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        "'To start charging for the live stream is an insult,' wrote
         Chris Gullick, who said the standard of this year's internet
         was no better than that of last year's..."
news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/new_media/newsid_2010000/2010455.stm
                     - internet, as a whole, "could do better". See me.


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                                calling all 802s

         Help! NTK's overly-previewed fifth birthday present, the
         NTK/MUTE EXTREME COMPUTING FESTIVAL OF INAPPROPRIATE
         TECHNOLOGY slouches toward the THE CAMDEN CENTRE (near Kings
         Cross station) to be born next weekend - but we need, as ever,
         some expert assistance. We'd love to feed hungry attendees and
         stallowners 2Mbp/s of delicious 802.11'd bandwidth (rather
         than stale ISDN fare) for the duration of the festival. But to
         do so would currently involve breaking the laws of physics -
         our nearest CONSUME node is only a few hundred yards away, but
         it's line-of-brick-buildings, rather than line-of-sight, so
         that's out. Unless - you can help. If you have broadband
         connection, can see the Camden Centre from your window, and
         wouldn't mind sharing for the weekend, we'd like to speak to
         you. Or do you know any - or perhaps are a - London student
         based in HUGHES PARRY HALL, CARTWRIGHT GARDENS? High up? Who
         wouldn't mind helping us relay a signal between two 802.11
         stations? Or maybe you have some kind of portable aerial tower
         in your garage? And, hey, while we're at it, anyone like to
         help us set up this *insane* WiFi craziness? If it works, it
         promises to be one of the unlikelier (and therefore most
         impressive) hacks at the con - and given the current roster,
         that's saying something.
         http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=530020&y=182703
             - video projectors, Sega Saturn multitaps also appreciated
         http://www.consume.net/nodedb.php
                                                 - postcode is WC1H 9BT
         http://www.xcom2002.com/
                   - although the circuit-bending guy may yet clinch it

         But this weekend celebrates a very special anniversary for
         Britain's most beloved institution. Yes, according to our
         uptimes, gate.demon.co.uk started taking incoming calls on
         June 2nd 1992 - beginning the first decade of personal UK
         internet access. That said, we may be wrong, as there aren't
         any logs that go that far back. As though helping to cap
         that decade of freedom, the EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT have decreed
         that such poor record-keeping will no longer be a problem.
         From now on, governments can force ISPs to keep permanent
         logs of your Web movements, and record your mobile phone
         cell position every minute. In return: all spam will be
         opt-in. Oh, hoorah. Let's see which gets implemented in
         national legislation first, shall we?
     http://www.guardian.co.uk/internetnews/story/0,7369,725204,00.html
                                      - sold out for a mess of spammage

         The transformation of librarians as underpaid drudges -
         preserving the infosphere while straightfacedly answering
         the sniggering requests of impertinent schoolboys - into the
         heroes of the digital age is near complete. But there's
         disturbing evidence this week that even ALEXA, home of the
         most heroic librarian of them all, BREWSTER KAHLE, is not
         above nodding. For a few days this week, Alexa's Amazonian
         Web ranking system became bizarrely disorganised. Those
         wanting to find out more on #1 site yahoo.com discovered it
         was really called "Bonnie-Jill Laflin" - described by Alexa
         as a "a punk rock band from Northeastern Ohio". Geocities
         became "Mashkoki", a site devoted to "circusanimatie en
         paranormale dingen". And Netscape's precious Netcenter is
         itself paranormale dingened into an "additional component of
         the Communicator suite". Discarding the more outlandish
         explanations - such as Alexa's software not coping with
         virtual domains sharing the same IP address - we're left
         with only one clue. Bonnie-Jill Laflin is *not* in fact a
         punk band, but NBA cheerleader of the year 1993-1994. Have
         those schoolboys been messing around with the master
         librarian's cardfile index again?
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohyahoo.png
                                                   - oh very funny, boy
         http://www.bonnie-jill.com/bio.html
                                                         - popular girl
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohgeo.png
           - hey, do you think the internet archive will preserve this?
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohns.png
                          - and it's not like anyone ever used Composer


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/film/newsid_2012000/2012272.stm
         - perhaps goes some way to explaining "120 Days Of Hogwarts":
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohsod.gif ... still, Potter's
         been through a lot: http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohnam.gif
         ... puerile inadvertent GOOGLE search results of the week:
         http://www.google.com/search?q=dylsexia , "accuntability",
         "pubic services" and - of course! - that classic <HEAD> tag
         http://www.google.com/search?q=type_Document_Title_here ...
         share the trauma: http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohcar.gif
         ... in other auto news - Price Of New Cars Continues To Fall:
         http://www.ananova.com/business/story/sm_579387.html (May 1st)
         - yet 1 day later: Survey Says New Car Prices Are Rising:
         http://www.ananova.com/business/story/sm_580034.html (May 2nd)
         ... "Stonehenge" of the week - win a 15-foot Flat Panel VDU:
         http://www.packardbell.co.uk/specialevents/survey/intro.asp
         ... affirmative action - EU seems to prefer certified "gays":
         http://www.cctec.com/maillists/nanog/current/msg03233.html ...
         "Can't stop now", explain SUN, despite evidence to contrary:
         http://see.sun.com/cgi-bin/gx.cgi/mcp?q=STNdcTEqcdpHy ...
         alternative school sport for the new, earthier Harry Potter:
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/dohpoo.gif ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Not much about it on their characteristically decentralised
         website, but word has it that wireless networkers CONSUME.NET
         are holding some sort of community progress report on Sun
         (from 3pm, 2002-06-02, Limehouse Town Hall/Boxing Club, London
         E14, free tea but bring your own food and drink if you want to
         picnic - not to be confused with the SPACE HIJACKERS' Pirate
         Party at the same venue on the previous day). Also in London
         - sorry - is next week's CYBERSONICA DIGITAL MUSIC FESTIVAL
         (from Tue June 2002-06-04, the ICA, around UKP55/day), which
         runs the gamut of modern music all the way from "digital noise
         and cut-up" to "idiosyncratic electronica". Speaking of which,
         there are rumours of an "alternative jubilee" street party
         somewhere in the vicinity of THE FOUNDRY, 84-86 Great Eastern
         Street, London EC2, featuring the KLF and Chumbawumba, but no-
         one seems to know when it's on, so we do hope it's not like
         that fireworks night thing in November 2000 when we just
         trudged round St James' Park in the rain.
         http://consume.net/twiki/bin/view/Main/Meetings
                                 - vs http://www.twenteenthcentury.com/
  http://www.cybersalon.org/cgi-bin/cybersalon/events.cgi?articleid=224
                          - featuring "DJ Spooky", "Bomb 20" and "Pole"
         http://www.net-media.co.uk/awards/
               - might just be time to get an entry in for this as well
         http://www.newstatesman.co.uk/nma2002awards.htm
         - hey we like Mike Butcher, but he's an "Online Community" now?


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         It's not very WikiWiki, as they say, not very wabi-sabi, to
         announce version 1.0; but that's what the people behind
         MoinMoin, ze German Python wikiclone has gone and done. In
         terms of features and future, it's fancy enough for the
         integer. The standard nitpicks that simpler Wikis labour
         under have been addressed  - version control, user
         preferences, nested directories, better markup are all
         there. There's a neato plugin system for in-page macros,
         wiki-wide actions, and even new parsers. The MoinMoin
         developer community have mapped out some useful
         extensions with this already - including a blogging utility,
         calendar functions, and HTML insertion. There are a few
         rough edges - the tempting XML-RPC interface is only
         partially supported, and the access controls and "mail on
         page change" features are a bit flakey. But then that's
         what the other integers are for.
         http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?WabiSabi
                                              - wabi-sabi in 1K or more
         http://moin.sourceforge.net/
                              - moinmoin means "good morning" in German
http://twistedmatrix.com/users/jh.twistd/moin/moin.cgi/MoinMoinEtymology
                                                          - or does it?


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         BT takes the hint: http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/31/mr_pissed.gif
         vs http://unklerob1.tripod.com/ ... THE ECONOMIST's Warwick-
         wannabes imitate "the ghost in 2000AD's Mean Machine Angel":
http://www.economist.com/printedition/displaystory.cfm?Story_ID=1143583
         ... hey, with an Uzi, getting free food and beverages really
         isn't a problem: http://www.frontsight.com/1day_smg_course.htm
         ... kind of like http://www.thespamletters.com/ , but funny:
         http://www.savannahsays.com/kizombe.htm ... When Audiophiles
         Attack, pt2 - different brands of CDRs and hard drives "sound
         different": http://www.johnvestman.com/digital_myth.htm ...
         mild-mannered ambient genius DJ SHADOW lashes out at HOTMAIL-
         using fools: http://www.djshadow.com/merch/ ... Christianity
         unwittingly invites comparisons with cheap conjuring tricks:
         http://www.pick-me.com/specialeffects/firebible.htm ...
         imagining usability gurus on the toilet #1 - Donald Norman:
         http://www.jnd.org/dn.mss/ToiletPaperAlgorithms.html ... what
         those TEMPEST investigators get up to in their spare time:
         http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~mgk25/iso-paper.html ... misses out
         "is your HTML source full of astonishingly posh-sounding
         comments?": http://www.normanberesford.com/commonTest.asp ...
         targetting that famously lucrative "faceless dolls" market:
         http://www.shykids.co.uk/shykids.asp ...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> "Big Brother" isn't just watched by women and gay men,
         Channel4 implies, sandwiching the show between V GRAHAM NORTON
         (10.35pm, Fri, C4) and a new series of WILL AND GRACE (9.30pm,
         Fri, C4)... before going on to imitate C5's March 2000 "Queen
         Day" http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02000-03-10&l=197#l with a
         themed weekend starting WHEN FREDDIE MERCURY MET KENNY EVERETT
         (9pm, Sat, C4)... your bonus bank holiday movies begin with
         arguably Steve Martin's funniest film, THE JERK (11.50pm, Fri,
         BBC1) and original Steve McQueen amorphous monster mash THE
         BLOB (1.45am, Sat, C4) - loosely remade as the mildly
         disappointing GHOSTBUSTERS 2 (5pm, Tue, C4)... there's a
         chance to shout out Harrison Ford's original voiceover in the
         largely unimproved BLADE RUNNER: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT (9pm, Sun,
         C5) - featuring unicorn footage from Mia "Ferris Bueller" Sara
         fantasy LEGEND (4.50pm, Mon, BBC2)... and another showing for
         tedious laserdisc videogame inspiration FIREFOX (3.10pm, Mon,
         ITV)... there are more laughs in unintentionally hilarious
         post-apocalyptic "Mad Max" parody THE POSTMAN (9pm, Tue, C5)
        http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_reviews/1997/12/122502.html
         than the equally interminable STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE
         (4.10pm, Tue, BBC2)... Patricia Arquette provides a
         surprisingly coherent second sequel in NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
         3: DREAM WARRIORS (10pm, Wed, C5)... while the 90-minute docu
         THE HUNT FOR BRITAIN'S PAEDOPHILES (9pm, Thu, BBC2) "contains
         disturbing images", which may come as something of a shock for
         anyone trying to tune in to jingoistic feel-gooder THE ITALIAN
         JOB (8.25pm, Thu, BBC1) at around the same time...

         FILM>> Guy "Memento" Pearce's chronological inconsistencies
         continue in unnecessary CGI remake travesty THE TIME MACHINE
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/timemachine.htm : massive
         tattoos; unquestionable images of [Samantha Mumba's] upper
         anatomy through clothing, repeatedly; brief glimpses of rear
         anatomy, ostensibly male, repeatedly; at least seven victims
         of dart impalement; speaking of evolution causing demon-like
         creatures from man)... a web designer goes 6 weeks without sex
         - don't they all? - in Michael "Heathers" Lehmann's "master of
         your domain" crude Seinfeld knock-off 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/40daysand40nights.htm :
         talks of masturbation, repeatedly; enticing to masturbate
         and gestures of masturbation plus an episode of sounds and
         extremity motions of masturbation; clothed erections,
         repeatedly; rubbing the breast of Mrs. Butterworth on a bottle
         of Mrs. Butterworth(tm) syrup; a sea of female breasts - vs
   http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=40+Days+and+40+Nights+%282002%29 :
         "then there is the computer generated dream where he is flying
         through tits like they were rolling hills or something")...
         otherwise it's Academy Award winner Cuba Gooding Jr, Nichelle
         "Lieutenant Uhura" Nichols, Sisqo, and James Coburn - together
         at last! - in anthropmorphic arctic animal adventure SNOW DOGS
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/snow_dogs.html : Demon -
         a dog - suggestively raises his eyebrows toward a female dog
         that flirtatiously bats her eyelashes back at him - we later
         see that they have puppies together; we see Demon raise his
         leg and urinate on a tree)...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
               "more interesting/ less peculiar than Hari Kunzru"
         http://www.infinitematrix.net/columns/sterling/sterling30.html
               (and we said NTK *above* "the real Nathan Barley")


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