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    "It is believed [Hawking] has visited the accident and emergency
       department of Addenbrooke's Hospital, near his home in Cambridge,
        on several occasions with various injuries but has refused to
          explain how he got them."
     http://www.itn.co.uk/news/20001112/britain/03hawking.shtml
   - PROFESSOR STEPHEN HAWKING returns from another secret, paradox-defying
                                        battle through space and time
  ...of course, they have *no idea* who they're dealing with:
     http://www.theonion.com/onion3123/hawkingexo.html


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                           choose, damn you, choose!

         You'd probably not know about subtle moves by the INTERNET
         WATCH FOUNDATION to move from a passive reporter of illegal
         content online, to a pro-active force for removing certain
         newsfroups from the British spool. But, in their defence,
         that's because they're discussing it on the newsgroups
         themselves - uk.net, mainly. As ever, the issues are
         muddled: the IWF are asking to remove three groups (nope,
         they won't say what ones they are) that they feel contain
         over three-quarters of the illegal material reported to
         them. Which doesn't sound so bad, except this kind of
         centralised control of the feeds was pretty much what the
         IWF was set up to avoid. Given that there's generally an ad
         hoc approach to dropping groups among ISPs, it's good to see
         the IWF taking this step slowly, with the now requisite
         public consultation. And before you throw up your hands and
         give up USENET for dead anyway, it's worthwhile noting that
         it's *still* the only heavily distributed
         information-relaying network that works, Freenet and
         Gnutella's notwithstanding. Dangerous precedent or just a
         tweak of the config scripts? Read the noise, then mail your
         opinion.
         http://www.iwf.org.uk/about/poli.htm
                               - and then they came for alt.tasteless
         http://www.deja.com/threadmsg_ct.xp?AN=691547047
                                  - 280 messages so far, and counting
         http://www.zdnet.co.uk/news/2000/45/ns-19037.html
            - meanwhile, ZD Net takes on the *evil* Yahoo corporation

         .pro, .biz, .museum, .aero, .mudpie, .coop, .seagull, .info,
         .name? ".NAME"? I'm sorry, but isn't that the kind of top
         level domain proposal you'd get if you grabbed a seven-year
         old off the streets, and told him to come up with a
         suggestion or you'd give him a black eye? Oddly, that seemed
         to be exactly the procedure chosen by ICANN for their final
         consultation on Wednesday in LA. In fact, we rather warmed
         to the event, from the moment that Esther Dyson stormed onto
         the Webcast with apparent backing from Joni Mitchell, to the
         Gong Show spectacle of dozens of sweaty suits having 90
         seconds to justify their sorry existence. Vint Cerf was
         excellent in his role as a ghostly Obi Ben Kenobi, and
         a particular commendation goes to the head of the dotNom
         consortium, who spent his three minutes berating the whole
         procedure, only to have second thoughts moments after a
         stern, "That's Life"-style, dressing down from Esther ("Don't
         you want to talk about your domain then?" "Uh. Can I have
         another three minutes?") These are the benefits of
         open process: any ICANNspiracy theories evaporated in the
         face of the truth, which was as arbitrary and bizarre as
         anyone could have hoped. As St. Cerf repeatedly hinted, the
         whole thing was really just a "proof of concept" trial, and
         still sucks in several ways. Mainly the "Sunrise" provision
         of many of the chosen domains means that legitimate
         businesses (latin for "those with lawyers") get to grab
         their choice of domains before the grubby masses. Like
         anyone cares: the "concept" being "proven" here, we reckon,
         is that any number of top level domains are possible and,
         hopefully, inevitable. And the more that the gTLD hopefuls
         and domain-snapping corporations realise they're about to be
         sucker-punched thousands of times, the more we can watch the
         whining on RealVideo. Encore!
         http://cyber.law.harvard.edu/icann/la2000/archive/
                              - .one? HAHAHAHA! .iii? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

         Notorious "Jimmy Saville" transcript forgers SOME OF THE
         CORPSES ARE AMUSING [NTK 2000-09-08] are back, and they're
         madder than ever. Perhaps enraged by the - incorrect, yet
         intriguing - rumour on Chris Morris fan sites that Morris' new
         series will be a TV version of TV GO HOME, SOTCAA selected
         TVGH as the latest target of one of their typically light-
         hearted parodies, lambasting mild-mannered proprietor Charlie
         Brooker for 1: failing to "attack or lampoon" anything; 2: not
         being as funny as Not The Nine O'Clock News (a reassuring hint
         of self-parody there, eh readers?); and 3: "utilising what he
         imagines to be Chris Morris-style humour" - ironic given the
         rumoured Chris Morris connection mentioned above. Within days,
         TVGoHome fans hit back with their own parody of SOTCAA's
         parody, confirming the status of Radio Times-lookalikes as
         *the* preferred format for modern-day satirical discourse -
         more popular even than Amihotornot spoofs and Palm Beach
         Voting Forms. Brooker himself remains "tight-lipped" about the
         whole affair, though, when provoked, lashed out at the
         Corpses' version, slamming them for not getting "the fonts
         [...] quite right. TV Go Home programme titles are rendered in
         Arial Black scaled - and the scaling's the important bit - to
         90% of its normal width". Kids, eh? What do they know?
         http://www.koekie.org.uk/funnel/
                    - also outs Lee and Herring as fans of "NTK Live"
         http://www.notbbc.co.uk/corpses/
           - click "Previous" to see them attack or lampoon Al Murray
         http://pages.zoom.co.uk/pcmftp/
              - Buchan, tsluts: we're sure you could automate this...


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         fuelling last week's MICROSOFT VS DEMOCRACY conspiracy theory:
         http://www.guardian.co.uk/breakingnews/US/0,3560,548880,00.html
         ( backup at http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/17/dohguard.gif )...
         SILICON.COM news stories auto-refresh within about 5 mins/ 300
         seconds - one way to get your page impressions up... IETF
         social http://www2.eventreg.com/ietf_reg/ietf_reg.html
         *requires* you to send credit card details un-SSL'd... GEORGE
         HARRISON lawyer is Blues Brothers-quoting "Simon Mayo":
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/newsid_1022000/1022754.stm
         ... http://www.pets.com/#pressrelease - yes, you work in an
         industry where a SOCK PUPPET is considered valuable
         intellectual property... "Gone Gardening"? "Gone WORM-EATING
         CRAZY", more like: http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/17/dohworms.gif
         ... http://195.92.253.218/register/faqs/first14.htm - "Can it?
         Can it f*ck!"... FUTURE's upcoming "Computer Active" rival to
         get the bids in: http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/17/dohfuture.jpg
         ... http://www.topbuisness.com/ (sic) for sale, to help you
         target lucrative market of high-flying execs who can't
         spell... HOTEL INTERNET full of bored insane people shocker:
http://www.google.com/search?q=all+work+and+no+play+makes+jack+a+dull+boy


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         You know how smug we get when we're consistently right about
         things? Well, just this once, we'd have preferred to be in the
         wrong as, in accordance with NTK prophecy [2000-09-22], the
         on-again off-again GEEK PRIDE SAN FRANCISCO has again been
         postponed - indirectly due to falling tech shares, we suspect.
         This disappointment has, however, merely hardened our resolve
         to put on some kind of large-scale UK geek event next year -
         possibly reviving the old Access All Areas "computer security"
         get-togethers, maybe absorbing one or two of the less healthy-
         looking Amiga shows. Mail us at the usual address if you'd
         like to get involved, or if the voices in your head tell you
         to try and stop us before it's much, much too late.
         http://www.geekpride.org/
         - apparently they guessed Tim wrong on "Tell The Truth", too
         http://www.nngroup.com/worldtour/cit_ld.html
          - or wait for the Californians to come to you - at $800/day
         http://meets.gblogs.org.uk/camb2.html
                                                     - bloggers ahoy!


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         One of the worries about developing on the UNIXish platform
         is the possibility that various wizards will become
         terminally curmudgeonated, or die, or both, or already have,
         before they have a chance to offload the full thirty-years
         of their gentle wisdom. So it's with some relief that we
         greet the arrival of GNU AUTOCONF, AUTOMAKE, AND LIBTOOL -
         henceforth known as the "Performing Goats" book. The whole
         thing has a slight feel of "One more thing you must know
         about Bourne shells on AIX is ...argh, no more time, must
         tell you ... M4 ... square-brackets ... ackkpth", but it's
         welcome nonetheless. Best of all, though you should pursuade
         a grownup to purchase the 30UKP hard copy, the hordes of
         hyperactive schoolchildren who make up the true cutting edge
         of Linux development can peruse the whole thing online,
         while saving their pocket money for that Beowulf cluster.
         Which is nice.
         http://sources.redhat.com/autobook
     - of course, the authors will now transpire to be twelve years old


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         seeing through to the underlying "building blocks" of reality:
         http://www.geocities.co.jp/Hollywood/9060/mtrxe.html... PETER
         COCHRANE leaving BT, launching UK wing of www.conceptlabs.net
         , teaming up with brother Zefram?... isn't this what DIXONS is
         for?: http://212.158.10.26/news/releasemail.asp?ReleaseID=236
         ... worth it for "ANNE WIDDECOMBE Film Censorship Database":
         http://www.dvddebate.com/sections.php?op=viewarticle&artid=24
         ... http://www.titpillows.co.uk - business plan: diversify
         into other overliteral realisations of lyrics by CORNERSHOP
         and/or FATBOY SLIM... ROSE ROYCE & LIMAHL - together at last!:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/newsid_1022000/1022753.stm
         ... when oh when will the public tire of life IMITATING ONION:
         http://www.texnews.com/reality/brazosbill/bill041097.html ...
         POPBITCH in-joke: http://www.chazbaps.com ... relax ladies, he's
         "married": http://www.amihotornot.com/r/?eid=BSNZG&key=NRSFD
         ... in the old days, brightly coloured genitals would suffice:
www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2000/11/14/MN79565.DTL


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                      the less imitable www.tvgohome.com

         TV>> Kevin Costner week steps up to the plate with baseball-
         groupie men's weepie BULL DURHAM (11.25pm, Sat, ITV), followed
         later in the week by unintentionally hilarious Mad Max spoof
         THE POSTMAN (9pm, Tue, C5)... '70s WW2-er ACES HIGH (7pm, Sat,
         C4) is, indeed, based around the Iron Maiden song of the same
         name - or vice-versa... while serious cineaste show WATCHING
         (10.35pm, Sat, BBC2) looks at film's anti-TV propaganda which,
         if you've just sat through the first in a new run of KISS ME
         KATE (9.30pm, Sat, BBC1), seems entirely understandable... no
         wonder Sony never bothers doing decent TV campaigns, when they
         get so much free coverage in shows like THE BITS SUPERCONSOLE
         TOUR (12.20am, Sat, C4) and a "Game Wars" special of THE MONEY
         PROGRAMME (7.30pm, Wed, BBC2)... and Farrelly/ Bill Murray
         Amish bowling bonanza KINGPIN (10pm, Sun, C4) turns out to be
         not that closely based around the PC game of the same name -
         seemingly part of a Sunday-night cross-channel exploration of
         modern machismo, which also includes Joe "If You're Talking To
         Me, Your Career Must Be In Trouble" Queenan on REVIEW (8.20pm,
         Sun, BBC2) and the appealingly titled MAN-TEST (12.40am, Sun,
         C4)... Tuesday, however, shows its more feminine side, with a
         serious scientific look at female masturbation in HIDDEN LOVE
         (10.30pm, Tue, C4), plus Todd Solondz's makeover-free junior
         nerd-nightmare WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE (12.35am, Tue, C4) -
         working title "Faggots and Retards"... clearly unrepentant, C5
         carries on showing cybertrash like VELOCITY TRAP (10.15pm,
         Wed) and GHOST IN THE MACHINE (9pm, Thu)... and people always
         complain when we slag off the smug celeb impressions in STELLA
         STREET (9.50pm, Thu, BBC2), but you've got to admit, it lacks
         the occasional pathos of the latest batch of ROCK PROFILES (UK
         Play, seemingly every hour of the day)...

         FILM>> a pair of ruthless, foul-mouthed mercenaries pursue a
         hare-brained scheme that results in the shocking murders of
         many old favourites - but enough about Gwyneth Paltrow/ Huey
         Lewis singalong vanity project DUETS (http://www.cndb.com:
         [Maria "Coyote Ugly" Bello] is in the process of getting
         dressed and we see her breasts as she stands in her underwear)
         ... in fact, "even more baffling than The Usual Suspects" is
         our verdict on leisurely convoluted post-Tarantino shoot-em-up
         THE WAY OF THE GUN (http://www.screenit.com : It's possible
         impressionable teens could get the idea to kidnap someone for
         a ransom, and some may want to imitate the "cool" characters
         and their violent/criminal behavior)... otherwise there's the
         can't-tear-your-eyes-away spectacle of a sexually precocious
         adolescent wrestling with demonic influences - but that's
         enough about Adam Sandler's usual SNL-cameo-packed fart-fest
         LITTLE NICKY (http://www.screenit.com : Humor stems from
         punishing Hitler by having objects such as pineapples and
         flasks shoved up his butt, and it's possible that some kids
         could get the idea to "punish" others or pets in a similar
         manner; http://www.hollywoodjesus.com/little_nicky.htm : There
         is some real spiritual truth here)... no matter what Mark
         Bloody Kermode says, it's unlikely that brief "new footage"
         scenes are going to add to or detract from the raw scariness
         of THE EXORCIST: DIRECTOR'S CUT (http://www.capalert.com :
         invasive medical procedures; extremely graphic and vulgar
         demonic possessions with hateful expressions to our Lord)...
         leaving Nathan Barley-esque Ali G-appropriation curio BLACK
         AND WHITE (imdb: independent-film / filmmaking / gay / murder
         / threesome / controversial / cultural-assimilation / gangster
         / hip-hop / ménage-à-trois / new-york / race-relations /
         bisexual) - as is so often the case, just missing simultaneous
         release with Peter Molyneux's tie-in game of the same name...

         BONERS, CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS>> our Echelon-style
         scanning of crypto mailing lists swiftly picked up a posting
         from original researcher MARKUS KUHN on the topic of last
         week's "Microsoft-sponsored" BSA software detector vans -
         "Microsoft never had anything to do with it," he says. "We
         showed [them] early results [...], and they decided that they
         were not interested in pursuing it any further". NTK regrets
         perpetuating the error, as presumably do Scientific American:
         http://www.sciam.com/1998/1298issue/1298techbus4.html ... ANDY
         ARMSTRONG was sure he was "not the first" reader to point out
         that NTK's 2000-11-03 reflex-testing link was "Javascript
         rather than Java" - though in fact e *was* by far the first to
         do so, by a margin of 0.13 seconds and 14 days... while an
         anonymous tipster, regarding last week's mention of the
         "Antitrust" movie, objected that "re-writing HTTPUrlConnection
         in Java - look closely - is hardly the work of a 'computer
         genius'": http://www.mgm.com/antitrust/synopsis.html ...
         despite some impressively conspiratorial counter-theories:
         http://www.theclothesstore.com/ubbz/Forum8/HTML/000042.html ,
         we now suspect the whole "Diana On Fire" Krash And Burn
         debacle [NTK 2000/11/03-10] was an unusually pointless "Hoax
         Magazine" anti-KLF prank, which we fell for. Sorry... when we
         foolhardily asserted an "absence" of "new Shampoo material"
         [also last week], MARK SEDDON tentatively drew our attention
         to the fact that the duo released a new online-only album this
         August, as proved by even the most cursory of visits to
         http://www.shampoo.org.uk/ . In many ways, we could not have
         been more wrong here - though, oddly, we did start mentioning
         the band at around this time, perhaps detecting their return
         on a purely subconscious level... speaking of which, ADRIAN
         MOULDER berated us strongly for not linking to porn-gossip
         columnist LUKE FORD's comments on cheerleader filth "Bring It
         On" [NTK 2000-10-20], "the most upsetting film review of all
         time": http://www.lukeford.com/archives/updates/000828.htm ...
         and finally, in case that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth,
         someone called EPONYMOUS updated us on the enigma of Nestle's
         "Stuff Xmas" Cranberry White Chocolate Aero [NTK 2000-11-03],
         revealing that the bar had been voluntarily withdrawn after
         the Church Of England deemed it "potentially offensive":
         http://www.marketing.haynet.com/news/n001116/nestle.html .
         There are several interesting aspects to this story, not least
         of which is that the C of E apparently employs a "head of
         signal logistics" - so what does *that* involve? Is it like
         "signals intelligence", where he sits around with a mainframe,
         trying to decrypt signs from God, who persists in encoding his
         message using "mysterious keys"?...



                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                 "quelque chose de drole dans chaque article"
              http://www.linux-france.org/prj/jargonf/N/NTK.html


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