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         "When you people do business with artists, you have to take
         a different view of things. We want to be treated with the
         respect that now goes to Web designers."
                          - COURTNEY LOVE, member of the "slave-class" 
                   http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2000/06/14/love/
              ...swap you the free Adobe mousemat for drugs, groupies


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                universal abuse

         Oh, so *now* everyone's saying RIP's bad? As the bill enters
         the Lords, the Guardian ("disgraceful"), the Observer ("your
         privacy ends here"), the Financial Times ("objectionable"),
         the Independent ("crass"), the Evening Standard ("a
         nightmare out of George Orwell") and even Computer Weekly
         ("torpedo the bill") finally spotted the deliberate mistakes.
         Jack Straw took up the shaky defence: the idea of "black
         boxes" sending data to the new interception centre from ISPs
         was ridiculous, he wrote to the Times. Hmm. Given that the
         Home Office's own commissioned report described the nature
         of these boxes in some detail, what replacement does he have
         in mind? Encrypted pigeon post? On a second front in the
         Financial Times, his letter pooh-poohed the British Chamber
         of Commerce's estimate of up to 46 billion UKP lost by
         e-commerce skiddadling abroad post-RIP. Nonsense, he said:
         e-commerce only amounts to 0.6% of GDP: less than five
         billion. But the Chamber was talking about over five years,
         Minister; and they were using *your* estimates of a global
         e-commerce marketplace of 800UKP billion by 2005, with a 5%
         hold in the UK (2.5% with RIP in place). Incidentally, your
         estimate's off a bit: IDC research guessed last week that
         the worldwide market would bring in $1700 billion (1100UKP
         billion) in *three* years time. Although frankly, we stopped
         counting after the first billion pounds worth of tax
         revenue. How many black boxes you could buy with that?
         http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/oicd/techcost.pdf
                                        - about as many as you'd need
         http://www.fipr.org/rip/
                                          - getting a bit hot in here

         God knows, we now have a in-depth knowledge of mail gateway
         filtering - for those of you not reading this, for example,
         the www.isfuckingbrilliant.com link in memepool meant this
         wasn't delivered to your work address. Sorry. But some
         bounces are stranger than others. Take the Redhat developer
         who was asked to mark all his mail UNCLASSIFIED before it
         was accepted by an Australian defence site. Or this sinister
         message, received by someone trying to mail a
         friend at London Electricity: "London Electricity has...
         temporarily stopped this e-mail. If the attachment is found
         not to comply with company policy, the message may be
         deleted and, in certain circumstances, action will be taken
         against the LE staff member who has sent the message or was
         the intended recipient." Sacking people because they get
         sent attachments? Is this some kind of remote-controlled
         Falco? 
         http://www.londonelec.co.uk/
                    - devoting rather too much energy to us, we think
         http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_6686.html
                    - but do be careful where you're bouncing them to

         It says something about a man that he can still throw a hell
         of a party, even while dead. The string of Paul Farrington
         [NTK 2000-05-05] wakes reaches a peak this Saturday 2230, when
         friends of Paul meet at Unit Q, Liquid Studio, Wallace Road,
         Hackney Wick (dir. opp. Hackney Wick BR statin). Dresscode:
         stupid, rubber, or s&m, it says here, although we're betting
         a mexican look would fit right in. And for all intents and
         purposes, you too are now a friend of Paul - "who would have
         promptly abandoned any party which contained only people he
         already knew". Our suggestion: invite along that very cool
         person you've fancied for ages. Or that quiet smart kid
         you've wanted to spend more time with. Be nice. Be nicer.
         Send GIFs.
         http://www1.cex.co.uk/about/default.asp?page=ftn
                     - don't bring a hard drive you want checking out


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         http://www.davidicke.com/ says NETWORK SOLUTIONS part of
         international Illuminati conspiracy - well, duh... Falco
         takes THE-BULLET.COM (always thought that Friday newsletter
         idea was doomed) ... will the public never tire of public
         MACOS crashes? http://www.ntk.net/2000/06/16/dohohare.jpg ...
         instant FALCOed by everyone: http://www.recordtv.com/ ... 
         "diversity of wildlife around Chernobyl stuns biologists",
         says unduly upbeat report... spot the bored headline writers 
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/06/16/dohetry.jpg ... a more epic form: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/06/16/dohlycos.gif ... i've seen things 
         you people wouldn't believe: wheely-bins on fire off 
         the A34: http://www.thisiswalsall.co.uk/ ... polite hint 
         to http://www.the-times.co.uk/fantasy/ coders: using
         consecutive pins from 123400 upwards really isn't that secure ...
         http://www.ntk.net/2000/06/16/dannybaker.gif : figures ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         No, this isn't "Yet Another" plug for YET ANOTHER PERL
         CONFERENCE 19100; last week's issue incorrectly implied that
         YAPC was this week, when in fact it's next week - we can
         never remember which of those pesky localtime() indices
         start with 1 or 0.  Anyway, going by the number of tips
         we've received about it, it's not going to be a patch on the
         VXSLAB BIRTHDAY PARTY (from 8pm, Sat 2000-06-17, a "strange
         North London location"), featuring free booze, fireworks,
         geek DJs, "Pure Perl code generating 'dance music' and
         ambience - some of this perl will be written live", plus, of
         course, "live electronica from the legendary Ashley Pomeroy,
         live via 10mb ethernet from a small box in the corner of the
         room". Can these guys show you a good time, or what?
         http://www.lurk.org/birthday/
                - "Look, over there - someone's having a 'good time'..."
         http://www.noaltgirls.org/tech_nicks/
          - meanwhile, NTK fave 386DX plays "Living Mute", Fri 23-Sun 25
         http://www.dcs.warwick.ac.uk/bshm/meetings.html#crypt
             - next week: trips to see noted historical comedy, U-571


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         We can't quite see the Omigo/AOL Instant Messaging fracas as
         being the next "battle for the desktop", frankly. Man,
         it's only *chat*. But if your Linux desktop is currently
         being occupied by the amassed forces of weirdo incompatible IM
         clients, maybe you should try EVERYBUDDY, the slutty chat client
         that does it with everyone. AIM, Yahoo, MSN and ICQ support
         is included; multiple accounts can be attached to single
         individuals, and the interface doesn't look like it was
         created with a Glade-enabled crayon. It's not quite the
         high-falutin' super-engineered project of the Jabber guys -
         but man, it's only *chat*.
         http://www.everybuddy.com/
      - altho every other Freshmeat package is a IM client these days
         http://www.jabber.org/
                                          - dem call me Mr_Loverman310


                                >> MEMEPOOL << 
                              hasta la altavista

         Foo Quest as the next "Zen and the Art of Foo" ... in that 
         Slashdot ad for Open Source Magazine, has someone poked
         out Tux's eyes, or what? ... whatever happened to Miss Boo?
         http://www.skintwo.co.uk/fetishdoll/fetishdoll.htm ...
         graphic teletext http://www.bsc.org.uk/bullitin/cnttxt.htm
         ... watch Nathan go potty with time-lapse POWERPOINT:
         http://www.research.microsoft.com/acm97/nm/tsld032.htm ... Barley o'
         the week: http://www.chinwag.com/uk-netmarketing/msg01281.shtml ...
         WAPped to death - http://www.freeprotocols.org/wapTrap/one/main.html 
         brutally honest FAQs: http://www.connex.co.uk/connex/faq.nsf/wFAQ vs
         http://www.isfuckingbrilliant.com/faq/ ... life imitates South Park:
         http://www.ananova.com/news/story/crime_us-animal-cruelty_39859.html
         just don't blame us when he's in a smartgroups ad:
         http://www.geocities.com/walters_mission/ ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                    the less rude http://www.tvgohome.com/

         TV>> after apparently being completely taken in by fake
         "extreme wrestling" (as previously exposed by Louis Theroux),
         RUBY WAX'S AMERICAN PIE (10pm, Sun, BBC2) continues its
         (unintentional?) theme of falling for well-known media hoaxes,
         with a visit to Ron Harris, who sells supermodel eggs online:
         www.ntk.net/index.cgi?back=archive99/now1029.txt&line=52#l ...
         in place of virtual reality, the Wachowski brothers settle on
         lipstick lesbianism as the gimmick for their pre-Matrix debut
         BOUND (10pm, Sun, C4)... and Mark Cousins presents a double-
         bill of dated-looking Nic Roeg eroticism, starting with
         obligatory Jenny Agutter nudity yawn WALKABOUT (from 10pm,
         Sun, BBC2)... unamusing "insights" into the nature of comedy
         punctuate an unamusing live set of STAND UP WITH ALAN DAVIES
         (10.40pm, Mon, BBC1)... another great excuse not to hoover, as
         EAT DIRT (9pm, Tue, C4) proposes that dirt and germs are
         essential for a healthy immune system - just like hackers
         highlight vital security flaws, eh kids?... while WHO WOULD
         WANT TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE? (9pm, Wed, C4) combines all the
         benefits of showing the notorious US publicity backfire, plus
         all the critical distance of a serious documentary... RIVER
         DEEP, MOUNTAIN HIGH (8pm, Thu, BBC1) transplants the usual
         poorly play-tested survival contests to the Lake District -
         hopefully featuring the Ike & Tina Turner wife-beating anthem
         of the same name... it's Terminator rip-off week on C5 - again
         - with Mario Van Peebles playing rogue cyborg soldier SOLO
         (9pm, Thu, C5)... and the BBC celebrates 10 years of THE
         SIMPSONS (6pm, Fri, BBC2) - albeit on a totally different
         channel, notes the show's least enthusiatic fanatic, over at
         http://www.buzzcola.co.uk/simpsons/bbc/#night ...

         FILM>> it's extensively re-cut (with sex scenes featuring
         completely different actors), and wildly derivative of
         everything from "Event Horizon" to "The Fly" - but hey, it's
         *big-screen sci-fi*, as James "Stargate" Spader and Angela
         "Strange Days" Bassett justify some suitably explosive digital
         F/X in SUPERNOVA (http://www.screenit.com/: Lou Diamond
         Phillips plays a medical technician who has sex with Danika,
         becomes obsessed with the alien artifact, and briefly uses
         profanity)... "Back To The Future meets The Sixth Sense" - ie
         "The Sixth Sense, but with some sort of plot" - claims the
         poster for intricate cross-causality save-your-parents fantasy
         FREQUENCY (imdb: time-travel / firefighting / ham-radio /
         serial-killer / world-series / nurse / alternate-timeline /
         police / aurora-borealis / skeleton / baseball) - a
         superstring-enabled adaptation of the Mike And The [Quantum]
         Mechanics song "In The Living Years"... Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi
         remakes "Jerry Maguire" in erratically-articled FOR THE LOVE
         OF GAME (http://www.capalert.com/ : immoral cohabitation
         between an unmarried heterosexual couple who engage in all
         manner of behavior), with Kelly Preston in exactly the same
         role, and Kevin Costner as a bloke attempting a "perfect game"
         of baseball, which seems to be similar to the time that guy
         clocked Pacman or something... leaving this week's only major
         dud: Sandra Bullock rehabilitating everything *except her
         career* in ill-judged alcoholism comedy 28 DAYS (imdb: alcohol-
         abuse / drug-rehabilitation / rehabilitation / sister /
         wedding / alcohol-problem / alcohol / motor-car-crash / drug-
         abuse / drug-overdose)...

         FEEBDACK>> (In something resembling chronological order, for
         once.) Following the remarkable "Why does the Onion keep
         stealing all our jokes?" allegations from Smeg magazine [NTK
         2000-05-26], keen-eyed STEVEN SNEDKER realised that psychic
         clairvoyance offers yet another explanation: Smeg claim they
         "wrote the original version 3 years ago", yet the line "hot
         sweaty rest-room meeting with pop star George Michael" is
         oddly prophetic of Michael's actual arrest in April 1998:
http://mrshowbiz.go.com/archive/news/Todays_Stories/980409/michael40998.html
         - just over two years ago... our "musical soundalike" section
         [NTK 2000-06-02] looks set to return to its regular monthly
         slot (unless we receive more complaints - and soon!), with
         ALAN "HAMILTON" CONNOR wishing he'd mentioned his own
         "crackpot theory" that "Britney's ['Oops I Did It Again']
         derives its chorus melody from Woman In Love as performed by
         Barbara Streisand", and ADRIAN MOULDER contending that the
         Buffalo Girls' "Really Saying Something" was clearly "based on
         NTK favourites DAPHNE AND CELESTE's entire [one-hit] career",
         further noting that D&C's latest release, "U.G.L.Y", "does not
         appear to be a cover of the Pop Will Eat Itself track of the
         same name"... bang up-to-date now, thanks to everyone who
         spotted that a) LineOne is no longer part-owned by News
         International [NTK 2000-06-09] ("the Great Satan used to have
         a one-third stake in us", writes one relieved employee), but
         by United News And Media (ie The Daily Express), and b) that
         the "Transdiffusion" CD [also 2000-06-09] doesn't seem to be
         free either, despite both our claims to the contrary... and
         finally, sightings flooded in for last week's "Confectionery
         Theory" listings of: COLA SMARTIES (opinions range from "More
         boring than ordinary Smarties" to "Shouldn't work, but they
         do"); the previously unsuspected JELLY AND ICE CREAM FRUIT
         PASTILLES ("A bit of a revelation, though making every second
         one the slightly sickly vanilla is a bit much"); "Frozen
         Carbonated Drink" ICE BLAST (not sampled, but now emblazoning
         the side of the "Playstation" ride on Blackpool Pleasure
         Beach); and, finally, NESTLE ROWNTREE BURSTING BUGS, which
         "have been available almost a week from Miles newsagents on
         Cheetham Hill Road in Manchester (they always have the latest
         special editions and newest products!)". "The fun," our
         correspondent writes, "is bursting them - they go like boils
         given the right sort of squeeze between the fingers, the sweet
         red ichor being a bit too thick to truly squirt", eliciting
         the comment "like something just had an orgasm in my mouth"
         from one colleague. NTK regrets that this correspondence is
         now closed...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
           one Friday or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as 
                            "distinctly scabarous"
                              (Q Magazine, p152)

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