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Q. "Why is every futuristic movie, such as Bladerunner, so dark? Is
    there a light bulb shortage in the future?"
           - RICHARD HART, misunderstanding the nature of "film noir" 
              http://www.wired.com/news/news/culture/story/21830.html

A. ...because the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long!


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                               repeated boo-boos 

         At last, a use for JONATHAN UNGOED-THOMAS! This week saw
         another of his incisive, in-depth investigations of the
         stinking filthpot that is the Net: a revealing probe into
         the millions of pounds lost by banks to cybergangs of
         cyberterrorist cybercriminals. Of course, it's not exactly
         news (the Sunday Times has been running with this urban
         legend since 1996), so why relaunch the story now? Might the
         clue be in the repeated theme that the criminals are "using
         encryption", and GCHQ's kindly offering to "help companies
         safeguard themselves"? Far be it from us to suggest that
         Jonathan has proved himself sufficiently gullible to be
         taken in by the regular spook troll for favourable
         cybercrime stories. After all, who wouldn't want to miss
         Cheltenham's generous suggestion, relayed by the piece, that
         they "inspect sensitive computer systems of key companies"?
         And we're sure this has nothing to do with GCHQ's ongoing 
         search for outside income, in the form of those hefty
         consultancy fees.
 http://www.the-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/99/09/19/stinwenws01021.html?999 
- next week: CYBERTERRORISTS SEIZE COOKIE RECIPE, HOLD NEIMANN-MARCUS TO RANSOM
 http://www.sunday-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/96/06/02/stinwenws01016.html?999 
                            - my god! they've been at it for *years*!
       
         As predicted, SCRAMBLING FOR SAFETY worked its semi-annual
         magic of tempting government policy-makers out of their
         ivory towers - straight into the giant rotating-knife
         machines of the uk crypto community. Poor Patricia Hewitt
         announced the death of key escrow with the tone of someone
         expecting a standing ovation, only to find everyone else had
         moved on to her government's latest fuck-up: reversing the
         polarity of the burden-of-proof flow in the latest
         proposals. The ukcrypto posse pointed out that if they sent
         her an encrypted batch of child pr0n, and then shopped her,
         under the current proposals she could could go to jail for
         refusing to reveal the plaintext - even though she didn't
         have it. Hewitt, who has a background in Liberty (the civil
         rights org, not the shop), made "What? Where does it say
         that? Oh, right. Well, it's not *meant* to say that" noises
         - expect an amendment exempting government ministers from
         self-incrimination in the next draft. How many versions of
         this bill are we up to now?
         http://www.fipr.org/ecomm99/
                               - play "spot the idiocy" with a pal 

         Over 240,000 intercontinental ballistic cancel messages were
         launched at the uk.* news hierachy over the week, all
         originating from an connect.com.au account. Is the Aussie
         government taking a more pro-active stance with their
         censorship initiative? Grundy Productions fighting back at
         uk.media.tv.misc? Or, a little more likely, is it the work
         of one of uk.*'s increasing number of troll and spamworts,
         now bouncing their nukes through an open antipodean news
         server? Nobody knows, but this is USENET, so everybody has
         an opinion. Newbies thrashed about in uk.local.*, demanding
         that "whoever's in charge" fix the problem. The "whoever's
         in charge" spent their time trying to killfile all the
         newbies, and arguing about whether anything could be done.
         Death of the UK Usenet, antinews at 11.
         http://x34.deja.com/=dnc/getdoc.xp?AN=527692764
                                      - "no worries" - connect.com.au


                                >> ANTI-NEWS << 
                             berating the obvious

         THE SUN mysteriously relaunch currantbun.com as bun.com;
         equally mysteriously, new install CD's don't work... where
         "it" is site logging data: http://www.gettingit.com/logs/
         ... http://wwwyahoo.co.uk points to... note absence of
         "phones": http://st5.yahoo.com/iridiumgifts/index.html ...
         not just Linuxen who hassle Alan Cox to fix their software:
         ftp://ftp.linux.org.uk/pub/linux/alan/giassholes.jpg ...
         travel - IN TIME!: http://www.ntk.net/doh/990924time.jpg ...
         when TAGS attack: http://www.ntk.net/doh/990924plain.gif ...
         plus, entirely understandable NT error of the week: "Memory
         Allocations May Fail When There Are Large Free Blocks":
     http://support.microsoft.com/support/kb/articles/Q216/3/83.ASP .

                               >> EVENT QUEUE << 
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         Call it liturgical programming: Donald Knuth's latest
         displacement activity to take his mind off Volume 4 is a
         lecture series on religion, randomness and the art of
         programming in MIT, Boston, starting on 1999-10-06 (advanced
         warning so you can book your plane tickets). Presumably not
         offering his usual $2.56 reward for any lapses in faith,
         Donald will be discussing his 3:16 project, wherein he
         analysed the 16th paragraph of the third chapter in every
         book of the bible. And before you say anything, Isaac Newton
         did weird stuff too, and you still use his algorithms, don't you?
         http://web.mit.edu/bpadams/www/gac/lecture_seriesiii.html
     - and on the fourth day, God got, like really *into* font kerning
         http://www-cs-faculty.stanford.edu/~knuth/ 
             - Donald and God: the last two people not to have e-mail
http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriangle/Node/4081/
                                    - eradicating Godless free software 


                                >> TRACKING <<
                  making good use of the things that we find 

         Just to show that we don't harbour any ill will to our
         Australasian readers (hey, if geographical proximity to
         idiocy was a problem, we'd all be in trouble), here's
         CGI-PROXY, a tiny CGI Perl script that lets any server act
         as an anonymising relayer of Web pages. It should defeat any
         filtering program that forbids by URL. It has a subset of
         the standard proxy spin-offs, too: pages can be served
         without images, cookies can be filtered, and adverts
         ignored. Having an open proxy is begging to have your
         bandwidth sucked away, but make friends with a geek in
         another country with cgi access, and you'll have password
         protected surfing until they prise your history logs for
         your cold blue fingers. Works for most corporate filters too! 
         http://www.jmarshall.com/tools/cgiproxy/
                        - can we have our newsgroups back now, please


                                >> MEMEPOOL << 
                              hasta la altavista

         "*how* much do I no longer need the weirding module!":
         http://www.angelfire.com/ma/duneguy/ ... that "Tales Of The
         Unexpected/ Four Rooms" wager more popular than we thought:
         http://www.who2.com/missingdigits.html ... RADIO TIMES does
         panic re-design to avoid confusion with TV GO HOME... Belgian
         THE ONION: http://www.atmosphere.be/media/theheadlines/ ...
         "Reach Out and Touch Somebody with a Diana Ross e-mail card"
         http://home.talkcity.com/LibrettoLn/dianaross99/cards.html
         - no, not that hard... DRIVER game has a lot to answer for:
     http://www.gamespot.co.uk/pc.gamespot/driving/m25_uk/preview.html
         ... just liked the name: http://prosthetic-monkey.com/ ...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA << 
                                 get out less

         TV>> it's not all "fab" down at the CD-ROM fab plant for
         Michael Douglas and Demi Moore in mismarketed Mikey Crichton
         sexual harrassment VR thriller DISCLOSURE (9pm, Fri, ITV)...
         proving it's - perhaps - not too late for a Generation X
         slacker sitcom after all, SPACED (9.30pm, Fri, C4) features
         Simon "Faith In The Future" Pegg, that annoying girl off
         that camera advert, plus what are worryingly trumpeted as
         "cultural references" - as opposed to other TV shows, which
         all exist in their own hermetic universe... and the weekend
         movie schedule reaches "MA" in Maltin's index, with Brit WW2
         afterlifer A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH (12.40pm, Sat, BBC2);
         mid-range Woody Allen romp MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY (9.30pm,
         Sat, BBC2); and of course, original Hannibal Lecter chiller
         Michael Mann's MANHUNTER (10pm, Sat, C4) - the only one of
         the three to feature prominent product placement for "Glaser
         safety slugs"... aiding their mission to become *the*
         channel for robot crime-fighters, C5 airs the pilot of the
         ROBOCOP spin-off show (5.55pm, Sun, C5) plus regular mascot
         Knight Rider... "So, why aren't you as funny any more?"
         unlikely to be the opening question levelled at Steve Martin
         in thinly disguised "Bowfinger" advert OMNIBUS (10.40pm,
         Mon, BBC1)... while some shrewd racism satire and a florid
         Jeff Goldblum pad out patchy Samuel L Jackson boxing comedy
         THE GREAT WHITE HYPE (9pm, Mon, C5)...

         FILM>> "Rushmore" meets "Drop Dead Gorgeous" - but in a 
         good way - in sharp-scripted foul-mouthed Matthew 
         Broderick/ Reese Witherspoon high-school politico-satire 
         ELECTION (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : mockery of 
         Jesus' love; disgusting prayer to God; repeated lesbianism; 
         adultery; covered sexual intercourse with vulgar talk 
         typically associated with X-rated videos, even by a 
         teen)... just edges out Harold "Ghostbusters/ Groundhog 
         Day" Ramis' take on now well-trodden sensitive-mobster 
         comedies ANALYZE THIS (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ 
         : attention to male crotch; skimpy swimwear; multiple 
         murders by gunfire and push out of a window; sexual 
         intercourse - covered by a bedsheet with body forms 
         ghosting through the sheet with body folds pinching the 
         sheet with characteristic motions, positioning, and sounds 
         - by an unmarried couple). Interestingly, the A4 press ad 
         implies that the full title is actually "Analyze This - And 
         Lisa Kudrow"... losing their deposit this week: Jan de 
         "Twister" Bont's lazy Neeson/ Zeta-Jones CGI remake THE 
         HAUNTING (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : explosive 
         startles; unholy manifestations; excessive cleavage and 
         breast exposure; admission of bisexuality; child mischief 
         by disregard for private property; ominous invisible 
         threat)... and Michelle "Where are they now?" Pfeiffer 
         heading up what's most charitably described as a cast with 
         "international appeal" - Kevin Kline? Anna Friel? - in 
         lushly made Shakespeare anachronism-fest A MIDSUMMER 
         NIGHT'S DREAM (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/ : petty 
         theft; planning to defy father's wish; nude female breasts; 
         fondling of female breasts; portrayal of beings having 
         power of the weather; counterfeiting of God's plan for the 
         family hierarchy; public urination)... 

         HARD LIT>> such a disappointing crop this month, we can 
         hardly bring ourselves to link to Amazon: Greg Egan's usual 
         eigenvectors - next step in human evolution, quest to 
         exotic island etc - collapse into a decidedly non-optimal 
         configuration in TERANESIA (trade paperback RRP 9.99, 
         Amazon 7.99) - sure, more accessible than some of his 
         "previous", but that's not what you're reading Egan for, is 
         it? You're better off with his recently re-released 
         QUARANTINE (RRP 5.99, Amazon 4.79)... similarly, Stephen 
         Baxter is on something of a recycling tip, combining DIY 
         NASA, autistic Midwich Cuckoos, 2001 gateway artefacts 
         *and* the neturino time travel from Greg Benford's 
         "Timescape" in new hardback TIME (RRP 17.99, Amazon 14.39) 
         - not particularly based on the West End musical of the 
         same name... NTK reader recommendations haven't been 
         particularly glowing either: ANDREW ORLOWSKI enjoyed the 
         comments on THE GIZA POWER PLANT: TECHNOLOGIES OF ANCIENT 
         EGYPT http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879181509/ 
         - "solid, scientific literature" - though apparently "a 
         couple of weak points revolving around Cayce, magnetic 
         elevation, stellar radiation, and laser transmission could 
         have been shored up a bit more"... SIMON WHITAKER found the 
         ideal way to teach kids and/or foreigners serial killer 
         terminology in the special Penguin easy-reader edition of 
         SEVEN http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0582402530/ 
         ... while, following The Science Of The X Files, The 
         Metaphysics Of Star Trek etc comes a UK edition of SEINFELD 
         AND PHILOSOPHY: A BOOK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND NOTHING 
         http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812694090/ ... 
         and finally, those who remember Po "Teletubbies" Bronson's 
         hilariously defensive online comments on his previous novel 
         "The First $20m Is Always The Hardest" will be pleased to 
         learn that his new collection THE NUDIST ON THE LATE SHIFT 
         (RRP 10.00, Amazon 8.00) begins with an equally convincing 
         account of how it's OK for him to interview all these big
         CEOs, because he is immune to the lure of big money. So, no
         need to feel guilty about downloading most of the chapters 
         from the Wired and Forbes sites then... 


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
     It is registered at the Post Office as "visiting our strange relations"
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