_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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age, Nate Smith, SKY's Chief Executive Officer, has decided
to make the wearing of suits and ties at SKY strictly
- New Zealand's SKY Network TV (no relation) press release
...and who lent marketing "Nudist on the Lateshift"?
>> HARD NEWS <<
Good to see somebody's taking that stooge of the Conspiracy,
the FORTEAN TIMES, seriously. We've somewhat lost track of
the internecine battles between the UK anarchist factions
that led up to this, but it appears that GREEN ANARCHIST
(Affiliation: Radical ALF caucus. Likes: direct action,
Oxford pubs, dislikes: Special Branch raids) are still very
miffed at STEWART HOME (Neoist Alliance. Likes: his own
"shopping, fucking, fermenting proletarian revolt" novels,
dislikes: not being noticed). To the point where, on hearing
that Home will be speaking at the notoriously light-hearted
Unconvention, GA has decided to picket the con. And lest
anyone doubt the seriousness of the FT's threat to the
ecological struggle, GA add that "This protest is part of
a general struggle against the activities and influence of
the secret state... Hepple [a UFOlogist who GA believes is a
'state-sponsored infiltrator'] is pushing a Nazi saucers
thesis, and Home is part of a general state attempt to
disorientate people by branding anarchists the same thing
as fascists." Well, the disorientation bit seems to be
working: we're still unsure whether this is just another
Home plot to up his cred amongst the three people who still
care. We do however, admire the Unconvention's own response
to the picket. They're planning on joining it, and will be
taking time out from organising the event to pop outside and
demand that they should be shut down as enemies of the people.
Oh, this should be *fun*.
- your guess...
- is as good as ours...
- "Nudity, witchcraft and gay Nazi cryptozoologists!" may not help matters
If CURADOR, the "other" Welsh hacker, really had snagged Bill
Gates' credit card details, you just know that he'd be in Rio
by now, rather than merely on bail in his home town of
Clynderwen. Still, that didn't stop the Telegraph from reporting
his boast as human interest after his bust, then Reuters taking
it as read, then the whole world running the story untainted by
fact-checking. Fact checking, like: the alleged credit card had
the wrong number of digits. Or that Bill got his middle initial
wrong. Or that he spelt his company "microsfot". And we're left
wondering who, exactly, comes out looking stupider here:
Curador, for crowing about his ph33rsom skills and getting busted,
the media for stoking up the sad story - or the FBI, for
travelling 6000 miles to nab yet another script kiddy for their
- password hint "something i have lots of"
- would you buy a second-hand quote from this man?
- not quite the "downloads" area you were hoping for
Whatever it is that's fuelling the British Net stock boom, it's
certainly not powered by clue. Example no. 94: AMSTRAD finally
announced their thin Net client, and it turns out to be thinner
than anyone could have dreamed. A souped-up fax machine that
can't browse, and, in this age of free dial-ups costs you
UKP UKP UKP per e-mail you send. Still, at least it can cope
with GIF attachments - tapping into that lucrative monochrome
CCITT porn market. But even if the thing is clearly as dead as
an Acorn NetStation, that didn't stop Amstrad stocks sextupling
in price as a result. And this from the man who, not so long
ago, said that he didn't really get the point of e-mail...
- almost as powerful as ...
- its power-user predecessor
- the electronic mail transmitting person is possible, too
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
Ogilvy and Mather spin-off RMG publicises client Lotus Notes
rather too heavily: http://www.rmgint.com ... stop sending us
fake MAHIR wannabes: http://www.pinktuxedo.co.uk/ - at least
one pic also appears on http://www.fugly.net/g8/9m12.html ...
http://www.ebooknet.com/printerVersion.jsp?id=1671 - taking
PROJECT GUTENBERG too far? http://wsmf.org/texts/emonks/doc/
... "Microsoft is [reluctantly] a partner in MSNBC":
http://www.msnbc.com/news/387569.asp ... and this is a *pro*-
peace site: http://www.gush-shalom.org/punch/ ... IAN FENN
"rather disturbed" by allegations in last week's "Fenn Denn"
fansite (now strangely down)... one use for SELLAFIELD's
depleted Uranium: http://www.ntk.net/2000/03/31/dohsella.jpg ...
odd product placement for imminent PHANTOM MENACE video release:
http://www.excite.co.uk/news/news_story/technology/pa_tech_20000329203000_2.txt >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
So our new excuse for not having updated Kevin Warwick Watch
is that we're at Boston's GEEK PRIDE this weekend (it's
distributed! hold your own!) - and also we're awaiting the
reports of operatives attending the great man's appearance at
DUBLIN UNIVERSITY INTERNET SOCIETY (7pm, Wed 2000-04-05).
He'll be delivering a paper entitled "Will it be Super
Intelligent Machines or Cyborgs?" (no, we can't think of any
possible alternatives either) - hopefully to the tune of the
old "Will it be chips?" ad off the telly.
- acclaimed by noted AI expert Gillian "X-Files" Anderson
- also, we haven't quite finished the "Linus play" yet
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
Multiple partitions ahoy! While you're trying to work out
what to do with the new, free, Be 5 ("did we say we made
money from our OS? Non, non, non! Je suis un internet
appliance partner!"), why not waste more premature bandwidth
on Perl 5.6, which at least has a chance of not breaking
everything you depend upon? The new version is dripping with
features we're not going to understand until the next Camel
book comes out, but to give you a taste: forking for
Windows, Unicode support (kinda), 64-bit support (kinda),
that whole sick code-in-a-regexp functionality,
"autovivifying file handles", a matching set of new
warnings and errors (including a "Y2K warning" whenever you
do something odd with the number 19), and, apparently about
15% slower than the last one. Our favourite feature:
not only has the version numbering system changed to a
"v5.6.x" format, the Perlporters have introduced a special
pseudo-type to support such version numbers, right damn well
into the freaking language. Sauron's work, I tell you.
- the multitasking may be steady, but the business plan sure thrashes
- sensitive souls should wait for 5.6.1. I SAID ... oh, forget it
- even Tolkien appears to be speechless on this one
- and Netscape 22.214.171.124.0 comes out next week. It's like 1994 all over again!
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
liberal guilt dilemma: NETNANNY now sponsoring HUNGERSITE
http://www.ntk.net/2000/03/31/netnanny.jpg - but *what* is
that banner ad?... ASK JEEVES passes the Turing Drug Test:
4 bits o' fun: http://www.16color.com/ ... saveglobalstar.com
still available... Flintstones may be accurate, says BIBLE:
http://www.portia.org back up... at last: ROMULAN CRUISERS you
can afford to self-destruct: http://www.aricraft.com/ ...
- hail to the KEN, baby... *too* much fucking creative:
http://www.creativecomputer.freeserve.co.uk/ ... but *which is
a spoof of which*: http://www.geocities.com/disturb8/ vs
http://www.riot9.com ... GORE imitates chicken + onion:
... and can anyone bring "balance" to the FENG SHUI scene?
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> enraged videogamers dispute Dispatches' "aggressiveness"
claims on tonight's RIGHT TO REPLY (7.30pm, Fri, C4)... either
they've taken the unusual step of trailing the very worst bits
from the new series, or this new solo run of DA ALI G SHOW
(10.30pm, Fri, C4) is shit... DV-camcorder docu THE OTHER SIDE
(2.25am, Fri, C4) goes to Nevada's "Burning Man" festival -
so-called 'cos of all the pale white guys who, every year,
forget their sunblock... while Shannon Doherty sub-Buffy
witchery CHARMED (8.05pm, Sat, C5) appears to be an unofficial
spin-off of the movie "The Craft", right down to featuring
that same Psychedelic Furs cover of The Smiths... Harry Hill
tries to put a new spin on the old "Nil points" gags in the
Eurovision TOP TEN (8.55pm, Sat, C4) - though wasn't there
some overlap between last week's "Novelty" hits and the
previous "One Hit Wonders"?... we're still convinced that the
famous "Monsters from the Id" speech in FORBIDDEN PLANET
(3.20pm, Sun, C4) is a prescient description of the internet
(or possibly, Quake servers)... and supposed Michael Barrymore
Larry Sanders-style vehicle BOB MARTIN (10pm, Sun, ITV) in
fact appears to be a reworking of writer/standup Bob "In Bed
With Medinner" Mills' dire previous stab at the genre, "The
(Bob Mills) Show", right down to Garry Shandling/ Larry
Sanders-like euphony between "Bob Mills" and "Bob Martin"...
C4 celebrates Mother's Day with a double-bill of low-budget
DIY horror DRILLER KILLER (11.15pm, Sun, C4) and close-up
genital examination DICK (1.10am, Sun, C4)... Pam Grier's
inexplicably badly dubbed dialogue is one of the few
"highpoints" of leaden John Carpenter sequel ESCAPE FROM LA
(10.10pm, Sun, BBC1)... PANORAMA (10pm, Mon, BBC1) mocks
lastminute's ailing fortunes... and STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE
(8pm, Mon, Sky1) is finally put out of our miseries, following
a 5-hour "best of" compilation - including "Trials and
Tribble-ations" - all Sunday afternoon...
FILM>> the ever-inconcise Oliver Stone returns with an
extended Al Pacino experimental-film-techniques Nike ad
testostero-fest, sure to take a hefty chunk out of ANY GIVEN
SUNDAY (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : exaggerated
football violence with injuries; sex talk, comments, and
innuendo, some vulgar; multiple intentional exposures of male
posteriors; many thong bikinis fully exposing female
posteriors; man in woman's restroom; woman in man's restroom;
hate from marriage mate)... or there's the unexpected Venn
diagram ignorance shown by poster claim "from the creator of
Ally McBeal" for Bill Pullman / Bridget Fonda comedy croc
horror LAKE PLACID (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ :
ominous danger; urinating in the open; body bitten in half,
showing innards spilling out; offer of sex; discussion of how
crocodiles were worshipped more than Jesus; disembodied moose
head)... otherwise there's the even-worse sounding prospect of
Harvey "The Piano" Keitel teaming with Kate "Hideous Kinky"
Winslet for a weird combo of both films in Jane Campion's HOLY
SMOKE (imdb comment: "definitely the worst [movie] I have seen
in a long time")... Kenneth Branagh directing Matthew "Scream"
Lillard in a WW2 musical version of LOVE'S LABOURS LOST (MPAA:
rated PG for sensuality and a brief drug reference)... or
Jonny Lee "Hackers" Miller in another goddam period romance
MANSFIELD PARK (MPAA: rated PG-13 for brief violent images,
sexual content and drug use), featuring the Evening Standard
poster-quote "the newest and steamiest adaptation" of that
notoriously racy and still-prolific author, Jane Austen...
PRO-CELEBRITY FEEBDACK>> "may Postel forgive us all" we
pleaded, discussing IP-over-email protocol Mailtunnel [NTK
2000-03-10], but none other than JOHN GILMORE put us straight,
revealing "Jon was a big proponent of this sort of effort"
and, while RFC editor, approved publication of a number of
"experimental standards" - IP via avian carriers (RFC1149),
14-line sonnets (RFC1605), and M1A1 tanks (RFC1217) - which,
tragically, space considerations prevent us from reproducing
in greater detail... raising the celebrity/obscurity bar still
higher, ASHLEY POMEROY (believed author of "The Little Book of
Living on the Edge") sent in this now-out-of-date little doh
http://www.ntk.net/2000/03/31/dohstraw.jpg , positing that the
picture (James Bulger, presumably) implies that Jack Straw is
actually a small boy with a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
T-shirt - something Ashley "knows for a fact to be untrue"...
moderately well-known comedy writer, former NME journo (and
coiner of the phrase "Pop Will Eat Itself"), DAVID QUANTICK
thoughtfully let us know that his Peter Baynham/ Sally
Phillips smack-com http://www.thejunkies.com is now online
(Quicktime only! Feel the rush!). Thrilling new digital
street-tech outsiders overturning the established media
hierarchy - or just some well-established industry figures
dicking around in an edit suite? You decide... ANNE WEALE,
who writes the "Bookworm on the Internet" column for The
Bookseller (and was once described to us, in tribute to the
former Time Out net columnist, as "the new Spyder"), quite
appropriately bemoans her "6th or 7th unsubscribe attempt"
from lastminute.com, but then goes and spoils it all with:
"Perhaps I missed something when NTK started up, but I feel it
would be easier to read your amusing comments if they were
arranged in conventional lines. Agreed, content is king, but
not all your readers have twentysomething eyesight." Damn,
you're right, Anne (if you can read this at all) - no wonder
those pesky dead tree media have proved so devilishly hard to
finish off... re: NTK 2003-03-17, "What do you have against
Wired/ Lycos?", inquired PETER SANDERSON from commodified
dissenters unamerican.com - if you've got to ask, dude, you'll
never know... and, finally, previous Cinergy host and "The
Word" presenter ALAN CONNOR (then HAMILTON?) picked up both
the "teenage crushes" thread [NTK 2000-03-10] and our general
interest in celebrity nudity, and wove them into a charming
tale describing his "confused feelings" on discovering
http://www.peejo.demon.co.uk/lattara/lists/drwho.htm . "You
have directed us to this assiduous collator of the Splendor
that is Woman once before," Alan graciously conceded, before
spontaneously offering no less than *two* disclaimers: "1.
I came across these sites while trying to find about Jayne
Ashbourne's performance in Troilus and Cressida" and "2. And
I was using Lynx, so I have no idea what the soft-porn shots
with Dalek look like." Bad news Alan - most of the GIFs are
broken. The frustration continues...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as "Neohuman: Trained for Killing"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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