_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Celera Genomics, which recently claimed to have finished
the human genome sequence, inadvertently mixed some human
genetic information with that of the fruit fly in a public database."
- now wouldn't that be a good idea for a movie?
>> HARD NEWS <<
So who had the worst week? Was it our Lord Jesus? Or was it
NAPSTER, now caught in crossover court cases with Metallica
*and* Dr Dre. Good to see someone whose early career was
marked by a disrespect for authority and heavy reliance on
sampled works (as well as a love for words ending with "z")
taking out the Napsters with Attitude. And even better to
see that, while heavy metal and rap still have artistic
differences, they can unite under one ne attorney - LA's
Howard King, who is leading both court cases. And we're sure
that if the music industy mows Napster, Inc down in a legal
bloodbath, absolutely no-one will step in to take over the
server duties in an illegit manner. For that would be wrong.
- "don't condone piracy": Some say no to drugs and take a stand,
But after the show they go lookin' for the dopeman.
- s'payback time
Who can make Network Solutions look like a model of
efficiency? ICANN! The beginning of the week saw the "at
large" ICANN membership discover, painfully, that the member
announce list was open to subscriber posts. "'ICANN ... to
assume responsibility for the IP address space allocation,
protocol parameter assignment, domain name system
management, and root server system management functions' -
and they've screwed this up, this badly? Jeesh.", one
subscriber succinctly commented (to about 12,000 others). At
the same time, NSI was sliding up to the exhausted tangle of
committees and slipping over a position paper aimed at
breaking the current ICANN deadlock over those long-awaited
extra top level domains. NSI's plan includes whittling it
down to two new TLDs - .shop and .banc. Note the
euro-friendly feel of ".banc" and NSI's silky insinuation
that the whinging European sector of ICANN should host the
".shop" servers. Very clever. Very... political. We also
note that NSI has picked the two domains most likely to be
favoured by cash-rich corporations (dropping that whole
pesky ".union" slab), and naturally suggested themselves as
willing to support the new domains. Good to see NSI taking
part in an open discussion of the issues. Especially given
what we hear about NSI's new Premier Partner program, which
includes a cause forbidding members from saying anything
disparaging about the company.
- oh, so the next ICANN junket is Japan? Can we have Bali next?
- larging it with the Dyson posse
A couple of people mailed asking us about ZD Net UK's story
claiming that the EU was intent on banning anonymous e-mail.
Wonder who they were? Anyway, as ever, our investigative
team sat around until someone else did the research for us.
Thanks then to Ben "Millennium Winner" Laurie for digging up
the latest status. Apparently, the European Parliament have
yay-sayed the ban, and now it's back to the European Council
to decide what to do with it. File it under "laws which
won't get implemented by the national governments in a month
of officially-redefined Sundays". We sincerely hope.
- at least, we think Ben posted it...
- one year from the original story...
- and we *still* haven't any clearer idea
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
MS recommends "industrial-strength, quality focused" UNIX:
META tags at http://ted.examiner.ie/books/books.htm - Ireland
in a nutshell... "Surfers in cities with higher household Net
usage spend more time online", intuits the INDUSTRY STANDARD:
http://www.htmlsourcekid.co.uk/ uses FRONTPAGE... "The Product
is not designed, manufactured or intended for use in the
operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or
communication systems, air traffic control, direct life
support machines, or weapons systems", reveals terms and
conditions for WINAMP... BT "trailing" ADSL, admits Freudian:
'fesses further: http://www.ntk.net/2000/04/21/dohnumber.gif
... MCSWEENEYS.net hijack was, gasp, prank, believes OJR:
http://ojr.usc.edu/content/story.cfm?request=364 ... hot new
MS algorithm: http://www.ntk.net/2000/04/21/dohcompression.gif
... CONXION/ DAVE WINER love-affair sours before your eyes:
- Green Eggs And SPAM, more like...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Nathan Barleys and Justin Futures alike will be converging at
- where else? - London's ICA from next Fri 2000-04-28 for the
imaginatively named ONEDOTZERO4. Billed as a "digital moving
image festival", in fact it now seems to have settled into a
traditional annual routine of pop promos, Playstation FMV,
manga toons, people praising Chris "Aphex Twin videos"
Cunningham and, as is now believed to be compulsory at these
sorts of events, a showing of the "Meeting People Is Easy"
- "Nathan Barley" credited on that new dotcomedy show, we note
Oh, and someone from "Gothtart Promotions" wrote to say that,
in last week's SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK concert details, we should
have said not Sheffield University, but Sheffield *Hallam*
University - "I know it's only one word difference but the two
venues are on opposite sides of the city" (a long way to walk
in those heels, we imagine). Didn't quibble about the "Fifth
Generation of Rock And Roll *above* puppet show" jibe, though.
- anyone going to LA2 on Sunday? Could be "interesting"...
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
On this day, beloved, we should think of those friends who
were until recently hammered onto crosses and subjected to
extended taunting - but who are now back, back, back, shiny
and new. I'm thinking of QT - the nifty C++ class library
and former Yoko Ono of open source, now released in a
transcendental 2.1 form. Updates include a faster HTML
viewer, an even more Windowsy file dialog, some nice network
protocol abstraction and a speedier and tighter ship in
general. The license is okay now from a open source POV, but
tradition requires that must never develop it with the same
hand that you have touched a GPL'd program. Oh, and talking
of untouchable, Andrew Tanenbaum's MINIX OS is now under a
BSD license. Happy now, Linus?
- includes snipes at Motif: these guys really are trolls!
- ah, but what about different spellings of licence?
- lama sabachthani!
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
Where's MUGABE?: http://www.visi.com/~sgrantz/dict_fash/ ...
proof at last: http://xxx.lanl.gov/abs/physics/0004034 ...
avoiding kibo-like skills via anagrams: RARELY FORGED DUNCE,
CAREER FUNDED GLORY, GREEDY FOUL ARC NERD... using GNUTELLA
Search Monitor as "instant messenger"... forthcoming books:
hardback "Travels with Samantha", "My Life with the Ars Digita
Cult"... "Only 20% of internet ideas have been invented",
estimates http://www.lbird.com/ - remainder derived from
crashed saucer technology... MTV's TOM GREEN has cancer, Drew
Barrymore... http://www.pacificnet.net/~jmh/ - must also enjoy
giant Quicktime audio files (for when embedded MIDI isn't
romantic enough)... of course, it was Trevor "Buggles" Horn:
... both the International Monetary Fund (IMF.INT) and
Mobilization for Global Justice (A16.ORG) go through the
backbone Internet via Cable & Wireless... only *virtually*
impossible "for animals to consent to sex with humans" (phew),
advises: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1056.html ...
barely alive imitate ONION...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
the less rude http://www.tvgohome.com/ TV>> and let's not forget the *real* meaning of Easter: Bank
Holiday movie bonanza!... Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer's DOWN
PERISCOPE (6pm, Fri, BBC1) isn't that bad - assuming it's
not finished already [i don't understand this, dave. it's
still afternoon in ... oh. oh dear. - danny] ... Madonna
musical EVITA (8.30pm, Fri, BBC1) doesn't even have a cameo
from the performer behind the definitive stage
interpretation of the role, David Essex... and Fish Called
Wanda followup FIERCE CREATURES (9pm, Fri, ITV) would be
more amusing if the entire cast were torn apart by Mack
trucks, as in Rutger Hauer's THE HITCHER (9pm, Fri, C5)...
"Live And Kicking" seems to have been ditched in favour of
something called FULLY BOOKED INTERACTIVE (8.45am, Sat,
BBC1) - hey, it's no "Wonky Donkey"... the TOP TEN COMEDY
RECORDS (9.15pm, Sat, C4) should be far less annoying than
Tim Burton's gag-free ID4 spoof MARS ATTACKS (10.15pm, Sat,
ITV) - more laughs, albeit unintentional ones, in
recut-from-TV-show [BATTLESTAR] GALACTICA DISCOVERS EARTH
(4.40pm, Sun, C5)... while FUTURECAST (9pm, Sun, C4) has
some good ideas - among the terrible sub-Max Headroom sets
and acting... now grown up, Jenny Agutter sees her kids
cursed to relive the terrors of her own childhood in remade
THE RAILWAY CHILDREN (8pm, Sun, ITV)... Samuel L Jackson's
FRESH (12midnight, Mon, C4) easily checkmates all other
ghetto-chess movies... most confused title-pun of the year
comes from DESPERATELY SEEKING EUTOPIA (11.20pm, Tue,
BBC2)... and, while ALISTAIR MCGOWAN'S BIG IMPRESSION (10pm,
Wed & Thu, BBC1) is indeed a subtly observed improvement on
satirical '60s throwback Rory Bremner, does that in itself
justify it being on twice a week?...
FILM>> word is that we get the *uncut*, 3-way sex scene
version of heavy-handed '80s satire serial-killer chick-flick
AMERICAN PSYCHO (http://www.bbfc.co.uk: Passed '18' for strong
sex, violence, language and some drug-taking) - the fifth in
the ongoing series of "American" movies, picking up the story
where "Graffiti", "History X", "Pie", and "Beauty" left off.
Phil Collins and Huey Lewis tracks are in the film, but sadly
not the soundtrack album... Tim Robbins' rent-paying role in
last week's "Mission To Mars" ("Where's Woody?" "He - didn't
make it") presumably partly funded his right-on Orson Welles
"let's do the show right here" theatrical historo-pic CRADLE
WILL ROCK (http://www.capalert.com : arrogance against a
father; argumentation; implied intercourse; intercourse with
nudity; no idea what the plot was, if any) - a slightly
incongruous sequel to evil-nanny thriller "The Hand That Rocks
The Cradle"... bickering with your spouse of 15 years? Then
it's unclear whether you should or shouldn't take them to
ailing "Spinal Tap" director Rob Reiner's extended arguing-
divorcees Bruce Willis/ Michelle Pfeiffer "comedy" THE STORY
OF US (http://www.capalert.com : violent displays; "Does God
exist?"; belittlement of marriage; necking in underwear; sex
talk with explicit descriptives and adulterous activities
provided teasings of the lower levels of AH Maslow's hierarchy
of needs)... otherwise it's one-joke kiddie nonsense like
KEVIN AND PERRY GO LARGE (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '15'
for frequent, moderate sexual references and infrequent strong
language)... Chevy Chase's SNOW DAY (http://www.capalert.com :
"Kiss my [backside]"; urine-soaked snowball; disguised foul
word; gratuitous flatulence; organized child aggression
against adult authority; suggestive picture; ghosting of
female anatomy through clothing; clear theme of trying to make
any adult look like a buffoon; no noted issues of cult/
occultism or other issues of great offense to God)... or, a
record-breaking attempt that never seemed to make it onto the
Roy Castle/ Norris McWhirter/ Cheryl Baker TV show - the
world's biggest gang-bang, as documented in SEX: THE ANNABEL
CHONG STORY (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '18' for strong
sexual themes and sex), though of course the 251-man record
has long been surpassed by such dedicated attempts as
FEEBDACK>> "You fixed all the typos in the netmarket message,"
accused ever-vigilant NTK enforcer LLOYD WOOD, referring to
the opening "practical memetics" quote in NTK 2000-04-07. "Not
on - what is (sic) for?" Well, Lloyd, it might be handy if,
say, the author, SALIM FADHLEY (of mindless.com), chose to
contact us again, along the lines of "What a shock to see
myself featured in the 'silly idiot' bit of NTK... I better be
more carefull (sic) where I hyperbolate (sic) in future, I had
no idea that such distinguised (sic) eyes would be reading my
partially thaught out (sic) comments!" Happy now?... in other
news, DAVID QUANTICK and pals finally caved to the demands of
heroin users without the Quicktime plugin, and have encoded
their "Junkies" smack-com [NTK 2000-03-31] in Real Player as
... while ANDY COX complained that he was unable to find the
large "pron.wav" file on his copy of Office 97 Professional
[NTK 2000-04-14], though he did find a 72 meg "pron.vox" - and
now, perhaps understandably, wants to know "What's it for?"...
last week's dead-tree round-up contained a couple of omissions
(if you see what we mean), at least according to LEE MAGUIRE,
who has "seen but not bought" CLICK IT!, the "family internet
magazine" - "Doubtless it has an editorial along the lines of
'an internet magazine not targetted at anorak-wearing speccy
geeks'," he rages, "but when has there *ever* been a UK
internet magazine targetted at anorak-wearing speccy geeks?" -
while ADRIAN MOULDER had news of yet-unseen launch MEN'S QUEST
(UKP2.45), edited by Angus Kennedy (Angus "Rough Guide To The
Internet" Kennedy?), and covering, Adrian believes, "health,
travel, books, and fatherhood", rather than being, say, "a
'Forum'-style spin-off of the 'Mayfair' letters page"... but,
as ever, it was NTK 2000-04-07's Confectionery Corner that
prompted the largest postbag (watch for our US candy import
report sometime real soon now), with PAUL BLEZ recommending
the "new Yorkie bar *with honeycomb pieces* - but why oh why
won't they make a plain chocolate version?", BOBBY MARSH
discovering a controversial abuse of the new TREBOR MIGHTY EXTRA
STRONG MINTS: http://www.sghms.ac.uk/tictac/trebor.htm , and,
brimming with confidence after his appearance in last week's
Dead Trees, KEVIN "ALAN" CECIL uncovering a 15p "Strawberry
Milky Way" in Suffolk earlier this week - "so revolting", he
claims, "it actually did ruin my appetite between meals." His
appetite for what, exactly, Kevin fails to specify...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. And have a temporal displacement vortex handy.
It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as "part of the family"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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