Need To Know 2002-05-10

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"You probably don't remember me, but I haven't forgotten you. So you're still into your wanky dungeons and dragons shit... Clearly you have lived up to your full potential: a self-obsessed arsehole with bad kidneys. Oh yes Rowlands, I fucking know who you are... So why am I emailing you? Just to let you know that you can't leave your past behind..." "Me and my net stalker" http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/story/0,3605,711979,00.html - not quite the "Contact from Friends Reunited" you were hoping for >> HARD NEWS << yabba dabba doo "Wow, what a line-up!" comments reader BEN LAMB of EXTREME COMPUTING: THE NTK/MUTE FESTIVAL OF INAPPROPRIATE TECHNOLOGY (from 11am, Sunday 2002-06-09, Camden Centre, London, UKP3) - and that's before we've added all the extra-special surprise guests, the exact nature of whose participation is being confirmed even as you are reading this. Still, the now mildly informative site should provide some flavour of the delights in store: PAUL "Z LAB" GRANJON on putting the insides of a electronic parrot toy into a German sausage; ADAM "AL Digital" LAURIE emerging from his nuclear bunker to introduce a video about the C64 demo scene; and some guys from THE REGISTER drinking the bar dry, if their previous form is anything to go by. Please note that, to avoid Essential-Festival-style disappointment, this line-up may be subject to unavoidable change: the new issue of cyberzine BLACK ICE, for instance, should be ready by then assuming that their backer has got the money together; top-rated rogue Amazon reviewer HENRY RADDICK must juggle other engagements, including "a wedding" the day before. But this is just the tip of the iceberg - we still need: someone to talk about the Russian ZX cloning scene; volunteers to move tables, install Linux, and (currently under discussion) hire themselves out as a "geek slave"; and, obviously, anyone else who does interesting weird-tech things, or sells stuff like http://www.coolcasemods.com/ , but isn't based in fricking Scotland. http://www.xcom2002.com/ - we're joking of course (Edinburgh's only 4-5 hours away) http://www.linuxexpobirmingham.com/ - and now that you've not got this http://www.linuxinstallday.org - we can probably incorporate this What's the apocrophyal Slashdot saying? "Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its efficiency and speed once every 18 months." Careful what you ask for: In just one week, STATEWATCH has uncovered an attempt by the bad bit of the EU to fast-track continent-wide retention of all traffic data; The HOUSE OF LORDS has set upon patching the old 1990 Computer Misuse Act to forbid denial-of-service attacks. And what's this? The FSA is now allowing anyone with a million Euro to set up their own electronic currency? Can we have a recess now? http://www.statewatch.org/news/2002/may/05surv.htm - hold onto your hats. also, your logs. http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld200102/ldbills/079/2002079.pdf - so now we can have failed convictions for another crime http://www.theinquirer.net/10050210.htm - look Wendy, we said before: put your money *away* As you may have feared, the temptation to audioshop MICHAEL GREENE'S televised Grammy speech has proved difficult for some remixers to resist, with what can only be described as a "myriod" of modified versions now circulating online. Here's just a few that we've stumbled across so far - Greene may have resigned as head of the Grammy organisation (for reasons seemingly unrelated to the "jeering" he endured), and yet his prophetic words about file-sharing threaten to live on, one way or the other. http://www.jackbishop.com/resigns.htm - citing "philosophical differences" http://www.infierno.co.uk/riaa.mp3 - "the fan - that would be you - is at serious risk" http://www.chaozation.com/~cameron/listen_to_this.mp3 - more industrial, good snare bit http://homepage.ntlworld.com/t-0-m-m-0/ - a capella "Death to the RIAA" satire http://www.angelfire.com/rebellion/jarmo/ - "the RIAA is the most insidious virus"... http://yoz.com/boots/ - Saint Etienne and Friends >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious the lights are off: http://www.itv-digital.co.uk/ , but MONKEY - and his zany nonstop antics - appear to be still at home: http://www.itv-digital.co.uk/company/behind_press_home.html#14 ... GUARDIAN declares right-winger hunting season "open": http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/10/dohpim.gif ... inspired by http://www.rhondda-cynon-taff.gov.uk/Pest%20control/pests.htm <TITLE> tag, this week's apparently widespread GOOGLE goof: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22%63unty+council%22 ... "He'll have no trouble voicing his love for you in this exquisite basque", enthuses cross-dressing lingerie site: http://www.figleaves.com/store/product.asp?pf%5Fid=CN%2D1947 ... "[VEGEMITE] was made from many essential ingredients apart from yeast extract. One of the main ones was Fred Walker" admits http://www.vegemite.com.au/bornbread.asp?area=6 , the original SOYLENT BROWN... 3M's PDF files even cleverer than you'd thought: http://www.ntk.net/2002/05/10/doh3m.gif ... http://www.autdirect.co.uk/acatalog/A_U_T_Direct_AUT_s_Value_List_26.html#a700 promises "True Plug & Pray Installation"... spot the spelling mistake: http://www.dyslexia.uk.com/page67.html ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful It's THE O'REILLY EMERGING TECH CONFERENCE all next week, but don't bother taking a sickie, because this time it's "decentralised" itself over in California. And God knows you'll read it all painstakingly repeated on the blogs anyway. Main topics covered are the three Ws: Web Services, WiFi and Warez - sorry, P2P. Lots of great speakers (because reading out TODO files to a rapt audience is the only way unemployed genii can afford to travel these days, worse luck), plus the usual low-flying analysts spinning the meme props for another barnstorm - with an commendably high number of NTK regulars in both camps. Heck, it's even got famed 2000AD competition winner/playboy BBC webdesigner/Yahoo Serious lookalike Matt Jones leading a BOF! Just to deaden the atmosphere, NTK's own governor-in-exile Danny O'Brien is inviting all to his "Emerging Duplex" house-warming in the nearby Fortress of Bitterness that week... and, no doubt, hitting you up for a lift to a Clones showing. He'll be in one of the NTK corporate T-shirts. Keep him away from the buffet. http://conferences.oreillynet.com/etcon2002/ - mugshots look like a photoshopping waiting to happen http://shootingpeople.org/html/party.html - back in the UK, online film co-op start charging http://www.onedotzero.com/new/2002_site/onedotzero_frameset_odz6.html - onedotzero CGI/Japanimation festival baffling as ever >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering You know those scenes in movies where they've finally nabbed the evil shape-shifting metamorph, and it's thrashing around in its final death throes, transmuting from one form to another - husky, lycanthrope, fourth Dr Who, Sarah Connor, Mrs Thatcher and back? We get the feeling this is what's happening with the condemned Perl5 codebase. Desperately trying to reform as Perl6, the organism has previously attempted to assimilate all other languages (via Inline.pm). Now BRIDGEKEEPER has assisted it in reforming as a Python program. Goebul Consult's hybrid code will take most current Perl programs and turn them into the most mongrel Python code you ever did see. Proving that: you *can* write unreadable Python code - if you have help. And You Can Not Kill That Which Is Unmaintainable. http://goebel-consult.de/bridgekeeper/ - you need to change Decomperl to Bridgekeeper in bridgekeeper.pm, line 210 http://inline.perl.org/inline/home.html - pathologically polluting perl >> MEMEPOOL << ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ eMac made of "same material used to manufacture bulletproof glass" http://www.apple.com/education/emac/ , yet brought to its knees by the seductive siren-like singing of CELINE DION: http://www.xenoclast.org/free-sklyarov-uk/2002-May/002301.html ... yes, very nice, but where's the "severe lacerations to the face" mod?: http://www.peterhirschberg.com/vertisim/ ... http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?u=/nm/20020507/sc_nm/health_piercings_dc_2 imitates http://www.theonion.com/onion3816/teen_sex_linked.html ... meanwhile: http://www.ashleypomeroy.com/onion.html vs http://www.zipworld.com.au/~rics-dsl/media/20020507,med,godonio.html ... http://www.macross2000.org/ probably more fun than, say: http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/egm10.htm ... this week's generic action figures: http://www.herobuilders.com/ ... "A survey [...] in Trashigang detected 182 cases [...] in 4 out of the dzongkhag's 16 geogs" - BHUTAN speaking fluent "Clockwork Orange": http://www.kuenselonline.com/article.php?sid=1530 ... considering popularity of Linux in Peru, is PADDINGTON BEAR the new Tux? ("Please look after this software. Thank you")... http://www.tasminarcher.com/ links to CLUETRAIN MANIFESTO... >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> noted brainboxes Anne Robinson and Phillip Schofield provide undemanding puzzle fun for audiences dumb enough to believe in a unidimensional measure of intelligence in TEST THE NATION - THE NATIONAL IQ TEST (8.10pm, Sat, BBC1) - vs: http://www.martian.fm/iq.htm ... the pop-psych continues with a look at THE STANFORD PRISON EXPERIMENT (10pm, Sat, BBC2), and reality-TV re-enactment THE EXPERIMENT (9pm, Tue & Wed, BBC2)... though, for digital viewers, there's always the ultraviolent original BLADE (9pm, Sat, BBC Choice)... the disappointing SUPERMAN III (1.35pm, Sun, BBC1) popularises the "salami" bank fraud, inspiring the somewhat funnier "Office Space": http://www.snopes2.com/business/bank/salami.htm ... an unintentional double-bill of miniaturised submarine movies sees FANTASTIC VOYAGE (2.55pm, Sun, C4) hotly pursued by INNERSPACE (5pm, Sun, C5)... while THE LAST NAZI SECRET (8pm, Sun, C4) appears to be "The Truth About Gay Nazis"... the http://www.everyonehatesattachments.com/ gang are already gearing up for MI5 workplace-drama SPOOKS (9pm, Mon, BBC1), written by David Wolstencroft, who once adapted "Mad About You" into "Loved By You" for the UK... overrated transgressive comedy night features both THE DAY TODAY (10pm, Mon, BBC2) and BRASS EYE SPECIAL (10.30pm, Mon, C4)... and Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett and Harvey Keitel give new meaning to the "moons of Saturn" in Martin Amis' nudity-prone '80s sci-fi SATURN 3 (11.35pm, Mon, BBC1)... our worst nightmare is that Steven Soderbergh does a worse job of remaking "Solaris" than Sharon Stone and Dustin Hoffman do in SPHERE (9pm, Tue, C5)... it's surely only a matter of time before Daisy Donovan bumps into Louis Theroux, Ruby Wax etc trying unsuitable jobs as she auditions for a rock band in DAISY DAISY (10.30pm, Thu, C4)... still, an alternative use for celebrities is suggested by Roger Corman's surprisingly good sci-fi trash DEATH RACE 2000 (12.40am, Thu, C4)... FILM>> it appears to be the "James King" who plays a nurse in "Pearl Harbor", not the one who reviews films for Radio 1 - http://www.dotcock.com/ - plus the guy who plays "Nick" from "Freaks And Geeks" in this week's gross-out teen comedy SLACKERS ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/slackers.html : Jason Schwartzman runs the sponge over [Mamie Van Doren's] bare breasts, even lifting them to sponge beneath them; James King has a pleasured look on her face, and we then see [...] what looked like just a glimpse of part of her bare breast; Laura ["That '70s Show"] Prepon plays her roommate who uses strong profanity, masturbates in front of a stranger and apparently is involved in S&M behavior with some guy)... the comedy-horror continues in (potentially unintentional?) Brit military werewolf laugh-fest DOG SOLDIERS (Poster quote: "JAWS, ALIENS, AND PREDATOR, WITH A WEREWOLF TWIST", explains The Face, helpfully)... the Czechs do their own "Pearl Harbor" in incorrect-Spitfire WW2 love-triangle DARK BLUE WORLD ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Dark+Blue+World+%282001%29 : we have learned to expect Tara [Fitzgerald] to get naked in most of her films and she does not fail in this one either. But the scene is very brief and dark, her tiny but pert breasts are merely seen in silhouette)... while Michelle Pfeiffer borrows her husband's "Ally McBeal" lawyer schtick, learns what's really important in life from retarded Sean Penn in I AM SAM ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/iamsam.htm : exceptionally ripping emotional scenes; "I hate you!!!" by a little girl to her father while hitting him; excessive cleavage; prostitute)... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "unholier agglomeration than thou" http://www.everything2.org/index.pl?node_id=928014 NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/ (K) 2002 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.