_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2002-09-13_ o join! mail an empty message to
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "In some countries, you can tune the TV to 'text channels,'
which are like Web pages with background music. Each
displays news headlines, weather, sports scores, stock
prices, and -- the most useful one for me -- the latest
airline flight information."
- DAVID POGUE previews exciting new European technologies for Americans
... CEEFAX: catch the wave!
>> HARD NEWS <<
who's kidding who?
Silly season again, but instead of just running made-up press
releases masquerading as news stories, we at NTK like to run
Google searches masquerading as investigative journalism. Take
the 5 plucky Brits who changed their names to "Turok" to
promote ACCLAIM's new dinosaur shoot-em-up earlier this month.
Given Acclaim's claims that "more than 10,000 people" applied
for this honour, it's curious that a Google search on their
names reveals at least two of the chosen winners to be jobbing
actors. Of course, that could just be coincidence - except
that a search for DR SIMEON CANTRELL, the alleged mastermind
behind this groundbreakingly tedious marketing stunt, gets no
non-Turok-related hits at all, except that he shares certain
biographical details - including "a habit of challenging
conventional business ideas" - with one Dr Byron Sharp, also
of the Marketing Science Centre, Australia. But there can be
no doubt that the (now widely-quoted) Dr Cantrell actually
exists, because, as Acclaim emphasise, he has a book coming
out - "Market Their Pants Off!" - a tome which appears to have
the same ISBN number as "My First Knock Knock Joke Book".
- vs http://www.ugly.org/goberman_lheila2.html ,
- as "interviewed" by http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/2197292.stmhttp://www.marketingsciencecentre.com/people/b_sharp.html
- who's there
We've been told by shadowy figures in the rebellion to "lay
off the EUCD" this edition (but only because there'll be
bigger news next week). But in case you were getting too
depressed, go ahead cheer yourself up with the very first
government sponsored document to go against the crippling of
fair dealing rights in the UK: "developing countries, or
indeed other developed countries, should not follow the
example of the DMCA in forbidding all circumvention of
technological protection.", says the Commission on
Intellectual Property Rights. Of course, it's about the
effect of IP law on the third world and will therefore be
utterly ignored, but it's nice to have some ammunition.
- chapter five's a corker
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
that's the last time you mess around behind *Google*'s back:
http://labs.google.com/glossary?q=whore ... no wonder he's staring:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020911/80/d9eja.html ... unfortunate
banner ads, #38213 http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/13/dohriddance.png ...
can we swap it for ours? http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/13/dohsmart.png
... but what if Martha is kidnapping children for al Qaeda?
http://www.savemartha.com/ ... so that's where it ended up:
who's David? http://www.ntk.net/2002/09/13/dohbleentendre.jpg ...
Father Dougal, is that you? http://www.contentwatch.com/audit/ ...
last place you'd want flash: http://www.genevievenaturisme.com/english/ >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Pittsburgh, Amsterdam, London - Munich! "The Science of Perl"
is the theme of this year's YET ANOTHER PERL CONFERENCE::
EUROPE (from Wed, 2002-09-18, Technische Universitat Munchen,
Munich, Germany, EUR 89 registration fee, does not include
accommodation), featuring the likes of DAMIAN CONWAY talking
about "Extreme Perl", "Perl 6" and "Quantum::Superpositions"
(like he always seems to be - in this universe, anyway). But
don't book your flight back too early, because the Bavarian
capital is also playing host to the world's first WORLD
CHAMPIONSHIP IN EXTREME IRONING (from 6pm, Fri 2002-09-20,
Holzkirchen, near Munich, Germany, EUR 20), with "freestyle",
"urban", "water" and "forest" contests in this Brit-invented
sport which, we fear, is already having its quirkier creases
and folds smoothed out by the high-powered steam of commercial
sponsorship and exploitation.
- handily, also leads into Munich Beer Festival
- GB team sponsored by Rowenta. Iron on, dudes!
- also next weekend: retro games thing in Oxford
- or view internal security of London's biggest buildings
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
PSYCO, as befits the name, is scary and wrong. It's a
JIT-like specialising compiler for Python (a trick hitherto
widely regarded as impossible), that moves chunks of runtime
variable processing seamlessly to compile time (mostly
impossible), making Python code at Java to C++ speeds
(highly impossible). It's also impossibly easy to install,
set up, and instantly use on existing code with very little
modification. It's all part of Armin Rigos's patently
impossible project to prove that the more high-level code
is, the faster it should run. Here's hoping he finishes the
code before computer scientists with brands and pitchforks
break down the castle gates.
- and they said John Cocke was mad!
- unsolicited praise
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ would a merciful God allow: http://www.geocities.com/bunderfan/ ...
when bandwidth thieves attack http://www.i-r-genius.com/tony/cd.html
versus http://polaris.umuc.edu/~jweldon/CD.html versus
- always out of bloody stock.. won't someone please
http://www.thinkofthechildren.co.uk/ ... hang around the "safety"
page on http://www.wtc2002.com/ and it'll tastefully play Twin
Peak's "Falling" ... http://www.iggle.com/images/sanrio/hk40k.jpg
Life, http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020907/80/d92ih.html meet Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/onion3710/hamster_thrown.html ... worst.
sigs. ever: http://bitey.net/slashdot-sigs/ ... great edition of
ROSS "OUTSIDE SCOOP" TRUEMAN, as he touchingly explains why
Posh Spice would "never allow her children to be taken":
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> the - somewhat ineffectual - torture of Jennifer Garner
takes up most of the pilot episode of ALIAS (5.30pm, Sat, C4),
Demi Moore gets a bit of a rough ride in Ridley Scott designer
boot camp odyssey GI JANE (9.15pm, Sat, C4) - but Michael
Douglas has had just about as much as he can take, in one of
Joel Schumacher's nearly 1-in-5 surprisingly good films,
FALLING DOWN (11pm, Sat, BBC1)... the ever-annoying Lisa
Rogers is the new co-host of SCRAPHEAP CHALLENGE (5.25pm, Sun,
C4)... don't hold your breath for the "This man has no dick"
line in the edited-for-language cut of GHOSTBUSTERS (6.55pm,
Sun, C5)... and, as the continuity announcer suggested at the
end of Tuesday's showing, there's another chance to "catch any
bits you missed" in Spielberg's 3-hour SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
(9pm, Sun, C5) - though make sure you set the video for
magnificent Denise Richards/ Neve Campbell/ Bill Murray
modern-day noir WILD THINGS (10pm, Sun, C4)... dance music
docu BETTER LIVING THROUGH CIRCUITRY (12midnight, Sun, C4)
features DJ Spooky, Roni Size, US "big-beat" idiots The
Crystal Method... Ross "Eastenders" Kemp hosts grittier-than-
usual SAS-training reality gameshow ULTIMATE FORCE (9pm, Mon &
Wed, ITV)... Amy "NYPD Blue" Brenneman is, presumably, a
judge, in ingeniously titled US drama JUDGING AMY (1.45pm,
Mon-Fri, C4)... and DESPATCHES: SEX ON THE STREET (9pm, Mon,
C4) heralds the start of C4's "Prostitution - The Laws Don't
Work" season - though surely it would be quicker if C4 just
told us which laws *do* still work, and why... one obvious gag
about the BBC's CRACKING CRIME night (from 7pm, Wed, BBC1):
http://www.martian.fm/cracking_crime.htm ... Mel Gibson takes
a rather more pro-active approach to the problem in RANSOM
(9pm, Wed, C5)... and hopefully REPUTATIONS (9pm, Thu, BBC2)
will ask the obvious Uri Geller question: if his psychic
powers are so amazing, why do they only manifest themselves in
ways that resemble simple conjuring tricks - instead of, say,
actually having some worthwhile real-world effect?...
FILM>> jittery Mel Gibson triumphs over god-awful B-movie
dialogue, heavy-handed M Night Shyamalan philosophising and a
- surprisingly restrained - "Home Alone" Culkin sibling in
spooky "Close Encounters Of The Agricultural Kind" containment
sci-fi SIGNS ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/signs.htm :
toilet humor by child; constant threat of the unseen with
several individual instances of amplified threat; child
demanding his "vote" outweighs his father's authority)...
after "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Hamlet 2000", Julia
Stiles continues her teen Shakespeare remakes in high-school
hate-em-up O[THELLO] ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=O :
Creative camerawork means we don't see Stiles naked but it's
implied and she does look naked, as we see multiple angles of
her and a lot of flesh, but no "flesh" of importance to reveal
that she is, indeed, naked)... even without the interracial
aspect, the road to romance can still be a rocky one, posits
Afro-American battle-of-the-sexes TWO CAN PLAY [AT] THAT GAME
( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/twocanplay.htm : [Vivica
A Fox] modulates the frequency of her shields to reflect the
advances right back at the [Morris Chestnut]/[Anthony
Anderson] pair)... and it's no easier for God-fearin' all-
white folks in Mandy Moore teen tosh weepie A WALK TO REMEMBER
( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/a_walk_to_remember.html :
[Lauren German] and others digitally manipulate a photo and
put [Moore]'s face on the body of a scantily clad woman;
Phrases: "Jedi master of bullsh*t", "I've got to take a
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
a "Lunch Hour Thriller"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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