_ _ _____ _ __ <*the* weekly high-tech sarcastic update for the uk>
| \ | |_ _| |/ / _ __ __2003-09-12_ o join! sign up at
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|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\|_| |_|\___/ \_/\_/ o http://www.ntk.net/ "Whatever we think about the toxicity of Ecstasy, 40% of
people using it each weekend do not die..."
- Prof Colin Blakemore sets minds at rest, thanks to BBC
...60% dance badly enough to be considered "life-threatening"
>> HARD NEWS <<
As if the bloody week couldn't get more retrospective. Last
summer's Statutory Instrument for town councils and egg
marketing boards wanting to collect comms data on you is
back, back, partly fixed, and back. And just to ensure you
remember what you were doing when it was, the government
also announced their "voluntary" plans to get ISPs to retain
all traffic data for twelve months. "If this voluntary
arrangement proves unacceptable to the industry, the
Government will look to make such data retention
compulsory", says the press release, in a tone of friendly
reconciliation that's giving us goose-bumps already.
- we'd point to the legislation itself, but the govt's learnt *that* lesson
Still, the EU kicked back the new Euro-DMCA - the intellectual
property rights enforcement directive - until November, the
cowards. Giving them all a little bit longer to enforce the
*old* euro-DMCA, the EUCD. This week, the little men from
FIPR have been bicycling around Europe finding out exactly
what each country has banned in their national
implementations of the EUCD. Roughly speaking: if you want
to crypto research or reverse-engineer, better high-tail
it to Finland or Denmark. Norway and Denmark allow for
non-infringing circumvention (ie, you can run DeCSS for your
own sweet fair use). If you don't like prison food, don't go
to Italy, where they'll put you away for four years for
breaking Adobe eBooks protection. And if you like your
savings, don't, for God's sake, stay here in the UK, where
there'll be unlimited fines for commercial or "large-scale
(crackz) dealing" - also known by its street name "freebase
- done it, done it, want to do it, done it
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
puerile Sky EPG abbreviations - looking a bit too "passionate"
for our liking: http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohjim1.jpg (2nd
source: http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohjim2.jpg )... BBC
contact info describes Dr Kelly as "absolutely gorgeous":
http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohgorge.gif ... swap flags at
half time: http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohflags.gif ... good
to see that, at the posh schools, a man's word is still as
good as his bond: http://oww.westminster.org.uk/directory/ ...
also a moderately amusing Google goof, if you can be bothered:
http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohshite.gif ... Old thrill! -
alarmingly abstract technology news illustration of the week:
The Friday Thing's Paul Carr deems Madonna/ Britney kiss
"disturbing": http://www.ntk.net/2003/09/12/dohcarr2.gif -
especially considering that, according to his previous "web
exclusive", Madonna must be due to give birth any day now:
http://media.guardian.co.uk/print/0,3858,4602121-105337,00.html >> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
NTK, of course, does not condone breaking the law, nor are its
contents intended to replace the advice of a qualified legal
professional. Nonetheless, we feel we should comment on both
the scientific and sociological implications of the FARK
DAVID BLAINE FLASH MOB (8.45 for 9pm, tonight Friday 2003-09-
12, Thames river bank near Tower Bridge, London SE1, free).
Sociologically, we believe that the US-based b3ta-alike may
be the first to have devised a Flash Mob with some sort of
point to it - that point being, in this case, to target Mr
Blaine's flying toilet using safety-conscious laser pointer
technology (or, as irrepressible agit-blogger Tim Ireland has
highlighted, hand-held mirrors on a sunny day could be even
more amusing). And scientifically, this is in many ways the
perfect followup to October 2001's ill-judged attempt to
persuade the physics-ignorant to use hand-held lasers to
"paint the moon" - the difference here being that the moon is
a quarter of a million miles away, and David Blaine is a just
a few metres off the ground: if anyone actually makes the
effort, they should be able to light him up like the Blackpool
- they've suspended one American from a crane in a glass box
- why can't they do it with all of them?
- serves him right for not having a blog, eh Tim?
- NTK stall at Brighton C64 show tomorrow
- making next Friday... International Talk Like A Pirate Day
>> TRACKING <<
sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering
Hey, young man or girl, writes YOZ GRAHAME (our man with
his finger on the barely-registering pulse of geek street
hep), all the cool kids have given up on mashing tunes -
they're getting wild to the crazy beat of usable site
remixes. At least, that's the myth we've been endlessly
trying to propagate with the IE-busting adventures of
Matthew "Freelance Sitedresser" Somerville (see NTKs passim)
so why don't you join the followers of Jakob too? To help
you along with the tiresome business of scraping the useful
take a look at the latest Perl toys from AUTRIJUS TANG. In
the gaps between rewriting Perl in Chinese or polishing off
the biting-the-ActiveState-hand-that-funds-us PAR
executable-builder, he's been turning Andy Wardley's popular
Template Toolkit inside out: TEMPLATE::EXTRACT throws the
sausage machine into reverse, using TT2 templates to extract
data from published pages. So far so fascinating, but it's
accompanied by the "deeply magical" (or "on crack" if you're
London.pm) TEMPLATE::GENERATE, where the cows and the
sausages unite to overthrow their mechanical oppressors:
feed it data and a published document, and it'll work out
the template needed in between.
- saves all that tedious mucking about in XSLT/XPath
- "considered experimental", in an Edward Teller way
- ActiveState PPMs are somewhat outdated, strangely
>> MEMEPOOL <<
contains a source of http://snackspot.org/ LORDS OF MIDNIGHT 3D: http://www.frozenempire.net/lom.html
(for Athlon/ Geforce) vs PocketPC WIRELESS NODES OF YESOD:
bad product names - L'Oreal Wrinkle D-Crease "with Boswelox":
http://www.beautyweekly.com/archive/010803.html (anag: "Ox
Bowels", among other things)... maybe not Amazon's *dullest*
book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/812072299X/ -
but one of their shortest?... Dalai Lama "splittist" claim:
- inadvertently imitates People's Front Of Judea?... milk ad
ideally also backed by Rich Herring, Hugh Dennis' "Milky
Milky" character, award-winning author Alice Sebold: "Yes, the
murder of a 14 year old girl isn't pretty. But neither are
rickets, osteoperosis, or other calcium deficiency diseases.
Girls in particular need to watch their calcium intake - if
your dismembered corpse is found in a field, you want the
investigating officer to think 'Mmm - lovely bones'"...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> Arnie will indeed "be back", as THE TERMINATOR (9pm, Fri,
C5) begins a season of Friday night Schwarzenegger films, a
frankly more entertaining prospect than arthouse David Bowie
"scifi" THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH (12.35am, Fri, BBC2)...
otherwise the week's best films are ingeniously scheduled in
the popular round-midnight slot, with Doug "Swingers" Liman's
Katie Holmes Vegas rampage GO (12.25am, Sat, C4), non-stop
techno pop video RUN LOLA RUN (11.35pm, Sun, C4), plus DJ
documentary SCRATCH (12.15am, Wed, C4)... Hedy Lamarr co-
invented "frequency hopping" radio transmission, and now Diana
Dors turns out to have been an amateur cryptography nut, in
codebreaking docu WHO GOT DIANA DORS' MILLIONS? (9.15pm, Sat,
C4)... Alistair Cook, magician man, does everything a
clairvoyant can in PSYCHIC! (8pm, Sun, C5)... and see if you
can flick seamlessly between Indian drama SECOND GENERATION
(10pm, Sun & Mon, C4) and the new series of THE KUMARS AT NO.
42 (9.30pm, Mon, BBC2)... C5's commitment to pushing back the
boundaries of human knowledge is epitomised by THE CURSE OF
PAGE THREE (9pm, Mon, C5) and new fetish series WHATEVER TURNS
YOU ON (10pm, Wed, C5), the latter presented by the arguably
Aaronovitch... MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2 (9pm, Wed, ITV) is,
astonishingly, almost as pointless as the first one... making
this week's highlight the full series of Lucas and Walliams'
state-of-the-art dressing-up-as-ladies character comedy LITTLE
BRITAIN (9pm, Wed, BBC3)...
FILM>> something of a limited release for the redubbed-by-John
"Pixar" Lasseter Overfiend-free anime kiddie odyssey SPIRITED
AWAY ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/spiritedaway.htm :
adolescent sass to parents; witches, whether using their
talents for good purposes or bad, still serve evil since a
witch's "power" does not come from God)... and similarly not
many places showing Aussie crime caper THE HARD WORD either
( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2003/the_hard_word.html :
[Joel "Attack of the Clones" Edgerton] slowly rubs his head
and mouth against [Rachel "Six Feet Under" Griffiths'] clothed
chest and, after she lifts her shirt, graphically sucks on her
bare breast (that we see))... otherwise it's Monica "Matrix
Reloaded" Bellucci, the director of "Training Day" and, er,
Bruce "Moonlighting" Willis in frankly disappointing Nigerian
rainforest US Marines rescue-mission-gone-wrong TEARS OF THE
SUN ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/tearsofthesun.htm :
flash nudity; excessive cleavage; Priest saying "Go with God"
with [Willis] replying "God already left Africa")... and the
religious unusualness continues with Heath "A Knight's Tale"
Ledger, Shannyn "A Knight's Tale" Sossamon, Mark "A Knight's
Tale" Addy and the director of "A Knight's Tale" - together at
last! - in sub-"Ghostbusters" Catholic exorcist frolic THE SIN
EATER ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2003/the_order.html :
[Sossamon] plays a painter who's recently escaped from a
mental institution and accompanies [Ledger] to Rome where she
has sex with him)...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
[overheard on IRC]
"Always with the stand.org.uk/fax-your-mp... blah blah"
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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