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         "I was very sorry to hear of the passing of Bryan Smith," King
          said in a statement. "The death of a 43-year-old man can only
          be termed untimely."
                - STEPHEN KING mourns the guy who hit him with that van
                          http://uk.news.yahoo.com/000926/80/akn1v.html
         ...the subsequent deaths of all the other townsfolk who failed
                  to come to my aid - now *that* would be mysterious...


                                    >> HARD NEWS <<
                                    eating our shoes

         Peering points like LINX are one of those weird overhangs of the
         pre-commercial Net, their quaint share-and-share-alike routing
         deals all cuddily mutual, and frozen in a time before anyone
         realised what a lucrative piece of prize co-loc estate they'd turn
         out to be. It couldn't last. At RIPE 37, an eager new company,
         iPoint (made up of such old suspec^H^H^H^H^H^H hands as Randy
         "Verio" Bush, Alex "Cap'n" Bligh, etc) painted in glorious
         PowerPoint a more modern view. Europe, they say, needs a proper
         holding company, owning a network of principal exchanges,
         otherwise those poor little collective farms will run out of cash,
         bandwidth dust-bowls everywhere, end of the Internet inevitable,
         GIF at eleven, etc. No prizes for guessing which company iPoint
         thinks should be Mr Big. There's some good arguments pro (and boy,
         if you're a ISP kid, will you hear them in the next few weeks),
         but handing all the European exchanges over to one not-so-.org org
         would make it a reeaal pretty target for the big telco carrier
         multinationals. iPoint say that they'll plant the routers and
         cages with a contractual minefield that'll stop such a takeover.
         But when the legal eagles of the multi-nationals come dive-
         bombing, are you sure you want to put all the tasty eggs in one
         handy basket?
     http://www.ripe.net/ripe/mail-archives/eix-wg/current/msg00009.html
                                       - yeah, look what happened to Russia
         http://www.nic.uk/nominet/arts.html
                - although, to be fair, it hasn't happened to Nominet. Yet?

         The Labour Party Conference hall *is* hot this year, but we think
         something else's bringing the previously gung-ho Regulation of
         Investigatory Power-mongers out in a sweat. Jack Straw ducks out
         of an online chat at the last minute; the Lib-Dems call for a RIP
         repeal next government; Patricia Hewitt suddenly starts putting
         the "RIP saves us from pedophiles" mantra into heavy rotation.
         Has the government finally clocked what a hasty civil rights
         nightmare they've wrought? Work on enforcing the law has now hit a
         speed-bump, with the new schedule for releasing its accompanying
         Codes of Practice. RIP doesn't truly come into play until these
         extra-parliamentary rules are published: and the schedule is much
         longer than the governor's implied: the interception regulation
         draft appeared this week, rules for grabbing traffic data (ie URL
         snooping) is delayed until April 2001, and the private key seizure
         bit won't happen for another year. A chunk of each of these is
         taken up in a "consultative period". Judging from how carefully
         the listening government paid heed to the last - three? four? -
         consultations, we're viewing this as a "find out what they're
         going to moan about next, and try and cut them off at the pass",
         but you never know. Send your suggestions on the interception regs
         by the 17th November: but remember, they only accept Word files.
         Well, security, openness and privacy in government are important,
         aren't they?
         http://deniability.org/uk-crypto/sep-oct/0383.shtml
                              - that should stop those Unix security freaks
         http://www.fipr.org/rip/#Resources
                                                     - and their pesky mutt
         http://www.vnunet.com/News/1111590
       - "my first reaction was this is ridiculous" - Hewitt on free speech

         As is so often the case, another NTK side-project that began
         as a bit of harmless fun has swiftly descended into bitter ad
         hominem attacks, leaving us on the sidelines and wondering if
         perhaps this wasn't what we'd subconsciously hoped for all
         along. Thanks to everyone who posted their goof-spotting
         comments for BBC2's ATTACHMENTS on Tue - many simultaneous
         with transmission, for that full "Mystery Science Theater
         3000" effect. Contenders for the first week's eagle-eyed "I
         Spy" award include OGDEN's "net startup [doing] file transfer
         by throwing floppy disks across the office", SKOOB's "Laserjet
         5 printing... with the colour text coming out on top! Text is
         face down, and it should be b+w anyway", and THE ARTFUL
         BADGER's "NO O'REILLY BOOKS!?! Deleting from root on Unix w/o
         rm -i aliased to rm? Also who the hell would give a designer
         root access?". The first episode gets a repeat at 12.30am on
         Sat, so there's still time for you to take part - unless of
         course you agree with the inspirationally paranoid suggestion
         of WOODEN SPOON, who proposed that the near-constant stream of
         criticism was merely an ingenious "affiliate marketing scheme
         for you and your mates at TVgohome and their mates at BBC2".
         http://www.everyonehatesattachments.com/
                         - well, let's hope *they* see it that way, anyway


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         pallid "Unnovations" imitator INNOVATIONS put MACOS 8 on your
         TV for 100 quid: http://www.ntk.net/2000/09/22/dohinnov.jpg
         ... http://www.ntk.net/2000/09/29/dohlotto.gif - BACK *OFF*,
         BRUSSELS!... when oh when oh when will the public tire of
         inappropriate "How To Negotiate The Best Car Deal" sidebars?
         http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/2000/20000926/lo/212606_6.html
         ... well, you wouldn't want Windows-incompatible PENS, would
         you? http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004XS51/ ...
         "We cannot send bills in plain text as it is an unsecure
         format in which any person can get hold of your bill," reveal
         FREESERVE support, pioneers of encrypted HTML mail. "Outlook
         Express will automatically decipher an E-Mail into a format
         you can understand"... link to "Modernising Government White
         Paper" http://www.e-envoy.gov.uk/egov_index.htm - gives 404...
         you can't catch it via "Welcome to Adobe GoLive" <title> tags:
      http://www.stanford.edu/group/virus/herpes/2000/herpes2000v1.html
         ... http://www.McAfee.com/ *requires* scripting to be switched
         on, possibly for some of that sneaky "viral marketing"...
         http://www.sugababes.co.uk/cgi-bin/logs/analog - and they call
         it "popular" music?...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         From the UK UNIX USER GROUP, the folks who brought you talks
         by Richard Stallman and Eric Raymond, comes a slightly more
         corporate-friendly appearance by JAMES GOSLING, Vice President
         of Sun Microsystems - and "designer" of Emacs - who'll be
         explaining the circumstances that "led to Java and what
         today's development community needs next" at 5pm, Wed 2000-10-
         04, UCL, Gower Street, London WC1. Entry is free, advance
         booking is not required, and Gosling's party-piece is throwing
         custard pies at Bill Gates lookalikes, so it might be worth
         digging out that old billg Halloween costume just to check if
         it's an automatic reflex...
         http://www.ukuug.org/events/gosling.shtml
                                                     - M-x eject-eyeballs !

         "Enjoyed your digs at aspects of [South Kensington arts 'n'
         science fest] Creating Sparks," congratulated reader Jonathan
         Hewett, the inevitable preamble to telling us that one of the
         final shows is actually "thought-provoking", "entertaining"
         and "a bit different", because he once saw it in "a pub".
         Recalling those Science Museum reconstructions where actors
         impersonate historic scientific figures like Galileo, Michael
         Faraday, or characters from Star Trek, PARACELSUS THE GREAT is
         a one-man show on the work of the eponymous 16th century
         alchemist and physician, featuring puppets, multimedia
         projections, and live on-stage chemistry experiments (they
         don't mention whether protective eyewear will be provided).
         It's 3pm, Sat & Sun, UKP5 at the V&A Museum and, at the very
         least, offers some kind of alternative to the week's
         apparently endless season of undifferentiated medical-student
         dramas about ethical dilemmas and "playing God".
         http://www.britassoc.org.uk/creatingsparks/cs2.htm
          - click on "Performances". Then, on 2000-10-01, of course it's...
         http://www.greyday.org
                 - vs http://www.grayday.org , http://www.ntk.net/grey.html


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         The only complex bit of Bruce Schneier's Street Performer
         Protocol, that crypto God's ingenious solution for remuneration in
         a copyright-free world, was always going to be getting it *onto*
         the streets. It's a nice idea, but will it work? Openculture.org
         is the first non-case-specific implementation we've seen. An
         artist puts a proposal on the site for a creative work; if you pay
         up, it publishes; if you don't, they don't bother, and the puppy
         gets it. Openculture have sorted out some of the minutiae: they're
         forming as a charity so the donations will be tax-deductible; and
         they've set up an infrastructure to manage the payments. It
         doesn't quite ring of killer appness yet - apart from anything
         else, the 10% fee OpenCulture lops off sounds like a reason for
         someone to do a cheaper clone. And when fans want to spend their
         adoration on T-Shirts and merchandise, and artists still crave to
         be as rich as Britney, getting them to trade up to a more equal
         relationship will be tricky. But who knows? Maybe artists and fans
         are smart enough to evade the economic Prisoner's Dilemma they're
         all heading for. Heck, it worked for Stephen King.
         http://www.stephenking.com/sk1_082500.html
      - of course, if you don't pay Stephen, it's not the puppy who gets it
         http://www.openculture.org/
                    - let's force Iain M. Banks to do a Technical Reference
         http://www.firstmonday.dk/issues/issue4_6/kelsey
  - if only they'd called it the Major Rockstar Who Gets Laid Alot protocol


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         view source of http://www.algore2000.com/ for secret message
         from inventor-of-the-Internet himself... hey hey, even less
         than 16K: http://www.retrogames.com/misc/Vcsclip.mov ... real
         SCI-FI BUFFS: http://www.mbay.net/~cgd/naturism/nudesf.htm -
         oddly omits cover from "Slave Girls of Gor"... sometimes
         credited as: "DER FUHRER", not usually noted for his "TV guest
         appearances" or work as "Actor, Writer, Miscellaneous crew":
         http://us.imdb.com/Name?Hitler,+Adolf ... When TVGOHOME Fans
         Go Bad #3: http://nakedchef.freeservers.com/ (strong language,
         fake cockney accents)... "Please don't emphasise your bell-
         end" advise http://www.nobscan.com/ ... WEBSITE DEFACER: gigs
         of warez, seeks "total hard body" with GSOH, Unix experience:
http://www.attrition.org/mirror/attrition/2000/09/25/www.dominatrixdiva.com/
         ... presumably using the "All Things Bright And Beautiful"
         tune - "Have you got an eagle-eye, or the vision of a mole?":
     http://search.bbc.co.uk/search/search.shtml?DB=all&P=Songs+Of+Praise
         EVANGELISTS hit on TV fandom: http://www.barneyfife.com/ ...
         at last, a scientifically rigorous FLUID MECHANICS drinking
         game: http://www.ast.cam.ac.uk/~pak/misc/hunter.html ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> in accordance with NTK prophecy, this week's excellent
         Spike-crossover episode of ANGEL (6pm, Fri, C4) follows on
         from the Buffy episode "The Harsh Light of Day", which BBC2
         should be showing in about 2 weeks' time... interchangeable C4
         Friday evening Brit-com BLACK BOOKS (9.30pm, Fri, C4) appears
         to be identical to Dylan Moran's HOW DO YOU WANT ME? (11.20pm,
         Tue-Fri, BBC2), except with Bill Bailey instead of Marmalade
         Atkins, and set in a bookshop instead of a farm... while Sat
         becomes a cross-channel shoot-your-celebrities evening, with
         unexpected fans Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher paying tribute
         to JOHN LENNON NIGHT (from 9pm, Sat, C4), plus star-studded
         suspicion-allaying Dando memorial A SONG FOR JILL (8.55pm,
         Sat, BBC1)... thank goodness for Arnie actioner PREDATOR
         (10.45pm, Sat, ITV), antichrist sequel DAMIEN - OMEN II
         (12.40am, Sat, ITV), and John Carpenter's low-budget "Hitch
         Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" inspiration DARK STAR (3.50am,
         Sat, C4)... Joe Dante successfully spoofs "Fantastic Voyage"
         in tolerable Meg Ryan flick INNERSPACE (2.20pm, Sun, BBC1)...
         the usual caricatures appear to be spoofing traditional
         "Blackadder" script cliches in lame Millennium Dome-escapee
         BLACKADDER BACK AND FORTH (9pm, Sun, Sky1)... and the parodies
         continue with HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX (9pm, Mon, C5), DARKMAN II:
         THE RETURN OF DURANT (11.20pm, Mon, BBC1) and Scott "Con Air"
         Rosenberg's self-explanatory rom-con BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (10pm,
         Mon, C4)... in a sitcom swap with Daisy Donovan - currently
         appearing in dire dentistry laughtracker MY FAMILY (8.30pm,
         Tue, BBC1) - Sarah "Coupling, Smack The Pony" Alexander is now
         co-hosting THE 11 O'CLOCK SHOW (11pm, Tue-Fri, C4)... and the
         geek/ pseudo-geek action continues with ATTACHMENTS (9pm, Tue;
         12.30am, Sat, BBC2); a look at troubled dot-com millionaires
         in MODERN TIMES (9pm, Thu, BBC2); and Simon "The Code Book"
         Singh's no-doubt thrilling encrypto-history THE SCIENCE OF
         SECRECY (9.30pm, Thu, C4)...

         FILM>> after this and "The Saint", Elizabeth Shue must *never
         be allowed to make an action film again*, as vacuous dialogue
         and empty special effects implode in Paul Verhoeven's biggest
         ever disappointment THE HOLLOW MAN (http://www.cndb.com :
         "Kevin [Bacon] has many nude scenes in this movie, though most
         of them involve special effects. The first scene has a good,
         but brief, penis shot"; "You see [Kim Dickens'] breast moving
         as if it's being caressed but there is no hand there. Brief
         scene but nice breast"; "We see [Rhona "Tomb Raider" Mitra]
         wearing a flimsy robe that comes off to expose her breasts.
         She's probably a model, she has no actual dialogue in her
         entire role here"; "invisible Bacon watches from the window
         revealing Elisabeth [Shue]'s cute ass in thong underwear. Not
         much, but better than nothing")... but, assuming you can avoid
         the lure of big-screen sci-fi, there's Famke "Dr Jean Grey"
         Janssen / Jon "Swingers" Favreau's "Sex In The City"-style
         remake of that bit in "Clerks" where Dante is over-impressed
         by his girlfriend's previous sexual experience, LOVE AND SEX
         (http://www.bbfc.co.uk: Passed '15' for strong language, sex
         and sex references)... or, in the arthouse indies, sickeningly
         heart-warming "Flashdance" meets "The Full Monty" kids' "be
         yourself" feelgooder BILLY ELLIOT (http://www.bbfc.co.uk:
         Passed '15' for strong language)... or the similarly themed,
         but perhaps visually darker, JULIEN DONKEY-BOY (imdb: mental-
         illness; independent-film; dogme-95; schizophrenia) - Ewen
         "Trainspotting" Bremner, Chloe "Last Days Of Disco" Sevigny,
         and Harmony "Kids" Korine - together at last!...

         OH, THE NATHANITY! - SET YOUR EUDORA "MOODWATCH" FILTERS TO
         "MAXIMUM CHILIES", IT'S OUR LONG-AWAITED "CUNT" ROUND-UP!>> a
         hectic month for the dedicated Barley-spotter, as mainstream
         media outlets, like the "Fashion And Style" bit of THE TIMES
  http://www.the-times.co.uk/news/pages/tim/2000/08/07/timfeafea02008.html
         joined the Nathan-bashing bandwagon - accompanied by features
         discussing a trinket "designed to strengthen the body's
         natural energy and rhythms" and the "shahtoosh, a gossamer-
         light shawl" made from antelope fur... NINFOMANIA (or whatever
         they're calling themselves nowadays) hit unexpected heights of
         self-parody when they searchingly asked "Why is an obsession
         with '70s kids TV symptomatic of the New Media condition?"
         http://www.protein.co.uk/article.asp?id=1771&ch=monitor ...
         and the "Tristan" who originally caused all the trouble by
         abusing the "Jamie" who put "I am the real Nathan Barley" on
         his webpage [NTK 2000-08-04] was good enough to contact us
         directly with the succinct comeback "And you lot can fuck off
         as well!"... SIMON CLARE reported that, whilst attempting to
         sign in to http://www.reachoxbridge.co.uk/ as cunt@cam.ac.uk,
         "the site 405'ed. Obviously POST is feebly underpowered for
         the might of the Oxbridge [elite]"... but the readers who
         explored most fully the self-referential implications of our
         "I've stumbled across the webpage of a Nathan Barley-style
         'Cunt' (or, perhaps, I am one!)" appeal were IANs HOLMES and
         MILLER - one of whom, in a moment of tortured insight,
         realised "NONE of my friends are *anything like* Nathan
         Barley... if anything, it is me that comes closest",
         concluding between them that "the point is, Nathan Barley *IS*
         the entire crew of NTK... And [they] think [they're] being
         'self-deprecating' or something. [They're] not. And [they]
         shouldn't use the word 'cunt' unless [they're] prepared to
         back it up with [their] fists, the posh London [cunts]"...
         hohoho, of course we're not - though what we've hopefully all
         learned from this is "Battle not with Nathans, lest you become
         a Nathan", a lesson perhaps emphasised by EDWARD WELBOURNE,
         who thoughtfully cc'd us his advice to Mat Hunt, author of
         http://members.tripod.co.uk/mathunt/dissertation.html . Ed
         pointed out that the thesis had mis-spelled "music magazine
         Uncut" as "Uncunt" in the "Repetition and Over-Use" section,
         and went on to note that "the characters you have used for
         left and right quote aren't recognised by HTML standards,
         which speak of ASCII and 'character entities' for representing
         anything else, possibly grudgingly allowing the ISO 8859
         Latin-1 character set." "You need to use the character
         entities &lsquot; and &rsquot;" Ed explains, in excruciating
         detail - NTK regrets that this correspondence is now closed...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                            "misfits and weirdoes"
            http://www.arcataeye.com/police/000919police01.shtml

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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