentiment is against us. We need to smile at X while we pull the trigger." - Microsoft's JIM ALLCHIN, where X=NOVELL, and "the trigger" is a perfectly acceptable business practice, m'lud. http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0430.txt "spineless and cowardly... frankly a tosser" - ROY BLISS, then-MD of Demon on those who insult former colleagues in company-wide emails http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0305.txt "Jeopardize the interests of our entire tribe [and] I will find a way to make you regret it. Watch your step." - ERIC S. RAYMOND with some neighbourly advice for BRUCE PERENS http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0409.txt "Words that have recently caused trouble: 'intrepid', 'satirical'." - Leaked memo to "BIG BREAKFAST" WRITERS on the preferred vocabulary of then-presenter KELLY BROOK http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0305.txt "Not physically a Commodore 64, but ethically it's similar." - A comp.sys.ibm regular looks deep into the WEB.IT's soul http://www.commodore64.com/ http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0108.txt&l=126#l "X will go to schools in the evenings for cheap access." - BT MD PETER BONFIELD rounds up the POOR http://www.zdnet.co.uk/news/1999/43/ns-11169.html "passwords for adult sites including jokes, porn, pussy, beastiality and carmen electra, animal sex and sex stories with tits, big tits and free porn simpsons and nasa starcraft movies" - Plucky Essex pop act "THE AOL GIRLS" about one of their own members, "14 year-old Carly", in official website <META> tags. http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0326.txt "The most dangerous man in Britain today" - PAUL JOHNSON spreads his own meme about the RICHARD DAWKINS, Daily Mail, 1999-02-01 http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now0205.txt&line=160#l "Smack you upside the head with a hockey stick" - UNIDENTIFIED POSTER TO SOC.CULTURE.CANADA on a UK libel verdict against a Canadian citizen [details withheld on legal advice] "A Rastafarian Stepin Fetchit on platform hoofs, crossed annoyingly with Butterfly McQueen" - Joe Morgenstern, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, on JAR-JAR BINKS: http://www.villagevoice.com/features/9923/goldstein.shtml BONUS PAPER ROUND: Reviewing the Public Enemy MP3 album, TIMES INTERFACE (1999-06-09) settled on: "Ease of use: 5/10 (couldn't get it to work)" THE DAILY TELEGRAPH used "Bloody revenge of Internet nerds obsessed with Satan and Nazis" as a front page headline on 1999-04-20 THE GUARDIAN CONSUMER SECTION referred to both "SSL (Secure Locket Layer)" then, just weeks later, "Wireless Application Protocol (WOP)" >> LYRICS DOT TCH! << the worst music of the year, free to download "It's been hours, seems like days/ since you went away, And all I do is check the screen/ to see if you're ok" EMAIL MY HEART, Britney Spears "I live alone/ I have home, car" MAHIR CAGHRI TRIBUTE http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/63/mahir_cagri.html "[unintelligible] to beat / how 'bout the most complete Internet products available? Traffic variations for large populations you're meeting demand - you're being scalable" THE NETSCAPE/ SUN ALLIANCE RAP, Netscape promotion http://www.ntk.net/media/knowhow.ram "Kill him Mr Lucas, I implore you!" JAR-JAR BINKS MUST DIE, Damn Nation http://www.oakland.edu/~zztasesk/jarjar.html "We bought it to help with your homework, and the household accounts, if your dad ever works it all out" HEY HEY 16K, MJ Hibbert http://www.aas.mcmail.com/aas024/start.htm "I have a dream, and it's called a cross-bar switch, What will this mean is no big data glitch" I HAVE A DREAM, SGI promotion http://www.ntk.net/ads/dream.mp3 "Move your hips in a gyrating circle, got to get deep like my main man Urkel" GO TO THE BODY, Rebecca Eisenberg and friends http://greenrocket.com/mp3/ "Bake for the future!" (translated from the German) BACK FOR THE FUTURE (The Official Amiga Anthem) http://www.perez.de/annex/ >> OFF TRACKING << last minute Christmas presents A Pentium Keychain? http://www.triptonics.com/keychain/ A Butt Hinge? http://www.patents.ibm.com/details?pn=US05819372__&language=en A CTRL-ALT-DEL footpedal? http://www.bilbo.com/ PalmPilotPorn? http://www.mtco.com/~goettjp/PornPilot.html A Furby Hooker? http://www.fishdot.org/furby/ A new, 2.4 GW nuclear power plant (price on application)? http://www.usedturbines.com/#powerplants A Photon Push-Pull Radiation Detector for Use In Chromatically Selective Cat Flap Control and 1000 Megaton Earth-Orbital Peace-Keeping Bomb? http://dips-2.dips.org/dips/viewer?PN=GB1426698&CY=gb&LG=en&DB=EPD A Lara Croft poster composed entirely of pornographic thumbnails? http://www.smalleranimals.com/tylergalleryboard/lara.jpg >> CODE REVIEW << descriptions you'll never forget of films you never saw IMDB: based-on-novel / controversial / cult-favorites / detective / dominant-mother / rain / masturbation-scene / money / mother / birds / dead / shower / house / murder / bathroom / psychological / stolen-money / swamp / thief / toilet / transvestitism ? Answer: PSYCHO IMDB: hitwoman / insurance / interracial-love / liberals / los-angeles / love / may-december-romance / / politically-incorrect / / rap / satire / / socialism / south-central / suicide / vulgarity / afro-american / assassination-attempt / assassination / black / california / controversial / drug-dealer / gangs / hip-hop / hitman ? Answer: BULWORTH IMDB: computer-fraud / twist-in-the- end / robbery / skyscraper / technology / double-cross / computers / laser / insurance / master-thief / new-year's-eve ? Answer: ENTRAPMENT IMDB: cannibalism / indian / reincarnation / windigo / california / manifest-destiny / satire / scottish / stew / westward-expansion / winter / cave / chaplain / fort / frontier / historical / horses Answer: RAVENOUS http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: petty theft; planning to defy father's wish; nude female breasts; fondling of female breasts; portrayal of beings having power of the weather; counterfeiting of God's plan for the family hierarchy; public urination Answer: A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM http://www.capalert.com/capreports/: repeated public urination; rudeness to the elderly; leaving a five year old boy in the care of two male homosexuals; homosexual patting of genitals; homosexual statues; a general licentious disregard for that which is traditionally proper Answer: BIG DADDY >> QUICKFIRE SUIT AND TIE-BREAKERS << (for Unix users:) Q. How do you do a for loop in awk? (Easy) A. for (initialization; condition; increment) body Q. What's a christmas tree packet? A. A packet with every single option set for whatever protocol is in use. Q. What status response should be sent back by a HTTP/1.1 server to a HTTP/0.9 GET request? A. Trick question! The HTTP/0.9 protocol doesn't support a status response. And it doesn't send it's version number, anyway - so this shouldn't happen. Hahahah! You're *sacked*! (for Windows users:) Q. If you boot Windows NT and you're missing the TCPIP.SYS - what happens? A. Blue Screen Of Death on Boot Q. If you remove the MAC address for your own machine from the Windows ARP cache - what happens? A. Blue Screen Of Death on Boot Q. And if you're stupid enough to try out either of the above on your own machine, what should you have done first? A. What we should have done with the pre-Y2K Website: backed it up. >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> those On:Digital subscriptions pay off at last, as Sky serves up not just rebadged "Roswell" US teen alien sitcom ROSWELL HIGH (8pm, Thu, Sky1), season 3 of BUFFY (8pm, Fri, Sky1), and season 1 of Buff spinoff ANGEL (9pm, Fri, Sky1) - but also, and perhaps most unmissiably, STARSHIP TROOPERS: THE ANIMATED SERIES (7.30am, Mon-Fri, Sky1)... there's a "slightly better" new series of FRASIER (10pm, Fri, C4)... *two* no-doubt hee-larious character comedy shows in the form of WHATEVER YOU WANT (11.30pm, Fri, ITV) plus THAT PETER KAY THING (10.30pm, Wed, C4)... and, if it seems jokier and less dark than you remember it, it's because you've tuned to Steve Martin in THE LONELY GUY (9pm, Fri, BBC2) instead of Kevin Spacey in SE7EN (9.30pm, Fri, BBC1)... C4 picks up last week's Woody Allen baton with as-you'd-expect backstage docu WILD MAN BLUES (10.30pm, Sat, C4), dated sketch anthology EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (12.30am, Sat, C4), and foul- mouthed autobiog adoption knockabout MIGHTY APHRODITE (11.05pm, Sun, C4)... and the contest for wackiest futureview hots up, with deranged Rubik's Snake-rape sci-fi DEMON SEED (12.30am, Sat, BBC2), plus lively 19100AD shoot-em-up JUDGE DREDD (10pm, Mon, BBC1), rivalling even Nostradamus-inflected invasion drama FIRST WAVE (8.05pm, Thu, C4) and Richard Metzger's Montauk Project expose based-on-original-website counterculture mag DISINFO NATION (12.05am, Thu, C4)... FILM>> for the last time, "SLEEPY, HOLLOW" is supposed to be the film's title, *not* a description of Tim Burton's visual style! (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : excessive cleavage; nearly continuous excitement; graphic imagery of a headless resurrected battle death victim terrorizing the countryside on horse and on foot). No plot, nutty semi-parodic casting, plus Burton's usual in-jokes, not least of which seems to be that the Headless Horseman comes on like a steampunk Terminator... or, if you're looking for something slightly more morbidly cathartic, there's Scorsese's breast-beating NY ambulance-chaser BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : graphic drug reaction; mockery of God's sovereignty; many women with the same face; graphic conduct of CPR with defibrillation; repeated episodes of multiple injuries in the emergency room with mayhem) - extended episode of Casualty meets endless Nic Cage wig-out scene!... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "happens to everyone" http://www.theregister.co.uk/991231-000005.html NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntk.net/books (K) 19100 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com - remember your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Remember: Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.