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           "The appearance of the desktop may also provide powerful
           insights into how comfortable someone is with technology.
           'It could be that the person with not much on their desktop
           is naive about technology,' said Mr Williams."
          http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_2045000/2045175.stm
     ...pop-psychologists : the very definition of "not much on the desktop"

                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                              we choose to recuse

         We must avoid getting too self-congratulatory about
         COMPLETELY VANQUISHING THE PRIVACY-SMASHING R.I.P. STANDING
         ORDER USING ONLY OUR BARE HANDS KEYBOARDS AND MICE. And by
         "we" here, "we" mean "you" - as it was your thousands of
         faxed letters to MPs that, by all accounts, put the willies
         up David Blunkett, and caused him to can the whole thing.
         Before we embark on our usual cynicism, you may take this
         brief moment to read the reviews, and glory in your new
         found power.
        http://www.stand.org.uk/weblog/archive/2002/06/19/000199.php
         - STAND story: Faxes, Hugh, and slashdotting the government
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/video/38084000/rm/_38084144_privacy22_marr_vi.ram
                               - the BBC says it was you what won it.
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/06/21/dohbbro.gif
                                     - simply *everyone's* talking about it

         Right, where were we? Well if it's in search of cynicism,
         we're due at BOB AINSWORTH's, the Home Office minister, who
         in the dying moments of the Standing Order, did one of those
         spectacular "Doesn't matter anyway" pouts. "Allow me to say
         to you that there are people in the Food Standards Agency
         now who apply for, in what they think are appropriate
         circumstances, data about people's communications - and they
         get it", he said to Nick Clarke on the World at One, before
         laughing in the heroes face, and activating the
         self-destruct sequence. Can this be true? Can those dastardy
         Health and Safety Officers really already fly into your ISP
         with their black helicopters and lift your Web cache? Was it
         all in vain? So far, the evidence suggests that Mr Ainsworth
         was economical with the truth, and it's not as bad as all
         that: yet.
         http://www.stand.org.uk/privacy/isp1.html
                 - data we've gathered about gathering data in the UK
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/25761.html
                                - John Lettice catches the transcript

         Ah, sod the worthiness. Let us now idly humiliate AT&T
         BROADBAND. Switching your newsserver config? Want to tell all
         your customers who use Usenet? Why not post a message about it?
         And for extra effect, why not accidentally propagate it to
         everybody else's newserver - on every newsgroup?
         <NELSON>Ha-haa.</NELSON>
http://groups.google.com/groups?q=insubject%3A%22regarding+your+usenet+service%22


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         CNN's Daljit Dhaliwal prefers "Nexus Lexus" to "LexisNexis":
     http://media.guardian.co.uk/mediaguardian/story/0,7558,738629,00.html
         (maybe it's a portal for info on the Lexus luxury car range?)
         ... this week's UBIQUITOUS PUERILE GOOGLE MISPRINTS AND TYPOS:
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22pubic+relations%22+-guardian ,
         http://www.google.com/search?q=cococunt and, more practically:
     http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Start+browsing+through+CGI-based+proxy
         ... one way of stopping them deleting your spoof eBay auction:
         http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=237479800
         ... active server pages = somewhat less active love lives:
         http://www.aspfriends.com/aspfriends/aspsingles.asp ...
         "Professional musicians have more grey matter in a part of the
         brain involved in processing music, scientists have found":
     http://news.bbc.co.uk/low/english/sci/tech/newsid_2044000/2044646.stm
         - in other news, secretaries can type quicker and porn stars
         have larger genitals... YAHOO autolinking has left the
         building: http://uk.music.yahoo.com/020616/4/d19yu.html ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         No longer in full-time education - yet can't fully enjoy the
         summer without the illicit thrill of imminent exams? The
         ostensibly NTK-sponsored UKUUG LINUX DEVELOPERS' CONFERENCE
         (9am, Thu 2002-07-04, University of Bristol, from about
         UKP70.50 incl VAT) may have the answer, in the form of your
         chance to sit the 90-minute Linux Professional Institute
         certification test without paying the usual $100 fee. As well
         as the usual crowd-pleasing sessions on MySQL, the Linux
         kernel (version 2.4) and how to secure your network before
         somebody else does, the event also evokes the "free - as in
         admission" philosophy, and throws its doors open to the non-
         paying public for the Linux Printing Workshop on Friday am
         plus the "exhibition" part of the show all day Saturday and
         Friday afternoon. Exhibitors include IBM, SuSE, Debian,
         Borland, the PlayStation 2 Linux roadshow folks, discounted
         books from O'Reilly, ideologically sound heckling from the
         Association For Free Software and someone from NTK shamelessly
         selling Adminspotting shirts out of the back of a transit van.
         http://www.ukuug.org/events/linux2002/
         - same day as http://www.desktoplinux.com/news/NS3432021257.html
         http://www.lpi.org/p-sample-101.html
         - just pick the first multiple-choice option each time?


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         No, no, you're wrong. This isn't another Elite-obsessed
         tracking. This is a perfectly normal, 3D starmap-obsessed
         tracking. Chris Laurel's CELESTIA is a 3D space simulator
         for Windows, Linux and MacOS X. Zoom around the solar
         system, lock step with planetary orbits, marvel at various
         NASA-sourced textures, go on time-accelerated jaunts to over
         100,000 stars, play around with the built-in scripting
         language. Then install the MOSTLYHARMLESS extension, which
         contains a gravity and thruster simulation so you  can orbit
         semi-realistically around Jupiter, thrust over to Abraham
         Lincoln space station above Earth, hyperspace off to Lave
         (Elite star systems included), prepare to battle Thargoids
         in... oh, I've blown it again, haven't I.
         http://www.shatters.net/celestia/
                  - set the Tools/Select menu to the heart of the Sun
         http://mostlyharmless.sourceforge.net/
         - "To create a free Elite like space game based on Celestia."


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         http://www.popgossip.fsnet.co.uk/mainpage.html vs THE ONION's
         http://www.theonion.com/archive/archive_harvey.html (or indeed
         http://www.bazing.co.uk/index.php?page=article&id=53 )...
         ANOTHER.COM reveals its unsuspected Republican sympathies:
         http://www.another.com/domain_wizard.jsp?searchString=fart ...
         tackling the tricky matter of involuntary FPS sexual arousal:
         http://www.misterstick.com/aboutmusic/cs.shtml ... where
         wasting resources isn't just encouraged - it's compulsory!:
         http://www.uswaternews.com/archives/arcsupply/2somhom6.html
         ... hate to see what their non-simplified ordering looks like:
         http://www-3.ibm.com/ibm/easy/eou_ext.nsf/Publish/2174 ... BBC
         now recruiting graphic artists from http://b3ta.com/ forums:
 www.bbc.co.uk/news/media/images/38087000/jpg/_38087323_becks_owen_prayer.jpg
         ... MARKOV the beast: http://www.fourteenminutes.com/fun/words/ ,
         http://www.sincity.com/penn-n-teller/pcc/shaney.html ... real
         space cadets, the BLUNKETTS: http://qwer.org/020621blunk.html ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> "Are telephone polls a rip off? Call 0900 1447705 for
         'yes', 0900 1447706 for 'no'" requests the reality-programme
         special of rebranded-Right-2-Reply THINK TV (7.30pm, Fri,
         C4)... Debbie Reynolds returns for an extra-camp edition of
         WILL AND GRACE (9.30pm, Fri, C4)... and tonight's late-night
         arthouse three-way sees Marilyn Monroe explaining relativity
         to Albert Einstein in INSIGNIFICANCE (12.20am, Fri, BBC2),
         John Malkovich discovering it's no holiday in Cambodia in THE
         KILLING FIELDS (2.20am, Fri, C4), and the reassuringly
         unambiguously titled DARKMAN III: DIE DARKMAN DIE (12.15am,
         Fri, BBC1) - a sequel-naming trend which never quite caught
         on: "Jean de Florette II: Die Jean de Florette Die"... C4
         investigates THE CURIOUS CASE OF INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU (6.50pm,
         Sat, C4), hopefully touching on how films like THE PINK
         PANTHER (7.55pm, Sat, C4) could once have been hailed as comic
         masterpieces, yet are now basically unwatchable... Sarah
         Michelle Gellar and Jack Black host, but the skits and offbeat
         live numbers remain the highlights of the MTV MOVIE AWARDS
         (2.40pm, Sun, C4)... rappers Ice T and Coolio go toe-to-toe
         with an earth-threatening asteroid on JUDGEMENT DAY (9pm, Sun,
         C5)... and the "Xenon 2: Megablast" theme is still the best
         bit of John Carpenter's ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (11.30pm, Sun,
         BBC1)... STRIP NOTES (12.10am, Sun, C4) is an added-nudity
         electronic press kit for Daryl Hannah's "Dancing At The Blue
         Iguana" movie - of which more later... TJ Hooker cedes C5's
         prestigious weekday morning slot to MAGNUM PI (11am, Mon-Fri,
         C5)... Rutger Hauer's BONE DADDY (9pm, Mon, C5) gets its now-
         annual outing - last shown June 2001 and June 2000... and
         A THOUSAND ACRES (12.10am, Mon, C4) is basically King Lear, on
         a farm... the best movies continue getting shunted off to the
         early hours - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1.45am, Tue, C4), REVENGE OF
         THE NERDS (3.35am, Tue, C4) - leaving primetime to tame
         Jennifer Aniston gay "Friends" dilemmas like THE OBJECT OF MY
         AFFECTION (9pm, Thu, ITV), and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2:
         FREDDY'S REVENGE (10.05pm, Wed, C5) - preceded just the other
         week by "Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Die Nightmare on Elm
         Street Die"... SECRET HISTORY: MAGIC AT WAR (9pm, Thu, C4)
         appears to cover the work of WW2 illusionist Jasper Maskelyne
         instead of actual weapons-grade witchcraft... but still ought
         to be an improvement over the famously disappointing GODFATHER
         III: DIE GODFATHER DIE (9pm, Thu, C5)...

         FILM>> so it doesn't actually have any of the "Friends" cast
         in it, but in every other respect it might just as well have
         been called "The One Where Phoebe Tries Dating Women" rather
         than the somewhat less self-explanatory KISSING JESSICA STEIN
       ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/kissing_jessica_stein.html :
         a miscellaneous character shows some cleavage; it's possible
         the film could encourage some women on the fence to experiment
         with lesbianism)... otherwise - with the possible exception of
         Keanu Reeves/Diane Lane inner-city Little League feelgooder
         HARDBALL ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/hardball.htm :
         toilet comment with anatomical reference; vulgar rap music in
         background) - it's a week of fairly cheap thrills, thanks to
         rumoured Heather Graham/ Natascha McElhone nudity in cheesy
         London-set erotic thriller KILLING ME SOFTLY (imdb: based-on-
         novel/ bondage/ sexual-obsession/ cover-up/ dangerous-love/
         desire/ dominance-submissiveness/ domination/ duplicity/
         masochism/ mountaineer/ murder-mystery/ obsession/ obsessive-
         love/ sabotage/ sadism/ sadomasochism/ sex-game)... or plenty
         of the real thing in the partly-improvised remake of Demi
         Moore's appalling "Striptease", DANCING AT THE BLUE IGUANA
      ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Dancing+at+the+Blue+Iguana :
         Daryl [Hannah] may have a boy's name, but she has no boy's
         body; [Jennifer Tilly] exposes both her breasts and comedic
         talent in a few scenes)...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> "The packet says 'fruit-shaped gums'
         rather than 'fruit-flavour gums'. And well it might, because
         if you're looking for flavour you'd be better off chewing
         bacon fat", reports STUART CAMPBELL of ROWNTREES FRUIT RUSH
         (30p/bag), part of a hail of invective which also takes in KP
         TICKLE PICKLE "PUFF MELT" SKIPS - "bigger and lighter than
         normal Skips, which makes them a bit chewy, as if they were
         past their sell-by date. Taste mostly of air" - and BUZZ BOLT
         "CRUNCH MELT" BACON FLAVOUR SKIPS - "slightly harder and
         crunchier [...] taste like the long-forgotten Rancheros"...
         but Stuart, like so many of you, saved his sternest criticism
         for this month's ultimate Taste Abomination, DIET COKE LEMON:
         "0:01 - Mm, it's Coke, but with a fresh lemony twist!", he
         timelines. "0:04 - ACK! It's *Diet* Coke with a fresh lemony
         twist. Blergh". "Really, really disgusting", agreed LAURENCE
         FILLMORE, "like fizzy lemon juice with a twist of Coke", while
         both PHIL WHITE and DAN BURGESS compared it to "Pledge" lemon-
         scented furniture polish - though Dan found it "less
         repulsive" after drinking 12 cans in one evening (he had
         "bought it on sale and refused to throw it away"). We assume
         he's still talking about Diet Coke Lemon rather than Pledge
         Furniture Polish but, if not, maybe he's onto something...
         there was a more even-handed response to the summer's other
         new snacks: "KFC's new 'Pocket' is a (more portable) variant
         on the Twister", related EDWARD AVIS, going on to describe its
         sour "Caesar dressing" which "makes it taste like sick - even
         coming with authentic square chunky bits which turned out to
         be 'croutons'. I ate it anyway". And we actually quite enjoyed
         the acidic tang of HULA HOOP SHOKS (48p per Borg-style cube),
         despite - or perhaps because of - reader DAVE EVANS'
         protestations that they're "the worst tasting things you have
         put in your mouth in a long time [...] The Sauce flavour
         tasted like burnt Chinese food" - and that appeared to be his
         favourite of the three... but Snack-Spotter Of The Month was
         CHRIS HEATHCOTE, who found the following South African imports
         in his local corner shop: SMARTIES IN MILKYBAR CHOCOLATE (49p,
         "intense excitement at all the colours in the white bar"), and
         MILKYBAR JELLY TOTS (also 49p, "an unreal texture explosion,
         with a few scary moments, and intense tot juiciness combine to
         make the most palatable Milkybar yet"). And totally different
         to the US standard MILKYBAR: MILK AND COOKIES variant as well:
         http://www.cybercandy.co.uk/search/indprod.php?xlc=622 . As
         ever, we await your reactions to: ROWNTREE'S FRUITSOME CEREAL
         BARS, MASTERFOODS' CRISPY M&MS and, long held by this column
         to be the "Holy Grail" of dairy produce, WHITE SODA CARBONATED
         MILK: http://www.bevnet.com/reviews/whitesoda/ ...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                          "klogmuters and krechtsers"
            http://cheerleader.yoz.com/archives/000019.html#000019

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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