_ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2002-01-11_ o join! mail an empty message to
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Search engines are the right tools with which to find the
needed information. According to 101Register.com, there are
over 600,000 search engines currently available on the Web;
the major ones are Yahoo, AOL, Lycos, Hotbot, Excite,
Altavista, MSN, Ask Jeeves, Netscape Search and Northern
...plus, a bit more research reveals, a little-known newcomer
by the name of "Google"...
>> HARD NEWS <<
going to shoot through
Just a week in, and 2002 is already shaping up to be the
super-retro Year Of Any Other Previous Year. In the only
major news stories this week, Steve Jobs shamelessly mined
his back catalogue for design ideas (NeXTCube, Pixar lamp -
the new iBooks, we prophesy, will be shaped like a Buzz
Lightyear Jet Pack). Bill Gates regressed into a Harry
Potter childhood for CES, and espoused the future pad
computer he's been banging on since the Pen Windows days.
And the wider Net's gaze persists in being drawn into the
nostalgic netherworld of the Google Archive. Most disturbing
retro-post so far uncovered is a 1991 "Marc Andreessen"
confessional, where he offers "Dickman and Throbbin" as his
"all-time favourite porno". "This has to be one of the
funniest movies I have ever seen, porno or not...", writes
the young Univ of Illinois student. Of course, we should
point out it may well be an entirely different Marc
Andreessen. Or even more tantalisingly: could it be a fake
post placed in the Google archive by mischevious USENET
"benefactors"? Well, no. But that *does* sound a good idea
for a competition. First one to proveably drop a ringer into
the DejaGoogle database gets a tenner from us. Extra quids
for the inclusion of eerie futuristic premonitions, celebrity
value, and mentions of other Marc Andreessen porn
preferences. But please: do try to ensure that your
changing of the past does not influence the present.
- Bill Gates...
- imitates Onion
- starring master of comedy, John Holmes
- earliest NTK reader post: 1985's Gordon Joly becomes self-aware on net.ai
What a piece of work is Peter Noble PR, who yesterday mailed
out a press release pegged around the recent deaths of rock
musicians Jon Lee (the drummer in Feeder), Zac Foley (the bass
player in EMF), and Stuart Adamson (the singer from Big
Country). Under the heading "It's Official: Rock'n'roll is a
Dangerous Game", the release goes on to surmise that "the
recent rock suicides serve as an ironic twist leading up to
the much hyped computer game release entitled Rock Manager
[...] released on PC CD-Rom on 28th March in the UK". "Has no
one learned anything from the Jo Moore fiasco?" wondered one
gobsmacked recipient, and we'd be inclined to agree - it's
inconceivable that PR companies might set out to deliberately
court controversy in this way, under the impression that
"any publicity is good publicity", or something.
- "for screen shots, additional information, obituaries"
- taking that "any publicity..." thing too far?
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
"low level violence" - not been using RED HAT for long?:
hell, freezing over: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/11/dohsnow.gif
... "If you are using Netscape please upgrade to IE5", barks
http://www.oswaldmosley.com/ ... scoring low on "dish care":
COCA-COLA puts "name on electronic goods for the first time":
vs http://members.aol.com/wrob282988/GroovyNet/Thing.html ...
"lack of SSL" security loophole plugged by deleting script:
ever-professional DR KEYBOARD publishes NHS-style performance
table: http://www.drkeyboard.com/stats/stats.Dec-2001.html ...
it's Shockingly-Underpaid-Vital-Role-In-Society Of The Week:
honesty attack at http://www.geneanet.org/members/ - where
"Few features are coming soon!" ... it's a new paradigm
alright: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/11/dohvisuo.png ...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
Only a couple of days or so left to get your nominations into
the "BLOGGIES" SECOND ANNUAL WEBLOG AWARDS - and perhaps
prevent Metafilter, PlasticBag.Org and - imaginatively enough
- Blogger.com from scooping all those $20 PayPal prizes again.
(Slightly) closer to home, the titanic battle for the soul of
arty-farty online liberalism is shaping up at next week's
CYBERSALON: AN INTIMATE ENCOUNTER WITH DOUGLAS RUSHKOFF (7pm,
Fri, 2002-01-18, Global Cafe, London W1, free). In the blue
corner: West Coast writer, technorealist ringleader (and one-
time "software developer") Rushkoff will be giving a "short
talk"; while Cybersalon's own RICHARD BARBROOK will be hosting
the discussion afterwards, and thus hopefully representing the
beret-wearing Euro-cynicism of the Nettime mailing list,
memorably described by Doug in the Guardian as "hyper-
intellectual neo-communists" after they dared to "snicker" at
last year's bombing of the World Trade Center.
- vs "drivel, banal shit" http://psychcentral.com/blogs/http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4260490,00.html
- vs http://www.cybersalon.org/http://www.filmhouse.demon.co.uk/GHIBLI.html
- plus: Manga movie festival hits Edinburgh on Thu
- then, next weekend: get your ass to Mars
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
Seven years ago, Gopher had it all - bigger audience than
those struggling HTTP Eurotrash types, MTV VJ's wearing
"Gopher World Tour" t-shirts, groupies in airport lounges
screaming tab-delimited text in case jetsetting Gopher
developers heard, and "request more files". Now, its creators
live in rubbish bins and drink each other's wee. The One
True Reason for this fall to grace, tradition teaches us, is
that back in '93 Gopherenes demanded a $10,000 a year
licence for commercial gopher service users. The source was
unfree, development languished, and Marc Andreessen turned
up with this brand new guitar sound. A year ago, the
University Of Minnesotta finally relented and GPL'd the
mother, and voila - GOPHER 3.0. True be told, GOPHER 3.0 is
largely a bunch of security updates, better MIME-handling
and the usual nips and tucks to port the code to a wider set
of (Unixy) platforms. But everyone knows that 3.0 is when
programs *really* take off.
- now set up that gopher porn site and watch the hits explode
- gopher for Mozilla? tick!
- "If X Mosaic gets ported to Windows, gopher is a gonner."
>> MEMEPOOL <<
ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ SLATE UK editors request anonymity, fear "naming and shaming"
campaign: http://slate.msn.com/?id=2060511&entry=2060514 ...
colour of universe suspiciously close to ZX Spectrum "Cyan":
but where's "how many frames of animation make up my walk?":
http://blog.ravenblack.net/quiz/videogame.pl ... shame he
wasn't elected over here (for the tabloid headlines alone):
http://www.minge.org/ ... nautical, not really that nice:
... avoid discussing: a person's occupation, birthplace,
religion, your "family tree", sex, the mediocrity of British
food: http://qwer.org/foreigners020111.html ... NZ imitates DR
... Japanese imitate "I do eyes! Genetic designs, just eyes!":
... when oh when will the public tire of FRIENDS REUNITED
Spoof Of The Week?: http://www.convictsreunited.com/ ... is it
because I is God?: http://www.emailgod.net/view.asp?id=205 ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> hey, maybe SMACK THE PONY (9.30pm, Fri, C4) *will* one
day persuade other comedy sketch shows to go back to funny
song parodies... Julie Delpy bungee-jumps without a rope in
heat-vision CGI monster romp AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS
(10.35pm, Fri, BBC1)... Mel B - who is the "scary" one, right,
not the tracksuit-wearing PE teacher - explores the religious
traditions of West Africa by living as a VOODOO PRINCESS (8pm,
Sat, C4)... and there's a handy double-header of films that
are the subject of monologues in other movies, namely: DOG DAY
AFTERNOON (11pm, Sat, C5) - dissed by Travolta in "Swordfish"
- and TOP GUN (11.05pm, Sat, BBC1), as immortalised by Quentin
Tarantino: http://uk.imdb.com/Quotes?Sleep+with+Me+(1994) ...
oncogeny recapitulates phylogeny on Sun, as cloning docu HOW
TO BUILD A HUMAN (9pm, Sun, BBC2) follows caveman fantasy STIG
OF THE DUMP (5.55pm, Sun, BBC1)... Mia Sorvino remakes "Alien"
with giant insects on the New York underground in MIMIC (10pm,
Sun, C4)... Ben Affleck presages "Pitch Black" in smalltown
Dean R Koontz adaptation PHANTOMS (10pm, Mon, C4)... and
contestants think they're living in an isolated tropical
paradise, but it's actually one of those domes in Cornwall, in
new reality vote-off EDEN (6pm, Tue & Thu, C4)... disaster
nostalgia CHALLENGER - GO FOR LAUNCH (9pm, Tue, BBC2) ignores
the controversial http://www.trosch.org/for/7j05/7oct05.htm
theory (search for "Shuttle")... Cindy Crawford actioner FAIR
GAME (10.30pm, Tue, ITV) pioneeringly features a combined
Mexican stand-off sex scene... Ridley Scott takes on the
Yakuza in leisurely "Black Hawk Down" prequel BLACK RAIN (9pm,
Thu, C5)... and ANGEL (9pm, Thu, Sky1) returns to satellite,
followed by new would-be-M*A*S*H medical comedy SCRUBS (10pm,
Thu, Sky1) - starring Sarah Chalke, aka "the second Becky"
FILM>> a big week for studios junking their box-office
underperformers, the most disappointing being Eliza "Faith
from Buffy" Dushku and Melissa "Get Over It" Sagemiller's
hotly-awaited teen-horror near-death coma, SOUL SURVIVORS
(http://www.screenit.com/movies/2001/soul_survivors.html : we
see [Dushku] and [Sagemiller] in the shower together (clothed)
as they rinse off the paint, with [Dushku] rubbing it off
[Sagemiller] and herself with a sponge in a slightly sensuous
fashion; [Sagemiller] then catches sight of [Dushku] and [a
goth girl] making out together (standing) in the library,
suggesting something lesbian related)... a B-list cast -
including a bearable John Cleese - amble good-naturedly
through gross-out "Mad, Mad, Mad World" remake RAT RACE
(http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ratrace.htm : flatulence;
beatings; leg wrapping; tongue piercing - repeatedly; adult
males kissing by mouth; additional homosexual presence; punk
skinhead neoNazi museum)... Teri "Meet The Parents" Polo
divorces John Travolta, thoughtlessly moves in with murderer
Vince Vaughn in non-nuclear potboiler DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
denial of personal accountability by blaming divorce for poor
behavioral choices; abusive attitude toward stepson)... which
just leaves a choice of "Spinal Tap" tribute-band effort ROCK
STAR (http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Rock+Star : [Mark
Wahlberg] pulls his pants up fast but we still get a good
enough shot of that awesome, round, deep-cracked butt)... or
inexplicably renamed-for-the-UK Neil Diamond singalong EVIL
WOMAN (http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Saving+Silverman :
[Odessa Munroe] plays a hooker who strips off her top in a
ping pong match. One look at her tits and you'll want to suck
'em to death!)...
CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> bafflingly, white chocolate looks set
to be *the* confectionery craze of 2002, with CADBURY'S DREAM
"Creamy White Chocolate Egg" appearing to resemble a Milky Bar
shell filled with white chocolate of an almost perceptibly
different consistency. Milky Bar owners NESTLE are, however,
fighting back with their own "new fondant-filled" MILKYBAR EGG
and the unappealingly named KIT KAT CHUNKY WHITE, part of a
Spring line-up that also includes the "Monsters Inc"-inspired
I SCREAMS (a "milky dessert with a green centre") and MIKE'S
BURSTING EYES. Here's hoping they go down better than the pre-
Christmas ROWNTREE'S FROST PASTILLES (an "assortment of fruit
sorbet and fruit ice cream flavour pastilles"), described by
DAVID TRAVELLING as "strange, but pleasant, synthetic flavours
that I have failed to match with any known ice cream". Though
he does add that one that tastes like bubble-gum, but with the
added advantage that "swallowing it doesn't lead to slow death
by internal strangulation. At least, it hasn't yet"... over in
savouries, DOUGLAS YATES was perhaps a little harsh towards
the ultra-rigid JACOB'S CRACKERS THAI BITES ("Lightly salted",
"Sweet herb" or "Oriental spice", from 39p), alleging they're
merely "small rice crackers with a hint of flavouring powder
sprinkled on them", though WAYNE WILLIAMS was more positive
about the erratically distributed MCCAIN MICRO CHICKEN WINGS
("Curry", "BBQ" or "Tandoori") - "Nice, but (as chicken wings
tend to be) quite small". Or maybe the "micro" part of their
name doesn't just refer to their microwaveability... the cool
reception continued for NESCAFE'S "HOT WHEN YOU WANT" self-
heating coffee ("tepid piss" - Jolyon Sandercock) - we had a
surprisingly palatable one ("with milk & sugar") where the
temperature was just right, but this can be tricky to judge
because of natural anxieties over returning to the can once
the "red liquid" (red mercury?) has been activated. NTK's own
LEE MAGUIRE described the "DIET AIR" peach variant of SNAPPLE
ELEMENTS (UKP 1.69) as "having a really nice bottle", but it
clearly hasn't tantalised your tastebuds as much as the RAC's
long-awaited entry into the "Red Bull" energy drink market,
RAC 124: http://www.rac.co.uk/news/issues/26072001RAC124
(124mg of caffeine, that is!). JOSH ROULSTON found the
"lightly carbonated" peach flavour "disgusting", only buying
it because "it was such a strange idea" ("Not to be used as a
substitute for sleep", the can reassuringly proclaims). Yet
WAYNE WILLIAMS, still buzzing from his spicy chicken find,
argued that they should play up the refreshing flavour more,
instead of all the "Do Not Drive If Tired" waffle. Hey, it was
vodka that popularised Red Bull, so let us know if you ignore
the "Do not mix with alcohol" disclaimer and come up with a
delicious Bellini-style RAC 124 caffeinated cocktail...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"computer virus? my arse"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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