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         "Some fellow consultants at OgilvyOne at work are involved in
         a few 'practical memetics' projects at the moment... We have
         been trying to work out how we can upgrade the idea of a
         'brand communication' to make it as resilient as the chain
         letters that flow around the net."
         - SALIM FADHLEY, UK-NetMarketing mailing list
         http://www.chinwag.com/uk-netmarketing/msg00184.shtml
     ...VERY SICK CORPORATION MICROSOFT WANTS TO GET IN GUINESS BOOK
                  OF RECORDS FOR MOST PRODUCT REGISTRATION CARDS SENT


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                  legal dues
        
         Now that it has the sword of truth, the shield of fair play,
         and, most precious of all, the orb of scaredy-Cat ISPs, who
         will stop the GODFREY vs DEMON judgement from
         spreading through the land? This week, OUTCAST!, the gay
         magazine run by Chris "no, the one who took the age of
         consent law to the Court of Human Rights" Morris, was shut
         down by ISP NetBenefit, on the merest suspicion that its
         articles might be defamatory. When the Campaign Against
         Internet Censorship in Britain ran a story on the Outcast
         shutdown, its ISP was advised to remove their page too. This
         time the warning was from LG himself, complaining that the
         article's title could be construed as libellous to
         Godfrey himself. Worried yet? But surely, can we not move
         all our poor and huddled Websites away from nervy British
         ISPs to America? Not according to LG, who has suggested that
         he'll sue UK companies that even run the DNS of allegedly
         libellous sites. To escape the threat of legal
         action, you'd need to switch domains too. But then, what
         about those local proxy caches? Could Freeserve be sued,
         merely for transporting the contents of these offshore
         sites? This could get interesting. Too interesting.
         http://www.liberty.org.uk/cacib/
                                      - should be over the sea by now
         http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=605744927
         - the same Pink Paper who used to cry "free speech" against
                             libel writs from Duncan "Echelon" Campbell

         When the the London Stock Exchange trading computers crashed
         *just* at the point that the US stock market bubble wobbled,
         it's tempting to see more than the usual invisible hand
         manipulating the market. Was it truly incompetence on an
         unparallelled scale, or could this "accident" have been a
         deliberate denial of service prevent further instability?
         Well, given Andersen Consulting's involvement, we're
         assuming the former. On the other hand, we're still curious
         about the sudden bounceback in the US markets on Tuesday.
         Who was behind Goldman and Merill Lynch's purchase of stocks
         around 1PM? Did the market really pick itself up using the
         bootstraps of post-lunch bonhomie? Or as New York Post
         columnist (and Whitewater conspiracist) John Crudelle
         implies, was it a staged intervention by the Feds into the
         punch-drunk market's fall?
         http://www.nypostonline.com/business/2250.htm
                                  - (via Robot Wisdom, out of Drudge)
         http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/business/newsid_703000/703859.stm

         Hard news, or April Fools? Microsoft guilty - maybe, but
         then why aren't they *acting* guilty? A Jet Set Willy Academic
         Conference - yeah, we can see that; but Netscape 6 launched
         when Mozilla isn't even in beta. Nah. Apache for PDAs - okay,
         there's already Jim Rees' Palm webserver, after all. But QXL
         suddenly a "good buy"? Oh, it's all too confusing. And
         it's not as if this entire industry hasn't been an extended
         practical joke for the last decade or two...
         http://www.apacheweek.com/features/apachepda/register-before.gif 
                     - this has to be true - the Register says so ...
         http://www.apacheweek.com/features/apachepda/register-after.gif 
                                        - or did a few minutes ago...
         http://www.citi.umich.edu/u/rees/pilot/
                                             - when it's not even news
         http://www.mozillazine.org/chromezone/component.html?component=17
                                  - jump Netscape out of its AOL skin
         http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=605185455
         - Memory Palaces: Spatial Mnemonics, Virtual Reality, and 
                                   Why I Never Finished JET SET WILLY


                                >> ANTI-NEWS << 
                             berating the obvious

         http://www.cyrix.com/ liberated by Puerto Madryn!... KRAYS
         fans of TVGOHOME: http://www.ntk.net/2000/04/07/dohhammer.jpg
         ... this week's Scandinavian fakesite [CAUTION: STRONG SEXUAL
         IMAGERY] http://www.math.helsinki.fi/~ville/tekomuna/ ... kids who 
         carry weapons more likely to use illegal drugs, says new
         study... secrets of running a top e-commerce site:
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/000406-000018.html ... PC WORLD
         sees future: http://www.ntk.net/2000/04/07/dohpcworld.gif ...
         in accordance with NTK prophecy [1999-04-02], DECADENT ACTION
         call last "phone in sick day"; no-one cares (why not just
         stick your phone *in some sick* instead?)... overclocking
         misunderstood http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1450.html
         ... PHANTOM MENACE finally released on DVD - in 2007!... in
         W3C-style analysis, BBC reveals hell is - PHIL COLLINS
         ttp://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_699000/699929.stm
         ... CYBER PATROL blocks uk.rec.competitions, Sunsite Europe
         - also www.need1now.co.uk - phew, that was close...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE << 
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         It's Official! At last week's GEEK PRIDE in Boston, voters
         helped us establish ALAN TURING as the "top geek role model"
         of both fiction and reality, beating off tough competition
         from Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs, Eric S Raymond, The
         Terminator, Hannibal Lecter, Roy Batty from "Blade Runner",
         and Sandra Bullock's character in "Demolition Man". So, now
         you know. Next week promises to be an altogether more sober
         affair, with the Gordon Joly-promoted BBCNC 6TH BIRTHDAY PARTY
         (a pub, in London, 8pm Thursday 2000-04-13) unfortunately
         clashing with the opening night of THE ART OF STAR WARS at The
         Barbican (from 2000-04-13 to 09-03) - which, perhaps
         disappointingly, just seems to be some an exhibition of the
         "art" involved in making the films, rather than like that book
         which re-interprets scenes from the saga in the style of the
         old masters.
         http://www.pobox.com/~gjoly/
                                       - again, if you need to ask...
         http://www.theartofstarwars.co.uk/
               - and it's not as if they're the Lego ones or anything


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         So you made the leap from Windoze gaming kiddie to Linux dev
         god: you live in vim, gcc and cvs, you've got mpg123 getting
         playlists off MySQL and displaying on an LED readout, you've
         got so much connectivity between your devices that your
         room's in danger of becoming spontaneously sentient, and if
         you really feel the need for some blasting you've got GPL'ed
         Quake and an ultra-smooth 5-button non-MS mouse. (Or
         nethack. Or "Pingus") So what to do with that lonely,
         unloved joystick gathering dust in the corner? With
         Mordechai T. Abzug's jsd it'll be reborn as the
         mp3-player/image-viewer/anything-else-you-hack-it-to-do
         controller-lightning-wand-powerstaff of your technology
         throne. And being the very model of an Open Source
         individual, you'll happily send Morty your patches...
         http://linux.umbc.edu/~mabzug1/jsd.html
          - or just tell him to ensure the archive's gzipped, 'cos it aint

         
                                >> MEMEPOOL << 
                              hasta la altavista

         Canana hothousing world-beating COUNTDOWN athletes (rule 5
         at): http://www.freelotto.com/Rules.asp ... MSX-BOX revisited:
         http://www.faq.msxnet.org/kay-nishi.html ... TERENCE MCKENNA
         attains deeper, more permanent trance-state than ever before
         ... feeding MR T cgi output through http://www.askjesus.org/ -
         then back to Mr T!... "Hey nonny nonny nooooo!", part 2:
         http://www.njlong.ndirect.co.uk/agm_minutes_1999.htm - tone
         oddly reminiscent of "Thorin starts singing about gold"...
         DARPA continue getting all their best ideas from sci-fi films:
         http://www.darpa.mil/baa/baa00-34.htm ... hello CTHULHU!
         http://www.upl.cs.wisc.edu/~kimuchi/cthulhu.html ...
         *two* feature length REBOOT movies... Cardassian BARBIE:
 http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cavern/7733/Barbie/CustomBarbie.html


                               >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                 get out less

         TV>> OK, for the clarification of everyone who writes in 
         moaning that we didn't plug this week's episode of "Jam" / 
         "Blake's Seven" / "the repeats of Spaced on the Paramount 
         Comedy Channel", NTK TV policy is, wherever possible, to alert 
         you to the first episode of a new series, then allow you to 
         make up your own mind if you want to watch more of them... 
         exceptions are made (or satellite output covered) when we know 
         a show or series to be of unusual quality, as is indeed the 
         case with US import GOOD VS EVIL (formerly G VS E - 9pm, Wed, 
         Sky1), perhaps best described as Buffy The Vampire Slayer in 
         the style of Starsky And Hutch. Almost worth the On-Digital 
         subscription *on its own* - which is handy, because MTV seem 
         to be repeating *yet again* last year's THE TOM GREEN SHOW 
         (10pm, Tue, MTV)... back on terrestrial, it's quirky sci-fi 
         weekend, with a typically entertaining Verhoeven dystopia in 
         TOTAL RECALL (10.15pm, Sat, ITV), space-time wormhole sequel 
         THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT 2 (12.10am, Sat, BBC1) - featuring 
         a parallel future where the Nazis won WW2, as opposed to, for 
         instance, the Allies having won it, but *in a different way* - 
         plus Roger Corman's recut-from-other-f/x-sequences cheapie 
         BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS (5.50pm, Sun, BBC2)... an ADHD-crazed 
         PANORAMA (10.05pm, Mon, BBC1) imitates the Onion gag 
         "Potential Picasso Prescribed Ritalin"... the trailer-spoiled 
         Mel Gibson thriller RANSOM (9pm, Mon, C5) loses out to Sam 
         Raimi's Sharon Stone designer Western THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 
         (10pm, Mon, C4)... yes, you're kicking yourself that you never 
         got round to registering FILM2000.com (11.15pm, Tue, BBC1)... 
         and the appallingly entitled WHEN LOUIS (THEROUX) MET JIMMY 
         (SAVILLE) (9.30pm, Thu, BBC2) offers perhaps just enough 
         temptation to the continuity announcer who must then introduce 
         cultural fad analysis THAT THING (10.20pm, Thu, BBC2) on the 
         Pokemon "Pocket Monster" phenomenon...
         
         FILM>> Julia Roberts continues her one-woman war against 
         traditional feminism in sassy legal thriller ERIN BROCKOVICH 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : bold display of 
         tattoos; excessive cleavage, breast exposure, and leg 
         exposure; child arrogance against fair parental authority; 
         using sex appeal to get ahead; underwear showing; a great 
         pretend dad for the kids but also a source of immoral sex) - 
         but, hey, it's Steven "Out Of Sight" Soderbergh, and anything 
         he does is fine by the arthouse crowd... a largely unknown 
         actress turns in a moving, highly acclaimed, utterly 
         convincing performance as a young man - but that's enough 
         about Kathy Burke in Harry Enfield's upcoming teen comedy 
         "Kevin And Perry", apparently there's some sort of cross-
         dressing twist in recent Oscar winner BOYS DON'T CRY as well 
         (imdb: independent-film / murder / rape / sexual-identity / 
         small-town-life / sexual-identity-crisis / small-town / 
         transgender / alcohol / time-lapse-photography / based-on-
         true-story / transsexual / transvestitism / transsexualism / 
         violence / birthday / intolerance / white-trash / karaoke / 
         love / lesbian) - all together now, *not* based on the 
         Ultrav^H^H^H^H^H "The Cure" song of the same name... great 
         cast, no action in talk-heavy LA actor-wank HURLYBURLY (MPAA: 
         Rated R for constant drug use, pervasive strong language and 
         sexual material) - we say: wait for the one where Garry 
         Shandling plays a talking alien penis - though, promisingly, 
         in this one, Meg Ryan does get pushed out of a car... and, 
         perhaps inevitably, Kathy Burke pops up, with the usual gang 
         of "Final Cut" idiots, in unsurprisingly dire gangster comedy 
         LOVE, HONOUR AND OBEY (imdb comment: "the main reason for this 
         film seems to have been that the cast wanted to play with a 
         load of guns")... 

         CONFECTIONERY CORNER>> being largely an excuse to say: that
         guy who tried to get in touch with us that time about his
         "American snack imports" - could you mail us again, this time
         to tips@spesh.com - as Danny seems to have "eaten" your
         previous one?... overall, an unusually disappointing month for
         newsagent / petrol station produce, with the highest profile
         launch - QUAKER'S "95% (+/-5%) fat free tasty rice and corn
         snacks" CRISPY SNACK A JACKS (49p for 35g bag, look "near the
         crispbreads") - largely resembling giant dessicated sugar
         puffs, sprayed with a range of unappetising flavours:
         Chocolate (95% fat free), Caramel (97% fat free), and of
         course Cheddar Cheese (90% fat free) - by far the most
         palatable of the lot, though almost identical to that WALKERS
         SUN DOG CHEESY POPCORN we were hooked on back in 1999-04-16...
         also scoring 1 out of 3: the relaunched "FRY'S SPIRIT" cream
         liqueur bars (RRP42p - FRY'S of course being merely a front
         for notorious new-product dabblers CADBURY'S), in "Berry
         Margarita" (identical to strawberry-centred Black Magic),
         "Pina Colada" (weird pineapple & coconut) and "Velvet Dream"
         (pleasantly neutral) - "Don't they have a vaguely suggestive
         strapline?", reports our faintly amnesic correspondent.
         "Something like: 'Soft as a penis on your tongue'?"... because
         we registered miniegg.co.uk 2 years ago and never did anything
         with it, send us *your* samplings of the wide range on offer:
         price, number per packet, how many you could consume before
         feeling ill... sightings also required on the following new
         products rumoured but not yet confirmed: CADBURY'S WISPABITE
         (like Wispa but with biscuit bits, due to launch on the same -
         epic? - scale "as WispaGold in 1996"); non-mentholated
         strawberry TUNES (to be "aimed at clubbers"); and this year's
         new crop of summer ice-creams, including WALLS' SOLERO ICE,
         and a selection of NURISHMENT-flavoured tubs (2.79 for 500ml),
         based on the crack addict's favourite milky energy drink...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
              Registered at the Post Office as "Lamers vs Kramer"
           http://204.254.168.34/photos/saturday/820pm/MVC-012F.JPG 


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