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    "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is
     important.  It's not only life of babies, but it's life of
   children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
         - GEORGE W. BUSH, going for that elusive teen e-Morlock vote
        http://politics.slate.msn.com/Features/bushisms/bushisms.asp


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               widely diffused

         So the healing power of *music* has at last mended the rift
         between NAPSTER and BERTELSMANN AKTIENGESELLSCHAFT - and, at
         the moment, is even enabling them to overlook their
         glaringly fundamental incompatibilities. The whole point of
         a peer-to- peer system is that anyone can swap any file with
         anyone else - if BMG are going to restrict it to certain
         approved promo tracks, or run compensatory payment tracking
         for every file on the system (which'd be fun for bands who
         are signed to different labels in different territories),
         they might as well do it with a few industrial strength
         ftp-sites. And if they don't, they continue to run the risk
         of copyright actions from, ooh - off the top of our heads,
         every other record company in the world. And even if the Nap
         magically chases the *bad* files out of its walled garden,
         won't the action move to more staid (and more heartily
         defended) "Napster for workgroups" projects like .NET and
         Groove? BMG don't seem to have the faintest inkling of how
         intimately P2P and piracy are interlinked - but, hey,
         they're a major label, and therefore their job is to waste
         huge amounts of money on what the kids seem to like. Also,
         it'll be far funnier to watch, if the Napster/ BMG deal
         turns out less like AOL buying Netscape, and more like the
         Sex Pistols signing to EMI.
         http://www.bertelsmann.com/press/press_item.cfm?id=2461
"Hey kids, swap legally approved tracks among yourselves! It'll be groovy!"

         Time to speak softly and carry a large cluestick. The
         British Patent Office is wetting its feet in the whole
         software patent controversy, and wants your poolside advice.
         Unlike some public consultations we could mention, this
         actually seems to be genuine, and well considered; the PO
         have a list of questions they'd like answered from live
         developers and entrepreneurs, they're happy to take answers
         after the closing date of 2000-12-12, and they've already
         got a very nice backgrounder on the current, rather
         sensible, UK software patent stance. They're even hosting an
         NNTP newsgroup for discussions. Why, it'd be positively
         impolite not to make your voice heard.
         http://www.patent.gov.uk/snews/notices/softcons.html
                - best suggestions win an exclusive, twenty-year monopoly
         http://www.freepatents.org/
         - put this "End Software Patents" GIF on your... oh, hold on

         Just when we were re-considering our self-serving plans to
         reward bad Net writing in the press, VNU's MOLE wrote in to
         shop his colleagues with his own treasured quote list,
         including the excellent "Encryption is a computer technique
         that turns confidential documents into meaningless
         sentences" (anonymised BBC TV news reporter). This week's
         top entry in the make-it-up-as-you-go-along stakes has to be
         VICTORIA FLETCHER and KEN HYDER of the Daily Express, and
         their thoughtful piece "Hackers 'pass Microsoft code to
         Kremlin'". Executive summary: "Whoever stole the formula at
         the heart of the ubiquitous Windows program", the Express
         reports, "will be able to hack into any PC in the world".
         And watch out, because "The whole telephone network in St
         Petersburg was configured to ensure that the KGB had access
         to everything ... so they will have a copy of these source
         codes somewhere." Of course they will.  Meanwhile,
         competition inspiration John Arlidge, THE OBSERVER's media
         correspondent, writes to one NTK subscriber to defend his
         description of the Interweb [see NTK 2000-10-13 for the
         complete story]. "There was, I'm afraid, confusion amongst
         editors", he writes. "Rest assured", he adds, "heads will
         roll." Perhaps the first brain to shove should be that of
         The Observer's own media diarist, who in August warned
         "uber-geek" Net experts were doomed as "other hacks cottoned
         on to the Internet". Now, who could that fast-learning hack
         have been, we wonder?
         http://www.dailyexpress.co.uk/00/10/29/news/n0220.shtml
                                            - "experts are terrified"
         http://www.vnunet.com/News/61067
              - also contains some major Sunday Times Y2K dumbness...
   http://www.guardianunlimited.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4050983,00.html
                           - just to fend off those "sell-out" flames


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         unrepentant MISS BOO swiftly slips back into coke-snorting,
         cross-dressing high-life: http://www.boo.com/diary3.asp ,
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/03/dohboo.jpg ... after last week's
         launch party, http://www.q4music.com/ likely to appear at
         *some* point during Q4 2000... sex-myths disproved with
         statistical rigour: http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/03/dohthru.jpg
         ... "if this wasn't on UKNM, you'd assume it was a troll" #1:
http://www.chinwag.com/uk-netmarketing/archive/archive-oct-2000/msg00763.shtml
         MARK WARD corrects "2600 MHz" to "2600 kHz" - still wrong:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_994000/994700.stm
         your LICENSE FEES at work #2: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/pda/
         (and indeed hp_includes/ , new/ , work/ , search/ , reception/
         and vote/ )... "the sending of messages which contain
         sexual... references ... is prohibited" warns LYCOS free SMS
         service: http://www.uk.lycos.de/service/sms/agb.html - click
         "Accept" to choose from list including "Nice Bum", "Sexy Minx"
         and "NORWICH"... "Buy it at BOL" - before reading further:
http://193.122.15.169/reviews/generalfiction/0%2c6121%2c366440%2c00.html
         sendmoreinfo.com sending more info than you'd expected:
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/10/27/dohsend.jpg ... teen-popsters
         with a message: http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/03/dohdaph.gif ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         When they came for *our* keys, we'd always had some vague plan
         to fake an instant amnesia attack ("Who am I? What year is 
         this? Are 'Adam And The Ants' still number one?"), but more
         legally advisable strategies - along with protecting yourself
         and your sources, plus evading surveillance in the first place
         - are the topics of LIVING WITH THE RIP: A JOURNALIST'S GUIDE
         TO SURVIVING CYBER-REGULATION (Thursday 2000-11-16, London's
         ICA, free but you must pre-register). It's run by City
         University's "Netmedia" crew, so it's pretty legit, with an
         impressive speaker line-up that includes the most famous of
         the numerous DUNCAN CAMPBELLS (that's one strategy to throw
         them off your trail right there), CASPAR "the friendly spook"
         BOWDEN, plus "Big Mouth" BILLY "Bass" THOMPSON.
         http://www.courseleader.com/about/press/mediaforum.asp
         - OK, so Bowden isn't a spook - at least as far as we know...

         Responding at last to our complaints that they "never tell us
         about stuff far enough in advance", the ARSDIGITA cult (along
         with "Runtime Collective") have 'fessed up to a *free* TWO-DAY
         BOOTCAMP ON BUILDING DATABASE-BACKED WEBSITES WITH SQL AND TCL
         (2000-11-18/19, in "sunny" Brighton, implying they have rather
         more optimistic long-range weather forecasting than the rest
         of the country). Certainly nothing sinister about this at all,
         nor in the fact that, usually when we mention these events,
         prospective visitors cheerily promise that they'll mail us
         afterwards to reassure us that they haven't come back
         "changed". Then we never hear from them again.
         http://www.arsdigita.com/events/event-info?event_id=2091
         - didn't "Runtime Collective" once employ Gemini Man?

         And for those of you seeking more immediate gratification, you
         can always count on the KLF's JIMMY CAUTY, who'll be leaving
         no source of controversy untapped at 5pm on Bonfire Night,
         when he plans to set fire to a giant painting of Princess
         Diana dying in a car crash "outside the House of Windsor and 
         the House of Commons" (and presumably it's made out of a
         million pounds or something).
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/11/03/krash.gif
         - like a Roman candle in the wind. Pop! Pop! Whoosh! Etc.
         http://www.ddonline.co.uk/thisisgrimsby.html
                  - grimmer up north than previously realised


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Now that the RIPA is beginning to bite, we guess it's about
         time to start rolling out plugs for all those useful
         technologies that completely undermine its intent of
         allowing government and bosses to monitor any of your
         communications they damn well like. Down at Def Con 1, Yaman
         Akdeniz's UK CYBER-RIGHTS org has done a deal with the
         Irish/American company Hush to rebrand their secure Webmail
         product for Brits. Hushmail uses a Java applet to encrypt
         communications between its servers and your machine, and
         pretty much guarantees secure communication between
         individual Hushmail users. It's not perfect, mind you: they
         use non-standard protocols, your private key is kept on
         their (non-UK) servers, and there have been some mutterings
         about the problems of trusting even a signed Java app. But
         it should work well enough to keep your boss from reading
         your mail, or the local authorities from casually snooping
         your traffic. It's also a lot easier to set up than PGP. For
         the more determined crypto fan, Canadian paranoiacs ZERO
         KNOWLEDGE SYSTEMS have just released version 2.0 of their
         rather spiffing FREEDOM service. It's *very* open source at
         the moment - the new Linux client is MPLed, but still
         requires some battering of makefiles to compile. But with
         people like Ian Goldberg, Stefan Brands on board, the crypto
         is as sound as it gets, and the pre-compiled Windows version
         (still at 1.0) is very user-friendly. Freedom offers secure,
         anonymised surfing, e-mail and newsreading, and while it
         does cost money ($49.95 for five anonymous accounts - and
         yes, they accept cash), it's a great choice for companies
         wishing to preserve their privacy, a Windows user who wants
         a fire-and-forget encryption package, or a Linux hacker who
         wants to peer into how near-perfect forward-secrecy can be
         made to work in code.
         http://www.cyber-rights.net/
                                 - and this is just the first wave...
         http://www.zeroknowledge.com/
                                                         - ...we hope


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                              hasta la altavista

         DEVIL has all the best tunes, sauciest lyrics, most revealing
         costumes: http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/teenidol.html ...
         dot-coms are in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK phase of "Lucasian
         business cycle", theorises newsletter from personalization.com
         - and they're not the only ones: http://www.vaderfor2000.org/
         ... entire article (and board) fails to mention MICROSOFT:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/newsid_1003000/1003985.stm
         or speculate on the timing of "recent unpleasantness" at:
         http://www.google.com/search?q=cache:www.ms-monopoly.com/ (vs
         http://www.satirewire.com/briefs/euro.html )... innovative,
         non-pointless JAVA: http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/
         ... "if only we had an infinite number of bored employees, in
         an infinite number of offices - hey, wait a minute! we do!":
  http://www.claymath.org/prize_problems/million-dollar-minesweeper.htm
         new MONDO magazine is just another lame lifestyle publication,
         despite being launched in the year 2000... life more ironic
         than ONION: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/001031/80/anvew.html ...
         http://www.tragibutes.co.uk was presumably a viral for release
         of BLUE JAM on Warp Records - sorry... People for the Ethical
         Treatment of REFERRER INFO: http://www.smithsq.co.uk/ ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                         the less rude www.tvgohome.com 

         TV>> ITV continues its unwatchable Saturday Night Movie run,
         with inconceivably dire VR kiddy romp LAWNMOWER MAN 2: BEYOND
         CYBERSPACE (10.35pm, Sat, ITV)... while C5 hits back with
         romantic cyber-nonsense THE ANDROID AFFAIR (12.05pm, Sat, C5),
         before clearing the decks for Discovery ripoff SHARK WEEKEND
         (from 8.05pm, Sat, C5) - using a definition of "shark" that's
         so flexible it includes a remake of Joe Dante's razor-toothed
         maze-running PIRANHA (9pm, Sat, C5), follow-up PIRANHA II:
         FLYING KILLERS (10.45pm, Sat, C5) - described by director
         James Cameron as "the finest flying piranha film ever made"
         http://www.wimpyjesus.com/cameron/articl33.htm , plus Patrick
         Stewart's whaling classic MOBY DICK (4.40pm, Sun, C5) - which
         isn't even a kind of fish!... aptly named mobile-endorser John
         Simm explores the darker side of "pay as you go" tariffs in
         yet another gritty, realistic housing-estate drama NEVER NEVER
         (9pm, Sun, C4)... self-referential Scream prequel WES CRAVEN'S
         NEW NIGHTMARE (10.30pm, Sun, C4) isn't quite as funny, scary
         or interesting as it should be... while the BBC2 AWARDS
         (10.30pm, Sun, BBC2) commend innovation in "Best TV Moment",
         "Ad Campaign", and "Internet Design" - "Internet Content"
         obviously being far less important nowadays... "Local Heroes"
         invention-reconstructor Adam Hart-Davis returns in WHAT THE
         ROMANS DID FOR US (8.30pm, Mon, BBC2), hopefully to be
         followed by other shows based on lines from "Monty Python's
         Life Of Brian"... C5 buries Michael "Kramer from Seinfeld"
         Richards' geek-classic UNSTRUNG HEROES at 3.30pm on a Tuesday
         afternoon... ANGEL squares up against Thunderbirds in the 6pm
         Tuesday slot, making space for a celeb-hosted TFI Friday...
         and, after "Con Air" two weeks ago, Tuesday night is exploding
         airliner night again, in Wolfgang "Perfect Storm" Petersen's
         aerial carnage AIR FORCE ONE (9pm, Tue, C5) - also starring
         Simon Quinlank as the Secretary of Defense... lame Western
         spoof WAGONS EAST! (10.50pm, Wed, C4) is notable both for
         being John Candy's last film, and for co-starring Melina
         Culea, aka "Amy Allen" from "The A-Team"... while, armed with
         nothing more dangerous than a broken table leg, Steven Seagal
         battles the dumping of lethal dayglo toxic goo in mildly
         amusing eco-trash FIRE DOWN BELOW (9.05pm, Thu, C5)...

         FILM>> something of a special week for film titles ending with
         the syllables "-owl" or "-er": Curtis "LA Confidential" Hanson
         imports a wintry cast from "The Ice Storm" (Katie Holmes,
         Tobey Maguire) plus Frances "Fargo" McDormand for Michael
         Douglas screwball dope-smoking middle-aged novelist crisis
         WOND-ER BOYS (http://www.capalert.com : teen in sleepwear with
         adult male in her bedroom with her; homosexual relationships,
         behaviors and innuendo; equating being sent home to parents as
         a bad thing; gunfire to kill a dog attacking a man)... another
         teen re-teaming is complicated by an affair with an older
         academic, in Jason "American Pie" Biggs and Mena "American
         Beauty" Suvari's sparky gross-out double nerd-makeover LOS-ER
         (MPAA: Passed '12' for strong language, and drug and sex
         references)... while the Dawson's Creek higher-education
         trauma continues as Joshua Jackson fictionalises George W
         Bush's secret Yale Illuminati sect THE SKULLS (more info at
         http://www.davidicke.com/icke/magazine/vol-5/bushsucks.html )
         ... which almost rhymes with Pierce Brosnan pretending to be a
         white guy pretending to be a Native American in beautifully
         filmed eco-yawn GREY OWL (imdb: indians-adopt-white-boy /
         snowshoe / trapper / 1930s / biographical / based-on-true-
         story / beaver / canada / environmental / author / impostor /
         half-breed / native-american / lecturer / national-park /
         park-ranger / independent-film)... leaving heart-warming
         Northern fund-raiser PURELY BELT-ER (imdb: comedy / drama)...
         widely unpromoted Winona Ryder sub-Exorcist effort LOST S-OULS
         (http://www.capalert.com : threat with knife to the eyes;
         leaving the scene of an accident; a statue of the crucifixion
         being broken, causing Jesus to hand upside down with an open-
         eyed expression of horror) - which, nonetheless, casts Ben
         "Game On" Chaplin as the antichrist... plus Merchant-Ivory
         period piece THE GOLDEN B-OWL (imdb: Uma "The Avengers"
         Thurman, Jeremy "The Net" Northam, Kate "Shooting Fish"
         Beckinsale, Nick "48 Hours" Nolte - together at last!)...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> eagle-eyed DAVID AMOR located a "Who
         Nicked The Nougat?" SNICKERS at "Gatwick Airport", describing
         the experience as "the same as a Snickers, but over quicker"
         ... POLO SMOOTHIES (99p for bag of about 40) turned out to be
         mildly preferable to Strawberry Campino, as well as being "30%
         larger than normal Polos"... while BEN MOOR inquired "Is that
         Chester the Cheetos Cheetah that Tony the Frosties Tiger is
         beating up in the TV ad?"... but the big talking point was, of
         course, CADBURY'S TANGO CRUNCHIE, first spotted in the wild by
         RICHARD IRONS - "tasted as if I was eating a Crunchie to try
         and get the taste of a rotten citrus fruit out of my mouth".
         "The sugary vim of Tango just wasn't carried through into the
         bar," agreed SIMON W JONES, comparing the whole to "sugar,
         chocolate and cheap marmalade", though STUART CAIE was more
         positive, arguing "They should call it Terry's Chocolate
         Orange Crunchie because, in all honesty, that's what it
         actually *is*". "Sounds like two companies jumping into bed
         together for a little bit of money," mused IAIN MACGARROW,
         "which is not that dissimilar to eating one - first it's quite
         fun and exciting, but then it just gets all sticky and
         disgusting". Hey, we quite enjoyed it... similarly, JAMES
         HOPKIN proclaimed the WHITE CHOCOLATE AERO "a far sexier
         beast" than the Cadbury's Snowflake ("Double yum!", he added,
         helpfully), though we're not sure if he's referring to the
         peculiar "Stuff Xmas! Treat Yourself!" CRANBERRY FLAVOUR WHITE
         CENTRE AERO we discovered recently in Colliers Wood. We'd also
         advise those seeking Snowflake-alternatives to try FOX'S
         excellent "Bubbly White Chocolate" ECHO biscuit bars, just 59p
         for a pack of 6... TV's MATT LUCAS regretted he was unable to
         tell us his views on the Snowflake, as he's "on a diet",
         though he could confirm that "Chocolate Rispinos are better
         than Chocolate Snack-A-Jacks. However, Caramel Snack-A-Jacks
         top the lot"... in which case, he'd best try to avoid both
         double-sized GIANT ROLOS (44p), and our product of the month,
         KELLOGG'S WORLD TEMPTATIONS cereal (UKP1.99) whose "Belgian
         Chocolate Dream" variety contains less sugar, yet 7.5 times
         more fat than Coco Pops - and consequently, we imagine, is the
         closest thing yet to edible heroin... finally, October's
         product-spotter award goes to MICHAEL REEVE for not just
         confirming our concerns over NESTLE'S WONKALATE, which is like
         raspberry-flavoured white chocolate, with green blobs in it
         ("another stunning victory for E-numbers"), but for also being
         the first to identify, following the success of Fruit
         Pastilles Body Parts, CADBURY'S CARAMEL EYEBALLS. "They're
         caramel, in the shape of eyeballs, wrapped in foil how
         eyeballs come," Reeve deadpans. "You get 10 in a packet. You
         will probably want fewer"...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                          "the slime is not included"
     http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=484291225


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