_   _ _____ _  __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_   _| |/ / _ __   __2002-10-04_ o join! mail an empty message to
|  \| | | | | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
| |\  | | | | . \ | | | | (_) \ v  v /  o website (+ archive) lives at:
|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/   o     http://www.ntk.net/


        "Dade Murphy, who is listed as a primary contact for Burn, did
         not respond to repeated requests for comment..."
              http://www.wired.com/news/politics/0,1283,55450,00.html
          ...other fictional characters from the movie "Hackers" have
                         also failed to return calls as of press time


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               currently 3s and 2s

         Any sufficiently opaque process on the Net eventually gets
         described as "weather". This week a hurricane hit the
         rankings of Google search terms. Every month, Google tweaks
         its algorithms and reloads its database, shuffling sites
         into a new world order in a move known to those who care as
         the "Google Dance". This month, though, the music was
         particularly thrash metal. Long-time top-rankers plummetted
         from the front page of search results into the far hellish
         reaches of "oooogle". It hit bloggers, whose
         hyperlink-o-hypertrophia had previously made them Google's
         kingmakers. And it hit the Search Engine Optimisers, whose
         voodoo schemes to make you - yes, you, Widget Maker of Iowa,
         #1 ranking for "+sex +iowa" - were sorely screwed by
         plummeting rankings. More importantly though - anecdotal
         evidence suggest that search results for ordinary users seem
         to be a bit off, too. Broken sites, obvious spams, and
         irrelevant sites are dotting people's first hits. Of course,
         anecdotes don't count for jack: but now that Google has
         gathered so much power, and moves in such mysterious ways,
         conjecture's all that's left. We mortals can just sit and
         watch the clouds gather. Who knows what Google wrought?
         http://www.webmasterworld.com/forum3/5688.htm
   - "Google's penalty literally took food out of my families mouth"!
         http://diveintomark.org/#when_an_engineer_flaps_his_wings
- what's the world coming to when you can't depend on Google for eminem?
         http://www.google.com/search?q=kevin+warwick
                                                  - still number one!

         In what we assume isn't a "Faking IT"-style scheme to turn a
         Linux sysadmin into a contemporary digital artist, Sheffield's
         REDUNDANT TECHNOLOGY INITIATIVE are seeking applications for a
         two-week (paid!) residency this November at their attractive
         Access Space free media lab, ideally making use of their
         extensive stocks of recycled/reclaimed "redundant" technology
         and open source software. You'd have to run a workshop,
         presentation and online diary about what you've created during
         that space of time, but other than that, they sound amazingly
         open-minded about what you could have a go at. Deadline for
         applications is next Friday 2002-10-11, mail tamar@lowtech.org
         for further info - and, if you are lucky enough to be chosen,
         maybe you could stick a couple of updates on their website,
         assuming they give you access to the servers and you have a
         spare moment or two.
         http://www.access.lowtech.org/
          - those "Elite" t-shirt royalties clearly going to good use

         Like Seinfeld says: "There's no way that moving in with your
         parents is a sign that your life is right on track... Yeah,
         things are going great, I've met a terrific girl, I've got a
         great job, I'm making a lot of money and, if everything goes
         according to plan, I'm going to be moving back in with my
         parents". However, let us emphasise that there are entirely
         sensible reasons for THE REGISTER to leave their prestigious
         central London office address, as happened this week, and
         (temporarily) operate as a "virtual" workplace from various
         safehouses dotted around the country. First of all, the lease
         was up; the landlord wants to convert the office into flats or
         somesuch; and we imagine the rent for 20-22 Maddox Street, in
         the heart of London's fashionable Mayfair, was really quite
         something. But put away your concerns over "the end of an era"
         and potential impact on the local economy - rest assured that
         the team will now officially be carrying out their most
         important business from pubs in the area, instead of it
         sometimes just seeming that way.
         http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/62/26148.html
                - just down the road from the sign saying "Golf Sale"


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         SMALL BUSINESS SERVER is "dog", "bites", admits "Microsft":
         http://ad.au.doubleclick.net/527362/728x90_dog_sbs1.swf (needs
         Flash, sorry)... QUEEN keeps distance from manual labourer:
         http://www.pch.gc.ca/royalvisit2002/1959-2_e.cfm (proper
         caption at: http://www.pch.gc.ca/royalvisit2002/1951-2_e.cfm )
         ... "and our servers seem to be in no hurry to process them":
         http://www.ntk.net/2002/10/04/dohhurry.gif ... "WOW! There are
         a lot of you wanting to use [the heavily publicised 'Future of
         Music'] at the moment - please come back later if it's slow":
         http://www.digitaldownloadday.com/retailers.htm ... APPLE
         unveil 120MB drive: http://www.ntk.net/2002/10/04/dohmeg.gif -
         can store 2 viruses: http://www.ntk.net/2002/10/04/doh50.gif
         ... fairly accurate paraphrase of most guestbook contents:
         http://xsls.com/?11 ... not the kind of "abuse" they had in
         mind: http://www.ntk.net/2002/10/04/dohhear.gif ... the stink
         of privatisation: http://www.ntk.net/2002/10/04/dohsmell.gif ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Former sysadmin and AMIGA POWER contributor MIL MILLINGTON
         will be telling how his site THINGS MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE
         ARGUED ABOUT went from being ripped off by the Mail On Sunday
         to a column in Guardian Weekend and a semi-autobiographical
         campus comedy novel at next Wednesday's DORKBOT LONDON (from
         7pm, Wed 2002-10-09, mystery venue near "the top of Brick
         Lane", London E2, free) - and no doubt signing copies into the
         bargain. The line up also includes spoof truth-manufacturing
         motivational speaker www.muti.tv , and the enigmatic "yaxu"
         demonstrating "animal.pl" - further details should appear on
         the Dorkbot site next week, or just go to the junction with
         Bethnal Green Rd and you'll be redirected, like it was an
         illicit programming rave or something.
         http://dorkbot.org/dorkbotlondon/
             - precautions to prevent his girlfriend from finding out
         http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/
               - vs http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02001-02-16&l=23#l
         http://www.linuxexpo.co.uk/
                    - pop by after visiting Olympia's Linux Expo 2002
         http://www.strangeattractor.co.uk/megalithomania.html
              - next weekend: rockin' with Iain Sinclair and the gang


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         CAMELBONES, Sherm Pendley's Perl to Cocoa bridge for MacOS
         X, has all the looks of a standard sourceforge project:
         half-written website written in barebones HTML, low version
         numbers, couple of unmarked downloads. Install it, though,
         and it's another story. Tight integration with the Mac's
         Project Builder, ridiculously complete API support - it's an
         amazing piece of work that's fast becoming the official Perl
         environment for the running-dog turncoat Switchers of the
         Unix world. Dan "Stakhanovite of Perl" Sugalski is writing a
         book on it, even Apple have been heard to recommend it.
         About the only thing it's missing is sub-classing, which
         Thank The Lord, just isn't the big deal in Objective C that
         it is in other, more crack-inspired OOP languages. Rumour
         has it that this will be fixed in 0.3, due in November. That
         is, unless Jobs is planning to have Sherm killed beforehand,
         for being Too Clever Outside The Cupertino Campus.
         http://camelbones.sf.net/
         - hubris: a virtue in Perl, a criminal offence outside Apple


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         SPECTRUM emulator authors still have plenty of new directions
         to explore: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/simon.owen/lenskey/
         ... almost as plausible as: http://www.degenatron.com/ ...
         yeah, but didn't Atari VCS cartridges used to cost 60 quid or
         something?: http://www.fairplay-campaign.co.uk/front.htm - vs
         http://www.ilikecake.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/campaign/ ... it's
         clearly short for "home-made" - whatever you were thinking:
         http://www.wisconsin-cherries.org/beashomadeproducts.html ...
         snaxx0rs 4 haxx0rs: http://walkers.corpex.com/cr15p5/ ... no
         mention of his sidekick, "Salt": http://www.vinegarman.com/
         ... this week's Finnish spoof fundamentalist rant against
         roleplaying, ice hockey: http://www.co.jyu.fi/~np/gameofsatan/
         ... the BOBBIT will "easily slice through meat and bones":
         http://www.internetcookshop.com/viewdetail.asp?prodcode=HR919
         ... what appears to be your favourite double entendre of the
         week: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/2282603.stm ,
         http://www.nme.com/news/102458.htm - see <TITLE> tag...


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> ITV wheels out hooker-free "Pretty Woman" non-sequel
         RUNAWAY BRIDE (8.30pm, ITV, BBC1) against new BBC pop search
         FAME ACADEMY (8.30pm, Fri, BBC1)... it's a dire action movie
         weekend with Liz Hurley hilarity PASSENGER 57 (9pm, Fri, C5),
         John Woo misfire HARD TARGET (11pm, Fri, BBC1), and Armstrong
         and Miller idiocy PLUNKETT & MACLEANE (10.20pm, Sat, C4)... as
         it's left to C5 to schedule the weirdest film of the week,
         hillbilly nipple-taping surrealism-fest GUMMO (2.25am, Fri,
         C5)... should be interesting to see if they use the codeword
         "Nigger" in THE DAM BUSTERS (3pm, Sun, ITV) this time around:
     http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493,504037,00.html
         ... K-911 (6.30pm, Sun, C5) is a sequel to James Belushi
         police dog comedy "K-9", not a prequel to Harrison Ford Soviet
         sub thriller "K-19: The Widowmaker"... Nic Cage wigs out over
         the degrading world of snuff pornography in 8MM (10pm, Sun,
         C4)... and BRITAIN'S FAVOURITE HOAXER (9pm, Mon, C4) turns out
         to be some guy who gets himself into team photographs, rather
         than, say, Chris Morris or something... A MAN'S BEST FRIEND
         (10pm, Mon, C4) is, of course, yet another show about penises
         ... WEB RATS (1.30am, Mon, BBC Choice) threatens to be a
         "comical internet review show" from the "Cyderdelic" gang:
http://www.offthekerb.co.uk/artists/b_artists_home.jsp?artist=cyderdelic
         ... but in a week of big-name sci-fi - including STAR WARS
         EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (8pm, Tue, ITV) and THE
         MATRIX (9pm, Thu, C5) - Verhoeven's magnificent libertarian
         parody STARSHIP TROOPERS (9pm, Mon, C5) still stands supreme
         ... Dwight "Howlin' Mad Murdock" Schultz *is* Bob Oppenheimer
         in Manhattan-project docu-drama SHADOW MAKERS (8pm, Tue,
         C5)... Victorian Whitstable is the glamorous starting point
         for lipstick lesbian costume romp TIPPING THE VELVET (9pm,
         Wed, BBC2)... while THE GREAT STINK (8pm, Thu, C5) is
         presented by Big Brother producer Peter Bazalgette as a
         tribute to his ancestor, Victorian sewer pioneer Sir Joseph
         Bazalgette - hopefully introduced by the continuity announcer
         explaining: while previous Bazalgettes specialised in piping
         shit out of your home, the current generation seems to prefer
         piping shit into it...

         FILM>> it's the first of a couple of movies this month which
         implicitly advocate switching to some sort of digital camera
         http://www.fox.co.uk/comps/one_hour_photo2.html - features
         include 2 megapixel resolution, 2x optical zoom, not having
         your family stalked by creepily diligent Robin Williams, as
         happens in ONE HOUR PHOTO ( http://www.cndb.com/ : Gorgeous,
         French-born "Alias" star [Michael Vartan] shows off everything
         as he gets out of bed naked. A natural, un-buffed body, nice
         butt, and a surprisingly large, full penis)... Disney tone
         down the cute a little, squeeze some decent jokes into groovy
         Hawaii sci-fi LILO AND STITCH ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk :
         Distributor chose to remove sight of dangerous activity which
         might be copied by young children - child character emerging
         from a hiding place inside a washing machine or tumble drier -
         in order to achieve a U)... otherwise, with the possible
         exception of cross-dressing basketball slapstick JUWANNA MAN
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/juwanna_mann.html :
         Vivica A. Fox shows some cleavage; some lesbian comments and
         innuendo are made), it's a bunch of movies which inexplicably
         haven't been released in the US yet, the most promising being
         Jennifer "Cleopatra 2525" Sky "Big Brother"-style containment
         horror MY LITTLE EYE ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Contains
         strong language, violence and sex)... Ken Loach provides a
         characteristically bittersweet portrayal of teen Glaswegian
         heroin dealing in SWEET SIXTEEN ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ :
         Contains very strong language), or it's Vivica A. Fox (again),
         Cuba Gooding Jr, Roger Moore, and Ken "Peugeot ads" Campbell?
         - together at last! - in homophobic one-joke gross-out BOAT
         TRIP ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : Contains strong language and
         comic sex references)...

         CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> so we finally get our hands on sugar-
         free fruity apostrophes STARBURST FRUITINESSE (from 49p), only
         to discover that if you hand them out at parties, the flip-top
         plastic tube makes people assume they're some kind of drugs.
         That said, the blackcurrant/ strawberry/ mandarin/ apple
         flavours do indeed "Wake up your mouth", causing reader JAMES
         CRONIN to ponder if they were intended as "a rival" to WONKA
         NERDS? Other non-disappointments include white chocolate's
         most sophisticated incarnation yet, CADBURY DREAM SNOW BITES
         ("White chocolate with a whipped mousse centre containing
         honeycombed pieces"), but CADBURY MYE ("Whipped cream flavour
         mousse and roasted cocoa nib truffle centre") was just pipped
         at the post for this month's accolade of "Taste Abomination"
         by the new green-foil-packaging CADBURY BOOST WITH GLUCOSE AND
         GUARANA, nominated by RICHARD CHENG for combining the old
         Boost experience with "a nasty fake cherry flavour and a
         slightly bitter aftertaste". Though an honourable mention goes
         to BENDICKS for their boxed twist-wrap "Milk, dark, white &
         marbled chocolates with a hint of mint", to which they've
         given the truly terrible name of MINGLES... over in drinks 'n'
         savouries, there does appear to be a thin, but genuine, non-
         reprocessed slice of meat in the MCDONALDS STEAK PREMIERE
         SANDWICH (from around UKP2.49), yet the abuse continues to
         flood in for DIET COKE LEMON ("like drinking ordinary coke
         through a Kentucky Fried Chicken Handwipe" - STEF MAGDALINSKI)
         - does no-one have any similar complaints over PEPSI LEMON
         TWIST? And our sympathies to JAMES HINCHLIFFE, who found the
         resemblance of STREAKY BACON QUAVERS to "the flayed hide of
         Bagpuss" both "uncanny" and "distressing" - and leaving what
         they actually taste like to our fevered imaginations... on the
         international scene, DAN BURGESS recommended ALTOIDS CITRUS
         SOURS ("truly delightful breath mints that I have only seen in
         Pennsylvania this summer"), but there's still plenty of fun
         stuff to look out for over here, as CADBURY take on MCVITIES
         MUNCH BITES with their own range of pocket-sized MIGHTY MINIS.
         But "hot and spicy" is the real theme of autumn, with SPICY
         COCKTAIL AIRWAVES GUM, PEPPARAMI MINICHEDDARS, MCCAIN HOT
         CRISPS (which you cook in the microwave), plus the long-
         awaited return of last year's limited edition MONSTER MUNCH
         which turned your mouth blue [NTK 2001-09-07] - the innovation
         being that it now turns it blue or green, and you have to
         stick your tongue out to find out which. It's called the
         "Mystery Tongue" Monster Munch variant - what else?...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                              "an enormous cornet"
                            http://www.antics.org.uk/

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
                         Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
              Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net
                Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
  NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/

                          (K) 2002 Special Projects.
             Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/

                    Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com
             All communication is for publication, unless you beg.
              Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com
     Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material.
       Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
              Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.