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         "It was April 1998, you had only heard of the internet if you 
          had a ponytail..." 
     - DOTCOM TELEGRAPH, whose predecessor, CONNECTED, started in 1996
          ( http://www.telegraph.co.uk/et?et/00/11/23/ecfnick23.html )
             ...actually, didn't the ponytails turn up in Sept '99?


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                 kah ay-ay boos
         
         "Hacking Furby" is such a powerful Net meme that when PETER 
         VAN DER "alt.folklore.urban" LINDEN got involved, we assumed 
         that he was just out to expose the whole idea as virulent 
         fiction. But here's the sting in the tale: PVDL was out to 
         turn myth into glorious *reality*. Eleven months after posting 
         a $250 reward to the first person to really hack the toys, van 
         der Linden has announced a winner. To some extent, Jeffrey 
         Gibbon's entry is a hack of the idea of "Hacking Furby", being 
         a wholesale bypassing of the unreadable Furby chipset with a 
         custom board. The firmware is currently somewhat incomplete 
         (despite promises of a full real-time multitasking FurbOS). It 
         does let you encode and play your own sweary samples though. 
         And what else did you want?
         http://www.afu.com/furby/winner.html
         - "believed true"
         http://www.wirednews.com/wired/archive/6.09/furby.html?pg=10
         - and just in case Tiger doesn't sue, here's more prior art
         http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Mountain/6692/patriotic.html
         - ladies and gentlemen: the perfect unquestioning cyberwarrior
         http://www.robonagi.com/
         - vs Furby-terminators from the future...
         
         Well, can't argue with all this Lane Fox-hunting in the proper 
         media, which we're sure is due to in-depth re-examinations of 
         those earlier "Britain salutes its dotcomillionaire genii" 
         gush pieces, and nothing to do with it being a slow news week. 
         Oh no. Still, it *is* odd that for all these column inches, 
         nobody seems to be answering the really tough questions, as 
         put to us by regular NTK falcologist, Alex Balfour. In a 
         quizzical update to his original IPO examination of 
         Lastminute's chancer chances [NTK 2000-03-17], Alex asks: 
         "Hemscott now lists LM's current shareholders as Cheetah Intl 
         Invs Ltd 15.14% (VC fund), Global Retail Partners LP 8.28% (VC 
         fund), Innovacomm 4.47% (VC), BAA PLC 3.60%, Intel 3.29%, 
         Venture Partners Multimedia 3.00% (VC), L P M R Laffy 15.14%, 
         B Hoberman 9.24%, Linda Fayne Levinson 8.28%,Martha L Fox 
         5.99%, P J Alzon 1.19%, T A Teichman 1.03%, Other Dirs 0.02%. 
         This is utterly different from their shareholder structure in 
         April 2000 (as reported by HuginOnline) - mainly, because 
         their venture capital fund ownership looks to have increased, 
         and their institutional shareholders (Sony, Deutsche Telekom, 
         Orange, Mitsubishi, Sheraton) have all but disappeared. Isn't 
         it supposed to be the other way around? Wouldn't all those VCs 
         be desperate to flog the shop off by now? And who are those 
         new individual investors, with bigger cuts than the founders? 
         Can you point me to one of Last Minute-bashing analysis that 
         covers this in a bit more detail?" Love to, Alex: we're a bit 
         clueless when it comes to this stuff, but, hey, that's what 
         these financial journos are paid to write about, after all. 
         Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? 
         http://www.huginonline.co.uk/LMCL/SERV/shareholders.html
         - compare
         http://www.hemscott.com/equities/company/share/shr03884.htm
         - contrast
         
         Eagle-eyed Hansard watchers may already have spotted the 
         government's attempts to excise the RIPA Tribunal, the only 
         appeal mechanism possible for recipients of RIP Orders, from 
         disclosure under the Freedom of Information Act. Well, one 
         secret's out: it actually formed in October. The technical-
         oversight-committee-in-exile of the Ukcrypto mailing list 
         swiftly scanned the released list of members, and spotted the 
         only one to publically comment on previous proposals, one Mr 
         William Carmichael. Like many concerned citizens, William 
         wrote in to comment the Interception of Communications Act 
         consultation. He felt, in summary, that we were squishy-soft 
         on monitoring UK citizens in crimes against the economic 
         wellbeing of the country. And that surveillance tapes should 
         be admissable as evidence - but that the defence lawyers 
         shouldn't be allowed to question their veracity. Sigh. He was 
         on the old IOCA tribunal too. Our vast investigate reporting 
         resources (Google) are otherwise silent on his background, 
         except that if he *was* the William Carmichael that Thomas 
         Jefferson wrote to in 1788, saying "It [is] more dangerous 
         that even a guilty person should be punished without the forms 
         of law, than that he should escape", we hope he was listening.
http://www.cs.ucl.ac.uk/staff/I.Brown/archives/ukcrypto/nov2000/msg00144.html
         - ...oh, and he uses a typewriter
         http://www.fipr.org/rip/
         - we see Charles Clarke is busy changing the history books too 
         
         
                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         TELEGRAPH believes banking records kept in "motherboards": 
         http://www.telegraph.co.uk/et?pg=/et/00/11/22/nbank22.html ... 
         CLAN SPICE GIRLS not the only ones whose judgement clouded by 
         alcohol: http://www.pczone.co.uk/willson100/news/34339.html ; 
         http://www.wine-alley.com/wines/desmail.asp?id=242797&l=uk - 
         "so if I just change that id number"... TIMES INTERFACE: 
         http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/0,,38101,00.html don't read 
         REGISTER: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/14815.html 
         ... http://www.wired.com/news/photo/0,1860,40170,00.html vs 
         http://www.fatbabies.com/musing_sonyresponse.jpg ... entirely 
         baseless USENET rumour receives extensive media coverage: 
         http://www.theage.com.au/news/20001116/A52971-2000Nov15.html 
         ... YAHOO blows the whistle on hushed-up UK hyperinflation: 
         http://uk.news.yahoo.com/001121/80/apnyk.html ... "Save us, 
         laptop-buyer" http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/24/dohibm.gif "You're 
         our only hope!"... universe was GIANT CELLULAR AUTOMATON all 
         along: http://www.forbes.com/asap/2000/1127/162_print.html ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         AL Digital's server-bunker. Titles like "Earth Shelter 
         Technology" and "Underground Homes" appearing on the NTK 
         bestseller list. And, er, "Half-Life". There can be no clearer 
         evidence that many humans are subconsciously hoping to fulfil 
         the popular sci-fi prophecy that, by the 21st century, we 
         should all be living underground. And what better chance to 
         sample the delights of subterranean existence than NERVE/ 
         DARKSIDE UK's G2000 LAN PARTY, being held at the Kelvedon 
         Hatch Nuclear Bunker, near Brentwood in Essex, Dec 2000-12-
         16/18. "First person shooters" will, predictably, be the order 
         of the day, though "other activities" are planned; tickets are 
         UKP10/day or UKP28 for all three, and include admission, crash 
         space, electricity, some meals, an opportunity to drink your 
         own re-processed urine and, presumably, an increased chance of 
         survival if some rogue nation exploits the current window of 
         opportunity and launches an ICBM attack on the leaderless US.
         http://www.nerve.org.uk/g2000/
         - and emerge, blinking, as rulers of a new world
         http://www.thebunker.net/pressrel_180998.htm
         - famous non-surface-dwellers: Morlocks, NORAD, Hitler...
         
         Or, for those of us still nostalgic for the good old days of 
         tabletop wargaming and saving throws of the d20, this weekend 
         sees the debut of DRAGONMEET 2000, "inspired by the Dragonmeet 
         conventions organised by Games Workshop in the 1980s" (10am, 
         Sat 2000-11-25, Conway Hall, London, UKP5 on the door). Guest 
         of honour is John Kovalic, the man behind "Dork Tower" and 
         "Pokethulhu" (of course), and it's been orchestrated by James 
         "CrazyNet" Wallis, who has volunteered to "help out" if we 
         ever get round to doing an NTK convention (as threatened in 
         last week's issue), so it might be worth dropping by if you're 
         "in the area" (geographically and/or mentally), just to see 
         what he might have in mind.
         http://www.dragonmeet.com/
         - more navigable than Nov's New Media Underground Festival...
         http://www.nmuf.org/
         - ...which isn't exactly an encouraging sign
         

                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Ah, that old Tracking faithful, Beat The Firewall. Our roving 
         ftp correspondent, Yoz, writes: "If you had ten pence for 
         every time you'd been stuck behind a firewall at a new job and 
         talked with your sysadmin chum about how cool it'd be if you 
         could tunnel your essential protocols (e.g. ICQ, Napster) 
         through something like HTTP, then... you still wouldn't have 
         enough to afford the server rental outside the firewall. 
         Fortunately, HTTP-TUNNEL does *both* - not only have they 
         written a client, but they're hosting servers for you to proxy 
         through. And it seems to work. Okay, so it's Windows-only, but 
         how hard is it for you *nixers to 0wn the firewall anyway?" 
         http://http-tunnel.com/newpage/icqp.htm 
       - .zip with InstallShield installer & MFC DLLs: 1.3MB. without: 45K 
         http://www.nocrew.org/software/httptunnel.html 
- not to be confused with GNU httptunnel, although we can't see them suing 


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         for those "evil parallel-universe self" days in the office: 
         http://www.io.com/~sjohn/goatee.htm ... you'll go BLIND: 
         http://lists.w3.org/Archives/Public/w3c-wai-ig/2000OctDec/0349.html 
         vs http://www.theweekly.co.uk/007/radio_weekly.html ... life 
         imitates COCOON: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/001122/80/aprk9.html 
         ... http://www.ifilm.com/db/static_text/0,1699,9163,00.html - 
         not too early to hoax EPISODE 2... not quite what we meant: 
         http://tv.cream.org/buchan ... "Hmm, 12 letters, starts with 
         '__'": http://user-mode-linux.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/hangman 
         ... fuckin' MAINFRAMES: http://unixsex.com/admins/vintage/ ... 
         NICHOLSON BAKER, without the masturbating - though then again: 
         http://www.ashleypomeroy.com/gontar.html ... horizontal ruler 
         metrics on think-big STAROFFICE word processor can be set to 
         feet, kilometers and miles... the return of GOPHER (and so 
         quickly!): http://www.scn.org/~bkarger/gopher-manifesto ... 
         http://www.billboardliberation.com/actions/new_economy.html vs 
         http://www.shite.freeserve.co.uk/notmail/ ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> BBC1's late-nighter A TOWN CALLED HELL (1am, Fri) is, of 
         course, the title-censored version of the film "A Town Called 
         Bastard"... C5 concludes a week of almost non-stop cyber-
         bollocks with VIRTUAL GIRL (11.45pm, Fri) - then catches you 
         out by fielding surprisingly good stuff like period serial 
         kill 10 RILLINGTON PLACE (11.40pm, Sat), porn-chic John Holmes 
         semi-biopic BOOGIE NIGHTS (10pm, Mon) and, er, Ice T and 
         Coolio fighting to destroy a planet-killing asteroid in 
         JUDGEMENT DAY (9pm, Tue)... while pre-Pentium image processing 
         hardware allows Kevin Costner to slip away in NO WAY OUT 
         (10.55pm, Sat, ITV)... relativistic kiddie flick FLIGHT OF THE 
         NAVIGATOR (2.15pm, Sun, BBC1) comes round for its second pass 
         since Jan 1999... dialogue from '70s gang fight THE WARRIORS 
         (10pm, Sun, BBC2) has now been sampled so extensively, the 
         film sounds like an ambient Pop Will Eat Itself album... and 
         C4 appear to be promoting patchy spy slapstick AUSTIN POWERS: 
         INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY (9pm, Sun) by pointing out goofs 
         in the script, seemingly unaware that nor is it possible to 
         cryogenically freeze humans then bring them back to life... 
         fuelling "Bonfire Of The Vanities"-style speculation on who 
         his character "might really be based on", Ben Moor plays a 
         trivia-obsessed webmaster called "Brian O'Green" in erratic 
         Pub Landlord Cheers-tribute TIME GENTLEMEN PLEASE (10.30pm, 
         Mon; 11pm, Sun, Sky1)... and, inexplicably, Weds is shaping up 
         as the big ratings battleground, with BBC1 fielding "Despite 
         Warnings, Stubborn Mayor Refuses To Cancel Festivities" 
         classic JAWS (10.35pm) against working class prostitution 
         metaphor THE FULL MONTY (9.30pm, ITV) - vs a no-doubt Ford 
         Puma ad-packed showing of Steve McQueen's BULLITT (9pm, C5)...

         FILM>> after not being released last time we said it was [see 
         NTK 2000-11-03] Joushua Jackson's secret society scarer THE 
         SKULLS (imdb: branding / secret-society / college / cover-up / 
         fake-suicide / falsely-committed / father-son-relationship / 
         neck-breaking-scene / conspiracy / psychiatric-hospital / 
         reporter / rowing / surveillance-camera / chase / duel / 
         class-differences) finally appears the very same week as two 
         other almost-rhyming film titles: wrestling fan spoof READY TO 
         RUMBLE (http://www.capalert.com : tattoos; rapid series of 
         crotch hits/kicks clearly for the "shock value"; long series 
         of belittling nuns) - based on neither the PS2 launch title 
         nor the Ant and Dec song of the same name... plus, of course, 
         the out-of-nowhere contender for "Best Worst Film Of The 
         Year": Tom Green, Bill Murray, Tim Curry - and some chicks as 
         well! - together at last in near-pornographic wirework action-
         fest CHARLIE'S ANGELS (http://www.cndb.com : [Cameron Diaz] 
         shakes her booty in very cute panties at the camera for an 
         extended period of time [...] We see Drew [Barrymore] covered 
         in sheets twice in the movie, exposing some nice hip [...] To 
         seduce a limo driver, [Drew] unzips her jump suit down to her 
         wait, exposing side views of her breasts that leave nothing to 
         the imagination. I liked the movie, and I liked Drew's 
         breasts). To which NTK reader Greg Mendizabal adds: "They lift 
         the bad guy's Palm (pilot) and when they zoomed in on the 
         screen, despite it being similar to the Palm, the corner logo 
         said 'Powered By Windows' like a CE device"... targetting a 
         less overtly heterosexual audience, there's long-unawited 
         Schumacher/ De Niro campfest FLAWLESS (http://www.capalert.com 
         : a completely homosexual movie; vast number of homosexual 
         presences of all kinds; sexual cake)... don't hold out for a 
         wide release for Spike Lee's more laughs than usual African-
         American stand-up tour movie THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY 
         (http://www.screenit.com/ : The film might obviously inspire 
         kids to try to elicit laughs from jokes and profanity, as well 
         as the exaggerated gestures and dancing the comedians use in 
         their acts)... or Australian true-story ultrablack crime 
         comedy CHOPPER (Poster Quote: "Puts Guy Ritchie To Shame" - 
         well, something ought to) - not based on the 2000AD Judge 
         Dredd mini-series of the same name...

         DRILY IRONIC T-SHIRT ROUND #0>> so, we're just about to issue 
         an APB on COMIC RELIEF's "fair trade" DUBBLE bar, plus a range 
         of freakish new NESTLE limited editions - KIT KAT MINT (27p), 
         AERO CHUNK MINT (29p), ORANGE TOFFEE CRISP (28p), BANOFFEE 
         MUNCHIES (43p) and, after the mild disappointment of Rolo 
         Giant, ROLO COCONUT (29p) - when, entirely unbidden by us, 
         reader IAN WESTBROOK mails to ask "Where's the merchandising 
         then? Huh? Huh?", helpfully adding: "Christmas is coming. What 
         are geek partners supposed to buy for them?" You know Ian, we 
         really hadn't planned on getting our e-commerce site up and 
         running in time for your superstitious Pago-Christian 
         festival, but just for you... http://www.cybercandy.co.uk/ntk/ 
         is now your one-stop shop for addressing those most primal of 
         human needs: food, shelter and reasonably priced luxury gift 
         items. In fact, this is a currently a low-profile launch beta 
         of what will become a much bigger selection over the coming 
         weeks, but we thought we'd get this T-shirt out of the way 
         first as the design(s) came from readers who'd unwittingly 
         entered our "Design NTK Merchandise For Us" competition before 
         it had started... and the Round 0 winners are: JON PETERSON, 
         who sent us the slogan "In-Jokes For Outcasts" in July 1999, 
         and now receives 50p for each shirt sold with it on (don't 
         give up the day job just yet, Jon); plus 3D realtime animation 
         (ie, Quake movie) nutcases STRANGE COMPANY, who encouraged us 
         to adapt their "Memes don't exist - tell your friends" classic 
         into the more Nathan-hostile "Viral marketing doesn't work - 
         tell everyone you know". The judges were particularly 
         impressed by the self-referentiality of the humour here, and 
         the fact that we were able to come up with some sort of visual 
         accompaniment to the slogan - what else but the international 
         biohazard symbol made out of ASCII art using the words 
         "Caution: Contagious Memes" repeated over and over again. 
         Strange Company win UKP1.50 per shirt sold and the right to 
         sell their "Memes Don't Exist" design on the site as well... 
         and this, as they say, is just the beginning. Next week we'll 
         start unveiling entries received via more conventional means 
         (will we bow to public demand and do the "I Got UKP80m" one 
         from http://www.growf.org/shirts/ ? Hey, are all B2Cs, by 
         their very nature, doomed, doomed, DOOMED?). Long-time 
         confectio-section regulars http://www.cybercandy.co.uk are 
         handling the e-commerce for us, and astutely point out that, 
         if you order sweets from them at the same time, you save on 
         postage bigtime. They'll normally send orders out within 2 
         working days if they have them in stock, and they now have a 
         bunch of the Viral Marketing ones all ready to go - though, of 
         course, we have no idea how many of you might actually want to 
         buy them (did we say they're only UKP10 each?) so order early, 
         to avoid disappointment. (Or, perhaps, to ensure it...)


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                       "rumours... greatly exaggerated"
                http://www.smh.com.au/icon/0011/18/driftnet.html
        

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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