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                  "During the transition, there had been some 
                  talk of Pournelle becoming head of NASA..." 
     - NORMAN SPINRAD on sci-fi's most expensive, least successful prank
     ...Larry Niven: Surgeon General, Robert Heinlein: PRESIDENT OF EARTH
           [ http://www.monde-diplomatique.fr/en/1999/07/?c=14star ]


                                >> HARD NEWS <<
                              raspberries, fools 

         At the last possible moment, the Government published its
         draft E-COMMERCE BILL. And, while all that key escrow stuff
         has evaporated, guess what took its place? Blank pages? A
         sensible policy aimed at *encouraging* electronic commerce?
         How about: a bunch of vague hand-waving secondary
         legislation hooks, that mean that key escrow could be
         introduced any time without further parliamentary
         supervision? Plus (and pardon us if we see the Long Arm Of
         The Straw all over this) incredibly draconian potential
         punishments for key-holders. Business incentives like: two
         years in jail if you fail to reveal a key to data in your
         possession, WITH THE OBLIGATION ON YOU TO PROVE THAT YOU
         DON'T HAVE IT. Or: five years imprisonment if you reveal to
         someone that their key has been compromised by law
         enforcement - with no limit on how long you have to keep
         mum. Equivalent to, say, us revealing that Jack Straw's
         communications were monitored in the Seventies - and then
         being sent to jail until 2004! Building confidence in secure
         transaction? My god, anyone with any sense wouldn't go
         *near* a secure transaction! Oh, yes, but that's the real
         point, isn't it. Sorry. Sorry, Mr Spook. I'll get off line now.
         http://www.dti.gov.uk/cii/elec/ecbill.html
                      - we're running out of "encrypted in PDF" jokes
         http://www.ntk.net/ecbill/
            -  e-mail it pdf2html@adobe.com please? Pretty please?
         
         Spurn the Freeserve? Mmm. We have our principles, but we're
         not idiots. Well, we are (and we don't) but we're positive
         we're not the biggest idiots, and that's what's important
         with these Internet stocks. Si, the Freeserve model is dumb.
         Uhuh, the only bit of it that works is the free ISP model
         and the associated smarties who developed that all live at
         Energis/PlanetOnline, and not the Freeserve everyone is
         buying into. The Freeserve you're buying into is a few
         blokes in a room drinking beer, watching PA press stories
         upload themselves, and copying out other people's help
         pages. And after all, if there was real solid tech there,
         why would Freeserve be running around London trying to hire
         a CTO? But all that doesn't matter, because if share-dealing
         had anything to do with future yields, we'd all have BT
         shares and stockbrokers would be wise, Yoda-like figures who
         don't touch cocaine for fear of the long-term risks. Hats off
         to those dutiful NTK readers who *did* bother reading the
         prospectus, though: one noted that Freeserve users seem to
         average about 48 page hits a month. Hmmm - going to have to
         pipe a lot of e-commerce through those 1.6 daily pages...
         And thanks to Ben Lamb, who spotted the subliminal "SEX"
         logo on the baby's Internet Explorer on the back cover. Now
         *that's* the beginning of a realistic business model...
         http://www.freeserve.net/
                        - if you see Sid, tell him: SELL! SELL! SELL!
         http://www.freeserve.net/support/test/glossary.htm
                                  - we're sure they must have paid...
         http://www.matisse.net/files/glossary.html
                                               - ...them in shares...

         While NSI and ICANN continue their informal shivving
         sessions in darkened alleys around Washington, isn't it a
         relief to know that our own Nominet, keeper of .uk, is above
         such things? They're acting very decently at the moment,
         with rumours the the price of registration will drop in the
         next few weeks. But, what's that? Nominet are thinking of
         IPOing themselves? Great! I guess that means that everyone
         in the UK gets a share, right? Because it's our domain,
         right? Right? Hello?
         http://nic.uk/
                                                        - "nic", hey?
         http://www.usatoday.com/life/cyber/tech/ctf633.htm
   - "using smoke and mirrors", NSI? suggest you look in one yourself

		 [CORRECTION: While the above would have been a terrific
		 analysis of the opportunities and threats by posed the 1999
		 Nominet AGM, the AGM had already taken place when we wrote
		 it. The carpet-baggers were vanquished, and the price
		 drop confirmed. See http://www.nic.uk/news/AGM.1999.html .
		 Also see the look on our face when we found out. Doh!]


                                >> ANTI-NEWS << 
                             berating the obvious

         "Top DJs can command up to UKP8000 for a two-hour set, and
         some play several sets in one night at different locations,
         says one club source" - THE TIMES' shocking insights into
         that high-rolling Tim Westwood lifestyle... JFK Jnr
         "shoo-in" for DARWIN AWARD... DAWKINS freaked by spread of
         "meme" meme... bankers prepare for that tricky Y10K bug:
         http://www.ntk.net/doh/990723y10k.gif ... FRENCH CONNECTION
         suing to obtain www.fcuk.com - owner claims was innocently
         providing service for people who mistype "fuck" ...
         surprising swearing results when you search YAHOO for "UPS
         howto txt"... MICROSOFT WINDOWS MEDIA would like to recall
         the message, "Welcome to the Microsoft Windows Media
         Technologies Weekly International Newsletter!"... as
         "supreme arbiters of taste", you'd think they'd work out how
         to use <PRE>: http://www.yesmate.com/misc/ntk.htm ... "Do
         not proceed in this site if you are not located in the
         United States" tempts http://www.nipper.com/ ... DARTH
         MAUL's eyes identical to INKTOMI logo... ORACLE's billion
         dollar doh!: http://osiris.978.org/~brianr/oracle-gpl.gif
         ... our traditional APPLE dismissal: iBook? girly Kia-Ora
         handbag with bugger-all RAM, more like... and the grim
         inevitability of: http://www.firstusa.com/woodstock/ ...


                               >> EVENT QUEUE << 
                         goto's considered non-harmful

         One thing we've always liked about the Amiga community is
         its solidarity, that spirit of unity and sense of purpose
         where Commodore had *always* been at war with Atari, and
         "Intel - Outside!" was a rallying call that, more often than
         not, would end with a Windows user receiving a well-earned
         beating in the car park. How ironic it would be if they
         turned those fearsomely honed self-defence skills on *each
         other*, at WORLD OF AMIGA 99 (1999-07-24/25, Kensington Town
         Hall Conference Centre, London) - the first gathering since
         spurned QNX's announcement that they'll be building their
         own PowerPC Amigas to foster bitter ST-style infighting with
         those pursuing the current Linux path. There are also
         unconfirmed rumours that Nicholas Negroponte's bits 'n'
         atoms will be appearing at the ICA on the evening of Tue
         1999-07-27, for those who really want to get off on that
         early 90s nostalgia.
         http://www.phase5.de/amiga/qnxp5e.html
              - we once wrote some Intel consultancy on an A1200. Ha.
         http://www.worldofamiga.com/xindex.html
                         - (optimistically?) refers to "ticket queue"

         Tony Hoare's work influenced a generation of programming
         languages and thousands of CS studients. He invented great
         chunks of modern parallel programming, tried to save Algol,
         managed to kill Ada, helped with Z, did that Occam stuff,
         and seemed, in retrospect, to be much less up his own bottom
         than some academics we could mention. And we bet he could
         have that Tom Christiansen in a fight, easy. He is retiring
         this year, and a Valhalla of deities are dropping into
         Oxford for a few illicit global declarations. We're talking
         Dijkstra, Knuth, Wirth, and Meyer people! And we're talking
         three hundred quid if booked before 31st of July, (bit less
         if you plead poverty). Or some of you Perl Mongers could
         upload "Time::Bomb" onto the platform and exterminate the
         opposition forever. Fun extends from 1999-09-13 - 1999-09-15.
         http://www.deja.com/=dnc/getdoc.xp?AN=501336905
                          - presumably they'll all happen in parallel
         http://cs.ru.ac.za/homes/cspt/hoare.htm
                                           - he suffered for your art


                                >> TRACKING <<
                  making good use of the things that we find 

         As we all know, history repeats itself: first as tragedy,
         then as farce. Then history is copied by Microsoft, who use
         it to create Microsoft Farcical Tragedies for Windows. Viz:
         it was barely weeks ago that we chuckled at that mock
         configurable Blue Screen Of Death press release. Now we
         discover it really is possible: hidden registry settings
         (available since Windows 3.1) allow you to select a Cyan
         Screen Of Death, a Bright Yellow on Gray Screen of Death:
         any colour you want, as long as it's broke. Even better,
         Nathan Lineback managed to gather his disbelieving wits long
         enough to create BSOD PROPERTIES - a Visual Basic program
         that provides an attractive UI for those endless BSOD
         choices. Never let it be said that MS isn't about choice.
         http://pla-netx.com/linebackn/news/bsod.html
- does that mean the BSOD is one of the stablest bits of Windows code?


                                >> MEMEPOOL << 
                              hasta la altavista

         first JFK, now the http://www.jonestownreenactment.org/ ...
         BO2K: the fun begins: http://www.ntk.net/bo2k/ 
         ... good news for drivers, bad news for SIMON DAVIES:
         http://www.audicoupe.demon.co.uk/speedtrap_notatrap.html
         ... LEONARD MALTIN fesses up at last (strong language)
         http://www.voicenet.com/~xavier/scripts/maltin.html ...
         SCOTT "The Onion" DIKKERS: do chicks really go for this
         "sad clown" schtick?... training wheels for SNOWCRASH
         fanboys: http://zapbikes.com/powerski/ ... HAL JORDAN is
         the new SPECTRE... is that PALMPILOT GAYDAR in your pocket,
         or http://drunkenmonkeys.com/palm.html ?... "The only
         reason I play ULTIMA ONLINE is for all the 'Britishing':
         paying real world dollars to people for cyber-sex, then
         player killing them as I climax. That's the only reason
         anyone plays UO - all the violent sex. Jesus, man, where
         have you been?" ... scariest explanation so far for
         huge MICROSOFT apps - there's something *else* in there:
         http://www.zikzak.net/~acb/writing/ms-illuminati.html ...


                               >> GEEK MEDIA << 
                  the less rude http://www.ntk.net/tvgohome/

         TV>> former host Nick Hancock pops up in Paul Merton's new
         ROOM 101 (10pm, Fri, BBC2) - though, ironically, it's as
         Paul's first guest, not as one of the most loathsome things
         that humanity can imagine... "starring Ron Perlman" isn't a
         phrase you hear every day, but remains perhaps the most
         coherent description of Jeunet & Caro's Gilliam-esque Alien:
         Resurrection tryout THE CITY OF LOST CHILDREN (12.15am, Fri,
         BBC2)... it doesn't seem to be the scheduled rave episode of
         INSPECTOR MORSE (8.10pm, Sat, ITV) after all, but some stupid
         holiday opera one... and Mark "Mac Daddy" Morrison reveals a
         previously unexpressed concern for the health of "hos" and
         "bitches" everywhere by contributing to breast cancer concert
         WICKED WOMEN (10.50pm, Sat, BBC1) - maybe he misunderstood the
         title... on consecutive days, C4 examines both DYSLEXIC GENIUS
         (8.30pm, Sun, C4) - Peter Molyneux, Richard Branson, etc - and
         DYSLEXIC CRIMINALS (8.30pm, Mon, C4) - yet, annoyingly, no
         DYSLEXIC CRIMINAL GENIUSES... rubbing in the fact that there's
         only about 8 or 9 more episodes left *ever*, BBC2 seem to be
         showing an out-of-sequence double-bill of THE LARRY SANDERS
         SHOW (11.10pm, Sun, BBC2)... Carol Vorderman's apparently
         bottomless appeal is hopefully among the items TESTED TO
         DESTRUCTION (9pm, Mon, ITV)... Jake "young Anakin" Lloyd and
         Mimi "X Files" Rogers go all cyber-thriller in VIRTUAL
         OBSESSION (9pm, Mon, C5)... while "orgone energy" madman and
         Kate Bush-inspirer Wilhelm Reich lends a whiff of
         pseudoscience to the first edition of docu-porn THE SEXUAL
         CENTURY (9.30pm, Mon, ITV)...

         FILM>> another week of post-Star Wars oddities, with faux-
         Peckinpah testosterone-fest arthouse Western THE HI-LO COUNTRY
         (imdb: friendship / brothers / love-triangle / cattle / post-
         wwii / friends / poker / snow) marking another entry on the
         erratic CVs of director Stephen Frears (The Grifters, My
         Beautiful Laundrette, The Comic Strip Presents), Woody
         "Cheers" Harrelson, and Patricia Arquette (True Romance, Ed
         Wood)... and you're thinking: blimey, the accents in these
         Ken Loach films are getting hard to understand nowadays,
         but that's because hard-hitting Brassed Off Poets Society
         limited-release docu-like IT ALL STARTS TODAY (imdb: also
         known as "Ca Commence Aujourd'hui") is directed by Bertrand
         "L.627" Tavernier and they're actually all speaking French...

         FEEBDACK>> hot on the heels of last week's dead-tree round-up,
         "Why nothing on the Playboy/ Lara Croft/ Nell McAndrew
         pharce?" inquires MATT HALL, on behalf of old-school porn-
         purchasers everywhere. "Nearly the first Playboy issue ever
         pulled from UK newsstands," he elaborates, "and they have to
         sticker *all* the copies to cover up the 'Tombraider' logo on
         the cover". News 'n' sycophancy site CROFT TIMES has the full
         story http://www.cubeit.com/ctimes/news/199907/news0438.html -
         Eidos claimed Lara's "squeaky clean image" could be "tarnished
         for all time" (that's "squeaky clean" as in "violates ancient
         burial sites, shoots people and animals"); maybe the
         clamp-down's to create demand for their own inevitable "adult"
         version... "Stop slating Amiga so much at NTK!" pleads MICHAEL
         COPPINS, apropos, it seems, of nothing in particular. "It
         seems that NTK spends its time slating every platform - is any
         platform any good?" Not that we've noticed, Mike. Next!...
         "Ta for the story" quips Britain's hardest games journo and
         destroyer-of-worlds STUART CAMPBELL, still high from defeating
         the mighty EMAP [NTK 1999-07-09]. "You'll probably be too
         scared not to plug my ace archive of Digi[tiser] columns,"
         Campbell continues. "See me be exactly right about the
         videogames business, 42 times in a row." Yup, as soon as you
         get the hang of Usenet naming conventions, Stu, you'll be
         unstoppable http://ds.dial.pipex.com/thumbs_aloft/digi/ ...
         "Re: your mention of 'The Great Egg Race'[NTK 1999-07-09]",
         begins NIGEL LUCAS, promisingly. "We [a discerning subversive
         minority at ICL] want to see a return to harmless boffin-
         orientated fun where it's not the winning, but the strange
         hairdos that count. What *did* happen to Heinz Wolff?" Well,
         using a bit of our own Egg Race-style ingenuity, Nigel, we
         used a "search engine" to discover that he made a toothpaste
         ad http://www.westwood.u-net.com/ads/m_art_w.htm , wrote for
         lame pop-sci mag Frontiers, and was last seen at a conference
         for Vacuum Technology And Semiconductor Processing Equipment
         And Materials http://www.vacandsemi.co.uk/showinfo.htm . The
         Great Egg Race is often shown at anti-social hours on UK
         Horizons; a full retrospective appears at the madly
         comprehensive TV Cream http://tv.cream.org/arkg3.htm - we
         advise you click around there for a few weeks and, please,
         *never* email us about children's television again...


                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
         happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
                    It is registered at the Post Office as 
                "Fur alle Freaks ... Sarkasmus ist garantiert!"
                  http://zhol.ch/pubs/redaktion/sub/computer/

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