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        "Every talk, keynote, informal session, water-cooler 
         conversation, party and failed sexual encounter was 
         extensively covered, in real time, by bloggers who would 
         rather write 'I am sitting here' than sit there..."
                    - Bill Thompson bemoans ETCON coverage complexity
               http://www.spiked-online.com/articles/00000006DDA4.htm
             ...or endlessly dissected later on by people who weren't


                               >> HARD NEWS <<
                               crying to Hughes

        "Well, I think I've found your problem", replied fistfuls of
         concerned readers after getting bounced last week from the
         published email of Beverley Hughes, Minister of Counting ID
         Consultation Entries. Fortunately, during the consultation,
         STAND didn't relay the thousands of comments we received
         directly to her. No, we sent them to the swanky "we're so
         wired" official consultation email address. Word has it
         that they did get them okay, but that the entire
         STAND-relayed wodge is now assumed to be one ginormous
         Internet "petition", rather than a bunch of individual
         statements. We'd still like that confirmed in writing,
         though. Or an email would do. Apparently, the best way to
         pry an explanation from a Minister is to get an MP to ask
         questions in the house. Given that Ms Hughes isn't easily
         contactable, maybe you'd like to contact yours? Duplicate
         questions won't be a problem: if they squint, we're sure the
         government can can just collapse them into one giant MP.
         With just one big voter standing behind them, glowering.
         http://makeashorterlink.com/?M46652084
                                                   - here we go again
         http://www.faxyourmp.com/
                                        - feel free to send us a copy

         You call things names, you end up being called names: that's
         just the way these things go. First there was the hyper-active 
         farce of Firebird (the Mozilla browser) versus Firebird (the 
         database). For those of you not bothering to keep up, Firebird 
         the database was a fork of software that was called Interbase 
         which was owned by Borland a company which used to be called 
         Inprise and before that used to be called Borland, deep 
         breath. You'd think the Firebird developers would by now be 
         accustomed to the transitory nature of names, but nooo. They 
         were *shocked* when Mozilla started using the term Firebird, 
         and insisted they were the *only* Firebird on the block, even 
         though a) there were dozens of software Firebirds before them 
         (including BT's short-lived games division) and b) the only 
         thing anyone can remember about Firebird the DB was that it 
         had massive security hole wired into it by Borland^WInprise^W 
         Borland that took them six months to find. Dire threats were 
         hurled, until Mozilla pointed out that the Firebird name was 
         just the semi-internal *project* name, and since no-one calls 
         the current browser "Seamonkey" (*its* project name), they 
         should calm the motherfirebird down.
         http://firebird.sourceforge.net/
           - nobody cares about you or your weirdo legacy software...
         http://www.mozilla.org/
                                                             - err...

         Readers with long memories may recall Carl Sagan getting
         into a similar tizzy about an internal Apple project that
         shared his name - until he threatened to sue. Apple's coders
         renamed the project's title to "Butthead Astronomer", which
         strangely failed to mollify him. Perhaps that explains some
         of the background of the next naming war: Apple asking the
         FreeBSD hackers to change the #definition of one of their
         error codes. Apparently, EDOOFUS has "raised eyebrows" at
         the corporation, and they've refused to accept the merge
         into Darwin ("a little more in-your-face than ...
         'die_you_gravy_sucking_pigdog()'", apparently). Among the
         suggested replacements in the subsequent bikeshed discussion
         was EBUTTHEAD, and a note that in an old Apple II
         incarnation, STUPID stood for "Student Programmer ID". They
         settled on EDONTPANIC. At least, until the Estate of Douglas
         Adams puts up a fight.
 http://docs.freebsd.org/cgi/getmsg.cgi?fetch=86207+0+current/freebsd-hackers
                   - CORPORATE CENSORSHIP! Put EDOOFUS on bittorrent!
         http://docs.freebsd.org/mail/current/freebsd-hackers.html
                                            - and other Apple titbits


                                >> ANTI-NEWS <<
                              berating the obvious 

         certainly gives impression it's still at quite an early stage: 
         http://www.mod.uk/dpa/projects/digitization_stage_1.htm ... 
         typical - they've limited the $3m money-back offer to "1 per 
         customer": http://www.ntk.net/2003/05/16/dohfry.jpg ... JACK 
         SCHOFIELD corrects himself, 80 gig drive should cost up to 
         80,000 pounds: http://www.ntk.net/2003/05/16/dohjack.gif ... 
         guess it might help IBM superserver process its 11,000 daily 
         transactions: http://www.ntk.net/2003/05/16/dohibm.gif ... man 
         imitates Mark Leyner's "Et Tu, Babe", seeks "very special lady 
         who's potbellied, flat chested, left handed, and a smoker": 
         http://www.wifeodyssey.com/type.html - what do you want to bet 
         that this guy gets a couple of hundred responses?... this 
         week's unfortunate company acronym: http://www.cum.co.za/ ... 
         and if you don't want to know this week's GOOGLE GOOFS, please 
         look away now - http://www.google.com/search?q=competant , 
         "chocolate moose", "tate modem", "causal clothes"... 


                               >> EVENT QUEUE <<
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Of course, with an event like "digital moving image festival" 
         ONEDOTZERO (from today Fri 2003-05-16 to Sun 2003-05-25, the 
         ICA, London, from UKP5.50/session), we're lucky that there's 
         even a non-Flash version of the site at all. But it would have 
         killed them to put dates and times on the actual listings and 
         to have used a more readable font size? Anyway, as well as 
         the event's now-traditional Japanimation and FMV sequences 
         (include Dead Or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball), you may be 
         able to find sessions on the work of NTK faves Tim "The Pod" 
         Hope and Michel Gondry, who we'd describe as the inventor of 
         "bullet time" if that wasn't to completely understate the 
         extraordinary synthesis of analogue and digital effects in all 
         his other work. Further computer-generated utopian fantasies 
         will also be on show at the ASSOCIATION FOR FREE SOFTWARE 
         ANNUAL CONFERENCE (from 10am, tomorrow Sat 2003-05-17, Aston 
         University, Birmingham, free to members or UKP10 to join on 
         the day), with talks from controversial free-software ISP CEO 
         JASON CLIFFORD, Campaign for Digital Rights stalwart MARTIN 
         KEEGAN, and two sessions on open source audio applications 
         chaired by AFFS treasurer MJ "VOODOO" RAY. 
         http://www.affs.org.uk/affsac.html
                  - like anyone ever paid for their copy of "Acid Pro"
         http://www.onedotzero.org/new/onedotzero7/
              - nothing says "cutting-edge" like horizontal scrolling
     http://www.museumoftechno.org/collections/franklin/extract_01.html
         - "likened [it] to being submerged in a child's kaleidoscope"


                                >> TRACKING <<
               sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering

         Can you still be anonymous online? Why yes you can, Mr JAMES
         BOND, of 999 Letsby Avenue, Afghanistan 90210. Like all
         crypto-wankery, doing so mostly involves ploughing through
         18 or so HOWTOs written in one overexcited night by a tripping 
         and cypherpunk in 1995, then extrapolating from there. But 
         it's getting easier. That stalwart of anonymous remailing,
         MIXMASTER, has been stealthily getting more user-friendly
         over the last couple of years. Nowadays there's a
         text-menuing system for sending out anonymous mails (and
         Usenet postings) that's almost intuitive. There are emacs
         and mutt interfaces. And provisionally you can also create
         nyms that can receive and send anonymous mail too (although
         that seems to segfault in the Debian version and we're far 
         too anonymous to find out why).  Of course, to continue the
         crypto-wankery theme, alt.privacy.anon-server is now a
         market-mandated mess of mutual recrimination, spams and
         hoaxery, but it all seems to work, mostly. So you can stop
         sending us mutually-incriminating mail from work accounts
         now can't you... Mr Bond?
 http://groups.google.com/groups?group=alt.privacy.anon-server
             - So we meet again, Frog; I might have known it was you.
 http://mixmaster.sourceforge.net/
                - God knows what state Private Idaho is in these days


                                >> MEMEPOOL <<
                ceci n'est pas une http://www.gagpipe.com/

     http://lists.insecure.org/lists/nmap-hackers/2003/Apr-Jun/0010.html ,
         http://www.insecure.org/ - perfect excuse if you're caught for 
         http://film.guardian.co.uk/cannes/story/0,13266,957079,00.html 
         ... what you missed at this Wednesday's SCRAMBLING FOR SAFETY: 
         http://plum.flirble.org/~owen/SfS6.txt ... Dave Gorman takes 
         on board criticism that "any idiot with a search engine could 
         do that": http://www.davegorman.com/dggwa.html ... not quite 
         the critical deconstruction of post-modern sexuality you might 
         have hoped for: http://www.noapologiespress.com/pbs/ ... a 
         trap?: http://www.af.mil/stories/123004851.shtml ... religious 
         action figure n+1 - Catholic School Girls, in "crisp new 
         school uniform": http://blessings-catalog.com/schoolgirl3.html ... 
     http://www.newsmaxstore.com/nms/showdetl.cfm?&DID=6&Product_ID=1294
         vs http://www.chickenhawkcards.com/ ... looks like a spoof of 
         http://www.commercialbreaksandbeats.co.uk/ , but a bit more 
         interesting: http://www.busstation.net/screen/screenad.htm ... 


                                >> GEEK MEDIA <<
                                  get out less

         TV>> CAMBRIDGE SPIES (9pm, Fri, BBC2) harks back to a time 
         when Cambridge graduates would be recruited by the KGB rather 
         than Demon Internet... ALI G IN DA USAIII (10.40pm, Fri, C4) 
         appears to be screening the Naomi Wolf interview deemed "too 
         hot for HBO" http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_758839.html 
         ... and Channel4 joins the human reproductive cloning race in 
         THE FIRST HUMAN CLONE: CONCEPTION (8.05pm, Sat, C4)... "Harry 
         Potter and The Lord Of The Rings" sweeps the board in THE BIG 
         READ TOP 100 (9.05pm, Sat, BBC2), up against the isolated 
         island entertainments of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (9.05pm, Sat, 
         C4) and KEVIN AND PERRY GO LARGE (9.05pm, Sat, BBC1)... Drew 
         Barrymore goes back to school in NEVER BEEN KISSED (10.05pm, 
         Sat, ITV)... and ALIENS (10pm, Sun, C4) now resembles "Halo: 
         The Movie", and is followed by Mark Kermode's ALIEN EVOLUTION 
         (12.50am, Sun, C4) then, later in the week, ALIEN 3 (10.40pm, 
         Thu, C4)... on the subject of suspiciously well-documented 
         Marines rescue missions, Private Jessica Lynch is the topic of 
         WAR SPIN (7.15pm, Sun, BBC2)... Nick "Spaced" Frost looks at 
         MOVIE MISTAKES UNCOVERED UNCUT (8.30pm, Sun, C5)... Woody 
         Allen finally admits he's actually playing "Himself" in 1930s 
         jazz odyssey SWEET AND LOWDOWN (11.25pm, Sun, BBC2)... and 
         didn't Alexandra Aitken shower with a rugby team in the last 
         series of 99 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE (11.05pm, Mon, C5)? 
         (And if not, why not?)... CRASH OF AN INTERNET PORN KING: 
         OPERATION LANDSLIDE (9pm, Tue, BBC2) seems unlikely to explore 
         the conspiracy theory that "Operation Ore" was named after the 
         FBI's "Carnivore" program... expect plenty of ads for cleaning 
         products in borderline-obsessive-compulsive makeover HOW CLEAN 
         IS YOUR HOUSE? (8.30pm, Wed, C4)... Wednesday is Matrix night, 
         with a direct-from-the-premiere LIVE WITH CHRISTIAN O'CONNELLL 
         (7.30pm, Wed, C5); the original THE MATRIX (9pm, Wed, C5) - 
         last shown last October; plot-free CGI showcase ANIMATRIX: 
         FINAL FLIGHT OF THE OSIRIS (11.35pm, Wed, C5); THE MAKING OF 
         THE MATRIX RELOADED (11.50pm, Wed, C5); plus the moderately 
         influential Keanu clunker JOHNNY MNEMONIC (11.15pm, Wed, BBC1) 
         ... while Thursday's theme appears to be "Fame, and its 
         aftermath", with a triple bill of THE CURSE OF BIG BROTHER 
         (9pm, Thu, C5), CELEBRITY DETOX CAMP (10pm, Thu, C5) as well 
         as X-RATED AMBITION: THE TRACI LORDS STORY (11pm, Thu, C5) - 
         the tragic tale of an adult movie star ultimately forced to 
         appear in a Manic Street Preachers video... 
         
         FILM>> "Wonderful... Jane Austen in bondage gear" was the 
         verdict of NTK reader MIKE TAYLOR on controversial limited-
         release psychosexual James Spader S&M office romance SECRETARY 
         ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Secretary : lots of 
         spanking and [Maggie "Donnie Darko" Gyllenhaal's] bare butt 
         and thigh during the mid point of the movie) - so please write 
         in with your one-sentence reviews if you go and see any of the 
         previews of THE MATRIX RELOADED this Wednesday or Thursday... 
         straight in at number 22 in the IMDB's Worst 100 Movies Of All 
         Time is puerile Bruckheimer urban-legend-remake KANGAROO JACK 
         ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2003/kangaroo_jack.html : 
         the camera briefly focuses on [Estella "Planet of the Apes" 
         Warren's] shapely body in wet, clingy clothes)... Denzel 
         Washington sticks somewhat closer to reality for "inspired by 
         a true story" grown-up-victim-of-child-abuse fable ANTWONE 
         FISHER ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/antwonefisher.htm :
         accusation of homosexual practices; offscreen intercourse; 
         mockery of faith-related excitement)... Tim Roth *is* Oliver 
         Cromwell in period thrill TO KILL A KING ( www.bbfc.co.uk : 
         contains infrequent moderate violence)... and rounding off the 
         rogue's gallery of this week's releases, the "Ops" in question 
         turn out not to be heart-lung transplants or female-to-male 
         transsexuals during anti-Serbian snowboard nonsense EXTREME 
         OPS ( http://www.cndb.com/movie.html?title=Extreme+Ops : the 
         girls dare [Joe "Servants" Absolom] to roll around in the snow 
         and climb up a rope fully naked)... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                       Registered at the Post Office as
                "the real Dave Green would use Gifs for this"
                       http://antics.org.uk/tea/tead.htm

                                 NEED TO KNOW
            THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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