_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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Kidney Blunder Patient Is "Critical"
..."Critical"? I'd be fricking furious!
>> HARD NEWS <<
full of abuse
The REGISTER (who do proper research, with telephones and
insider contacts and astrological charts and everything)
found out this week that the Conservative Party's ISP, hosted at
tory.org, have managed to attract a total of 1200
subscribers. That may *sound* like a defeat to you, but
these mid-term service providers typically have a much lower
turnout, and don't reflect what would happen nationally in a
real general election. Besides, those figures hide what is
an booming trend at tory.org: the hoardes of small
businessman who are returning to the Party, thanks to its
innovative "open relay" policy at smtp.tory.org. Despite
*months* of warnings, and an appearance in the
occasionally-right ORBS blacklist, anyone, anywhere can use
the Tory party's own mailserver to send out spam. We
understand the Conservatives are the listening party: maybe
if the Socialist Workers took up their exciting offer,
they'd learn to listen a bit harder.
- who *wouldn't* want a tory.org e-mail address?
- helping people to help themselves
- is this what they mean by "the Great Satan"?
Great news for you work-shy thickie students, with your
subsidised fat pipes and pretentious hats! Readers of the
BBC News site will already know of www.student-net.co.uk,
which, the Beeb reported, recently sold out to the American
"International Media Products Group" for an amazing ten
million pounds. We're always ready to believe in credulity
of venture capitalists (particularly regarding our own
chances), but something about this rang alarm bells. Even in
this dumbass-friendly investment frenzy, ten mill for a
"What's new in Nottingham" site seems a little
over-optimistic. Also: no mention on the curiously spelt
Website of their massive win. Additionally, as diarist and
man of letters LESLIE BUNDER noticed, International Media
Products doesn't appear to exist. Could it be that the BBC
have fell for a "rag jape"?
- but what if it's true. Have we blown our chances?
- well, at least someone's gullible around here
It's not always just the evil censors who have problems with
bad regexps. In one of the most moving newsgroup RFDs for
some time, the beleagured citizens of UK.LOCAL.ESSEX
(including the "increasing popular Lakeside regional
shopping centre") complain that some 50% of new postings are now
"predominantly advertising adult material or websites",
mainly due to spammers cross-posting to any newsgroup with
"(.*)sex(.*)" in it. The good people of Essex are now attempting to
rename their newsgroup uk.local.essx to combat this, and
hopefully get the sex content back to the correct ratio for
local county discussion. Like 90%-95%. Ahahha.
- (.*) not an ASCII breast, by the way.
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
GUARDIAN Online "Webwatch" column reports "legal battle ...
has broken out over the domain name etoy.com", on day when
2-month conflict is finally resolved ... public display is
mandatory: http://www.uksearcher.com/award.gif ... MISS BOO
sacks seventy workers, promises viewable site in March ...
machines in TELEHOUSE TF3 now reading 33C at the inlet,
water seen pouring from AC units ... anything less than 21"
is a toy: http://www.ntk.net/2000/01/28/dohqxl.gif ... we
found where the MARS POLAR LANDER crashed:
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/marsnews/mpl/status/ ... YAHOO
politics news being run by THE AVENGERS
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/000125/2/duym.html ... "This
security flaw is not the first for Microsoft," reveals
WILL KNIGHT: http://www.zdnet.co.uk/news/2000/3/ns-12942.html ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Fuelling speculation that those weirdos he interviews on
Channel4's "Disinfo Nation" are just a load of his mates, the
guest-list for Richard Metzger's "FIND THE OTHERS" DISINFO.CON
may sound oddly familiar: Robert "Illuminatus" Anton Wilson,
Genesis "Psychic TV" P Orridge, Howard "The Lucifer Principle"
Bloom, Douglas "Oh, *do* shut up" Rushkoff, and - in keeping
with that whole Mondo 2000 retro ambience - who else but RU
Sirius. The whole 11-hour Reality Studio-storming performance-
art/ lysergic-lecture shenanigan runs from 11am, Sat 2000-02-
19, in the Hammerstein Ballroom, New York, just a short walk
from the city's prestigious Port Authority Bus Station.
- nothing on this week, and you might have to book a flight
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology: the gathering
We opened a can of worms with our pre-Christmas [NTK
1999-12-24] plug of DOMINIC MORRIS's Z88 TCP/IP stack. Word
on the ( slow but picturesque) 8-bit streets is that MARK
RISON is miffed that we didn't mention his stack for the
Amstrad CPC first. So, for those of you who have one of
those machines sitting in a wardrobe, just *waiting* to
transform into a glorious PPP-compatible HTTP/0.9 Webserver
and telnet client, do check out CPCIP. A few features are
understandably missing (packet fragmentation, streaming
RealVideo, that kind of thing), and you'll need a Linux box
to cram the Z80-assembler into your old friend's tired
bones, but otherwise - it's with Amstrad into the future!
- Z88 vs CPC? Christ. How did we miss that platform war?
- in case you missed it
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
pronouncing "meme" like Roadrunner does in the cartoon ...
Mac users: check out billgate's IDISK ... monthly pylon
flying circus http://www.pylonofthemonth.co.uk/ ... tackles
TVGOHOME withdrawal http://listen.to/swearing/ ... bouncy
media magnates: http://www.orgnet.com/netindustry.html ...
COMPUSERVE forums to be open to Web public in April: *now*
we'll see how great they are ... real-time ZX81 application:
http://members.xoom.com/windycom/zx81app.html ... hello?
IWF? we'd like to report http://www.internet-police.co.uk
for impersonating a police officer ... opt out of Double
Click, double quick: http://www.doubleclick.net/optout/ ...
"God is so much bigger than religion has portrayed him") vs
http://www.thoughtshop.com/fundiemania.htm (trolling for
Jesus) ... some benchmarks are more useless than others:
http://www.tuatha.org/~mpk/devnull.html ... rare, funny
site sighting: http://www.emporiumoffruit.co.uk/ ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
the less rude http://www.tvgohome.com/ TV>> yeah, the underground base is pretty cool, but two-hours-
plus of filtering Michael Crichton's alien microbes is, indeed
something of an ANDROMEDA STRAIN (12.15am, Fri, BBC1)... ITV
continues its intermittent Woody Allen season with wry Michael
Caine romance HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (10.55pm, Sat, ITV)...
BBC2 schedules George Romero's debut zombie chiller NIGHT OF
THE LIVING DEAD (1.15am, Sat, BBC2) at a time when only the
undead will be watching - not to be confused with potentially
back-from-the-grave corpse comedy WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II
(12am, Wed, ITV)... and C5 seems oddly pleased with its
acquisition of the first Christopher Reeve SUPERMAN (4.30pm,
Sun, C5), despite ITV having shown it at Christmas... an
unofficial cross-channel junior Jodie Foster strand starts up
with car-crash body-swapper FREAKY FRIDAY (3.30pm, Sun, BBC1),
followed later in the week by the similarly auto-themed TAXI
DRIVER (11.15pm, Tue, C4)... Aussie kids' filth-com ROUND THE
TWIST (4.35pm, Mon, BBC1) ventures into virtual reality,
following an episode last week in which a kid used his dick as
a propeller in a swimming contest... and they missed a chance
to combine this week's two Sidney Lumet / Al Pacino
collaborations - SERPICO (9.05pm, Sat, BBC2) and DOG DAY
AFTERNOON (9.35pm, Tue, C5) - into what could have been an
excellent "Dog Day Afternoon Afternoon"...
FILM>> just when you thought you'd had enough of the suburban
underbelly, along comes hackneyed but professional "Reality
Bites" meets "The Simpsons" laff riot AMERICAN BEAUTY
(http://www.cndb.com : Kevin Spacey - "you could see his balls
swing between his legs"; Mena Suvari - "I happen to like large
nipples, and her pair really impressed me"; Wes Bentley -
"brief buns while filming Thora Birch"; Thora Birch - "large,
adolescent breasts, full and pendulous, with large nipples and
a huge aureole that seems to cover a third of her ample
bosoms"). Capalert reports some additional "Internet nudity",
Spacey plays his usual comedy creepy guy... weary old Tommy
Lee Jones sets off after nudity-prone Ashley "Heat" Judd in
chick-friendly "The Fugitive" retread DOUBLE JEOPARDY
(http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : open mouth kissing;
insults of parents; child participation in illegal games for
money; husband staging his fake murder; reckless endangerment
and destruction of private property to escape lawful
prosecution), when in fact they should be chasing Ashley's
lawyer - the actual legal principle is that you can't be tried
twice for the same crime *committed at the same time and
place*... the odds don't look good for lame Sharon Stone
horsey Sam Shepard adaptation SIMPATICO (imdb: drama /
comedy), but there's always African-American hybrid of adult /
teen "Now And Then" and "American Pie" coming-of-ager THE WOOD
(http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : series of muffled foul
language; references to gender-specific anatomy; tell-tale
signs of unmarried cohabitation; robbery at gunpoint - without
consequences) - an "African-American Pie", if you will...
DEAD TREE PUBLISHING>> yes, that time of year when many of us
start looking for fresh newsstand fodder, particularly now
that both David Brake *and* Nick Rosen are believed to be
writing for REVOLUT!ON... fans of ex-OFFICIAL PLAYSTATION
staffer Stephen Pierce's uniquely turgid writing style will be
pleased to see him resurfacing on new "PlayStations and
lifestyle" mag PSW (UKP2.99 with free memory card), in a
feature about visiting Dixons. Hey, maybe the rest of the team
- including ex-EMAPper David "UpchURCH!" Upchurch - will let
him "edit" the letters page... PLAYSTATION POWER hit back with
their own, 20p cheaper, covermounted RAM card (for WH Smiths
customers only), plus the news that they're ditching the
"Playstation" part of their name, no doubt in preparation for
when the bottom drops out of the non-PS2 market in about 9
months' time... James Wallis reports that CRAZYNET is likely
to be coming back, though probably without him, and that its
(sole) UK issue - a British version of French mag "MicroDingo"
- was so crazily successful they're thinking of launching it
in France as well... members of ever-vigilant community
robotics monitoring group KEVIN WARWICK WATCH were swift to
alert us to the cyborg-master's moodily-lit appearance on the
latest cover of WIRED, "looking like Spock's brother or
something". Hope his real-life implants work better than the
lenticular lens gimmick... lively goings-on at PARAGON
PUBLISHING too (home of Practical Internet, Internet Made
Easy, Web Pages Made Easy, Mac Made Easy), as they
inadvertently made it all-too easy to mail their entire "Total
Games Network News" list while trying to unsubscribe,
resulting in a stock-crash-style vicious circle of users
sending "Why do I keep getting all these mails! Unsubscribe!"
to everyone else, inevitably provoking them to do the same...
and finally, thanks to everyone who sent in A Albert's recent
letter from the normally sane ECONOMIST, in which he lucidly
points out that "The numeral six corresponds to the Hebrew
letter 'Vav' or 'Waw', typically rendered as 'w' in the Latin
alphabet", and concludes that "www=666", giving a new
interpretation to that Revelations "number of the beast" quote
- "And that no man might buy or sell save he that had the
mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name" -
in the light of the recent boom in .com advertising...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as "failing to cater to the entrepreneur"
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