_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "The 54-year-old owner of an Apple PowerBook - festooned with
Grateful Dead bumper stickers - sat down to chai tea in his
rent-controlled apartment overlooking San Francisco. *Donning
black leather pants*, cowboy boots, a turquoise necklace and a
cell phone earplug, the self-declared 'techno hippie' talked
to CNET News.com about dot-communism, cattle ranching and the
hallucinations of the masses." [our emphasis]
- Oi, Barlow! Get your trousers on - the straights are here...
>> HARD NEWS <<
Forget Bob Dylan, Tony Bennett, Billy Joel - the most moving
performance at this week's GRAMMY AWARDS came from old-time
crooner Michael Greene, President of the National Academy of
Recording Arts & Sciences, who waxed lyrical on the subject of
the "comfort, solace and sweet celebration" that "the power of
music" brings to the world. But then the lighting changed, the
backing switched to monks chanting over a gothic trip-hop beat
and, striding through the dry ice swirling across the stage,
Greene went on to rap about how he'd personally witnessed the
hood's darker side, where MP3 fans stole bands' livelihoods
"one digital file at a time" - it's "out of control and oh so
criminal", he wailed. The number ended with a cautionary tale
of three kids he knew who fell in with a bad crowd, downloaded
thousands of songs in a Morpheus binge, and are now presumably
in the custody of the relevant authorities. Tragically, we
don't have an audio recording of this potential floor-filler,
but if anyone out there does, wouldn't it make a great remix
anthem for our "World Wide Web/ of theft and indifference"?
Also, from the way things are going, it sounds like he might
just appreciate the royalties.
- been spending most my life/ livin' in a Napster's paradise
- in accordance with last week's "Geek Media" prophecy
We always thought the biggest danger to placing WiFi
antennae on the roof was the pancake-shaped radiation
pattern of those darned omnis. Well, let this be a lesson in
perspective (and sadly, parallax). ROB FLICKENGER, 802.11
advocate and handy author of O'Reilly's "Building Wireless
Community Networks" nearly did a Rod Hull last week, falling
from two floors up while setting up a point-to-point net
link. He's out of the hospital now, but spent some time in
intensive surgery to fix some serious internal injuries. As
we all know, there's no Nutshell guide for that. "No amount
of bandwidth is worth your physical harm", say the O'Reilly
kids. We're not backtracking that far: but please do send
someone else up instead of you. You know what you're like.
- wouldn't happen to that Cringely chap. He thinks he can fly.
It's the retro game artifact you emulate on your printer!
After a hiatus of seven years, popular Commodore childish
thing ZZAP64 is back! A dot-for-dot prepress continuation of
the iconic eighties games mag, it would be churlish to
report that the hi-res file is over thirty megs (482,031
times more than the unexpanded 64 could handle) in
6502-unreadable PDF format. The point is perfect
verisimilitude. So, making their reappearance, good or bad:
Ken D. Fish and his "helper" - old Zzap editor Gordon
Houghton, POKE pages, caricatures of gurning thumb-raising
journalists, kneejerk dissing of Amiga and Spectrum users
who don't know the war is over, letters that conclude
that "Despite all the anti-aliased 3D flashiness of today,
there still isn't anything to touch Paradroid", and a very
senile White Wizard. New aspects to the magazine include
soft-erotica adverts for Emily "Bits" Booth's "memorabilia"
Website (presumably filling in for the absence of Miss
Whiplash), and over a dozen C64 fanatics who have
desperately fantasised about being on the Zzap contributor's
list for over a decade. In some ways, it's a bit like
watching Paul Darrow reprise Avon with no budget and a
ship-full of aging, grinning, Blake's 7 fans.
- so that's okay then
- life imitates...
- which of course is what Timelash was
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
http://www.webjemdesign.com/links.htm links to Emma Noble,
whois webjemdesign.com implies - is it *the* JAMES MAJOR?...
http://www.ctw.co.uk/ not updated for a month now - uh-oh...
all the professionalism you'd expect from the "Seach" field:
http://www.alljobs.co.uk/list_jobs.php3 ... "Like this BBC
Emergency Information Service page? Send it to a friend!":
http://www.bbc.co.uk/159/ ... best known for slaughtering the
opposition: http://www.ntk.net/2002/03/01/dohmilo.png ... ass
probed: http://www.ntk.net/2002/03/01/dohass.png ... hairy-
bellied YAHOO traveller goes on epic trek to find own navel:
... classic spellcheck humour - but with a modern telco twist:
http://www.ntk.net/2002/03/01/dohho.png ... sod the ratings,
what do you make of all the Invalid Tags lower down the page?
... YAHOO NEWS ignores statute of limitations on dinosaur
crimes: http://www.ntk.net/2002/03/01/dohrex.png ... look,
could you just http://www.shutthefuckup.com/ about cheese?...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
LONDON 2600 appear to be tipping The Countryside Alliance to
win the hotly contested "Most Invasive Company" category at
Monday's BIG BROTHER UK AWARDS (from 6pm, 2002-03-04, the
LSE's Hong Kong Theatre, London WC2). This seems largely on
the strength of the pro-hunting lobby's enthusiasm for storing
the "Habits", "Sexual life" and "Criminal intelligence" of
current, past and potential offenders, competitors, students,
minors and anyone else they don't like the look of, right down
there at the end of their lengthy entry in the Data Protection
Register. Now, according to this online search facility, event
organisers Privacy International don't appear to have a DPR
entry themselves, so does that mean anyone can just turn up
and claim to already be on their list?
- your Government Organisation is "Most Heinous", dude
- go on, search for "Privacy International"...
- of course, some of us are more "potential" than others
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
And what will happen when the revolution comes, and all
those Windows users are put against the wall? More than was
bargained for, suggests DEAD MAN'S SWITCH. Distributed by
Ars "too platform-independent to last the dawn" Technica,
and written by Ars forum member Aryeh Holzer (no relation to
Jenny), this Windows service is the anti-cronjob. Once
configured, it'll sit in the background, and unless you
reset its clock every week (or month, or day, by your
command), it'll assume you've been offed and proceed to
encrypt incriminating files, send e-mail to friends,
relatives and enemies, and - of course - enter "Posthumous
Coward" postings to your favourite Web forums. This does
rather depend on your uptime being shorter than that of your
Windows server. But we can see to that.
- by the author of CoolMon!
- how knowing is this whole "ars" thing, anyway?
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ I fancy your mum: http://www.figleaves.com/mothers_presents/
... pay Rob Malda, or elope with http://alterslash.org/ ?...
make GAUSS RIFLEs for kids and soon only kids will have Gauss
... can we have a "who the hell are either of them?" option:
http://www.aolwatch.org/annetteq.htm ... new IMAC = ultimate
joss-stick holder?... THE PAROLE OFFICER gets reception it
deserves: http://www.doyourecall.co.uk/ ... Grand Prix World
Championship company http://www.grandprix.com/ns/ns05715.html
maybe should have checked http://www.gpwc.com first... MS
Oxymoron: http://thinks.com/words/oxymorons.htm ... hang on,
what if all the job ads people have been posting are trolls?:
... http://www.mobilespam.com/ ... the modern KEVIN WARWICK
family: http://www.miami.com/mld/miami/news/2654727.htm ...
... no idea what PANASONIC are selling here, but we want one:
http://newtown.hi-ho.ne.jp/raibo/raidersei/image/agency/cm/mail.swf >> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> according to billings, former-Wired-UK-reviewer-turned-
novelist Hari Kunzru is standing in for either Tom Paulin or
Tony Parsons (or both) on tonight's NEWSNIGHT REVIEW (11pm,
Fri, BBC2) - prompting Ray Bradbury to propose the destruction
of all literature in FAHRENHEIT 451 (1.05am, Fri, BBC2)...
Graham "Father Ted" Linehan's been written out of the new
series of BLACK BOOKS (9.30pm, Fri, C4)... and the only "Tim
Hyam" we could spot on Google writes for Global Investor
Magazine, probably a different one to the "webcam protester"
profiled on WATCH ME (2am, Fri, C4)... following another
showing of semi-"Star Wars" inspiration 633 SQUADRON (5.25pm,
Sat, BBC2), BBC2 celebrates the departure of all its ratings-
unfriendly serious documentaries to somewhere where even fewer
people will watch them, in a simultaneous transmission of the
launch of BBC4 (from 7pm, Sat, BBC2)... though you'll need
digital to catch dotcom disaster docu STARTUP.COM later in the
week (10.15pm, Mon, BBC4 KNOWLEDGE or whatever it's called)...
and ITV marks the occasion by scheduling one of its dumbest
line-ups of all time, kicking off with MR BEAN: THE ANIMATED
SERIES (5.50pm, Sat, ITV)... Sally "Fist Of Fun" Phillips is
reunited with Emma "Nostradamus" Kennedy in magazine-based
workplace comedy-drama RESCUE ME (9pm, Sun, BBC1) - still,
maybe it's a magazine about conspiracy theories and video
games... BBC2 uses critically-acclaimed realtime-gimmick US
action ratings-flop 24 (10pm, Sun, BBC2) as a lead-in for the
Christ-is-this-still-going? season 8 of THE X-FILES (10.45pm,
Sun, BBC2)... while Gene Roddenberry's posthumous ANDROMEDA
(4.45pm, Sun, C4) makes "Stargate SG-1" look sophisticated...
ITV2 takes on Paramount's early-evening "Seinfelds" with
repeats of the previous night's peerless LATE SHOW WITH DAVID
LETTERMAN (7pm, weekdaily from Tue, ITV2), as shown on CBS two
days earlier... hopefully someone will point out that she's
not the only person who can post "poems" to her site at some
point during WHEN LOUIS MET ANNE WIDDECOMBE (9pm, Tue, BBC2)
... and, to commemorate the long-postponed return of the ever-
appalling ATTACHMENTS (10pm, Wed, BBC2), here's one of Justin
"Mike" Pierre's earlier, more rigorously researched roles:
FILM>>> Richard Gere and Laura "Congo" Linney don't trap the
monster by getting him to bash his head over and over again
against an enormous lightbulb, in daft "based on true events"
sixties-set extended-X-Files episode THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES
( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/mothmanprophecies.htm :
graphic eye injuries; disaster mayhem; female nudity behind a
steamy shower door; unholy presences; inexplicable stoppage of
all electrical devices; appearance of dead wife [Debra "Will &
Grace" Messing])... Kevin Spacey is so dour he expects Judi
Dench and Julianne "The Lost World" Moore to cheer him up by
telling "Newfie" jokes http://www.nfldproducts.com/jokes/ , in
weatherbeaten smalltown newspaper weepie THE SHIPPING NEWS
( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/the_shipping_news.html :
[Cate Blanchett] shows some cleavage in several scenes; we see
most of her butt in her thong bottom, covered by transparent
fishnet stockings)... and Larry "Kids" Clark continues his
potentially unhealthy interest in teenage hi-jinks in real-
life "Wild Things" low-budget murder exploitation romp BULLY
( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Bully+%282001%29 :
while most of the explicit nudity in this movie is female, the
camera spends a lot of time panning on the boyishly smooth
skin of the male stars; as [Nick "Disturbing Behavior" Stahl]
is being given a blowjob by Bijou ["Almost Famous"] Philips,
his butt is seen for an extended period)...
THE "VICTORIAN AFFECTATION">> in accordance with NTK prophecy
[2001-06-08], we can confirm that Greg Egan's SCHILD'S LADDER
marks an almost entirely satisfactory return to the superhard
humanist s/f of his previous masterwork "Permutation City",
but with bits of "The Fermata" and "Fantastic Voyage" mixed in
there as well. But try to avoid as many plot spoilers as you
can (like on the back cover); "This will be Greg Egan's
breakout book" the publishers fondly imagine, under the
impression that there's nothing a mainstream audience enjoys
more than two or three pages of made-up theoretical physics
before getting into the plot... "Permutation City" continues
to hang on in our bestsellers chart http://www.ntk.net/books/
which also features strong showings from Don DeLillo's "Who
will die first?" classic WHITE NOISE, Charlie Brooker's filth-
packed TV GO HOME, and the recently re-released "drug-crazed
Tolkien-parody" [NTK 2001-12-14] BORED OF THE RINGS, prompting
reader MARTIN BACON to point out that "[it] is not a parody.
It is a burlesque, and a pretty crude one. The whole point of
a parody is that you get well into it before realising the
original is being sent up, not have it rammed down your throat
on page 1 para 1. The authors admit this in the introduction,
when they say they could have written a parody but didn't"...
our favourite among the (ever-varied) multimedia purchases
threatens to be ME FIRST & THE GIMME GIMMES' "Are A Drag" CD
- on the strength of its Gnutella search suggestions alone -
as the band threaten to rival THE MR T EXPERIENCE with this
album of ska-punk covers of popular showtunes. Alan Moore is
well-represented by new graphic novel compilation TOP TEN and
his timeless THE COMPLETE D.R. AND QUINCH, though reader BEN
MOOR has now backed down from his blanket recommendation of
DARK KNIGHT 2, admitting that it's "bonkers" and pinning his
hopes on the eventual conclusion of Warren Ellis' MINISTRY OF
SPACE instead. And finally, proving that amusing Amazon reader
reviews aren't dead, they've just moved into other genres, DAN
CALLADINE was tickled by the entries for that noted "triumph
of post-instrumentalist cinema" BEN DOVER - ENGLISH PORNO
- praised for its "existential anguish" and "a twist not seen
since the Usual Suspects", and not imitating The Onion at all:
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"now come the metafilter death threats"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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