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        "[Sendo] was rushing ahead with a substandard and unreliable 
         product, Microsoft argued..."
               - BBC NEWS ONLINE reports on the mobile phone OS wars
                     http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/2727811.stm
            ...and Microsoft is perfectly capable of releasing those
                                                      *all by itself*


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               demographic skews

         "THE NEW STATESMAN NEW MEDIA AWARDS 2003," their official 
         website explains, "in association with SchlumbergerSema, is 
         focusing on how new media technology is used to make a 
         difference in public life". For a little clarification of what 
         they have in mind here, you might recall the name of the 
         sponsor, SchlumbergerSema, from our "So, who is in favour of
         ID cards?" musings last month, when they were enthusiastically
         backing a one-day conference on the subject of "what the 
         next steps should be towards the possible implementation of an 
         Entitlement Card". Schlumberger also "sponsored" this week's 
         remarkable finding that "Four out of five UK citizens are in 
         favour of the introduction of entitlement cards, including the 
         use of biometrics", according to a survey which they paid for.
         SchlumbergerSema make the Icitizen(TM) smart ID card (to be 
         issued to 11 million Belgian citizens over the next 5 years), 
         while their sister company, Schlumberger Oilfield Services, 
         supply "Technology services and solutions for the petroleum 
         industry". It's not quite "The UK Vegetarian Awards, brought 
         to you in association with McDonalds". But it's pretty close.
         http://www.newstatesman.co.uk/nma/nma2003home.htm
         - themes of "innovation, efficiency and accessability" [sic]
         http://news.zdnet.co.uk/story/0,,t269-s2129590,00.html
                       - 50% of sci-fi fans favour "iris recognition"
www.cssa.co.uk/press/bulletins/weekly_bulletin/bully_10_12_02.asp#events
                      - scroll down to "Entitlement Cards Conference"
http://yro.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=52622&threshold=-1&cid=5214053
           - /.ers post the usual unsubstantiated conspiracy theories

          It was last November when MPs become dimly aware that spam
          might be a problem. Dr. Brian Iddon, the Member for Bolton
          South East told Robin Cook that "many hon. Members have been
          receiving unsolicited and highly offensive pornography via
          the parliamentary network. The worst comes via a method
          called HTML". Our hopes for an emergency order banning all
          HTML mail in the British Isles came to nothing, though, and
          Parliament instead set upon installing a filter.
          http://www.adaptwestminster.co.uk/html/HoCDepts/pornfilter.htm
                                      - weapons of mass communication

          Cue lesson #2 for the parliamentarians - filters don't 
          work. When the Great Wall of Westminster came up this week,
          voters complaining about the Sexual Offences act received a
          mail saying their messages had been filtered away. A
          constituent whose surname was Butt got mail to her elected
          representative bounced because of her name. The Lib Dems'
          paper on censorship got quietly dropped into the
          bitbucket. For the benefit of anyone who hasn't already had
          this issue of NTK intercepted by their own office firewall:
          fuck didn't get through to Parliament, but f-uck did. Fu-ck
          wouldn't, f-uck would. "Wankbadger" failed to reach MPs.
          "Wank-badger" succeeded. By Friday, the filter was tweaked,
          but still bouncing legitimate mail. We expect it'll take
          Parliament until around 2005 to start the next step:
          installing Bayesian-style personal filters on individual
          PCs. And around 2008 before MPs realise they can use it to 
          filter away opinions they'd rather not hear.
          http://sethf.com/anticensorware/general/uk.php
                                          - previously banned: Hamlet
          http://www.faxyourmp.com/
                             - meanwhile, leave it to someone else to
          http://www.whitelabel.org/archives/000187.html#000187
           - actually *encourage* thousands of voters to contact them


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                             berating the obvious

         YAHOO unmasks "disturbing" Jacko, prone to "blowing millions", 
         "shopping sprees": http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/07/dohmj.gif ... 
         snooker-loopy cue-chalking pose could herald "maximum break" 
         (with reality): http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/07/dohcue.gif ... 
         and we thought you were supposed to show negative numbers in 
         brackets?: http://www.inlandrevenue.gov.uk/taxisnottaxing/ ... 
         TECHNOLOGY FOR LEARNING going nowhere: http://www.tfl.org.uk/ 
         - perhaps for the best: http://www.tfl.org.uk/main.html ... 
         "we provide all the necessary [web] resources internally", lies 
         http://sydney.attik.com/beyond.php?currentpage=4 ... learn 
         French, forget English: http://www.aaaparis.net/english/object.htm 
         ... http://www.google.com/search?q=wireless+%22local+loo%22 - 
         plus "selective breading", "strong currants", "marked with an 
         asterix"... tricky to manoeuvre when you've got infinite mass: 
         http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/07/doh18c.jpg ... sci-fi sites 
         offer sympathy: http://www.ntk.net/2003/02/07/dohbaen.gif ... 
         "the ideal place to study the physics of fire", enthuses: 
       http://www1.msfc.nasa.gov/NEWSROOM/news/releases/2003/03-004.html
 

                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Hang on for a rollercoaster of ruthlessly objective empiricism 
         next week, as UK crypto-guru ROSS ANDERSON controversially 
         argues that open and closed approaches [to security] are 
         basically equivalent, and that the best approach depends on 
         other (related?) factors, like "the rate at which bug fixes 
         are produced and applied". LONIX responsibly discloses that 
         the talk starts around 6.40pm (with tea from 6) on Tue 2003-
         02-11, at City University, London EC1, entrance free but you 
         must pre-register even if already a Lonix member. Sadly, the 
         official site for DARWIN DAY (Wed 2003-02-12, various venues 
         worldwide) specifically denies that the occasion is "a non-
         religious or anti-religious celebration" (or even that it 
         "worships" Charles Darwin), but anything that gets those 
         creationists rattled is good enough for us. And heads will be 
         bobbing up and down *and* from side to side when PATRICK 
         HUGHES' WHOPPERSPECTIVE exhibition of false-perspective 3D 
         paintings is unveiled at the Flowers East Gallery(82 Kingsland 
         Road, London E2, from Fri 2003-02-14, opening hours 10am-6pm 
         Tue-Sat, 11am-5pm Sun, admission free) - they're the "magic 
         eye" pics that don't make you think you've gone blind. 
         http://www.lonix.org.uk/tnet-cgi/Lonix?CODE=userMeetings
         - "please print [these baffling directions] to take with you"
         http://www.darwinday.org/event_info/2003_england.html
                             - no, not the dolphin from "seaQuest DSV"
         http://www.flowerseast.co.uk/text/exhib.htm#exfeb
                      - handily, impossible to show in a static photo


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         The MONO project is like many Ximian (and some would say,
         GNOMish) endeavours - exercised with full disclosure in
         public, but working at such an IRC-driven pace that it's a
         little difficult for outsiders to penetrate exactly what's
         going on at any moment. There's just too much going on for a
         non-Miguel-shaped head to comprehend. What MONO is going to
         be is broadly comprehensible: a free software C# compiler,
         runtime and class library for the .NET framework running on
         Linux/86 and after zat, ZE VURLD. But is it ready for casual
         use yet? And, if it is, where do you start? As Mono hits
         0.19 and unofficial Debian package status, it looks good
         enough for really overly casual, sweatpants and sleeveless 
         t-shirt C# coding (as long as you're coding from scratch
         and not porting from Windows). The real clincher, though, is
         there's now a GTK#-driven documentation browser. So now you
         don't have to wander the unfriendly streets of MSDN to learn
         the class libraries. Whether you want to look at C# in the
         first place is another question. It's a nice language - but
         then so was Anders Hejlsberg's last work, Delphi, and that
         never shook off enough proprietary taint to take off
         open-source-side. Still, it's nice to check out the 
         competition - and scope where open languages like Perl6 are
         stealing their ideas from nowadays.
         http://www.go-mono.org/
                      - debugger and Visual Basic compiler too, oh my
         http://www.debianplanet.org/mono/
                                                 - still experimental
         http://monoevo.sourceforge.net/mono/annualreport.txt
                                                   - 365 days of hack


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

         humour in (Gateway) uniform: http://sct.staghosting.com/ ...
         everyone can be famous for 15 ZDNet articles, thanks to the WARHOL
         PRESS RELEASE: http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/22.53.html#subj7 ...
         GEFORCE humour, ctd: www.beyond3d.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4063 ...
  http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2304946029&category=302
         NAKED EBAY GUY, you little tease! ...public warning rollover images:
         http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/l.philips/WebThr/contacts.htm ... old
         joke, still good: http://truemeaningoflife.com/wisdom.php?topid=40832
         ... BEEF fights back its competitor in pre-teen market, ANOREXIA:
         www.cool-2b-real.com/ ... every nation has its DAVID ICKE:
         http://www.ufoseek.org/daemon.htm ... if you switch distros,
         http://www.debian.org/News/1997/shuttle1 the disloyalty gremlin
         will get you: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/2709875.stm ...
         be suspicious of all postcards from www.photoshopcruise.com ...
    irony: http://sf.net/mailarchive/forum.php?thread_id=1593325&forum_id=4258
         ... war dossier plagiarism shock; critics suggest "M Khan" may be 
         "bent": http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,890916,00.html  
         (vs http://www.angelfire.com/ok/marywhitehouse/mkahn.html )... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> who'd have thought that, out of John McTiernan's two 
         Norman Jewison remakes, THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (9pm, Sat, 
         BBC1) would be more watchable than "Rollerball"?... there's 
         another chance to see the almost incomprehensible "Comedy Lab" 
         toon KNIFE AND WIFE (1.35am, Sat, C4) written by this guy: 
         http://www.bubblegun.com/features/tellyganza.html ... while 
         tedious zombie-chase STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT (5.15pm, Sun, 
         BBC2) inspires a couple to construct a home resembling a Borg 
         Cube in GRAND DESIGNS (9pm, Wed, C4)... clearly, the real 
         treats have been saved for Sunday, in the form of DARIA THE 
         MOVIE: IS IT FALL YET? (1.10pm, Sun, C5), Mancunian Messiah 
         two-parter THE SECOND COMING (9pm, Sun & Mon, ITV), THE ALL-
         NEW HARRY HILL SHOW (10.35pm, Sun, ITV) and predictably less-
         original sequel AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME (9pm, 
         Sun, C4)... in a simultaneous transmission with BBC2, Lucas 
         and Walliams' radio adaptation LITTLE BRITAIN (8.10pm, Sun, 
         BBC2 & 3) is by far the highlight of a BBC3 launch lineup 
         otherwise consisting of the sort of low-budget trendy nonsense 
         E4 used to show, including undifferentiated desk show JOHNNY 
         VAUGHN TONIGHT (7.10pm, Sun, BBC2 & 3) - and, pointlessly, two 
         editions of TOTP-style covers show RE:COVERED (7.50pm & 
         8.35pm, Sun, BBC2 & 3)... the channels synchronise again late 
         at night for the likes of Fast Show-spinoff SWISS TONI 
         (12.30am, Wed, BBC1) and the impressively unamusing THIS IS 
         DOM JOLY (1am, Wed, BBC1)... but you need digital to witness 
         the full TVGoHome-style horror of Vinnie Jones fly-on-the-wall 
         docu VINNIE (9pm, Mon, BBC3), Elastica's Justine Frischmann 
         co-hosting groovy-architecture show DREAMSPACES (9.30pm, Mon, 
         BBC3), and Leonardo DiCaprio holiday video THE BEACH (9pm, 
         Wed, BBC3)... back on analogue, C5 holds the fort with Renny 
         Harlin/ Saffron Burrows sub-aqua career highlight DEEP BLUE 
         SEA (9pm, Mon, C5) - plus the ever-popular DIRTY HARRY (9pm, 
         Wed, C5)... HOLIDAYS IN THE AXIS OF EVIL (11.20pm, Mon & Tue, 
         BBC2) is reversioned for BBC2... EMAILS YOU WISH YOU HADN'T 
         SENT (9.50pm, Wed, BBC2) kicks off with Claire Swire - though 
         shouldn't it be "*They* wish *they* hadn't sent", surely?... 
         and BATTLE STATIONS (8pm, Thu, C4) argues the Thunderbirds-
         lookalike Lockheed Skunkworks Blackbird SR-71 was the "world's 
         first stealth aircraft" - except that its huge exhaust plume 
         made it one of the "largest radar targets ever detected" by 
         the FAA: http://www.fas.org/irp/program/collect/sr-71.htm ...
         
         FILM>> if you enjoyed the spectacular Heath-Robinson-style 
         deaths of unknown teenagers in "Final Destination 1", then 
         you'll love the brutal more-of-the-same in FINAL DESTINATION 2 
         ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/finaldestination2.htm : 
         portrayal that Satan controls death; long sequence of bloody 
         traffic fatalities; a lot of kids [...] now know what their 
         mother's chest looks like - without any clothes)... else it's 
         romances of varying levels of quirkiness, with Sandra Bullock/ 
         Hugh Grant lame screwball sexual-harassment effort TWO WEEKS 
         NOTICE ( http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0313737/board/thread/492713 : 
         Granted, Airwolf may not have been the most popular show of 
         the 1980s but I think it is unfair to betray the loyal fan 
         base in the way that the team behind this film have)... or 
         nerdy Adam Sandler and Emily Watson juggling phone-sex debts 
         and air miles promotions in arthouse rom-com PUNCH DRUNK LOVE 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/punch_drunk_love.html : 
         [Sandler's] sisters talk among themselves that they used to 
         call him "gay boy" all of the time)... not based around the 
         Williams arcade game of the same name, Ray Liotta and Jason 
         Patric remake "Training Day" in gritty cop acting-fest NARC 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2002/narc.html : A suspect 
         says something about, "I might let him suck on my d*ck once or 
         twice," but that appears to be more of a derogatory comment 
         rather than purely sexual)... plus a taste of "mild peril" for 
         the kids in TV cartoon spinoff THE WILD THORNBERRYS MOVIE 
    ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/wildthornberrysmovie-the.htm :
         flatulence; wedgie humor; teen rudeness, repeatedly; crude 
         monkey display; in keeping the with thrust of Darwinism, all 
         the animals are as articulate and intelligent as humans)... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                         "it's never been about sex"
                      (p109, Marie Claire, March 2003)        

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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