_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2002-09-27_ o join! mail an empty message to
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "To cut real estate costs, Sun has embarked on its "iWork"
programme, under which several employees share the same
... as opposed to having one engineer per building, as now
>> HARD NEWS <<
To be honest, we could probably have guessed who was behind
spoof "concerned parents" site THINKOFTHECHILDREN.CO.UK, shut
down this week for allegedly "inciting mob violence". It's a
familar M.O.: the heavy-handed satirical sideswipes, the
cultivated sense of moral outrage, the studious collecting of
email addresses. (No, not us, you idiots. Well, not this
time.) Oh, and the fact that he mailed us saying he doesn't
want people to think he just set it up as PR for another site
that he does. Well, as readers of METAFILTER pointed out, if
you don't want people to jump to that conclusion, it might be
best to avoid putting a link to it in the source to your popup
window. And maybe try using different nameservers in the whois
- of course it always has been "censored" for Netscape users...
- ...due to missing thinkofthechildren.co.uk/style.css
[ UPDATE: NTK would like to clarify that we do not believe - as
may have been implied by other sites - that the takedown of
www.thinkofthechildren.co.uk was faked or some sort of PR
"stunt". We have no reason to disbelieve their own account of
it: http://www.thinkofthechildren.co.uk/metfax.shtml , given
some ISPs' enthusiasm for pulling pages nowadays. Plus, we've
been asked to point out that the site is "entirely unconnected"
with email newsletter THE FRIDAY THING, and is a personal
project of one of its editors, hence the similar mailing
list and web hosting setups. We still think that individuals
hoping to enlist public sympathy in cases like these should be
more forthcoming in disclosing potentially relevant info - but
hey, memo to self: check AUP before posting from work account.
- back again now. And good luck to 'em! ]
Last week's emergency conference motion on the EUCD was
bounced on procedural grounds. Apparently it's not a real
emergency, because the directive itself has been around for
a year, and hey, you've got to October 31st to stop it in
its tracks, right? Should have known. "You're barking up the
wrong tree if you expect an advanced knowledge of today's
networking environment from the LibDems", warned one
disloyal party member earlier in the week. He goes on to
quote the party's subscription renewal form, which talks of
"developments in email" which, it exclusively predicts, are
"bound to bring us opportunities for faster communication in
future". Fortunately, this heady futurism is tempered with
more cautious steps. "We want the Liberal Democrats to be
ready to these opportunities when they arrive, so if you
have an email address we would like to know what it is... If
you don't have email - don't worry. The complete electronic
revolution is still some way off!" And accelerating further
into the distance every day, it'd appear.
- oh, and they have a cix.co.uk sub address. jesus.
- still, the fight goes on
- unless it's postponed. watch site for details!
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
not the company you'd expect to have forgotten: http://www.netsol.co.uk
... BASHER i know, but what's that other kid called again?
while we await the first unfortunate Google News ad juxtaposition:
http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/dohstairs.jpg ... PR screenshot of EARTH
AND BEYOND boasts "this game is sucking cuz the lagg is viciouse":
... more sensible than hiding on Tatooine; from the French
telephone book: http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/dohfrance.png ...
http://www.google.com/search?q=incestigate ... "See larger photo" is
the new "smaller" http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000056MYN/
... subtleties of voting still eluding the FASHION WORLD:
http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/dohvote.png ... and, trying to
broaden PUERILE SEARCH REQUESTS just a little further afield:
vs http://www.google.com/search?q=%22irritable+bowl%22 ...
meanwhile, the BLUE SCREEN OF PUBLIC DEATH returns to Reuters Building,
Times Square, NYC: http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/dohreuters.jpg >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Sure, we may not have the likes of THE LULU TECH CIRCUS here
in the UK (all weekend, from noon today, Fri 2002-09-27, North
Carolina State Fairgrounds, Raleigh NC, $20 admission). Thomas
Dolby, Peter Gabriel, and now: Lulu - just what is it with
those 20th century popstars reinventing themselves as new
media gurus? Undeterred, NTK reader MARK ESPINER - and his
brother Tom - have created perhaps the ultimate in sensory
deprivation theatre with their pitch-dark audio-only semi-live
performance THE WATERY PART OF THE WORLD (9pm, next Fri and
Sat 2002-10-04/05; 7pm, Sun 2002-10-06, Battersea Arts Centre,
London SW11, UKP4.75) - an hour-long surround-sound odyssey
based on stories of the original subwoofer himself, Herman
Melville's Moby Dick.
- see the amazing bearded programmer!
- apparently features "actors on strings"
- on Sun: coalition of sans-serif users march in Hyde Park
- in London tonight: reclaim the beach!
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
Sangamon's Principle, as applied to code length, image size,
morality and utility this week. Duncan "CODEBUNNY" Martin
wrote in response to last issue's "George W. Bush made out
of tiny Jesus Christies" ebay auction, and, though he
couldn't manage the Bill Clinton made of porn we were after,
did provide this giant Jesus Christ made out of tiny George
W. Bushes: http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/jesus_small.jpg -
8MB version at http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/27/jesus_large.jpg
. But, what are we, eskimo fish-givers? No, because Mr
Martin also reveals code and overly detailed instructions
on how to build your own image mosaic from the libraries of
religious, political or meretricious iconography. Unixen only.
- oh, and you need ImageMagick. And pr0n.
... while if you're bored of rendering images, and would
like to render text - in the sense of boiling down
excessively in order to remove all impurities - can we
self-destructively recommend Modesty's NTK DEMORALISER? This
purges NTK of everything but the good bits, aka the links,
and then, in some ASCII-mediated cultural revolution, allows
the great unwashed to add their own comments instead. You
know, this is *exactly* the kind of cultural
re-appropriation that gives you people a bad name.
- you still here?
- and you can stop that as well
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ now BUMFIGHTS are illegal, make do with bootleg copies of
dweebfights http://www.whiterose.net/~maximan/cockygit.mpeg ... or
... spot the odd-product-out: http://www.ippulse.com/ ... bush
out! http://www.masturbateforpeace.com/ ... those bloody benders:
http://images.google.com/images?q=bender ... E.T. sells off old
vs http://www.geocities.com/heartland/3450 ... BBC oggs say goodbye
to KINGSWOOD WARREN: http://www.kano.org.uk/pics/croaky/ ... cool
new way to start e-mails: http://www.google.com/search?q=glacierhi
... BOB FORWARD goes gets untethered ... when will "pigopolists vs
stuckists fight for desktop gwana-gwana" articles come with glossary?
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/7/27206.html ... pay per view:
http://www.knoxnews.com/kns/local_news/article/0,1406,KNS_347_1438232,00.html >> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> time once again for ITV's annual showing of good-natured
Jim Carrey lawyer romp LIAR LIAR (9pm, Fri, ITV) - last shown
September 22nd, 2001... the BBC has similar problems shaking
off Steven Spielberg's truck-chase classic DUEL (11.25pm, Sat,
BBC1)... and DRAGON POWER: JACKIE CHAN (11.25pm, Sat, C4)
tells the story of the regularly injured comedy-action hero,
followed by one of his most endearingly awful efforts, the
clearly filmed-in-Vancouver RUMBLE IN THE BRONX (10pm, Sun,
C4)... presumably they've hired James Cameron to provide
special effects if Peter Snow and Kate Humble can't see
anything from the submersibles in THE ABYSS: LIVE (2.55pm,
7pm, 11pm, Sun, BBC1) - hopefully uncovering something as
surprising as Julia Ormond psychic eskimo adventure SMILLA'S
SENSE OF SNOW (11pm, Sun, BBC2)... while "moral ambiguity" is
the unique selling point of new C5 import THE SHIELD (10pm,
Sun, C5) - what *will* those cop-show makers think of next?...
everyone seems to be raving about another series of THE OFFICE
(10pm, Mon, BBC2), but it's hardly I'M ALAN PARTRIDGE
(11.20pm, Mon, BBC2)... sources estimate approximately 8
seconds of Kim "Sex In The City" Cattrall nudity in archetypal
teen smut PORKY'S (11.05pm, Mon, C4)... the nightmare of
narcolepsy is tackled in sensitively titled documentary NAP
ATTACK (9pm, Tue, BBC1)... and the deteriorating quality of
the sequels is highlighted by a showing of the still-matchless
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (10pm, Tue, C5)... The Money Programme
appears to have ditched any mention of boring old "Money" in
the title, and just lists snappier episode names like SNACK
ATTACK (7.30pm, Wed, BBC2)... as ever, wouldn't it be more
interesting to see FAKING IT (9pm, Wed, C4) transform a drag
queen into a naval officer?... and whether heavy.com are
involved or not, merely the use of the phrase the "inner city
intelligentsia" should tip you off that it might be a bit of a
Nathan Barley-fest over on HEAVY TV (12.15am, Thu, C4)...
FILM>> perhaps not the "Dune"-universe spinoff you'd been
hoping for in oestrogen-heavy Sandra Bullock ensemble drama
DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD ( http://www.cndb.com/ :
This lace panel slips down over Ashley Judd's left breast and
you can see [her] nipple. It is poorly lit and rather quick)
... no-one seems to forsee a wide release for Japanese "my
transplants can see dead people" philosophical frightener THE
EYE ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Contains sustained moderate
horror and brief strobing effect)... and, despite our prior
claims that it was released three months ago, Tara Reid gross-
fest "National Lampoon's Van Wilder" now appears to be
capitalising on the party conference fever currently sweeping
the UK, with the equally uninformative Australian title, VAN
WILDER: PARTY LIASON ( http://www.cndb.com/ : Apparently, some
dog testicle shots were the only thing edited out of the
"unrated" [DVD] version of this movie)...
DRESS DOWN FRIDAY>> yes, almost implying that we're still
working through an enormous backlog of high-quality entries,
we're pleased to announce that this month's "Design Your Own
Merchandise" winner is ANDY MCFARLAND's slogan "I Spend All
Day Bitching About You On IRC Channels You Can't See",
originally featured in this column last May. We trust you'll
find it worth the wait - Andy receives UKP2.00 from the sale
of each shirt via http://www.ntkmart.com/ - where you can also
find the new glow-in-the-dark version of the classic "Elite"
design, plus amazing never-to-be-repeated offers like the last
few "Extreme Computing" and grey "Adminspotting" shirts for as
little as US$10 each (approximately 6 of your earth pounds).
We are currently reprinting the startlingly popular "404
/shirt/tie not found" design, whose originator CAMILO MESIAS
reassuringly reports that he puts his royalties towards
"wireless cards" and "work on open source software"... best of
the rest this month has to be DUNCAN MARTIN's bumper batch of
obscure-tech humour at http://www.cs.nott.ac.uk/~djm/ntk/ ,
featuring the Ben Franklin paraphrase "Those that can give up
general purpose computers for the sake of a little eye candy
deserve neither computers nor eye candy", plus "his and hers"
pinout diagrams for your dad's favourite microprocessors, the
Z80 and 6502. Other entries continue to baffle and amuse in
equal measure, including an curious new trend of slogans - DAN
MCMAHON'S "w00tilicious", RONAN WAIDE's "You don't have to
access my ttys to console me" - perhaps over-optimistically
intended for "geek girls", a demographic which currently
constitutes a full 3-5% of the store's total turnover... it's
been a bit quiet in "Buy One, Subvert The Mass Media, Get One
Free" http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/images/ recently, with
faxyourmp cyber-activist JAMES CRONIN hinting that Newsnight
wouldn't let him wear his "They Stole Our Revolution" design,
though he reckons he might have got away with "the more subtle
Elite one". No such worries, however, in the rulebook for Eden
Studio's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ROLEPLAYING GAME
http://www.btvsrpg.com/6000.htm wherein, BILL HUMPHRIES notes,
the "hacker/technopagan" sample character is wearing some
sort of NTK logo, possibly the very "Revolution" shirt which
Newsnight had a problem with. A free shirt to the first
person to send us a scan; and another one if you happen to
be the artist and you're not jeopardising your future
RPG-illustrating career by telling us about it...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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