Need To Know 2003-08-15

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>> HARD NEWS << you choose We're not just letting off steam with this "unilaterally redesign a viciously bad website competition", you know - we're also finding out some useful demographics about our subscriber base. The average NTK reader, it seems, uses Sourceforge on a suicidal basis: "Why oh why are there a million clicks before you get to the download page?", writes one devotee. They are regular, embittered, users of the postal system (with the Post Office's postcode finder not helping: "an appallingly bad site that could be really useful" says Hugh Parker). And at the end of their short, angry days, our readers will often use alcohol to numb the pain. Or they would if the Oddbins' site would let them in. Oh, and they travel around in... ah, we're out of time. Tune in next week for the (perfectly obvious) winner of Potentially Useful Site Figgered Up Beyond All Recognition By A Consultant And What Appears To Be His Two-Year-Old Designer Nephew. http://www.osdir.com/article102.html - why source forge still sucks http://www.royalmail.com/ - can't look http://www.oddbins.com/ - if you use Mozilla or Opera, drink two shots Just to remind those who have lost all will to live what the point of this is: we'll be encouraging people to recode the site by scraping the information and fixing it. You know, like Alan Taylor's Amazon rejig. Or Jonty's WAP interface to the play.com DVD/Game price list (so you can check prices while out shopping). Or, at a stretch, the BBC's final capitulation to our regular complaint that they should publish their reports in something other than PDF format: handing the problem over to Adobe's PDF to text service. http://www.kokogiak.com/amazon/default.asp - old but good http://www.bbc.co.uk/info/report2003/ - cheeky! http://www.electrichamster.net/wap.cgi - it's a cruel world when we use WAP as an example of usability And it's amazing what we can achieve when we all work together. Concluding our "turned out OK in the end" Japanese- English slogan competition, PAUL BLEZARD doesn't get a prize for pointing out "There is a Japanese motorcycle magazine called 'Goggle' whose slogan is 'Magazine for Windy Bikers'", but RIK HAYNES, European editor of LOGIN magazine, does for sending in the following NTK-relevant gems from his latest issue: "Scoop A Go! Go!"; "Technology & entertainment on computer for hobby"; and "Monsters of the new appearance are introduced". Rik receives an shinkwrapped copy of TVGoHome's "Unnovations" book, as do readers JAMES BOYDEN, for "Touching together is for great happiness. In this little time, we are touching fewer. NTK touches for you!", and "H" for the pithy "We The Theme Produce of Mode". But the outright winners - receiving both a book and a t-shirt (if they want one) - begin with DAVID GENTLE, who combined quantity and quality in his "Technical goons are alight: fire-stains left by overboys!", "Earth to space experts; journeying with tap-tap machine", and "All persons in awareness of NTK love-finger. Sitting all day fetish. Is 'grooved'? Yes grooved!". But even he could not match the output of JOSH PARSONS, whose freely downloadable cgi script generates authentically deranged constructions every time you refresh. Or as it itself might put it: "My night? Your sensation worries strange to that team's heart". http://ahpc-jp30.st-and.ac.uk/~josh/witters/engrish.cgi - see also http://www.channel4.com/4later/bits/manga.html http://www-unix.oit.umass.edu/~thoureau/japanese.html - doesn't pass as conversational Japanese >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious MSN enthusiastically embracing new role as consumer's friend: http://www.ntk.net/2003/08/15/dohscam.gif ... the surreal side of spamdexing the search terms from your referrer logs: http://maps.nethopper.com/atlas_pasta_machine.html ... keeping them as fresh and exciting as when you asked the first time: http://www.sxetc.org/askexperts/genAskExpertsFAQList.asp?pid=1313&tid=1313 ... those dual-CPU machines are the devil's work, I tell ye: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22viewing+on+a+single+CPU%22 ... BBC comedy captioners diversifying into image alt tags: http://www.ntk.net/2003/08/15/dohmike.gif ... old jokes still the best though: http://www.ntk.net/2003/08/15/dohsado.gif ... not everyone quite so pleased about new Banksy exhibition: http://www.ntk.net/2003/08/15/bank1.jpg , www.ntk.net/2003/08/15/bank2.jpg >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful Another year, another DNSCON BLACKPOOL (from 9pm tonight, Fri 2003-08-15, The Empress Hotel, Blackpool FY1, from UKP15 for "Newbie"-level attendance on the door, includes "Newbie badge which you must wear") - though this year the tantalising attractions include ASMag's GEDDON giving "A Talk By Geddon", and occasional GSM critic GUS giving "A Talk By..." - well, you get the idea. The alcohol-consuming theme continues with next weekend's BEWDLEY BEER FESTIVAL (from 12noon Fri 2003-08- 22, St George's Hall, Bewdley, near Kidderminster, free?), an event co-organised by NTK reader Adam Naylor, who promises "an internet cafe, webcams and a bubble machine (controllable from the internet, of course) - at least watch us drinking our lives away even if you aren't able to turn up". http://www.dnscon.org/dns6/ - this year: Dr Hackenphreaks' all-new AOL coaster challenge http://www.bewdleybeerfestival.co.uk/ - implies it takes place in a car park. Class! >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering Though first-person shooter fans the world over are firing their BFGs into the wall in frustration over the delays to Half-Life 2 and Doom III, we're not too concerned; each week brings more free Half-Life mods than you can wave a crowbar at. Alongside the ever-popular-but-a-tad-derivative favourites such as Counter-Strike and Day of Defeat sit slightly more original uses for the HL engine, ranging from scarily- professional sports sims (INTERNATIONAL ONLINE SOCCER, HALF- LIFE RALLY) to surreal corporate espionage (SCIENCE & INDUSTRY). Currently eating most of our precious blog-reading time is the Aliens-alike NATURAL SELECTION, which lays an engaging dollop of strategic plasma over team-based blasting (imagine Starcraft bursting out of Team Fortress's stomach). The recent 2.0 release features enough changes to make everyone a newbie again, so now's a great time to jump in. Our favourite concept, however, is BOXWAR, which greatly appeals to our senses of fair play and extreme paranoia: You (a crate) have to stalk other players (also crates) across various levels (covered in crates). Given all the above plus the many single-player mods on offer, you shouldn't have to pay for another big commercial title until... someone finally releases one. http://www.moddb.com/ - all the mods we listed, plus a few hundred more http://www.planethalflife.com/news/search.asp?search=videogames - "no comment" = "it's probably not a problem... probably..." http://www.halflife2d.com/ - ...unless your game comes out *after* the Flash tribute http://oldmanmurray.com/features/39.html - don't give in to crate >> MEMEPOOL << contains a source of http://snackspot.org/ new http://www.phrack.org/ ... still having problems attracting women to demo parties? http://fa.xmunkki.org/ ... I LOVE YOU. I REALLY LOVE YOU: http://www.regularsreunited.co.uk/ ... can't wait to see their data protection registry entry: http://www.middlelanemorons.co.uk/ ... what your memoirs will sound like: http://www.keble.clara.net/ic_memories/ ... squeaking by our "no such thing as a funny ebay auction" rule: http://www.than.org/3621549033.html ... one of these pics is not like the others: http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=toaster ... your grandad's browser: http://david-lu.net/v4/work/phonedial/ ... thanks everyone, that ought to do it: http://boycottcity.org ... inevitably: http://www.technicola.com/flashmugging/ ... oh no, DHTML Lemmings: http://www.xs4all.nl/~crisp/lemmings/ >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> "Big Brother" producer Peter Bazalgette wallows in a different kind of filth in a repeat of his GREAT STINK (8pm, Fri, C5)... BBC1 unveils an all-too-missable hour of new comedy with Liverpudlian bingo hall EYES DOWN (9pm, Fri, BBC1) and Andy "Drop The Dead Donkey" Hamilton's TREVOR'S WORLD OF SPORT (9.30pm, Fri, BBC1)... but if it's anything near as good as last week's opener, THE BEST OF THE NEW TOM GREEN SHOW (11.45pm, Fri, C4) may be the best thing on TV this year... some of Charlize Theron's "best ever" unclothed scenes enliven 2 DAYS IN THE VALLEY (11.35pm, Fri, BBC2)... according to the innovative reviewing style of "the Gordonator", Jamie Lee Curtis plays an ordinary, brunette woman with "ample chest and buttocks" in all-at-sea cyber-nonsense VIRUS (11pm, Sat, BBC1) http://www.allscifi.com/Topics/Info_17959.asp ... while Cusack/ Bob Thornton geek face-off PUSHING TIN (9pm, Sat, BBC3) provides an even less reassuring portrait of air-traffic controllers than the last of CROWDED SKIES (9pm, Sun, BBC2)... the testosterone keeps on bubbling in stockbroker containment drama BOILER ROOM (10pm, Sun, BBC2) and, to a lesser extent, radio time-travel strangeloop FREQUENCY (10.20pm, Sun, BBC1) ... Ruby Wax ruins another potentially watchable profile of BEN STILLER (AND PARENTS) (10.35pm, Mon, BBC1)... Monday is especially harrowing with female circumcision docu THE DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET (9pm, Mon, C4) followed by Antonio Banderas' DESPERADO (10.30pm, Mon, C4)... and what promises to be the absolute cutting edge of corporate coolhunter nonsense is perpetuated by STREET ANTHROPOLOGY (7.55pm, Tue & Wed, C4) http://www.geneseo.edu/~anthro/hot_asset.php ... FILM>> as almost 90% of the total running time now consists of hit-and-miss Seann William Scott set-pieces, the "Pie" trilogy lurches to a largely satisfactory conclusion in AMERICAN WEDDING ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=American+Wedding : Nikki ["Playboy's Miss September 1997"] Ziering Bares Her Breasts As Officer Krystal At The Pre Bachelor Party For Jim. She Is Very Sexy In The Black Leather Suit She Is Wearing, Until It Comes Off Of Course)... sadly it's not West End legends Mercury vs Donovan in disappointing who-cares? slasher faceoff FREDDY VS JASON ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Freddy+vs+Jason : Katharine ["Ginger Snaps"] Isabelle is reported to go topless in this horror film which will open on August 15, the scene is actually a classical shower scene with breast exposure, followed by a murder scene. Top classic horror!)... or it's Elizabeth "Showgirls" Berkley, Jennifer "Flashdance" Beals, and Isabella Rossellini - together at last! - in limited- release LaBute-esque seduction "masterclass" ROGER DODGER ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Roger+Dodger+%282002%29 : Very nice scene. You get to see [Flora Diaz's] boobs while she is laying on a bed)... BONERS: CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS, AND "INCORRECTLY REGARDED AS GOOFS">> first off, thanks to the audiophiles who pointed out that, if Steve Jobs said the G5 was "twice as quiet" as the G4 http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02003-06-27&l=75#l then "Half the volume = -6dB" (PHILIP ASTON), or "He could have meant that the new shiny box is 'subjectively' half as loud as the old shiny box. This would relate to approximately a 10dB lower sound pressure level, confirmed via a quick squizz at BS4142: 1997: Method for Rating Industrial Noise Affecting Mixed Residential and Industrial Areas" (JON STUMP)... but only DOUGLAS PIERCE-PRICE loudly objected to NTK 2003-08-01's labelling of "'80s technogoths" Curve, arguing that "'90s technogoths" would be more accurate, given the release dates at http://www.stack.nl/~conrad/curve/discography/all.html , while MARKYB was the sole plaintiff over NTK 2003-07-18's transformation of "Kim Jong Il" (ie, kim jong il) into "Kim Jong II", exclaiming "Sweet baby Jesus! I thought you guys were perfectionists?!". With your help, Marky, we're getting there... no such luck, however, for the likes of GRAHAM LALLY, one of several to miss the (perhaps over-subtle point) that http://tvgohome.com/ does indeed link to "not quite the Nathan Barley joke we'd been hoping for", rather than the actual archives at http://www.tvgohome.com/ ... and MARK CHITTY reopened the can of worms we were trying to close over "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette [NTK 2003-07-18], arguing that "Surely a song that contains continuous references to irony which are, in actual fact not ironic at all, is in actual fact extremely ironic?" Yes, except for the fact that we were saying that the situations in the song *are* technically ironic, so it's more ironic that people who accuse it of not being ironic must be unaware of this definition of "irony": http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Picture/7379/byrne.html ("select all" to see Ed Byrne's entire white-text-on-white- background routine)... GORDON JOLY helped further human knowledge by revealing that the cosmic 26 hour days enjoyed by http://www.glastonburyfestivals.co.uk/+soundandvision/+tv/ were an artefact of the "6am to 5:59am" timeframes used by Broadcast Data Services schedules - and, finally, A CHEFFIE was sufficiently inspired by the "sexual position notation" of http://www.maths.tcd.ie/~icecube/cgi-bin/index.php?page=sex to ask us to "scroll down to SEXUAL POSITION COMPONENTS" on the page http://www.geocities.com/openlcc/2se601.html to marvel at their "system of representing sexual positions without visual diagrams or photographs" - though it does appear to require at least one blue and one pink-coloured felt-tip... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "a penchant for vomit-covered carpet" http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/show.shtml/1583/#comments NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2003 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Full license at: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0 Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.