__  __ _2002-01-04   _ _____ _  __      
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        "Some newsgroups are believed to be sponsored by Internet porn 
         barons, who seduce new clients with cybersex as they learn to 
         'crack' software. Once they have started down this path, 
         hackers face a very gloomy future..."
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/dynamic/news/story.html?in_review_id=486444
              - ...Gloomy? Free warez *and* cybersex? Where do we sign?

         
                                >> MINI NEWS <<
                              it's all about *you* 

         Yup, normal service resumes next week but, until then, a 
         couple of clarifications on some of our wilder statements of 
         the past few weeks. First, last issue's DESIGN-YOUR-OWN-
         STYLESHEET CONTEST does *not* mean that NTK will be going over 
         to a CSS-only format, as feared by reader PETE: "No, please 
         don't do it", he begged, "and screw all us fine folk who 
         browse with v3 tools such as OffByOne. CSS is the Devil's 
         work". "The evil of CSS spreads," agreed NICK DRAGE. "And 
         there was me hoping that the Interweb would adopt the NTK look 
         as standard". Rest assured, the default NTK front page will 
         maintain its browser-agnostic monospaced glory - but those 
         deviants who persist in complaining about it being "hard to 
         read" will now have the option of applying their own style 
         sheets so they can try and improve it themselves, as perhaps 
         even the most cursory glance at our sample URL would reveal: 
         http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?style=http://www.ntk.net/ntk.css .
         
         Second, December's announcement of NTK'S 5TH BIRTHDAY BASH 
         (due in May) has led to unexpectedly feverish speculation - 
         not least on the http://www.everyonehatesattachments.com/ 
         board, where suggestions have included a "TV detectives" fancy 
         dress party, and a "Logan's Run theme" ("Ahh, the fiery ritual 
         of carousel. Renew! Renew!"). What we actually had in mind was 
         more of a day-long conference-style event, like Access All 
         Areas used to be, but with probably more emphasis on hardware. 
         All we now need from you are suggestions on: speakers you'd 
         like to see (you are allowed to nominate yourself), activities 
         you'd like to participate in, and venues which you think might 
         tolerate this kind of behaviour. Currently we're torn between 
         the flashier conference venues (probably in London, sorry) and 
         the grittier down-to-earth ambience they have at Anarchist 
         Bookfairs (has anyone been to Charing Cross Road's "Open" Club 
         since 1999's "Expo Destructo"? What's that like nowadays?). 
         Mail us at tips@spesh.com if you've got any ideas - and you 
         can always dress up as TV detectives or Logan's Run characters 
         afterwards, if you really feel the need to. 
         
         
                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         ads, Aussie-style: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohhot1.gif 
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohhot2.gif ... hmm, I'll pick 
         "Index of /_borders": http://www.lockpicks.co.uk/contents.htm 
         ... "Phases I and II" - the securest hyperlinks of all time?: 
         http://www.nssg.gov/About_Us/about_us.htm ... "our internet 
         speed has been upgraded to 2 MHz" gibbers ORANGE cybercafe: 
         http://www.orangestudio.co.uk/prices/ ... "UKP8-10 per year"?: 
         http://jobsearch.monster.co.uk/getjob.asp?JobID=13550745 - 
      F-OFF!: http://www.gojobsite.co.uk/showvac/WRsjfJ/428401/910048335 
         ... and let's see yer fancy DYSON vacuum cleaners do *that*: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohlipo.gif ... probabilistic 
         grave-locating skills of Senior Researcher at MICROSOFT: 
         http://www.research.microsoft.com/users/horvitz/revbayes.htm 
         don't appear to include "looking up where it is on the net": 
         http://www.bayesian.org/bayesian/bayes.html ... "cooming 
         soon": http://dotcomargentina.net/ , while company motto of 
         http://leesoft.net/ appears to be "we are making better"... 
         "NT enthusiasts" even rarer than previously thought: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohnt.gif ... and let us pray 
         that the bandwidth harvest does not fail again this year: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/04/dohwick.gif ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         OK, here's a tough one. Of course, we're broadly in favour of 
         any initiative which encourages users to ditch AOL and venture 
         out onto the big wide internet. And that's the basic idea of 
         the X-AOL workshops (3-5pm, Sat 2002-01-26, downtown LA, free) 
         - the catch being that they're intended to help *artists* 
         start 2002 AOL-free, conflicting directly with NTK's own 
         ongoing campaign to "Keep Artists Off The Net". And if you're 
         a sensitive, creative artistic soul who hasn't yet realised 
         that there's something a bit odd about using AOL - then, by 
         definition, isn't AOL probably the best place for you?
         http://www.onramparts.org/x-aol/
             - c'mon, help wean ordinary folks off "The Connie" as well


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                  ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         BRIDGET JONES's bad language gets her into another hilarious 
         scrape: http://qwer.org/frickingoogleurls020104 ... can *you* 
         guess which particular Flash-design company it's based on?: 
         http://www.monkeon.co.uk/roncoweb/ ... http://cexx.org/hc/ 
         vs http://www.panackove.cz/data/_subpct/handicap.mpg ... 
         industrial sex aids: http://www.chinavibrator.com/ vs 
         http://www.drjoelkaplan.com/electricpump2.html ... porn fishin': 
         http://www.amateurcenterfolds.com/tgp/GL4/giantlure6.html ... 
         if Charles abdicates: http://dccsa.com/greatjoy/whoisthe.htm , 
         then who's next in line for that all-important ANTICHRIST 
         role?: http://maxpages.com/kingarthur ... and what would it be 
         like if Smirnoff made TV ads for CARLING BLACK LABEL?... 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1725000/images/_1729022_richardreid150ap.jpg
         vs BILL THOMPSON: http://www.andfinally.com/images/coffee.jpg 
         ... a-ha-ha-ha: http://www.w3schools.com/downloadwww.htm ... 
         it's the "G'gugvunts" and the "Vl'hurgs" all over again: 
     http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1315618885
         ... well, at least they left a note - or was it a CRY FOR 
         HELP?: http://suicide-parasuicide.rumos.com/ ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                the doesn't-need-Flash http://qwer.org/tvsellout/

         TV>> end of the decent holiday movie season is officially 
         heralded by model-helicopter assassination nonsense SHADOW 
         CONSPIRACY (11.15pm, Fri, BBC1), low-budget Cronenberg armpit 
         porn RABID (12midnight, Fri, C4), and C5's near-annual showing 
         of Russ Meyer's FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (12midnight, Fri, 
         C5)... Sky1 shows Trek movies IV-VI (9pm, Fri-Sun, Sky1) as a 
         build-up to the UK debut of ENTERPRISE (8pm, Mon, Sky1) - does 
         the dialogue not refer to the shower scene so they could get 
         script approval from any surviving Rodenberrys?... C5's 
         Nicolas Cage Wig-Out-Scene season begins with BIRDY (10.55pm, 
         Sat, C5) and continues with Michael Bay's bioweapons bonanza 
         THE ROCK (9pm, Tue, C5)... Falklands War anniversary repeat 
         EXOCET (8.05pm, Sat, C4) isn't as good as the BBC's "Decisive 
         Weapons" one about the Sea Harrier... and Harry Knowles-
         championed "Red Dwarf"-alike SPACE TRUCKERS (12.35am, Sat, 
         BBC1) is just as bad as that sounds... SEX LIFE (10pm, Sun, 
         BBC2) earth-shatteringly reveals people are having more sex 
         than ever before, despite evidence to the contrary in pompous 
         Arthurian epic EXCALIBUR (9pm, Sun, C5)... BIG TRAIN (9.30pm, 
         Mon, BBC2) gets another series, for no readily apparent 
         reason... it's "Jonathan on Jonathan" when Ronson reveals THE 
         DOUBLE LIFE OF JONATHAN KING (10pm, Mon, C4)... and almost 
         everyone except the bad guys are playing themselves in Howard 
         Stern biopic PRIVATE PARTS (11.20pm, Mon, C4)... Tue sees two 
         pugilistic glimpses behind-the-scenes, with Muhammad Ali docu 
         classic WHEN WE WERE KINGS (10.15pm, Tue, C4) and, more 
         puzzlingly, LION BATTLEFIELD (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... Thu is tough 
         for fans of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, with the haunting "The 
         Body" episode at 6.45pm on BBC2, and the mildly disappointing 
         season 6 resurrection at 8pm on Sky1... RAIDERS OF THE LOST 
         ARK (8pm, Thu, BBC1) shows "Lord Of The Rings" how it should 
         be done... while BBC2's ever-popular "Attachments" appears to 
         have been replaced by a surefire ratings-winner about genetic 
         diseases, BITTER INHERITANCE (9.50pm, Thu, BBC2)... 
         
         FILM>> goofy Owen Wilson is excellently miscast - or is he?  
         - in flawed-ending gung-ho Bosnian romp BEHIND ENEMY LINES 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/behindenemylines.htm : 
         vulgar gesture; defiance of direct orders; reckless gunfire; 
         order to abandon serviceman to prevent risking peace effort; 
         battle brutality and coldness)... David "Twin Peaks" Lynch 
         serves up his usual overlong mix of baffling surrealism and 
         attractive unknowns in repurposed TV-pilot MULLHOLLAND DRIVE 
         (http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Mulholland+Drive : 
         [Naomi "Jet Girl" Watts] is brightly lit and offers several 
         good, lingering shots of her firm, perky breasts. In addition, 
         this cute blonde is actually a very good actress, both with 
         and without clothes. She makes the two and a half hours of 
         this David Lynch-directed nightmare bearable to watch)... or 
         Robert Redford takes on brutal prisoner governor Tony Soprano 
         in A-Team-style feelgood military cliche-fest THE LAST CASTLE 
         (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/lastcastle.htm : Finally,  
         a prison movie with no male nudity or homosexual rape)... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                                   "back now"
            http://web.ukonline.co.uk/sotcaa/35_xmasbook_deb02.html
      (plus, censorship fans, didn't this used to end with "Legs Broken"?)
           http://web.ukonline.co.uk/sotcaa/19_xmasbook_brooker.html 
  

                                 NEED TO KNOW
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