_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2002-05-10_ o join! mail an empty message to
| \| | | | | ' / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / o firstname.lastname@example.org
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "You probably don't remember me, but I haven't forgotten
you. So you're still into your wanky dungeons and dragons
shit... Clearly you have lived up to your full potential: a
self-obsessed arsehole with bad kidneys. Oh yes Rowlands, I
fucking know who you are... So why am I emailing you? Just
to let you know that you can't leave your past behind..."
"Me and my net stalker"
- not quite the "Contact from Friends Reunited" you were hoping for
>> HARD NEWS <<
yabba dabba doo
"Wow, what a line-up!" comments reader BEN LAMB of EXTREME
COMPUTING: THE NTK/MUTE FESTIVAL OF INAPPROPRIATE TECHNOLOGY
(from 11am, Sunday 2002-06-09, Camden Centre, London, UKP3) -
and that's before we've added all the extra-special surprise
guests, the exact nature of whose participation is being
confirmed even as you are reading this. Still, the now mildly
informative site should provide some flavour of the delights
in store: PAUL "Z LAB" GRANJON on putting the insides of a
electronic parrot toy into a German sausage; ADAM "AL Digital"
LAURIE emerging from his nuclear bunker to introduce a video
about the C64 demo scene; and some guys from THE REGISTER
drinking the bar dry, if their previous form is anything to
go by. Please note that, to avoid Essential-Festival-style
disappointment, this line-up may be subject to unavoidable
change: the new issue of cyberzine BLACK ICE, for instance,
should be ready by then assuming that their backer has got the
money together; top-rated rogue Amazon reviewer HENRY RADDICK
must juggle other engagements, including "a wedding" the day
before. But this is just the tip of the iceberg - we still
need: someone to talk about the Russian ZX cloning scene;
volunteers to move tables, install Linux, and (currently under
discussion) hire themselves out as a "geek slave"; and,
obviously, anyone else who does interesting weird-tech things,
or sells stuff like http://www.coolcasemods.com/ , but isn't
based in fricking Scotland.
- we're joking of course (Edinburgh's only 4-5 hours away)
- and now that you've not got this
- we can probably incorporate this
What's the apocrophyal Slashdot saying? "Geeks aren't
interested in politics because government doesn't double its
efficiency and speed once every 18 months." Careful what you
ask for: In just one week, STATEWATCH has uncovered an
attempt by the bad bit of the EU to fast-track
continent-wide retention of all traffic data; The HOUSE OF
LORDS has set upon patching the old 1990 Computer Misuse Act
to forbid denial-of-service attacks. And what's this? The
FSA is now allowing anyone with a million Euro to set up
their own electronic currency? Can we have a recess now?
- hold onto your hats. also, your logs.
- so now we can have failed convictions for another crime
- look Wendy, we said before: put your money *away*
As you may have feared, the temptation to audioshop MICHAEL
GREENE'S televised Grammy speech has proved difficult for
some remixers to resist, with what can only be described as
a "myriod" of modified versions now circulating online.
Here's just a few that we've stumbled across so far - Greene
may have resigned as head of the Grammy organisation (for
reasons seemingly unrelated to the "jeering" he endured),
and yet his prophetic words about file-sharing threaten to
live on, one way or the other.
- citing "philosophical differences"
- "the fan - that would be you - is at serious risk"
- more industrial, good snare bit
- a capella "Death to the RIAA" satire
- "the RIAA is the most insidious virus"...
- Saint Etienne and Friends
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
the lights are off: http://www.itv-digital.co.uk/ , but MONKEY
- and his zany nonstop antics - appear to be still at home:
... GUARDIAN declares right-winger hunting season "open":
http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/10/dohpim.gif ... inspired by
<TITLE> tag, this week's apparently widespread GOOGLE goof:
"He'll have no trouble voicing his love for you in this
exquisite basque", enthuses cross-dressing lingerie site:
... "[VEGEMITE] was made from many essential ingredients apart
from yeast extract. One of the main ones was Fred Walker"
admits http://www.vegemite.com.au/bornbread.asp?area=6 , the
original SOYLENT BROWN... 3M's PDF files even cleverer than
you'd thought: http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/10/doh3m.gif ...
promises "True Plug & Pray Installation"... spot the spelling
mistake: http://www.dyslexia.uk.com/page67.html ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
It's THE O'REILLY EMERGING TECH CONFERENCE all next week,
but don't bother taking a sickie, because this time it's
"decentralised" itself over in California. And God knows
you'll read it all painstakingly repeated on the blogs
anyway. Main topics covered are the three Ws: Web Services,
WiFi and Warez - sorry, P2P. Lots of great speakers (because
reading out TODO files to a rapt audience is the only way
unemployed genii can afford to travel these days, worse
luck), plus the usual low-flying analysts spinning the meme
props for another barnstorm - with an commendably high
number of NTK regulars in both camps. Heck, it's even got
famed 2000AD competition winner/playboy BBC
webdesigner/Yahoo Serious lookalike Matt Jones leading a
BOF! Just to deaden the atmosphere, NTK's own
governor-in-exile Danny O'Brien is inviting all to his
"Emerging Duplex" house-warming in the nearby Fortress of
Bitterness that week... and, no doubt, hitting you up for a
lift to a Clones showing. He'll be in one of the NTK
corporate T-shirts. Keep him away from the buffet.
- mugshots look like a photoshopping waiting to happen
- back in the UK, online film co-op start charging
- onedotzero CGI/Japanimation festival baffling as ever
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
You know those scenes in movies where they've finally nabbed
the evil shape-shifting metamorph, and it's thrashing around
in its final death throes, transmuting from one form to
another - husky, lycanthrope, fourth Dr Who, Sarah Connor,
Mrs Thatcher and back? We get the feeling this is what's
happening with the condemned Perl5 codebase. Desperately
trying to reform as Perl6, the organism has previously
attempted to assimilate all other languages (via Inline.pm).
Now BRIDGEKEEPER has assisted it in reforming as a Python
program. Goebul Consult's hybrid code will take most
current Perl programs and turn them into the most mongrel
Python code you ever did see. Proving that: you *can* write
unreadable Python code - if you have help. And You Can Not
Kill That Which Is Unmaintainable.
- you need to change Decomperl to Bridgekeeper in bridgekeeper.pm, line 210
- pathologically polluting perl
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ eMac made of "same material used to manufacture bulletproof
glass" http://www.apple.com/education/emac/ , yet brought to
its knees by the seductive siren-like singing of CELINE DION:
... yes, very nice, but where's the "severe lacerations to the
face" mod?: http://www.peterhirschberg.com/vertisim/ ...
... meanwhile: http://www.ashleypomeroy.com/onion.html vs
... http://www.macross2000.org/ probably more fun than, say:
http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/egm10.htm ... this week's generic
action figures: http://www.herobuilders.com/ ... "A survey
[...] in Trashigang detected 182 cases [...] in 4 out of the
dzongkhag's 16 geogs" - BHUTAN speaking fluent "Clockwork
Orange": http://www.kuenselonline.com/article.php?sid=1530 ...
considering popularity of Linux in Peru, is PADDINGTON BEAR
the new Tux? ("Please look after this software. Thank you")...
http://www.tasminarcher.com/ links to CLUETRAIN MANIFESTO...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> noted brainboxes Anne Robinson and Phillip Schofield
provide undemanding puzzle fun for audiences dumb enough to
believe in a unidimensional measure of intelligence in TEST
THE NATION - THE NATIONAL IQ TEST (8.10pm, Sat, BBC1) - vs:
http://www.martian.fm/iq.htm ... the pop-psych continues with
a look at THE STANFORD PRISON EXPERIMENT (10pm, Sat, BBC2),
and reality-TV re-enactment THE EXPERIMENT (9pm, Tue & Wed,
BBC2)... though, for digital viewers, there's always the
ultraviolent original BLADE (9pm, Sat, BBC Choice)... the
disappointing SUPERMAN III (1.35pm, Sun, BBC1) popularises the
"salami" bank fraud, inspiring the somewhat funnier "Office
Space": http://www.snopes2.com/business/bank/salami.htm ... an
unintentional double-bill of miniaturised submarine movies
sees FANTASTIC VOYAGE (2.55pm, Sun, C4) hotly pursued by
INNERSPACE (5pm, Sun, C5)... while THE LAST NAZI SECRET (8pm,
Sun, C4) appears to be "The Truth About Gay Nazis"... the
http://www.everyonehatesattachments.com/ gang are already
gearing up for MI5 workplace-drama SPOOKS (9pm, Mon, BBC1),
written by David Wolstencroft, who once adapted "Mad About
You" into "Loved By You" for the UK... overrated transgressive
comedy night features both THE DAY TODAY (10pm, Mon, BBC2) and
BRASS EYE SPECIAL (10.30pm, Mon, C4)... and Kirk Douglas,
Farrah Fawcett and Harvey Keitel give new meaning to the
"moons of Saturn" in Martin Amis' nudity-prone '80s sci-fi
SATURN 3 (11.35pm, Mon, BBC1)... our worst nightmare is that
Steven Soderbergh does a worse job of remaking "Solaris" than
Sharon Stone and Dustin Hoffman do in SPHERE (9pm, Tue, C5)...
it's surely only a matter of time before Daisy Donovan bumps
into Louis Theroux, Ruby Wax etc trying unsuitable jobs as she
auditions for a rock band in DAISY DAISY (10.30pm, Thu, C4)...
still, an alternative use for celebrities is suggested by
Roger Corman's surprisingly good sci-fi trash DEATH RACE 2000
(12.40am, Thu, C4)...
FILM>> it appears to be the "James King" who plays a nurse in
"Pearl Harbor", not the one who reviews films for Radio 1 -
http://www.dotcock.com/ - plus the guy who plays "Nick" from
"Freaks And Geeks" in this week's gross-out teen comedy
SLACKERS ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/slackers.html :
Jason Schwartzman runs the sponge over [Mamie Van Doren's]
bare breasts, even lifting them to sponge beneath them; James
King has a pleasured look on her face, and we then see [...]
what looked like just a glimpse of part of her bare breast;
Laura ["That '70s Show"] Prepon plays her roommate who uses
strong profanity, masturbates in front of a stranger and
apparently is involved in S&M behavior with some guy)... the
comedy-horror continues in (potentially unintentional?) Brit
military werewolf laugh-fest DOG SOLDIERS (Poster quote:
"JAWS, ALIENS, AND PREDATOR, WITH A WEREWOLF TWIST", explains
The Face, helpfully)... the Czechs do their own "Pearl Harbor"
in incorrect-Spitfire WW2 love-triangle DARK BLUE WORLD
( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Dark+Blue+World+%282001%29 :
we have learned to expect Tara [Fitzgerald] to get naked in
most of her films and she does not fail in this one either.
But the scene is very brief and dark, her tiny but pert
breasts are merely seen in silhouette)... while Michelle
Pfeiffer borrows her husband's "Ally McBeal" lawyer schtick,
learns what's really important in life from retarded Sean Penn
in I AM SAM ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/iamsam.htm :
exceptionally ripping emotional scenes; "I hate you!!!" by a
little girl to her father while hitting him; excessive
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"unholier agglomeration than thou"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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