Fear and Ignorance. Ignorance and Fear. Those are our watchwords.
Lies, USENET lies, and government consultation periods
thanks, but no thanks
letters to the government, packets to the people
changing our underwear, updating our risumis
uk.gone, digital rag and bone, dance dance implementation
Old Media Cheek, Currently Residing in The Event Queue File
Hilary's term at Oxford
the meetings will continue until morale improves
zer0 day b33b and the Sinclair Brothers
Google shark-jumping?, Perl and Cocoa
Children of the Banned, Party poop
LibDems, KidPr0n, DVDSync
The claims of Acclaim, Perl world tour
Cons and conmen, HARRIXOS will never die!
Earth invasion postponed.
EUCD2, Bayes Watch, PlayStation "cool"
Summertime Squeak Special - in Dolby
EUCD UK, Defcon Upshots, another W3C compliance test to fail
Summertime Surveillance, No Orgasms for Kevin
Movement down the Redbus, Sexy Torrents of Bits, No *I'm* Ploticus
Back in the former USSR, Charlie the Angry Drunken Satirist, 8 bits enter a room 1K leaves
Do y*u Y*h**?, Edge vs NTK vs KLF vs Johnny Ball
man perlbeg, googlebucks, be the gipper of fipr
careless talk, lies at the palladium, checking lilo status
RIPA, mate; ooh UKUUG; and fizzy milk
post-XCOM letdown, BBCing you, socat sogood
a word from our sponsors
Demons of the past, Extreme Pleading
Phone bridge of sighs, but Outlook is rosy at last
All Cons, No Pros
Grammy Boots, Perl To Python, Emerging Conferences
Everyone dress up as monkeys and run for mayor. Pass it on.
CDR, EUCD, DPA, 1475!
No^H^H Yes Minister, Computers Freedom Privacy, For Fsck's Sake
invisible nets, unrecognised countries, zen differentials
Going CYC-O, audioshopping, doubleplus unconvention
Bad BT, Bad PPP, Bad BBC!
Murdoch (probably) owns you, silly billing, haiku-fu
Liberty requires eternal ebullience, love and reality both bite
Grammy sucks eggs, Dead Men Posting, and get well soon Rob
Codecon, Funky Dredds and "Life" is the name of the game
goth bands, froups banned, bitmap of the heart
Takedown's a bitch, creme egg *cones*?
Booby prizes, dorkbot and dillo
BBC basics, Ms Tron, more of .me
It's always about .me, isn't it?
Big Marc, Little Marc, Gopher broke, and get whitey chocolate
"Happy New Warez" porn link round-up
_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk> | \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2002-06-28_ o join! mail an empty message to | \| | | | | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o firstname.lastname@example.org | |\ | | | | . \ | | | | (_) \ v v / o website (+ archive) lives at: |_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Mr Gallup said the findings may also apply to women who engage in unprotected oral sex and people who engage in anal sex. But he said further research was needed in these areas..." http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/health/newsid_2067000/2067223.stm ...and they call me "Mr Gallup" - because of my extensive poll >> HARD NEWS << autonomous CPUs Lot of talk this week about Microsoft's new bluesky project: In the softest of previews in Newsweek, Steven Levy banged on about PALLADIUM, alluding to the sacred (but as it turns out, a bit horse-blind) guardian of Troy. British readers will know the term better as the fancy West End theatre that spawned Beatlemania and now shows overpriced performances of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". Figures: either way, you're not getting in, and we're not sure you'd want to. In a (cryptographically hardened) nutshell: Microsoft's Palladium will be an area of your future PC, fenced off and unreadable except for trusted software. "Untrusted" apps won't have have access. And how does code gain Palladium's trust? By having you, the PC owner, sanction its entry? Oh no. *You're* untrustworthy - you might sign in your dodgy CD and DVD ripping programs. No, this area will only be for software sanctioned by Microsoft and their paying friends - Hollywood-approved media players, for instance. No backstage pass for you at this Palladium, even though you own the damn theatre. As Ross Anderson points out in his FAQ, "Palladium" is just Microsoft's fancy name for the old "Trusted PC" initiative. And the only reason why they need to trust the PC is: they don't trust its owner. Remember that when the hard sell begins: the only person Palladium protects your computer from - is you. http://www.msnbc.com/news/770511.asp - Levy ensuring that RMS *stays* "the Last Hacker" http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/users/rja14/tcpa-faq.html - Ross Anderson, Cassandra to this tale http://www.extremetech.com/article2/0,3973,274309,00.asp - hold on: this project is headed by someone called Juarez? http://www.alt2600.com/faqs/ - is that some kind of joke? Still, there are places where "security through obscurity" is the only way to go, as shown by this week's clueless coverage of the radio enthusiasts "putting Royals at risk" by posting Special Branch frequencies and callsigns to the likes of alt.radio.scanner.uk. The obvious "don't shoot the messenger" arguments are left as an exercise for the reader: Might terrorists have somehow stumbled onto such fiendish signals-intelligence tactics already? And if publicising the availability of this info does constitute such a huge security risk, then why is the BBC blabbing to all and sundry? Beyond reproach, of course, are those who continue to use unencrypted channels for potentially sensitive traffic - after all, the only time they've had to react to this terrifying high-tech development has been since the last big news scare on the subject: ooh, only about 6 years ago. http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=3195BD23.6357%40iquest.net - and you can search Google groups for "Paul Wey" yourself http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/newsid_2064000/2064388.stm - those "Enigma" movies and TV shows just give them ideas So how come Rusty off of Kuro5hin can garner $35,000 in a few days, but OPEN PROJECTS founder Rob "lilo" Levin is still struggling to get a measly $12,000 from the users of that IRC network - even after sending repeated network-wide requests to pay up? Well, we can't speak for Rusty's success, but one top tip for Rob might be: try not to throw *all* your potential contributors out before you hit your totals. Following criticism of lilo's begging tactics, both #slashdot and #brits channels were killed by the touchy IRCop. They've now moved en masse to new servers (#slash to irc.oublinet.net, #brits to the fledgling irc.oftc.net network), and as Australia threatens to delink, and the parodies gather, it looks like OPN has a full scale rebellion on its hands. Sure hope some of that twelve grand went on a clone army... http://lilo.sargasso.net/ - although we guess bots could do at a push http://liloaid.ecce.co.uk/ - this is the kind of mickey-taking that gets you k-lined http://crackmonkey.org/pipermail/crackmonkey/2001q1/017271.html - the status, as ever >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious yeah, thanks kids: http://www.globalchild.org/99pics/Gable.jpg (after all http://www.globalchild.org/ has done for you)... this week's increasingly Freudian PUERILE GOOGLE MISSPELLINGS: http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=disocunt , "satandard", and http://www.google.com/search?q=unsaved%3A%2F%2F%2Fnewpage2 ... "a courtier once tried to take away her bottle of Gordon's - she ate his liver with some fava beans and a gin and tonic": http://www.ntk.net/2002/06/28/dohbowes-lecter.jpg ... http://europa.eu.int/BFM/consultation/index.cfm?fuseaction=form&id_form=204 options include age group "Unknown", gender "Don't know"... it's a totally new ultra-topical WIDDECOMBE OF THE WEEK: http://www.celebmatch.com/birthdayform.php?categoryid=1448&celebrity=R%20Kelly ... just oozing QUALITY: http://www.qualitysolutions.co.uk/ ... c'mon, Nick: http://www.vitalfusion.co.uk/community/ ... somehow we think WORLDCOM's trial is going to last a little longer than that: http://www.ntk.net/2002/06/28/dohwo.gif ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful Something of an XCOM reunion at next week's DORKBOT LONDON (from around 7pm, Wed 2002-07-03, State 51, near Brick Lane, London E2, free), with wearable Spectrum guy JAMES LARSSON sharing his extensive retro-tech experience, and former UK linuxchick SARAH EWEN presenting her "PlayStation Haikus": Yes. The DUALSHOCKŪ2 for the source code is analog controllers can owned by many different be used by Linux organizations compatible with computer monitors that support "sync on green" plus a hopefully less truncated performance from the DORKBOT 12V ORCHESTRA - "bring an electrical/electronic noisemaker for an ad-hoc jam session at the end". Immediately afterwards, the PS2/Linux gang whizz down to Bristol for the UKUUG LINUX DEVELOPERS' CONFERENCE AND EXHIBITION (from 9am, Thu 2002-07- 04, University of Bristol, "Exhibition" area free to the public on Fri pm and all day Saturday). Here, organiser Alasdair "There can be only one" Kergon promises a head-to- head face-off between 2.4 kernel maintainer MARCELO TOSATTI (aka http://www.marcelothewonderpenguin.com/ ) and The Hurd's MARCUS BRINKMANN, plus Security Networks AG's NILS MAGNUS revealing the "top programs he'd put on his hard disk for attacking Linux systems from a desert island". http://dorkbot.org/dorkbotlondon/ - (those aren't the real haikus; we just made them up) http://www.ukuug.org/events/linux2002/ - this "ironic media sponsor" lark's turned out quite well http://www.symphony.vdb.pl/menu.php - also from Wed: "demo extremists gathering", in Poland >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering CHRONIC LOGIC, makers of that Monster Truck Rally of long span bridge design, Pontifex [see NTK 2001-10-19], have crashed slowly and unstoppably into the world of Tetris. TRIPTYCH is Tetris with CL's trademark crumbly physics. Columns collapse under their own weight, L-shapes can be used to punt pieces out of the way, and when you're losing you can desperately try and squeeze down the pile like an overflowing wastepaper basket under your hobnailed boot. It's Carmageddon on blocks. The gameplay isn't quite as good as the spectator appeal, and those mean chroniclogicians are still restricting the full version to people with $14.95. But it's for Mac 9, Windows, and Intel Linux, so it's not like they'll turn your money away. http://www.chroniclogic.com/noflash/ - except for you, Amiga boy http://www.chroniclogic.com/noflash/triptych/screen.html - screenshots look like some April Fools' joke http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02001-10-19&l=160#l - all fall down >> MEMEPOOL << ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ still beating ZDNET to the hottest new corporate anthems: http://www.ntk.net/2002/06/28/hpparty.mp3 ... humbled by recent brush with death, WINER wonders what it's all worth: http://scriptingnews.userland.com/backissues/2002/06/25#When:6:39:32AM inevitably: http://www.antisigma.com/baby/ ... World's Funniest IRC: http://www.geekissues.org/quotes/?top ... GOOGLE SEES ALL: http://labs.google.com/sets?q1=enron&q2=worldcom ... Hunter S Thompson - everything Harlan Ellison wants to be and so much more: http://www.gonzo.org/pix/HunterDuped.jpg ... "use strict": http://www.raverporn.net/tour/images/sample48.jpg ... http://aolwatch.org/landers.htm - so perish the lame urban myth perpetuators... BBC interviewer imitates ALAN PARTRIDGE: http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/video/38097000/rm/_38097140_kournikova56k_vi.ram - could have asked if she'd like to become a digitised sportscasting avatar called "AnnaKournikovaNova"... >> GEEK MEDIA << oops, missed last week's http://www.tvgohome.com/ TV>> BBC Choice hosts Adam and Joe wheel out their hilarious "John Peel/ Jo Whiley" characters for the BBC2 coverage of GLASTONBURY 2002 (from 7.30pm, BBC Choice; 11.35pm, BBC2, Fri- Sun)... aptly enough, GROUNDHOG DAY (2am, Fri, ITV) gets a second showing since last being on ITV about 6 weeks ago... and Sly Stallone accidentally drops a woman down a canyon and gets chased around in the snow by the round-faced man from "Third Rock From The Sun" in CLIFFHANGER (9.30pm, Sat, BBC1): http://www.tvgohome.com/2209-2000.html ... it's Ice Cube, Jennifer Connelly and Kristy Swanson - together at last! - in John "Boyz N the Hood" Singleton's college-issue drama HIGHER LEARNING (1.40am, Sat, C4)... Charlotte Uhlenbroek goes beyond humanity's more immediate ancestors in TALKING WITH ANIMALS (8pm, Sun, BBC1) - once again with a slight but perceptible emphasis on how this might enable you to have sex with them... while C5 showcases its more proactive approach to interspecies communication with its near-annual showing of GREMLINS (9pm, Sun, C5)... on digital, it's cute-haircuts season-one episodes of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER every weekday (6pm, Mon-Fri, Sky1)... the Sci-Fi Channel skips over the prophetic pilot episode of X-Files spinoff THE LONE GUNMEN (9pm, Mon, Sci-Fi): http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?channelid=73&contentid=301 ... but BBC Choice picks up Denis Leary's acclaimed "Homicide: Life On The Street"-style cop comedy THE JOB (10.30pm, Tue; 11.30pm, Wed, BBC Choice)... Anthony Hopkins acquires A TASTE FOR HANNIBAL (10.35pm, Wed, BBC1) before joining the Matthew Broderick/ Bridget Fonda/ Lara Flynn Boyle health-spa frolics THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE (11.35pm, Wed, BBC1)... Steve McQueen stars in a feature-length contextualisation of the popular Ford ad, BULLITT (9pm, Thu, C5)... and C4 follows THE REAL COUNTRY HOUSE (8.30pm, Thu, C4) with the similarly titled THE HOUSE OF WAR (9pm, Thu, C4), in which members of the public and journalists reconstruct the roles of Taliban prisoners trying to take over the fort of Qala-i-Jangi... FILM>> so it's basically similar to the arty 1970s original, except there's now an extra "what happened next" ending, the action scenes aren't as good, and all the players wear comedy helmets in John McTiernan's somewhat disappointing ROLLERBALL ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rollerball.htm : male/ female fighting; [Rebecca "X-Men" Romijn-Stamos] placing [Chris Klein]'s face on her nude chest; mob rule with destruction, twice; driving without consideration of the safety and property of others)... making this week's surprise recommendation Sandra Bullock and Ben "Game On" Chaplin versus a couple of teenage dirtbag Iron Maiden fans in uneven but interesting "Silence Of The Lambs"-lite MURDER BY NUMBERS ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/murder_by_numbers.html : [Chaplin] runs his hand along [Bullock's] clothed breast and tries to run it up under her shirt; it's possible some kids could be enticed to attempt to commit and try to get away with a "perfect" murder)... "Ben Chaplin Week" continues when he goofily orders Russian mail order bride Nicole Kidman off the internet in mildly unsavoury St Albans-set caper BIRTHDAY GIRL ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Birthday+Girl : Nicole once again shows us her tight little bum, though it's not quite as good as her work in Eyes Wide Shut. The scene is a little too quick to be thoroughly enjoyed in the movie theater)... otherwise it seems to be another week for dumping US flops like Frankie "Malcolm In The Middle" Muniz's ill- judged "Home Alone"/"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" hybrid BIG FAT LIAR ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/bigfatliar.htm : conspiracy to commit deceit against fair authority; invitation to a 14 year old girl to spend the weekend with a 14 year old boy with no parents; offer of cigar to a child)... Martin Lawrence con-fest WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? ( www.screenit.com/movies/2001/what's_the_worst_that_could_happen.html : Some kids may want to imitate all of the goofy stuff that [Lawrence] does, including dancing around with his butt sticking out; [William "Black Hawk Down" Fichtner] acts like a flamboyant fop)... Peter "2010" Hyams' long-unawaited wirework kung-fu period piece THE MUSKETEER (imdb: based-on-novel/ sword-fight/ throat-slitting)... or the pioneeringly transgressive campus gross-out NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/national_lampoon's_van_wilder.html : [Tara Reid] shows some cleavage; consumption of dog semen in pastries, farting, gastrointestinal distress and release, [...] projectile vomiting)... BONERS: CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, AND "INCORRECTLY REGARDED AS GOOFS">> well, at least BRUCE STERLING got last week's gag about "Jean de Florette II: Die Jean de Florette Die" - "oh ha haha HA ha ha ha, <cough>, ha ha", he mailed (even though - spoiler warning - Jean de Florette is technically dead in the sequel, we maintain that the joke *is* justified because the second film is still about the circumstances surrounding his demise. Hey, check them out for yourself: both films remain masterpieces of contemporary world cinema. And also, because they're in French, you can fast forward through all the slow bits and still follow what's going on from the subtitles)... other than that, just a few things to clear up about this month's now-almost dreamlike Extreme Computing extravaganza: "Sadly, it is not my fate that I be in the UK at that time," yearned reader NATHAN PARRISH, inquiring if we were "aware of a NTK-ish sort of thing in the Bay Area, that might sponsor similar events?" Dude, the whole reason we put this on in London was because we felt it was the sort of emerging- technologies entertainment you West Coast guys were having *all the time*... "Err, not quite right", muttered ED COURTENAY, of our (numerous) claims that Nigel Alderton was the original author of Chuckie Egg. "IIRC, Chuckie Egg was originally written for the BBC Micro by Mike Elson, published by A&F Software in 1983 and later ported to the Spectrum by Nigel", he counterclaims. Wah-wah oops, Ed - according to A&F Software's Doug Anderson (speaking in the Easter 2002 edition of the famously authoritative "Edge" magazine): "It was actually an external guy called Nigel Alderton who came to us with a Spectrum game he'd done called Eggy Kong" - which, incidentally, we still think is a better name for it... and finally, apologies to STEFAN MAGDALINSKI, who attended the event in the hope of seeing "an onstage rerun of Danny having a fight with all his ex-girlfriends, like at [1999's NTK LIVE #3: http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=01999-10-08&l=125#l ]". But this time, Stef suggested, "with gambling. I want a fiver on Quinn this time". Reader, she married him... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "UK's top YAHOO SERIOUS lookalike maintains 'boy inventor' reputation" http://www.blackbeltjones.com/warchalking/ NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail email@example.com Subscribe? Mail firstname.lastname@example.org NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/ (K) 2002 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to email@example.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to firstname.lastname@example.org Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.