Need To Know 2002-01-18

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"It should be easy for users to specify appropriate use of their information including controlling the use of e-mail they send..." - Gates "leaks" security "plans" ( http://www.komotv.com/stories/16351.htm ) ...we're currently testing our e-mail control enforcement system, so please forward this test message to all your friends and I'll personally give you $1000 and a trip to DisneyWorld... >> HARD NEWS << within their purviews RAISE DEFENCES TO DEFCON ONE OR THREE! By dint of the jittery and overblown last few months in the cybersecurity arena, anti-virus anti-hype curmudgeon Rob "Billy Bob" Rosenberger has singlehandedly revived his COMPUTER VIRUS HYSTERIA AWARDS for a calming 2002 outing. His vmyth crowd (themselves hoping to snatch the "Most Ingeniously Repetitious Use of the Phrase 'Exudes Hysteria'" crown) have a rack of awards to humiliate those who tried to trick the world into unnecessary panic attacks, to which they naturally request NTK subscribers' expert nominations, votes, and clarifications. The call for nominations will continue throughout the year, with a tally at the end. Despite the catchy name, the subject matter, Rob says, can be any computer security fracas you wish. And remember: if you don't vote, then the terrorists will already have won. And God knows what use they'd put a prepaid phonecard to. http://vmyths.com/resource.cfm?id=73&page=1 - yet another poorly planned CIA trap It's already been a great month for the BBC's department of literal illustration, with many of you submitting the spartan "Rusty Iron Gates Locked With Padlock And Chain", for the caption "Experts are looking for better ways to lock data up": http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1723000/1723171.stm - a deliberate echo of their earlier "broken chains" motif?: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_852000/852866.stm - and culminating in the spooky overkill of "Will broadband get the green light?" (or a whole load of them, for that matter?): http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_1755000/1755343.stm . Yet our favourites remain their treasured forays into genuine surrealism - the haunting "I Have No Face, And I Must Teach": http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/education/newsid_1759000/1759870.stm , plus the story which, if we didn't know better, we'd suspect had been run purely to use up some time-restricted clip art - from reader Phil Marley, it's a vacuum cleaner, it's a newt, it's this year's weirdest BBC illustration so far. Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present: "VACUUM CLEANER SUCKS UP NEWT". http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/england/newsid_1755000/1755107.stm - reassuring readers that "no newts were harmed"... http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohdewar.gif - Guardian, meanwhile, has Roy Hudd re-burying Donald Dewar >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious "1.72 Unique Users" boasts DOTMUSIC marketing .sig ... lest you "forget": http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohalz.gif , http://image.linkexchange.com/01/43/36/95/banner.gif ... maths whiz DR KEYBOARD once read "by around 1,000,000 million people per week": http://www.drkeyboard.com/words/about.htm ... when will the public tire of all these "fickle job market" ads?: http://www.reed.co.uk/cgi-bin/jobdetails.asp?jobid=1078161 , http://www.totaljobs.com/jobseekers/details.asp?Action=Detail&JobID=6725468 ... making an "iguana salad"? check out our great deals on FETAL PIGS! http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohpig.gif ... giant wormlike insect offspring wrecks town, reports TIMES headline: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohlarv.gif ... ARNIE's Science/Factual debut: http://qwer.org/arniedocumentary.html ... "FOR BEST VIEIWNG RESULTS PLEASE close window" advises: http://www.vietnampix.com/timeline.htm ... not the impression of "creativity, innovation and quality" the FOREIGN OFFICE were hoping for: http://www.ntk.net/2002/01/18/dohfco.gif ... GUARDIAN implies sell-out of "rock bank [sic] Chumbawumba": http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493,634003,00.html ... SHAKIN' STEVENS "fully cop-operative", alleges BBC Wales: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/uk/wales/newsid_1763000/1763284.stm ... not even YAHOO can find their old ADAM ANT records any more: http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20020113/re/people_ant_dc_1.html ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful To be honest, there's not that much to add about the 2002 SYMPOSIUM: MARS ON EARTH: LIFE ON MARS (from 9am, Sat 2002-01- 19, UKP20 + concessions) - though the National Hockey Stadium Conference Centre, out on the windswept dunes of Milton Keynes, is surely the ideal venue to discuss terraforming a futuristic habitation in an unforgivingly alien environment. (Did you see what we did there? Milton Keynes, Mars - oh never mind.) Further cutting-edge topical humour will no doubt form the backbone of SATIRE WEEK (from Mon 2002-01-21, Greenwich Theatre, London SE10, events priced individually), with intermittently unamusing social commentators Jeremy Hardy and Rory Bremner, a handy libel workshop on Friday afternoon and, kicking the whole thing off on Monday evening, The Institute of Ideas-sponsored debate "The Future of Satire - Safe and Smug or Edgy and Offensive?", featuring some guy from "yes we *are* still going" tabloid digest http://www.anorak.co.uk/ and occasional NTK reader Stewart "Lee and Herring" Lee, who we hope will be punctuating the proceedings with his arch goatee- stroking catchphrase: "Ah, yes - do you see?" http://www.marssociety.org.uk/sections.php?op=viewarticle&artid=61 - guest of honour: Carrie Anne "Red Planet" Moss? http://www.greenwichtheatre.org.uk/pages/WhatsOn.html - plus: "Spitting Image: was it ever actually any good?" http://www.instituteofideas.com/events/current.htm - but don't mention the website that saved satire, The Onion http://www.atei.co.uk/ate/ - further "Amusements" from next Tue ("trade only") >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering So what's Andy "MacOS" Hertzfield been doing with himself since Eazel imploded last year? This week he submitted a nifty addition to the ongoing NAUTILUS codebase which may provide some clue. It's a gnome-vfs module to browse Usenet binaries (images, and MP3s) as directory trees. Multi-part postings are collated into single files or directories, depending on content, and with the latest Nautilus, you can preview pictures and music on-the-fly. It's still a bit flaky, and like any GNOME code, you'll need to burn in hell for several hours to get it to compile, but it's a nice hack. And when people post code to simplify browsing Usenet binaries, you know *exactly* what they've been doing with themselves... http://lists.eazel.com/pipermail/nautilus-list/2002-January/006817.html - why, checking out those bootleg mp3s and Star Wars posters, of course! >> MEMEPOOL << ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/ pedestrian equivalent of speed-camera spotting for New York: http://www.appliedautonomy.com/isee/info.html .... I will HUNT YOU DOWN, Doc-tor!: http://www.shcarter.freeserve.co.uk/ ... free TOTAL FILM mag when you go to the cinema - while stocks last: http://www.warnervillage.co.uk/newyear/voucher.html ... http://www.amibiosornot.com/ ... life imitates 1980s ACTION MAN accessories: http://www.solotrek.com/mjet/index1.html ... damn, that World Wrestling Federation has a lot to answer for: http://www.theage.com.au/sport/2002/01/12/FFXFMCIUAWC.html ... if thieves now target mobile phones, won't that be a bigger problem with the pricier SEGWAY - or are they fast enough to outrun a mugger?... this week's HARRY POTTER lookalike: http://www.nwfusion.com/power01/50most/LinusTorvaldsLinux.gif (from http://www.nwfusion.com/power01/50most/thinkers.html ) ... email-filter-triggering pseudo-Widdecombe-of-the-week: http://www.dvla-som.co.uk/cgi-bin/generate.pl?FUCK%201T ... apparently even NATHAN BARLEY has a girlfriend these days: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000088K0/ ... for all those wimps who don't know what an overclocked heatsink is for: http://www.hardwareoc.com/usbmod1.php ... >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> Patrick Swayze and Meat Loaf play rival truckers in poorly-disguised exploding vehicles videogame BLACK DOG (11.05pm, Fri, BBC1)... it's near-non-stop juvenile sci- fantasy on Saturday, starting with Disney's original THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE (9pm, Sat, BBC2) and WW2 bunny allegory WATERSHIP DOWN (11.50pm, Sat, BBC2)... a 1960s English village is invaded by oriental-looking alien women in INVASION (1.25am, Sat, C4) - part-inspiration for the Dr Who story "Spearhead From Space" ... while SPECIES II (11.45pm, Sat, ITV) is still summed up best by the classic imdb user plot summary: "When [the astronaut] gets back to Earth all he has on his mind is to have sex with [Natasha] Henstridge!"... some interesting counterscheduling on Sunday, with C4 pitching the always-entertaining man-weepie JERRY MAGUIRE (9.30pm, Sun, C4) and C5 trotting out "they only moved the headstones" favourite POLTERGEIST (9pm, Sun, C5) against the first of this month's dramatisations of BLOODY SUNDAY (10pm, Sun, ITV) - which is apparently like "Black Hawk Down" or something, but set in Northern Ireland!... Danny DeVito's Dead White Poets Society remake RENAISSANCE MAN (10.55pm, Sun, BBC1) is more fun than it sounds... insane actor-fest actioner FACE/OFF (9pm, Tue, C5) remains the highlight of John Woo's and Nic Cage's careers so far... BEST INVENTIONS (7.30pm, Wed, BBC1) struggles to find that ever-elusive gadget that anyone might have any use for, ever... and TO KILL AND KILL AGAIN (10.20pm, Wed, ITV) pioneeringly investigates the case of that little-known serial killer, Jack the Ripper... new US import ALIAS (9pm, Wed, Sky1) is basically "Buffy" with spies... INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (8pm, Thu, BBC1) might be an improvement on "Temple Of Doom", but that doesn't make it any good... and HORIZON (9pm, Thu, BBC2) comes up with an intriguing new angle on why people get fat: could it be too much food?... FILM>> it's like Ridley Scott decided to remake "Aliens", but misheard "some aliens" as "Somalians" - perhaps predictably, carnage ensues in brutal pro-humanitarian heli propaganda BLACK HAWK DOWN ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : contains frequent strong battle horror) - not based around the 2000AD & Tornado Nubian galley slave of the same name, and not the "Watership Down" sequel you'd maybe expected... it looks like that guy who plays Frodo on the poster, but it's actually Kate Winslet playing Young Iris "Howling Mad" Murdoch in harrowing senile dementia Oscar fodder IRIS ( http://www.bbfc.co.uk/ : contains infrequent strong language and moderate sex)... or, probably the least scary of the lot, teen ouija-board Brit fright-fest LONG TIME DEAD (poster quote: "Makes 'Jeepers Creepers' look like 'The Tweenies'" - though wouldn't making "The Tweenies" look like "Jeepers Creepers" be a bit more impressive?)... CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, "BONERS", AND INCORRECTLY REGARDED AS GOOFS>> yes, well done to everyone who wrote in pointing out "There is a 'D' in Guildford!" [NTK 2001-11-30], or that the image filename gives "Venus" (the Roman goddess of love) while the competition specifically asks for the Greek one at: http://www.adobe.co.uk/special/illustratorcomp/ [NTK 2001-12-07]. But proof-reading wizard DAVID BLANE was first to spot last week's freakish substitution of "oncogeny" for "ontogeny" (that's what happens when you use Google as a spellcheck), and THE DODGER correctly diagnosed that we "must have" meant troubled US power giant ENRON when we referred to ENCOM back in NTK 2001-11-30, which is of course the evil software company from the movie "Tron"... on the other hand, we felt entirely justified in referring to Edinburgh's current Studio Ghibli season as "manga movies", despite DR DTHP's purist protests that "1) AFAIK, none of these movies are released by Manga Entertainment Co, and 2) The site describes movies, but doesn't say anything about displaying or selling manga" - because, duh, "anime" sounds French, but "manga" sounds Japanese! JAMES CRONIN argued that Orange's "our internet speed has been upgraded to 2 MHz" cybercafe claim - http://www.orangestudio.co.uk/prices/ [NTK 2002-01-04] - is "actually technically correct", because "Hz is just s^-1, so that's 2 Million [bits] per second", but BEN MOOR took the pedantry prize for clarifying that "there *is* a Superboy [in DC continuity] right now, but he's kind of a clone and not the original Clark Kent growing up in Smallville. Came up during the 'Rise Of The Supermen' thing after Big Blue bought Krypton after getting a doomsday duffing". Thanks for clearing that up, Ben - though you didn't see fit to warn us that his mum in "Smallville" is, bizarrely, played by his girlfriend from "Superman III"?... an eager "edit-spotter" confirmed that earlier versions of SOTCAA's typically hit-and-miss parody http://web.ukonline.co.uk/sotcaa/19_xmasbook_brooker.html did originally end with the more confrontational "Legs Broken": http://www.angelfire.com/super/sotcaabits/forums/corpsesdotvgohome.html , WILHELM *RAFIAL* FITZPATRICK contended that NTK 2001-12-14's http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,617906,00.html vs http://www.theonion.com/onion3614/parker_brothers_monopoly.html is merely just another case of Life imitating The Onion - imitating Life again: http://www.antimonopoly.com/ , but the last word goes to COLIN MACDONALD who, after we pondered our coverage of the Sabrina The Teenage Witch fan fiction scene, made the unsubstantiated claim that "[Sabrina actress] Melissa Joan Hart can recite pi to about a jillion decimal places, plus she wore a Princess Leia slave girl outfit to a Halloween party", as if knowing these facts could possibly enhance anyone's viewing of a programme that, as far as we can see, is basically Harry Potter with breasts... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "creating a utopian society" (in Volume II) http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewnews.asp?AuthorID=3442 NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.geekstyle.co.uk/ (K) 2002 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.