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        "If a teacher doesn't know the answer to a question, it is 
         important to acknowledge this, and to suggest that the pupil 
         or teacher *or both together* research the question later." 
                                                     [our emphasis]
        - BBC News posits alternative to sex lessons that "go too far"
                     http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/2787491.stm


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                              defending "fair use"

         Wednesday, and the BBC Today programme's Stephen Evans files
         a shock exclusive revealing how European politicians pirated
         popular music - by refusing to raise the duration of copyright 
         beyond fifty years. The piece, a barely concealed plug for
         EMI's attempts to get Euro copyright limits upped to the 95
         years of the recent US, was shocking and exclusive only in
         the sense of being shockingly exclusive to one side of the
         story. Evans, most famous for being that BBC correspondent
         in the WTC on September 11th, commiserated with EMI that
         their hard-earned 1950s properties might be finally be
         free for everyone to enjoy via the criminal practices of the
         public domain and European law. "Why should companies invest
         big money now to record the classics of tomorrow if they
         *can't keep the profits they make*?" he pondered. Even
         Laughing Larry Lessig - prompted by the righteous hordes of
         the Brass Eye mailing list - chipped in to marvel at the 
         bias of the show. You'd think that the Todayians would know
         that there might be at least some controversy on the topic -
         especially when their own higher-ups are talking to Lessig 
         about reforming the BBC's own copyrights to be a bit more
         public domain friendly. Less of the nation speaking unto nation: 
         maybe the BBC's left hand could have a word with the right?
http://brass.cream.org/brass2.cgi?mail=02:3217-117&year=103&month=02&day=26
                                               - parody is protected!
http://brass.cream.org/brass2.cgi?mail=02:3240-140&year=103&month=02&day=26
                     - representing my client, one Mr ThePolyphonicMe
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/audio/38879000/rm/_38879607_copyright08_evans.ram 
                     - another open invitation to samplers everywhere

         NTK has always had a soft spot for librarians, their 
         championing of public access to information in the face of 
         restrictive copyrights making them the dead-tree warez d00ds 
         of the pre-digital era. But even we aren't entirely sure about 
         CHRIS MOLE MP's "Legal Deposit Libraries Bill", due for its  
         second Commons reading in around two weeks' time. At the 
         moment, copies of all printed material published in the UK 
         should be handed over to the British Library and 5 other 
         "copyright deposit" libraries around the country. According to 
         this week's NEW MEDIA AGE, Chris wants this extended to cover 
         certain "classes" of electronic publications as well, possibly 
         including CD-ROMs, websites, and that really embarrassing home 
         page you did back in 1996 that you can no longer remember the 
         password to. "Many details are still undecided," New Media Age 
         notes, dryly, "including what should be captured and stored, 
         how it should be done and who would pay". Well, if it means 
         creating a sister site to something like www.archive.org then, 
         hey, we're all for it. Alternatively, as our own correspondent 
         observes, it could just be a useful place "to send all your 
         offsite backup tapes".
         http://www.bl.uk/news/webcase.html
         - inexplicably overlooks Spectrum .SNA files. And SNES ROMs.


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         for all of you who read Winnie The Pooh magazine "for the 
         articles": http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/28/dohpooh.gif ... never 
         mind "President Bill Cliton", time for PUERILE GOOGLE OCR 
         ARTEFACTS: http://www.google.com/search?&q=%22bum+wounds%22 , 
         rally driver "richard bums", popular typo "noteboob", plus: 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22elegant+memo%22 to self - 
         use standard Word template to trumpet triumph over Microsoft: 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=%22elegant+memo%22+tmln ... 
         not too many surprises as to what EBAY auctions are full of: 
         http://search.ebay.co.uk/search/search.dll?query=shit ... CNN 
         hedging bets: http://americanpolitics.com/20030222letter.html 
         ... BBC catering to connoisseurs of specialist boat filth: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/28/dohpron.gif ... RUMSFELD tries 
         on his gimp suit: http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/28/dohrum.gif ... 
         FT predicts - a year from now, we'll all look back at this and 
         see the funny side: http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/28/dohft.gif ... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         An annual reminder to all of us that science can be used for 
         both good *and* evil: the main innovation of next week's 9-day 
         NATIONAL SCIENCE WEEK (from Fri 2003-03-07, various prices and 
         venues) appears to be THE IG NOBEL PRIZE TOUR. Recognising 
         results "that cannot or should not be reproduced", Annals Of 
         Improbable Research editor MARC ABRAHAMS and "some" of the 
         winners will be attempting to replicate the success of their 
         US shows in a variety of locations around the UK - London, 
         Manchester, Leicester, Edinburgh, Bristol and possibly Oxford, 
         tickets UKP5. A similarly empirical enthusiasm infuses I COULD 
         DO BETTER THAN THAT night at sometime KLF hangout The Foundry 
         (from 7pm, Thu 2003-03-06, 84 Great Eastern St, London EC2, 
         free), featuring two "musicians' tag-team open mic" jamming 
         sessions (an analogue synth, 6-string electric guitar, and 
         Rebirth laptop are provided), each 23 minutes long. And, 
         perhaps taking a leaf out of the "free personality test" 
         offered by the Scientologists on Tottenham Court Road, THE 
         GREATER LONDON LINUX USER GROUP will hopefully be handing out 
         leaflets to promote their MARCH INSTALL FEST (from 12noon, 
         tomorrow 2003-03-01, New Cavendish Street campus, Westminster 
         University, free), whose site promises talks, demos, and "some 
         of the latest iso images" - though, disappointingly no update 
         on the stock levels of all the local vending machines.
         http://www.britassoc.org.uk/the-ba/page.asp?selectPage=474
                          - do a "free keyword search" for "Ig Nobel"
         https://www.the-ba.net/secure/ignobeltour.asp
                              - vs http://www.thes.co.uk/competition/
         http://gllug.linux.co.uk/installfest-20030301.html
              - "Are YOU only using 10% of your PC's full potential?"
         http://www.foundry.tv/
                                            - unsurprisingly baffling


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         bored of http://www.idlewords.com/biological.html spoofs? try: 
http://www.bengarvey.com/pn_714/html/?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=92
         ... Feds "have no idea" where commissioner heard of detention 
         camps: http://www.kxly.com/common/getStory.asp?id=26857 - 
         forced to assume he doesn't have access to either Google: 
         http://www.google.com/search?q=fema+camps , or STEVE MANN: 
         http://www.ottawaxpress.ca/magazine/?id=752&parution=1001 (re: 
         second half of interview)... how other countries see the UK: 
     http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_21-2-2003_pg9_7
         ... slow news week in Wales again - 17-year-old CHARLOTTE 
         CHURCH would make "ideal candidate" for learning to drive, 
         owning car: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/2785765.stm ... wishing 
         you - and your scattered component parts - a speedy recovery: 
         http://chandra.harvard.edu/cards/getwell.html - vs "The Fiery 
         Phoenix!": http://www.pearl-jam.com/botp/botpfire.jpg ... 
http://www.dfat.gov.au/zw-cgi/view/TravelBulletins/Iraq_-_Human_Shields 
         vs http://www.23rdian.org/TA/people.html ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> Derren Brown falls foul of the "Geller paradox" - if his 
         powers are so amazing, why can they only manifest themselves 
         in the form of popular conjuring tricks? - in a new series of 
         MIND CONTROL (10.35pm, Fri, C4)... Der Fuhrer's influence on 
         both classic comedy and modern management are explored by 
         CHAPLIN AND HITLER (9pm, Fri, BBC2) plus SECRETS OF LEADERSHIP 
         (9pm, next Fri, BBC2)... and there's another chance to see the 
         real-life "Look Around You" food education slot EVER WONDERED 
         ABOUT - PIES? (11.30am, Sat, BBC2)... not sure what sort of 
         "research" Pete Townshend required to exec-produce acclaimed 
         kids' robot toon THE IRON GIANT (5.40pm, Sat, C5)... Saturday 
         night sees BBC2 schedule NEWTON: THE DARK HERETIC (8.05pm, 
         Sat) and the Lenny Bruce episode of MARK LAMARR'S STAND UP 
         AMERICA (10.30pm, Sat) against BBC4's KING OF CAPITALISM: 
         THOMAS WATSON SR AND THE BUILDING OF IBM (7.55pm, Sat) plus 
         Spanish civil war horror THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE (9pm, Sat)... 
         while C4 continues its commitment to distinctive, innovative 
         programming with a nerd becoming a cheerleader in FAKING IT 
         USA (10.40pm, Sat, C4)... Capalert memorably warned that 3-
         hour Stephen King prison kidney-infection weepie THE GREEN 
         MILE (10pm, Sun, C4) contains "urination as entertainment" 
         http://www.capalert.com/capreports/greenmile.htm ... C5 
         follows last week's C4 "Jackass: The Making Of The Movie" with 
         THE MAKING OF JACKASS: THE MOVIE (11.30pm, Sun, C5)... and, in 
         the wake of plebdazzle gameshow BOYS AND GIRLS (9.05pm, Sat, 
         C4), C4 continues a week of behavioural dimorphism with Lord 
         Of The Flies-on-the-wall documentaries BOYS ALONE UPDATE 
         (11.05pm, Mon, C4) plus GIRLS ALONE (9pm, Tue, C4)... noted 
         intellectuals Noel Gallagher and The Sugababes are among the 
         celebs "duped" by OBLIVIOUS POPSTARS (9.30pm, Tue, ITV)... 
         Charles Bronson is the original mean melon-farmer in MR 
         MAJESTYK (12.05am, Tue, BBC2)... a white-haired black guy 
         escapes from long-term incarceration to create havoc in both 
         MANDELA - THE LIVING LEGEND (9pm, Wed, BBC1) and DEMOLITION 
         MAN (9pm, Wed, C5)... and, after their mildly uncritical look 
         at the role of the Bell Huey in Vietnam, expect a more upbeat 
         interpretation of the Mogadishu extraction in the "Black Hawk" 
         episode of History Channel/Hearst Corporation co-production 
         BATTLE STATIONS (8pm, Thu, C4)... 
         
         FILM>> as remakes go, it's better than "Sphere", but not as 
         good as the original one or "Event Horizon", so don't go 
         expecting too many explosions in '70s-style arthouse sci-fi 
         SOLARIS ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Solaris : the 
         very lovely [Natascha] McElhone is seen from a distance slow 
         dancing in a darkened room with husband George Clooney. Both 
         their bare butts are seen but McElhone's is really only 
         glimpsed) - not based on the Sun operating system of the same 
         name... the "tortured artist" theme continues with startlingly 
         brutal post-Tom-Green plot-free stuntfest JACKASS: THE MOVIE 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/jackass_the_movie.html : 
         We partially see one of the guy's genitals through the 
         material of his oversized underwear. We then see him and 
         another guy humping a real (and large) whale shark under the 
         water)... anguished aspiring screenwriters - like there's any 
         other kind - appear to be the target demographic for tediously 
         self-referential "Being John Malkovich" retread ADAPTATION 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/adaptation.html : We see 
         [Maggie Gyllenhaal] in Charlie's house wearing just a t-shirt) 
         ... and Salma "From Dusk Till Dawn, The Faculty" Hayek casts 
         off a career of spectacular B-movies in artist portrait Oscar-
         bait FRIDA ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/frida.html : 
         bisexuality; communism; a sensual and steamy lesbian 
         encounter; the film could inspire some kids, particularly 
         girls, to take up painting)... 
         
         AD MUSIC FOR SIX PEOPLE>> First, an apology. Despite NTK 2002-
         10-18's claims, the "Futurama"-resembling soundtrack to the 
         lawnmower Coke ad was *not* "EVA" by Jean Jacques Perry 
         (Fatboy Slim mix or otherwise) - MATTHEW PETTY was one of many 
         to note (under the subject line "musique concret pedantry 
         ahoy") that the tune in question was "actually Cook's remix of 
         'Psyche Rock' by Pierre Henry - another Gallic pioneer", and 
         that EVA "was used on that Lucozade ad a few years back". In 
         our defence, even engineer SIMON THORNTON, who mixed the track 
         in the first place, initially confused the two, muttering: 
         "That's not how we described it the first time we saw Futurama 
         - do they not have Lucozade in the States?" Anyway, the howls 
         of outrage prompted us to "retire" this entire section for 
         several months until sufficient safeguards were in place to 
         prevent such heinous misattributions from ever happening 
         again... DAN PEARCE was, however, undeterred, and alleges that 
         "the Neutrogena ad where some woman is in a boat for no 
         discernible reason is a soundy-likey of top 90's dinner party 
         fave Portishead's 'Glory Box'". And we agree, especially 
         relishing the bit right at the end when the vocal suddenly 
         gets going and then has to be immediately faded out again. 
         Dan also confirmed our suspicions about the Beechams Cold 
         Remedy one with lots of people "falling up", which used to 
         have Elton John singing "I'm Still Standing", but now has a 
         totally different tune which covers "similar lyrical ground", 
         and sounds like Elton John is singing it "after completing 
         about 2 days worth of 'Die Another Day'-style gene therapy in 
         order to turn him into Phil Collins"... MARTIN LEWIS argued 
         that the current "I Love Juice" Reef advert has "blatantly 
         stolen" the Neptunes production off "that Britney song" (Slave 
         4U, we imagine), "but made it slightly shitter". But the 
         originator of this entire feature, acclaimed docu-steampunk 
         author TOM STANDAGE, trumped them all with his freakishly 
         detailed sightings of a VH1 Sharwoods ad which featured 
         "underwater tremolo guitars and a female voice, followed by  
         a breakbeat with - dead giveaway this - a sawtooth-waveform 
         analog synth bass". In other words, "It was very clearly a 
         rip-off of the beginning of 'Fun for Me' by Moloko". The 
         the defence rests, your honour... 
         

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                          "Now *that's* an X-excuse" 
                     http://www.ambiguous.org/quinn/birth/        

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