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        "It should be easy for users to specify appropriate use of their
         information including controlling the use of e-mail they send..."
                                        - Gates "leaks" security "plans"
                              ( http://www.komotv.com/stories/16351.htm )
        ...we're currently testing our e-mail control enforcement system,
             so please forward this test message to all your friends and
                I'll personally give you $1000 and a trip to DisneyWorld...


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                             within their purviews

         RAISE DEFENCES TO DEFCON ONE OR THREE! By dint of the jittery
         and overblown last few months in the cybersecurity arena,
         anti-virus anti-hype curmudgeon Rob "Billy Bob" Rosenberger
         has singlehandedly revived his COMPUTER VIRUS HYSTERIA AWARDS
         for a calming 2002 outing. His vmyth crowd (themselves
         hoping to snatch the "Most Ingeniously Repetitious Use of the
         Phrase 'Exudes Hysteria'" crown) have a rack of awards to
         humiliate those who tried to trick the world into unnecessary
         panic attacks, to which they naturally request NTK
         subscribers' expert nominations, votes, and clarifications.
         The call for nominations will continue throughout the year,
         with a tally at the end. Despite the catchy name, the subject
         matter, Rob says, can be any computer security fracas you
         wish. And remember: if you don't vote, then the terrorists
         will already have won. And God knows what use they'd put
         a prepaid phonecard to.
         http://vmyths.com/resource.cfm?id=73&page=1
                                  - yet another poorly planned CIA trap

         It's already been a great month for the BBC's department of
         literal illustration, with many of you submitting the spartan
         "Rusty Iron Gates Locked With Padlock And Chain", for the
         caption "Experts are looking for better ways to lock data up":
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1723000/1723171.stm
         - a deliberate echo of their earlier "broken chains" motif?:
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_852000/852866.stm
         - and culminating in the spooky overkill of "Will broadband get
         the green light?" (or a whole load of them, for that matter?):
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1755000/1755343.stm .
         Yet our favourites remain their treasured forays into genuine
         surrealism - the haunting "I Have No Face, And I Must Teach":
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/education/newsid_1759000/1759870.stm ,
         plus the story which, if we didn't know better, we'd suspect
         had been run purely to use up some time-restricted clip art -
         from reader Phil Marley, it's a vacuum cleaner, it's a newt,
         it's this year's weirdest BBC illustration so far. Ladies and
         gentlemen, we proudly present: "VACUUM CLEANER SUCKS UP NEWT".
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/england/newsid_1755000/1755107.stm
                    - reassuring readers that "no newts were harmed"...
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohdewar.gif
            - Guardian, meanwhile, has Roy Hudd re-burying Donald Dewar


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         "1.72 Unique Users" boasts DOTMUSIC marketing .sig ... lest
         you "forget": http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohalz.gif ,
         http://image.linkexchange.com/01/43/36/95/banner.gif ... maths
         whiz DR KEYBOARD once read "by around 1,000,000 million people
         per week": http://www.drkeyboard.com/words/about.htm ... when
         will the public tire of all these "fickle job market" ads?:
         http://www.reed.co.uk/cgi-bin/jobdetails.asp?jobid=1078161 ,
http://www.totaljobs.com/jobseekers/details.asp?Action=Detail&JobID=6725468
         ... making an "iguana salad"? check out our great deals on
         FETAL PIGS! http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohpig.gif ... giant
         wormlike insect offspring wrecks town, reports TIMES headline:
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohlarv.gif ... ARNIE's
         Science/Factual debut: http://qwer.org/arniedocumentary.html
         ... "FOR BEST VIEIWNG RESULTS PLEASE close window" advises:
         http://www.vietnampix.com/timeline.htm ... not the impression
         of "creativity, innovation and quality" the FOREIGN OFFICE
         were hoping for: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohfco.gif ...
         GUARDIAN implies sell-out of "rock bank [sic] Chumbawumba":
     http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493,634003,00.html
         ... SHAKIN' STEVENS "fully cop-operative", alleges BBC Wales:
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/wales/newsid_1763000/1763284.stm
         ... not even YAHOO can find their old ADAM ANT records any more:
     http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20020113/re/people_ant_dc_1.html ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         To be honest, there's not that much to add about the 2002
         SYMPOSIUM: MARS ON EARTH: LIFE ON MARS (from 9am, Sat 2002-01-
         19, UKP20 + concessions) - though the National Hockey Stadium
         Conference Centre, out on the windswept dunes of Milton
         Keynes, is surely the ideal venue to discuss terraforming a
         futuristic habitation in an unforgivingly alien environment.
         (Did you see what we did there? Milton Keynes, Mars - oh never
         mind.) Further cutting-edge topical humour will no doubt form
         the backbone of SATIRE WEEK (from Mon 2002-01-21, Greenwich
         Theatre, London SE10, events priced individually), with
         intermittently unamusing social commentators Jeremy Hardy and
         Rory Bremner, a handy libel workshop on Friday afternoon and,
         kicking the whole thing off on Monday evening, The Institute
         of Ideas-sponsored debate "The Future of Satire - Safe and
         Smug or Edgy and Offensive?", featuring some guy from "yes we
         *are* still going" tabloid digest http://www.anorak.co.uk/ and
         occasional NTK reader Stewart "Lee and Herring" Lee, who we
         hope will be punctuating the proceedings with his arch goatee-
         stroking catchphrase: "Ah, yes - do you see?"
     http://www.marssociety.org.uk/sections.php?op=viewarticle&artid=61
                      - guest of honour: Carrie Anne "Red Planet" Moss?
         http://www.greenwichtheatre.org.uk/pages/WhatsOn.html
               - plus: "Spitting Image: was it ever actually any good?"
         http://www.instituteofideas.com/events/current.htm
           - but don't mention the website that saved satire, The Onion
         http://www.atei.co.uk/ate/
                    - further "Amusements" from next Tue ("trade only")


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         So what's Andy "MacOS" Hertzfield been doing with himself
         since Eazel imploded last year? This week he submitted a
         nifty addition to the ongoing NAUTILUS codebase which may
         provide some clue. It's a gnome-vfs module to browse Usenet
         binaries (images, and MP3s) as directory trees. Multi-part
         postings are collated into single files or directories,
         depending on content, and with the latest Nautilus, you can
         preview pictures and music on-the-fly. It's still a bit
         flaky, and like any GNOME code, you'll need to burn in hell
         for several hours to get it to compile, but it's a nice
         hack. And when people post code to simplify browsing Usenet
         binaries, you know *exactly* what they've been doing with
         themselves...
http://lists.eazel.com/pipermail/nautilus-list/2002-January/006817.html
- why, checking out those bootleg mp3s and Star Wars posters, of course!


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         pedestrian equivalent of speed-camera spotting for New York:
         http://www.appliedautonomy.com/isee/info.html .... I will HUNT
         YOU DOWN, Doc-tor!: http://www.shcarter.freeserve.co.uk/ ...
         free TOTAL FILM mag when you go to the cinema - while stocks
         last: http://www.warnervillage.co.uk/newyear/voucher.html ...
         http://www.amibiosornot.com/ ... life imitates 1980s ACTION
         MAN accessories: http://www.solotrek.com/mjet/index1.html ...
         damn, that World Wrestling Federation has a lot to answer for:
         http://www.theage.com.au/sport/2002/01/12/FFXFMCIUAWC.html ...
         if thieves now target mobile phones, won't that be a bigger
         problem with the pricier SEGWAY - or are they fast enough to
         outrun a mugger?... this week's HARRY POTTER lookalike:
         http://www.nwfusion.com/power01/50most/LinusTorvaldsLinux.gif
         (from http://www.nwfusion.com/power01/50most/thinkers.html )
         ... email-filter-triggering pseudo-Widdecombe-of-the-week:
         http://www.dvla-som.co.uk/cgi-bin/generate.pl?FUCK%201T ...
         apparently even NATHAN BARLEY has a girlfriend these days:
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000088K0/ ... for
         all those wimps who don't know what an overclocked heatsink
         is for: http://www.hardwareoc.com/usbmod1.php ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> Patrick Swayze and Meat Loaf play rival truckers in
         poorly-disguised exploding vehicles videogame BLACK DOG
         (11.05pm, Fri, BBC1)... it's near-non-stop juvenile sci-
         fantasy on Saturday, starting with Disney's original THE CAT
         FROM OUTER SPACE (9pm, Sat, BBC2) and WW2 bunny allegory
         WATERSHIP DOWN (11.50pm, Sat, BBC2)... a 1960s English village
         is invaded by oriental-looking alien women in INVASION
         (1.25am, Sat, C4) - part-inspiration for the Dr Who story
         "Spearhead From Space" ... while SPECIES II (11.45pm, Sat,
         ITV) is still summed up best by the classic imdb user plot
         summary: "When [the astronaut] gets back to Earth all he has
         on his mind is to have sex with [Natasha] Henstridge!"... some
         interesting counterscheduling on Sunday, with C4 pitching the
         always-entertaining man-weepie JERRY MAGUIRE (9.30pm, Sun, C4)
         and C5 trotting out "they only moved the headstones" favourite
         POLTERGEIST (9pm, Sun, C5) against the first of this month's
         dramatisations of BLOODY SUNDAY (10pm, Sun, ITV) - which is
         apparently like "Black Hawk Down" or something, but set in
         Northern Ireland!... Danny DeVito's Dead White Poets Society
         remake RENAISSANCE MAN (10.55pm, Sun, BBC1) is more fun than
         it sounds... insane actor-fest actioner FACE/OFF (9pm, Tue,
         C5) remains the highlight of John Woo's and Nic Cage's careers
         so far... BEST INVENTIONS (7.30pm, Wed, BBC1) struggles to
         find that ever-elusive gadget that anyone might have any use
         for, ever... and TO KILL AND KILL AGAIN (10.20pm, Wed, ITV)
         pioneeringly investigates the case of that little-known serial
         killer, Jack the Ripper... new US import ALIAS (9pm, Wed,
         Sky1) is basically "Buffy" with spies... INDIANA JONES AND THE
         LAST CRUSADE (8pm, Thu, BBC1) might be an improvement on
         "Temple Of Doom", but that doesn't make it any good... and
         HORIZON (9pm, Thu, BBC2) comes up with an intriguing new angle
         on why people get fat: could it be too much food?...

         FILM>> it's like Ridley Scott decided to remake "Aliens", but
         misheard "some aliens" as "Somalians" - perhaps predictably,
         carnage ensues in brutal pro-humanitarian heli propaganda
         BLACK HAWK DOWN ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : contains frequent
         strong battle horror) - not based around the 2000AD & Tornado
         Nubian galley slave of the same name, and not the "Watership
         Down" sequel you'd maybe expected... it looks like that guy
         who plays Frodo on the poster, but it's actually Kate Winslet
         playing Young Iris "Howling Mad" Murdoch in harrowing senile
         dementia Oscar fodder IRIS ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : contains
         infrequent strong language and moderate sex)... or, probably
         the least scary of the lot, teen ouija-board Brit fright-fest
         LONG TIME DEAD (poster quote: "Makes 'Jeepers Creepers' look
         like 'The Tweenies'" - though wouldn't making "The Tweenies"
         look like "Jeepers Creepers" be a bit more impressive?)...

         CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, "BONERS", AND INCORRECTLY
         REGARDED AS GOOFS>> yes, well done to everyone who wrote in
         pointing out "There is a 'D' in Guildford!" [NTK 2001-11-30],
         or that the image filename gives "Venus" (the Roman goddess of
         love) while the competition specifically asks for the Greek
         one at: http://www.adobe.co.uk/special/illustratorcomp/ [NTK
         2001-12-07]. But proof-reading wizard DAVID BLANE was first to
         spot last week's freakish substitution of "oncogeny" for
         "ontogeny" (that's what happens when you use Google as a
         spellcheck), and THE DODGER correctly diagnosed that we "must
         have" meant troubled US power giant ENRON when we referred to
         ENCOM back in NTK 2001-11-30, which is of course the evil
         software company from the movie "Tron"... on the other hand,
         we felt entirely justified in referring to Edinburgh's current
         Studio Ghibli season as "manga movies", despite DR DTHP's
         purist protests that "1) AFAIK, none of these movies are
         released by Manga Entertainment Co, and 2) The site describes
         movies, but doesn't say anything about displaying or selling
         manga" - because, duh, "anime" sounds French, but "manga"
         sounds Japanese! JAMES CRONIN argued that Orange's "our
         internet speed has been upgraded to 2 MHz" cybercafe claim -
         http://www.orangestudio.co.uk/prices/ [NTK 2002-01-04] - is
         "actually technically correct", because "Hz is just s^-1, so
         that's 2 Million [bits] per second", but BEN MOOR took the
         pedantry prize for clarifying that "there *is* a Superboy [in
         DC continuity] right now, but he's kind of a clone and not the
         original Clark Kent growing up in Smallville. Came up during
         the 'Rise Of The Supermen' thing after Big Blue bought Krypton
         after getting a doomsday duffing". Thanks for clearing that
         up, Ben - though you didn't see fit to warn us that his mum in
         "Smallville" is, bizarrely, played by his girlfriend from
         "Superman III"?... an eager "edit-spotter" confirmed that
         earlier versions of SOTCAA's typically hit-and-miss parody
         http://web.ukonline.co.uk/sotcaa/19_xmasbook_brooker.html did
         originally end with the more confrontational "Legs Broken":
http://www.angelfire.com/super/sotcaabits/forums/corpsesdotvgohome.html ,
         WILHELM *RAFIAL* FITZPATRICK contended that NTK 2001-12-14's
       http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,617906,00.html vs
       http://www.theonion.com/onion3614/parker_brothers_monopoly.html
         is merely just another case of Life imitating The Onion -
         imitating Life again: http://www.antimonopoly.com/ , but the
         last word goes to COLIN MACDONALD who, after we pondered our
         coverage of the Sabrina The Teenage Witch fan fiction scene,
         made the unsubstantiated claim that "[Sabrina actress] Melissa
         Joan Hart can recite pi to about a jillion decimal places,
         plus she wore a Princess Leia slave girl outfit to a Halloween
         party", as if knowing these facts could possibly enhance
         anyone's viewing of a programme that, as far as we can see, is
         basically Harry Potter with breasts...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                   "creating a utopian society" (in Volume II)
           http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewnews.asp?AuthorID=3442


                                 NEED TO KNOW
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