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        "This happiness lasted until 1993, when I moved to South
         Korea. A lot happened there which you don't need to know. I
         meant to shag my way across the country, but managed to get
         derailed by a single girlfriend who I later married because I
         couldn't think what else to do with her..."
                  - on the road, with Thomas C Greene of THE REGISTER
                 ( http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/23777.html )

                         ...and there's stuff we *don't* need to know?


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                  handy taboos

         Kicking them when they're down is bad: kicking them when
         they're busy kicking *themselves* down seems excessive. In a
         week when Palm split itself in two (all the better to race
         itself into oblivion, we guess), the notoriously even-handed
         BBC set about wiping the company's products out entirely. The
         corporation's advisors have decreed that there can be only
         one PDA platform "upon which adequate security and virus
         protection measures can currently be provided". In other
         words, only the virus-free long-term tested Windows PocketPC
         2002 may henceforth be used on BBC premises. Palministas in
         the current "well-intentioned anarchy" (as the BBC's
         Technology Division describe office life) have 18 months to
         sling their Dragonballs out, or else. Of course, IT
         departments go all homogenous all the time - generally
         before disappearing in a swathe of trojans riding in on
         wooden worms. This edict seems noteworthy, though, as it
         bans BBC employees from using even their *own* Palms, adds
         to BBC journalists' continuing blindness to anything but the
         green grasses of Gates' Windowsland - and it's us who pays
         for those over-specced bloody corporate PocketPCs.
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/23773.html
                                         - the poisoned chalice of Be
         http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,49856,00.html
                  - "thanks to the unique way our terrorism is funded"
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/25/dohpalm.txt
            - the 18-month "amnesty", however, will remain virus-free

         Explanations trickle in for the "vote early before Xmas"
         postal election for .me.uk [NTK 2002-01-18]. Like any
         Nominet referendum, this was designed to comply fully with
         Electoral Reform Society recommendations. Well, except that
         if you ask the Electoral Reform Society whether they would,
         hypothetically, approve of such an election, they'd spit the
         real ale out from under their moustaches in horror, and say
         that the election should last at least five weeks, and that
         holding it over Christmas would be "a bad idea". Still, no
         fuss: Nominet policy makes it clear that that .me.uk isn't
         just some cranky money-making scheme shoved past the
         electorate, but a very serious attempt to introduce a
         personal-name-only partner to the corporate co.uk hierachy.
         And we're sure that's how it will turn out: just ask the
         future owners of text.me.uk and kiss.me.uk - both kindly
         reserved in advance for Mr Text and Mr Kiss by Denesh
         Bhabuta, current member of the Nominet Policy Advisory Board.
         http://photos.denesh.co.uk/photo.php?id=78859
                                             - Mr Kiss Kiss Text Text

         No one would have believed, in the first few years of the
         twenty-first century, that we wouldn't be watching would-be
         satirical UK email newsletter THE FRIDAY THING, and enviously
         scrutinising their claims of "40,000 subscribers" - as someone
         with a microscope might study creatures that multiply in a
         drop of water. Fortunately, however, it seems we won't have
         to draw our plans against them, because today marks the last
         edition of their free weekly email as they boldly flip over to
         a subscriptions-only model. TFT Editor Paul Carr wouldn't give
         a precise figure on how many existing readers have paid the
         UKP10-a-year sign-up fee - hinting only that it's at least
         10%, but less than 60% - and maintains that word of mouth, on-
         site testimonials, and the unflagging support of a local radio
         DJ in Milton Keynes (possibly called "Steve") will continue to
         attract new paying subscribers sight unseen. And perhaps he
         has a point - featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The
         Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show, it's entirely possible that the
         only thing that's been putting off potential subscribers so
         far is actually being able to see what their mailout is like.
         http://www.thefridaything.co.uk/
              - weekly popbitch mail currently "on holiday", they say


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         "I even own some of their albums", pleads clearly penitent PR
         genius PETER NOBLE: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/25/dohnoble.gif
         ... PCs accepted as everyday "white goods" around the house:
         http://www.johnlewis.com/stores/product.asp?sku=230153451 ,
         http://www.clearance-comet.co.uk/HTML/Cat67047.htm ... Glasto
         stage diving a bit more subdued now than it was in our day:
         http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020125/80/cqv7c.html ... BT happily
         forwards your genealogical query to the "relative department":
         http://www.btopenworld.com/helpnb/formsent/ ... job ad of the
         week: http://www.one-cv.com/vacancydetails.cfm?id=11671 ...
         fair cop, guv: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/25/dohcaution.gif
         ... one perk of being at CINGULAR - conducting all business in
         Latin: http://www.cingular.com/customer_service/cingular_perks
         ... "blah blah corporate bullshit goes here", mumbles ALEX
         http://www.alexcartoon.com/characters.cfm ... "geld electrify
         postdoctoral houseflies" in Joycean stream of consciousness:
http://www.paris-charming-hotels.co.uk/quality-hotels/family-bookings.htm
         ... new thrill - it's "secret messages in image filenames":
       http://www.lycos.co.uk/content/webguides/sports/redscum150.gif ,
http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/news_comment/artistsinprofile/images/emin_cunt.jpg


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         The future really arrives in February, with the SCI-FI LONDON
         FILM FESTIVAL (from Wed 2002-01-30, various venues), featuring
         a Douglas Adams Memorial Lecture and assorted subcultural
         celebrities (eg babes from the Sci-Fi Channel) introducing a
         couple of obscure premieres and, well, the kind of movies
         they're always showing on the Sci-Fi Channel. But at least
         they're showing them largely intact - unlike the goddamn ICA
         who, in an act of MCP-like arrogance later in the month, are
         hosting a club night pitched squarely at the Atari t-shirt-
         wearing crowd: the visuals from '80s-electro-classic TRON, but
         with a live soundtrack from '80s-tech-retro-popsters LADYTRON
         (8.30pm, Fri 2002-02-22, UKP10). Arthur "Planet Rock" Baker
         will be spinning the identity discs, as if that makes up for
         the fact that Tron already has a perfectly good soundtrack,
         courtesy of "Clockwork Orange" transsexual Wendy Carlos. Will
         Ladytron be playing all those original themes ("Tower Music",
         the haunting "Water Music and Tronaction", Journey's "Only
         Solutions"), as immortalised in the coin-op arcade game? And
         will the crowd be able to hear the dialogue, or might they be
         forced to join in, Rocky Horror-style: "Man, on the other side
         of the screen, it all looks so easy..."?
         http://www.ica.org.uk/clubnight/131747/
         - next: Disney's The Black Hole (music: Black Sabbath, Hole)
         http://www.ladytron.co.uk/
      - for '80s videogames, wouldn't "Ms Tron" sound more authentic?
         http://www.coronaproductions.com/films/details/realtron2.html
                 - just an upgrade patch until "Tron 2.0: Killer App"
         http://www.sci-fi-london.com/
               - loads of those new-fangled "mangamation" movies, too
         http://www.onlinecontentuk.org/events.html
                - also on Wed: some "content professionals", in a pub
         http://www.vitamin-e.net/default.asp
                    - and an e-accessibility event, which uses frames


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Who hasn't at some point yearned to write UNIX scripts in
         the Basic that came with the original 1982 BBC Computer?
         Everyone. Don't argue: everyone. BRANDY is a GPL'd port of
         BBC BASIC's last living descendant, BASIC V, to BSD/Unix,
         Windows/DOS, and RISCOS. From the PASCALish DEF PROC to the
         BBC's peculiar C-like indirection operators ! and ?, it's
         all here. Brandy's RISC version even has support for VDU 19
         and SOUND commands - it's up to you to implement those under
         the other platforms. Best of all, it's had the USENET seal
         of approval from Sophie nee Roger Wilson, the one-woman
         once-man whirlwind who wrote the first BBC Basic in
         assembler as well as creating most of the original Atom,
         designing the BBC screen font, and sketching out the first
         ARM RISC processor instruction set. Nice she's letting other
         people get their hand in these days.
         http://www.argonet.co.uk/users/dave_daniels/
                   - do hope it's not named after Brandon Butterworth
         http://digital-guru.de/stage2/et/bigtime2.htm
                                         - Sophie Creates An Industry


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         BABELFISH translations of Spanish "Mariah Carey" news stories:
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/25/dohsea.gif ... ideal "ironic"
         gifts: http://shorterlink.com/?D1DO6H , http://guyskeyboard.com/
         ... AMSTRAD e-mailer can "download and play ZX Spectrum games":
www.innovations.co.uk/gus/product.asp?brand=newInnovations&prod%5Fid=54421
         ... "comes with 100,000 shrinkwrapped copies of DAIKATANA":
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=600773185
         ... HALO royalties bring about unexpected creative freedom:
         http://www.bungie.com/products/pimps/pimpsatsea.htm ... but
         who will save BIBLEMAN? http://www.bibleman.com/roadUpdate.asp
         ... important briefing leaked by NCIS' High-Tech Crime Unit:
         http://crazy.codetroop.com/randimg/imgs/computer_bomb.jpg ...
         forget LEGO LORD OF THE RINGS - gaze upon the unearthly angles
         of: http://www.cis.rit.edu/~jerry/Image/lego/cthulu.html ...
         MARK AND LARD thought it sounded more like "I've farted":
         http://www.rathergood.com/alf/ ... if SOTCAA were Americans:
         http://www.rev.net/~aloe/tv/entertainment.html ... milky, milky:
  http://www.milkbottleoftheweek.com/mbotw_preview_02/html/rinse_return.htm
         ... you assume "Chilled and Frozen Horse and The Fresh" is a
         hip-hop posse, and "Ass Meat Export Supplies" their new album:
         http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/Author%3DFrozen%20Horse/ ...
         peer reviews, ALI G-style - is it because I is highly cited,
         or not?: http://www.isihighlycited.com ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> as if the prospect of Ken Branagh and Colin Firth as
         genocide-plotting Nazis wasn't distressing enough, CONSPIRACY
         also "contains strong language", diligently warns the Radio
         Times (9pm, Fri, BBC2) - part of a somewhat confused
         "Holocaust Memorial Day" which also features Sarah Jessica
         Parker dud THE SUBSTANCE OF FIRE (11.30pm, Sat, BBC1) and a
         "Burns Night Special" of SONGS OF PRAISE (5.15pm, Sun, BBC1)
         ... elsewhere, vying for Worst Film Of The Weekend, it's
         Michael Crichton monkey movie CONGO (11.05pm, Fri, BBC1),
         mutant thumb odyssey EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES (12.55am,
         Sat, C4), flying-Clooney atrocity BATMAN AND ROBIN (4.55pm,
         Sun, C5) and - of course - KIDS IN THE HALL: BRAIN CANDY
         (12.25am, Sun, BBC2)... although Stallone's COP LAND (10.15pm,
         Sun, BBC2) is like a modern-day "LA Confidential", but with
         Janeane Garofalo in it too... MURDER IN MIND (9.20pm, Sat,
         BBC1) shows what happens when that you push that "Marion and
         Geoff" bloke too far... Britney Spears parries the insistent
         probing of transgressive talk-host maestro FRANK SKINNER
         (9.35pm, Sat, ITV)... and WW2 documentaries and makeover shows
         collide at last when SALVAGE SQUAD (8pm, Mon, C4) shows how to
         renovate a Centurion tank... SUNDAY (9pm, Mon, C4) dramatises
         the making of last weekend's "Bloody Sunday" drama-doc on
         ITV... TRADING RACES (9pm, Tue, BBC2) does a double black-to-
         white and white-to-black makeover, giving viewers a powerful
         insight into what it must be like to be Michael Jackson...
         Arnie actioner PREDATOR (10.30pm, Tue, ITV) flaunts its
         fantastic jungle locations... and C5 bizarrely starts a season
         of Steven Seagal's eco-friendly beat-em-ups with him trying to
         stop bad guys from dumping dayglo toxic goo in the unwittingly
         hilarious cystitis metaphor FIRE DOWN BELOW (9pm, Thu, C5)...

         FILM>> Nathan Barley-like mens' mag publisher Tom Cruise is
         swept away by Penelope Cruz's comedy "Fawlty Towers" accent in
         not-the-reality-twisting-Vanilla-Ice-biopic you'd hoped for,
         VANILLA SKY ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Vanilla+Sky :
         "Open Your Eyes" is a better movie, and has better nudity; at
         first you could see part of [Cruz's] nipple popping out of her
         bra and I was thinking "Oh great, that's all we get? How
         unfair!" But no, almost immediately after that we get to see
         her breasts unobstructed several times during the scene)...
         Jon Favreau re-teams with Vince "Jurassic Park II" Vaughn and
         Famke "X-Men" Janssen in sub-"Swingers" gangster spoof MADE
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/made.html : [Vaughn]
         gives a waitress a tip at a club and says he's doing so in
         case he later calls her a "bitch"; we see [Janssen] in her
         bra)... this week's teen horror romp is THE GLASS HOUSE
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/glasshouse.htm : teen in
         underwear; swimming in underwear; arrogance against fair
         authority; admission of intoxication as though it were "cool";
         intentionally coming home late; kidnapping to kill)... and the
         old guy from "The Full Monty" now faces the rest of his family
         getting their kit off in harrowing Oscar-fodder IN THE BEDROOM
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/in_the_bedroom.html :
         Willis and Matt briefly ogle [Marisa Tomei's] clothed butt -
         in a short and somewhat tight-fitting dress)...

         DRESS DOWN FRIDAY>> just a few more weeks now and we'll have a
         proper credit-card t-shirt shop instead of the peculiarly US-
         biased PayPal we currently use. But until then, visitors to
         http://www.ntkmart.com/ can continue to check out our somewhat
         arbitrary range of Special Limited Editions, including - new
         this month! - "The Revolution Will Be Commodified", an ironic
         comment on the merchandising of dissent suggested by reader
         NICK DRAGE (along with "One day bash will accept your life as
         stdin - cat /dev/real-life | /bin/bash", which we didn't think
         was obscure enough). A quick Google search revealed that Nick
         wasn't the first to come up with the "Commodified" wordplay -
         but that's OK, as he'd already volunteered to donate his UKP2
         royalties to "those 'Free Dmitry' guys, or someone standing up
         for digital rights in Europe, or something"... we've been
         working through a few of the other slogan entries - AMIAS
         CHANNER hit a plaintive chord with his "Will Fix Computers For
         Sex"; GRAHAM STALKER-WILDE wanted a "Copyright 2002 - All
         Rights Reserved" notice at the bottom of his "Intellectual
         Property Is Theft" design - but fortunately we've probably
         missed the window for reader JEREMY's "route add gw bush
         kabul.af" (or his "pacifist alternative": "route add gw bush
         kabul.af reject"). Apparently without irony, RICK F also
         proposed "a t-shirt with your slogan - They Stole Our
         Revolution, etc. That would go over big in the good old USA.
         Perhaps air drop a few to the Alliance in Afghanistan?" By
         your command, Rick - oddly enough, the "They" originally
         referred to Wired magazine and, by implication, the entire US
         military-industrial complex, but obviously you can appropriate
         it to be whoever you like... in other news, kudos to both
         HENRY BLOOMFIELD and ALEX INGRAM for their successful shirt-
         wearing infiltrations of the mass media, now documented at
         http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/images/ - Henry wins a free shirt,
         but Alex wins two and the title "Outright Winner 2001", for
         duration of exposure, primetime scheduling, geekiness of
         programme (TV's Royal Institution Christmas Lectures), and the
         nonchalant expression he maintained throughout. This month's
         bemused runners-up no-prize meanwhile goes to JEREMY G, who
         pro-actively wore one of his *own* designs during a Channel 4
         skateboarding show: http://uk.geocities.com/osfuk/tshirt.html .
         Sadly, to prevent abuse, the rules require you to be wearing
         one of *our* shirts, Jeremy - and, while appreciative of your
         effort, the judges cannot be swayed by the tantalising extra
         documentation you provide that, in Australia, Big Brother is
         "a euphemism for todger". Better luck next time!...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                              "Oh, the profanity!"
         http://database.n2h2.com/cgi-perl/catrpt.pl?req_URL=www.ntk.net

                                 NEED TO KNOW
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